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Husband leaves a sink full of dirty dishes. But one simple action changes its meaning.

Small gestures can speak volumes.

@susandoingsusanthings/TikTok

Though this image might infuriate you, know there's more to the story.

We’ve probably all (especially moms and wives) have had it up to here with stories of men not being able to really pull their weight in partnerships.

So when I present to you a story about a husband leaving behind a sink full of dirty dishes for his wife to find, you’d probably sooner roll your eyes and contemplate hopping over to Instagram instead than give this one a read.

But hold on just a second, because this story has a surprising hopeful twist.

In a now-viral TikTok post, a wife named Susan shows the mess she woke up to the morning after her husband had friends over to watch a game.

She was initially fuming as she approached the disarray. That is, until she saw the note her husband left behind, saying “I got it!”

For Susan, this changed everything. Her husband acknowledged his mess, communicated that awareness with his wife, and didn’t leave it assuming someone else would take care of it. Which, in turn, made her feel seen and looked out for.

“I just love that he acknowledges that [he] left a mess in the sink, and don't worry, he'll take responsibility for it, but anyways, we've come so far,” Susan says in the clip.

@susandoingsusanthings Leaving a simple note instantly made me not care about the dishes in the sink!! I love communication and we have come so far!! #susandoingsusanthings #marriedlife #marriage #marriagehumor #marriagegoals #marriagecomedy #marriagelife ♬ original sound - SusanDoingSusanThings

Many viewers agreed that this small shift made a world of difference.

“I love this. Like he was tired and didn’t want to do it but knows you shouldn’t have to. What ace communication and all it took was a post-it” one person wrote.

Another echoed, “It’s that easy!!! Like do I want to do the dishes after hosting? Heck no. Let me sleep and I’ll do it in the morning. But the note changes it ALL 🥰.”

On the other hand, many people were still left frustrated, arguing that expectations were still far too low if this simple gesture is receiving such applause.

One person even lamented, “That big sigh and you’ve come so far, I wonder how many fights it took 😫,” to which Susan replied, “We’ve been together for 20 years… Fight = growth.”

She also reiterated that the purpose of the post was to show in real-time how healthy, thoughtful communication between partners can help transform even the most menial task into a positive, even relationship-fortifying, experience.

And that is probably the biggest, most beneficial takeaway to lean into here. Ongoing communication difficulties is listed as the number one cause of divorce, even beating out infidelity. Yes, of course, moms are tired of being the default parents and wives are tired of pulling double duty, but if this story is any indicator, they are also yearning for their partners to meet them halfway on the communication front as well.

And as we can see, even the smallest gestures make big impacts.

In case anyone was wondering: Susan's husband did do the dishes the next day ❤️


This article originally appeared on 1.6.24

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Wife exposes the big double standard that exists between dad and mom hobbies

Is she the first person to realize this was happening?

via SheIsAPaigeTurner/TikTok, Rulo Davila/Pexels, Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

Paige points out the difference between male and female hobbies.

Paige, a work-from-home mom of 4, recently exposed a double standard between husbands and wives that exists in many heterosexual family structures. According to Paige, men can enjoy hobbies that take them out of the home for long periods of time whereas women are forced to choose hobbies that work around their family’s schedule.

The video has received over 730,000 views on TikTok and earned over 1700 comments.

“Male hobbies typically take them outside of the home during the daytime during caretaking hours. Female hobbies often revolve around the schedules of their partner and their children and account for the domestic labor that they are handling and any kind of mental load that they carry,” she begins.

The mom notes that men’s hobbies include hunting, golf and training for marathons that take them away from the home and family for long hours. However, women’s hobbies, such as gardening, book clubs, painting, or yoga, can all be done while working around the family’s schedule at home or nearby.

@sheisapaigeturner

Traditional male hobbies tend to take them away from the home and caretaking. This is made possible by the unpaid labor of women. women’s hobbies typically are scheduled around the needs of the family and take place outside of traditional caretaking hours. When women marry men, they lose time to unpaid labor, but when men marry women, they gain time. This plays into their ability to participate in hobbies. #domesticlabor #thementalload #unpaidlabor #millennialmoms #thementalloadofmotherhood #golfhusband

“We are able to and required to typically work our hobbies around the schedules of our families, whereas men's hobbies take them away from that,” Paige said. Men can take time away during caretaking hours because traditionally, women have been the default parents who are ultimately responsible for the brunt of the family’s domestic labor.

“So, men are able to leave the home for those extended periods of time during caretaking hours because they have a support at home. Most females do not feel like they have the same support when they would like to take on a hobby,” Paige said.

Paige proves the double standard by a hypothetical role reversal, such as joining a women’s golf league. “They may be met with a response that that is unfair, that takes them outside of the home, that is putting too much responsibility on the other partner, and that is not kind of equal division of labor, right?” she said.

This double standard has made Paige question whether moms enjoy the hobbies typically associated with married women. “Like often people joke like, oh, women love flowers and gardening. They don't all love that. One of the reasons they might get into it though is because they can do it from their home with their children. So it's something they can do together,” she said.

The post resonated with many women who want more balance in their relationships. "You could add to this video about mom's having guilt when it comes to their hobbies vs men who never think twice about taking part in their hobby," Michaela said.

"As a Dad, this is so aggravating. I cannot believe how many men do this to their partners," Steve Mollick added.

One mom chimed in with a clever way that her family deals with the gender hobby imbalance.

"My husband and I rotate weekend days off (I get Saturday, he gets Sunday usually) to be out of the house for 3 hours for whatever we want, and that has been the most amazing thing to happen to our relationship as a family. We both get time to decompress however we want every week," Lauren Reagan wrote.

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Schools found to be a big reason why moms are stuck in the 'default parent' role

But they can also be part of the solution.

via Alex Green/Pexels

A distressed mom picking up a phone call

Are you the parent your child goes to first after being emotionally or physically hurt? Do they bug you first when their iPad needs charging? Do you accompany your child to most of their doctor’s appointments? When the school has a problem, are you the first person they call?

If you’ve answered “yes” to most of these questions, you are most likely your family's default parent, which can be a real problem.

Amber Thornton, Psy.D, writes in Psychology Today that default parents (who are most often female) are likely to experience four common psychological problems associated with their position in the household, including chronic fatigue and burnout, feelings of resentment toward their partners and children, diminished ability to care for oneself and a significant decline in mental health.

Dr. Thornton argues that women are often put into this position due to a “systemic” problem where they are expected to provide primary care for parenting and home-related tasks.

A recent study by Kristy Buzard, Laura K. Gee and Olga Stoddard revealed that schools play a significant role in promoting women as default parents in heterosexual couples. Their study of over 30,000 schools across the U.S. involved fictitious parents leaving a message with a principal asking to discuss school placement and requesting their call to be returned.

The study posed three scenarios that proved the bias toward casting women as default parents.

In the first scenario, the person leaving the message asked the principal to call either the mother or the father. In this scenario, 59% of principals called the mother. In the second scenario, the message said the dad had “a lot of availability,” and he was called 74% of the time versus the mom, who was called 26%.

In the third scenario, the caller said the mother had “a lot of availability,” in that case, she got 90% of the calls, whereas the dad was called just 10% of the time. “If you indicate that mom is more available, they almost always call mom; that’s less true when you indicate dad is available,” author and economist Emily Oster writes in her “ParentData” Substack newsletter.

Even though the schools currently appear to be promoting an antiquated view of gender roles, they can also be a big part of paving the way toward equality. Oster believes we can quickly overcome this institutional bias by implementing a very simple solution in America's schools: letting parents inform tell schools who they should call first.

“It would be great if schools and child care centers would ask parents who should be called first. Every year, at the start of the year, we all fill out a million forms for our school or childcare settings. One of those forms should ask who the school should call as a first step,” Oster writes on her Substack.

“This change doesn’t really need to be motivated by a need for household equality, either,” she adds. “It’s just efficient! Calling the parent who will never pick up is not helpful.”

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