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Andy Grammar shares how he 'goes on offense' with grief over his mom's death

"Grief doesn't have to be something that just hits you when you're not ready for it."

Andy Grammer shares one beautiful way he processes his grief over his mom's death in his daily life.

When you lose a loved one, the grief can sometimes feel impossible to bear. Time may help to soften the initial blow, but grieving is an up-and-down process without a specific trajectory or timeline. Some small thing can happen to trigger a memory—a song, a sound, a smell—and a wave of grief can hit without warning.

But is there a way to proactively manage grief rather than just react to it? According to singer and songwriter Andy Grammer, there can be, and it's really quite lovely.

If you don't know, Grammer is the multi-platinum recording artist behind a slew of uplifting hits such as "Keep Your Head Up," "Good to Be Alive (Hallelujah)," and "Lease on Life." He's known for his positive, optimistic songwriting, which might lead some to assume he's not experienced a painful loss. On the contrary, Grammer's mother, Kathy, passed away from breast cancer when he was 25, and her death rocked his world.

He's written about her in many of his songs, but he also takes an approach to grief that he refers to as "going on offense."


In an interview on Podcrushed, Grammer explained what he means by that.

"If I see someone that's the same age as my mother in front of me in line, I'll go on offense and I'll be like, 'Hey, I lost my mom and I don't get to buy her stuff. Would you mind if I bought your coffee?' I'll just live that way. And when you live that way, crazy stuff happens."

He shared a story as an example.

Grammer was eating breakfast at a cafe in Boston back in 2018 near where he was playing a show. He saw a group of women about his mom's age at a table and had that feeling that he wanted to buy their breakfast. He hesitated because it was so close to the venue he was playing and he didn't want to seem like he was doing something nice to draw attention to himself, but the feeling persisted.

"Finally, I just give into it and I walk over and I say, 'Listen, my mom passed away. One of the things I like to do for her is just pay for women's breakfasts sometimes. It would mean a lot to me…if you would just let me pay for your breakfast this morning.' The lady on the left just starts bawling. And she says, 'I lost my son. He was about your age.' So we both stand up and I'm just like bawling with a stranger."

The worst thing that can happen when you stay open and follow those inner promptings, Grammer says, is that you feel stupid sometimes if someone responds like you're being weird. But most of the time, that's not the reaction.

"I dare everyone to live and to play with it," he said. "Grief doesn't have to be something that just hits you when you're not ready for it."

He suggests to people who are grieving the loss of someone to think of something specific about that person, something they did or something they loved, and go out and offer that thing to other people.

"Their thing was to make bread? Set days and make bread and give it out. Go on offense to be a part of it, and get this really sweet feeling of remembering them."

Watch how he explains:

@podcrushed

Go on offense with grief 🖤 #grief #loss #lossofaparent

Grammer's approach really resonated with people who have lost loved ones themselves.

"I don’t who this man is but I just lost my dad who just turned 60 and I struggle so much with it. I’m sobbing at how beautiful this approach is," shared one person.

"Lost my dad to the pandemic and this feels like this thinking I might be a game changer for me. Thank you," wrote another.

"I’m so utterly affected by this conversation. It speaks to healing with community by giving ourselves permission to connect with others," shared another.

"Thank you. My mom died two years ago and I’m so tired of people telling me to get over it and move on. I want to celebrate her all the time," someone else added.

"THIS IS SO GOOD. I lost my mom too and could not agree more. I’ve never heard it explained like 'offense' love it ❤️❤️," added another.

Grammer and the hosts of Podcrushed went deeper into grief processing in their full conversation. You can listen to the Podcrushed episode with Andy Grammer here.

Breastfeeding can be awesome — but it can also be difficult, physically exhausting, and isolating.

Parents may choose to breastfeed for a variety of reasons and have a range of experiences with it, but one thing is universal: It helps to have help.

People often tout the natural beauty of breastfeeding, and that can certainly be true. But it's equally true that nursing can be physically demanding, time-consuming, and — thanks to society's squeamishness — socially isolating. Even those who love breastfeeding need moral and logistical support, especially from their partners.


Here are some celebrity dads who show us what supportive breastfeeding partners look like:

Keeping breastfeeding partners well-fed and hydrated, like The Rock did, is a good place to start.

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson melted hearts with a photo on Instagram of him lovingly feeding his girlfriend while she fed their baby.

"Mama @laurenhashianofficial has her hands full nursing/feeding Baby Tia," he wrote, "so I'm feedin' mama her dinner. My pleasure. So much respect to her and all mamas out there holding it down and running things."

Not only does breastfeeding require hands, it also burns 300-500 calories a day, which can make for ravenous hunger. Nursing requires extra water too, so partners can help by bringing a breastfeeding person food and liquids.

Expressing appreciation for breastfeeding like Justin Baldoni did is another way to show support.

"Jane the Virgin" actor Justin Baldoni didn't hold back in sharing his awe in watching his wife breastfeed their baby, Maxwell.  

"I love watching Emily feed our son," he wrote on Instagram:

"They share such a deep bond and I can see how much joy it brings her when everything stops and it just the two of them connecting ... It still blows my mind at how incredible the female body is and that the only thing my son has eaten since he was born has been produced by my wife."

He also shared a photo he took of her breastfeeding, with words of praise for her as a mother and wife. Beautiful.

Andy Grammer modeled how to support breastfeeding in public without shame.

The singer/songwriter shared a photo of his wife Aijia getting sassy with public breastfeeding shamers on Twitter and sent a shoutout "to all the moms feeding their babies without a care and in style."

And check out this adorable video of Grammer beatboxing in time to his daughter Louisiana's hiccups. (Another way to help is burping the baby after feeding time, BTW.)

Partners can also step up in unexpected ways when breastfeeding goes wrong, like Dax Shepard did.

Actress Kristen Bell shared a story on her online show "Momsplaining" about one of the times she had mastitis and wasn't able to get to the doctor. Mastitis is a painful and potentially dangerous breast infection. Their baby had recently quit breastfeeding, and she needed to express her milk to relieve the pain and pressure.

Bell said she told her husband, "We can talk about it, we can be weird about it, or you can just go ahead and nurse." So Shepard extracted the milk — yep, like that — and spit it into a cup.

"I've never been more in love," said Bell.

Even just cleaning a breast pump and washing bottles can make a huge difference.

When rapper George Moss shared a photo of him cleaning a breast pump after a concert, people went wild and shared the post widely.

If you ever wonder what #rappers do when they get off stage, they clean breast pumps for their wives so their baby can eat. #thuglife

Posted by George Moss on Monday, June 22, 2015

But as Moss wrote in a follow-up post, it's a little strange that he gets all the kudos for doing something as simple as cleaning a breast pump:

"If anyone should get the credit it should be people like my wife! This woman AMAZES me! Through all the pain & soreness, frustrations, stress, etc. of trying to breast feed and pump, she gets up in the middle of the night to nurse a hungry baby."

Here's to those who enthusiastically support their breastfeeding partners.

Your words and actions make a difference.

Most Shared

Watch Andy Grammer's new music video here first, filmed on Skid Row.

Andy Grammer gave makeovers to folks who are homeless in his new music video, and it was awesome.

Andy Grammer is a pretty famous singer-songwriter.

You've probably heard some of his hit songs: "Fine by Me," "Keep Your Head Up," and "Honey, I’m Good."

Now he’s back with a new single and an inspiring video, too.


Grammer at the 2015 NASCAR Sprint Cup Series Awards. Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images.

His new love song, "Fresh Eyes," digs deep into the hearts of listeners to open their eyes to the pain and struggles of folks who are homeless in Los Angeles.

Grammer explained why he turned his love song into an opportunity to close the divide between society and the homeless: "I was a street performer in Santa Monica," he said. "I’d talk to homeless people a lot.  I’d eat pizza with them … it wasn’t us and them anymore. It was just us."

All photos by Ryan Bradley/Rubrik House.

Grammer wanted to change people’s perceptions of folks who are homeless, so he decided to focus his new music video on their lives.

He teamed up with Union Rescue Mission of Los Angeles and went to Skid Row to give the folks who lived there the attention, love, and care they desperately needed.

Union Rescue Mission works hard to care for the over 45,000 people who are homeless on the streets of Los Angeles. With Grammer’s help, the organization gave people makeovers and lifted their spirits for a day.

"I was trying to get to know them … make them smile and make them laugh," Grammer said. He said he had the chance to speak with a man named Michael about how he felt after his makeover.  Michael told him, "I feel human ... for a change."

Grammer hopes this video will inspire others to see the homeless folks in their neighborhoods with "fresh eyes."

"If you want to have the best day you’ve ever had, go there [Skid Row] and give something away," he said.

Check out his new music video, premiering exclusively on Upworthy:

Andy Grammer gives a voice to the voiceless by spreading love and kindness to those who are homeless in his new video, "Fresh Eyes." An Upworthy exclusive.

Posted by Upworthy on Wednesday, October 19, 2016