Sharks. Living inside a volcano. If this was a movie, it'd be 'Shark-cano.' But it's real.

There comes a time in all of our lives when we must admit the tragic truth: Sharknados are not real.

Sharks rain from the sky like teardrops from my eyes. GIF from "Sharknado 2."


Neither are Sharktopuses or Mega Shark and Mecha Shark or any other such fantastical creatures of SyFy Original Movie fame — except for two-headed sharks (which could arguably occur as natural mutations) and avalanche sharks (which, with climate change, you never know).

It's OK. It can be difficult accept the harrowing reality of our CGI-monster-less lives.

But dry your eyes, brave soldier! For hope has risen like a phoenix from the fiery depths of the South Pacific....

GIF from "Sharknado 2."

Scientists recently discovered a certain sharp-toothed surprise while exploring an active underwater volcano.

That's right. Underwater volcano.

Oceanographer (and National Geographic Society/Waitts Grant recipient) Brennan Phillips led an expedition into the South Pacific to learn more about Kavachi, a submarine volcano near the Solomon Islands that was actively spewing as recently as 2014.

Phillips and his team knew that the summit was somewhere around 100 feet below sea level and that it was capable of shooting plumes of magma nearly a quarter-mile into the air, forming temporary islands on the ocean's surface.

But no one had ever explored Kavachi up close before. They wanted to learn more.

A submarine volcano erupting. GIF via Smithsonian Ocean Portal.

Unfortunately, it's hard to study underwater volcanos. 'Cause, ya know. Underwater. And also volcano.

They sent underwater cameras to look inside the crater and discovered that Kavachi wasn't the only thing that was active.

There were vol-crab-nos...

GIF via National Geographic/YouTube.

...and lava-rays...

They were calling it a "sixgill stingray." But we all know the truth. GIF via National Geographic/YouTube.

And f---ing SHARK-CANOS!

THE RARE MAGMATIC HAMMERHEAD. GIF via National Geographic/YouTube.

That's right, I said shark-canos. As in plural, baby.

This one's called a "silky shark," and frankly, I don't blame him for hanging out in a submarine volcano because shark-cano is waaaaaaaaaay more badass than "silky shark." GIF via National Geographic/YouTube.

Yes, these hyper-evolved geo-aquatic mutant hybrids are real. But that's ... about the only thing we know about them.

"These large animals are living in what you have to assume is much hotter and much more acidic water, and they’re just hanging out,” Phillips said. "What sort of changes have they undergone? Are there only certain animals that can withstand it? [...] Do they get an early warning and escape the caldera before it gets explosive, or do they get trapped and perish in steam and lava?

While we have yet to witness any shark-canos riding like rockets out of the ocean on geysers made of molten rock, we have discovered their one major weakness:

It's us.

Shark attacks against humans are incredibly rarewe're talking maybe 30 a year, 40 tops. You've got about a 1 in 11.5 million chance of experiencing your very own "Jaws" encounter.

That's not at all. There has not been a single record instance of a shark-cano attack in the entirety of human history. This is likely due to the fact that it's hard for living people to make it 200 feet underwater into the belly of a volcano, but still.

For the most part, sharks are all like:

GIF from "Super Bowl XLIX Halftime Show."

and then us humans are all like:

GIF from "Snakes on a Plane," which isn't technically a SyFy Original Movie, but still counts in terms of absurd animal-based B-movies.

Humans kill more than 100 million sharks every year. It's gotten to the point where 1 in 4 shark species are endangered.

If the tables were turned, you'd be hiding in a volcano too.

There's a much better chance of survival down there, which when you think about it, is really saying something.

To enjoy these magnificent creatures in all their glory, check out National Geographic's full video of the real-life shark-cano discovery:

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Anne Hebert, a marketing writer living in Austin, TX, jokes that her closest friends think that her hobby is "low-key harassment for social good". She authors a website devoted entirely to People Doing Good Things. She's hosted a yearly canned food drive with up to 150 people stopping by to donate, resulting in hundreds of pounds of donations to take to the food bank for the past decade.

"I try to share info in a positive way that gives people hope and makes them aware of solutions or things they can do to try to make the world a little better," she said.

For now, she's encouraging people through a barrage of persistent, informative, and entertaining emails with one goal in mind: getting people to VOTE. The thing about emailing people and talking about politics, according to Hebert, is to catch their attention—which is how lice got involved.

"When my kids were in elementary school, I was class parent for a year, which meant I had to send the emails to the other parents. As I've learned over the years, a good intro will trick your audience into reading the rest of the email. In fact, another parent told me that my emails always stood out, especially the one that started: 'We need volunteers for the Valentine's Party...oh, and LICE.'"

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Photo by Phillip Goldsberry on Unsplash

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via KrustyKhajiit / YouTube

Thomas F. Wilson played one of the most recognizable villains in film history, Biff Tannen, in the "Back to the Future" series. So, understandably, he gets recognized wherever he goes for the iconic role.

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The COVID-19 pandemic has disproportionately affected diverse communities due largely in part to social factors such as inadequate access to housing, income, dietary options, education and employment — all of which have been shown to affect people's physical health.

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Sometimes a politician says or does something so brazenly gross that you have to do a double take to make sure it really happened. Take, for instance, this tweet from Lauren Witzke, a GOP candidate for the U.S. Senate from Delaware. Witzke defeated the party's endorsed candidate to win the primary, has been photographed in a QAnon t-shirt, supports the conspiracy theory that 9/11 was a U.S. government inside operation, and has called herself a flat earther.

So that's neat.

Witzke has also proposed a 10-year total halt on immigration to the U.S., which is absurd on its face, but makes sense when you see what she believes about immigrants. In a tweet this week, Witzke wrote, "Most third-world migrants can not assimilate into civil societies. Prove me wrong."

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