If you find yourself overthinking social situations after they happen, you're not alone. Also known as "post-event rumination," this pattern is extremely common. One European study from 2020 found that between 86 and 96 percent of people reported experiencing post-event rumination after an embarrassing social situation.
It's also a factor in Social Anxiety Disorder (SAD), which affects 7.1 percent of adults in the United States, according to the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH). The NIMH defines SAD as being "characterized by persistent fear of one or more social or performance situations in which the person is exposed to unfamiliar people or to possible scrutiny by others. The individual fears that he or she will act in a way (or show anxiety symptoms) that will be embarrassing and humiliating."
While falling into patterns of anxious overthinking may feel habitual, there are ways to break the cycle. Clinical psychologist Thomas Smithyman, PhD, outlined four steps for stopping overthinking in social situations.
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Step #1: Practice psychological distancing
Smithyman defines psychological distancing as taking time to understand why we overthink social interactions and what purpose that overthinking may serve.
"I step back and identify why. 'Why is this coming up for me?'" explains Smithyman. "And the reason is, we're built for this. We're supposed to have a threat system that protects us from social injury." On a broader level, he notes, that system helps prevent humans from "doing something terribly wrong and getting kicked out of the group and dying."
Smithyman explains that this method of self-protection has been wired into our brains for roughly 35,000 years, and that it may no longer serve us in the way it once did.
"Sometimes it makes us really anxious in advance of social interactions so that we don't do anything wrong," he says. "But sometimes after we have had a social interaction, it kicks in and tries to go over everything we did and figure out: did we screw up? What can we do to repair that? And how do we prevent it in the future?"
The goal is to respond with self-compassion and kindness rather than harsh self-criticism.
"One of the biggest problems I see is people fighting with parts of their own brain," he says. "There's a part of them that they don't think should be there, so they criticize and attack themselves. It causes a lot of conflict."
Step #2: Get rational
"We miss all the things we did well and we hyper-focus on the supposed negative things," Smithyman says. "Instead of helping us in the future it makes us more and more anxious the next time that we interact."
Smithyman returns to the brain's protective system, noting that while it's meant to protect, it isn't always accurate. He cites research on a concept known as the liking gap.
"It's a series of research that shows after we interact with somebody, we are liked more than we assume," he explains. "We will leave thinking we're not that well liked, but the research shows people like us more than we think. Not only that, if we have any social anxiety, we know again from research we're even more likely to criticize our performance and underestimate how much other people liked us."
A man struggles with overthinking a past social situation.Photo credit: Canva
Step #3: Shift the "success" metric
According to Smithyman, this is the most important factor. He explains that many people define social success by whether "people like me and if they approve of me."
However, he argues that those metrics can be misleading because they rely on "private thoughts in someone's head, and we are just really terrible at mind reading." He adds: "We can say the same things to two people: and one person will like me; one person will not like me. So, who's right? How do I decide if I did 'well' or not?"
Therefore, the goal is to shift your success metrics from external approval to internal approval. He explains that instead of looking to others to gauge how you performed, you should ask yourself: "'Did I live up to my ethics and my values? Did I follow through on what matters to me?' Because I know that if I did that, I am proud of myself and I'm okay with myself. ... It means that our success is within our own hands."
Smithyman adds that he can assess himself and his integrity by asking three key questions:
- Was I warm?
- Was I curious?
- Was I authentic to myself?
People socializing and enjoying conversation together.Photo credit: Canva
Step #4: Weaken the idea of approval as success
Finally, Smithyman explains that to overcome overthinking social situations, you need to weaken the protective part of the brain that reinforces those thoughts. He offers a helpful metaphor: if a child wakes up in the middle of the night afraid of a boogeyman under the bed and runs to their parents' room, and the parents respond by agreeing, engaging, and telling the child to go fight the boogeyman, it reinforces the idea that the fear was justified.
"The next night, the kid is going to be just as scared again because the parents are reinforcing it," he says. "Every time your threat system activates, and then you willingly choose to treat those threats as dangerous, you're strengthening it."
To defeat this kind of thinking, Smithyman suggests taking the fuel away: "Whenever we sit and go over the event again and again, we analyze, we look for things, we reassure ourselves, and we're dedicating more and more time to going over these possible risks and screw-ups we had, we're adding fuel to it."
He recommends doing this instead: ask yourself, "What would I do if I were certain there was no risk?"
The answer? That your time likely wouldn't be spent hyper-focusing, overthinking, or overanalyzing yourself. Instead, it could be spent exercising, socializing with friends, or enjoying hobbies.
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A man struggles with overthinking a past social situation.
People socializing and enjoying conversation together.