Putting yourself out there and flirting with an attractive person can be scary. What if you make a fool of yourself? What if they reject you? What if they come to the bar with their significant other? What if you start talking and run out of things to say? For those who are shy or introverted, these situations are even worse.
To complicate matters, people have difficulty determining if someone is flirting with them. A study found that people are good at telling when someone is flirtatious but terrible at realizing they are being flirted with. While people are 80% accurate at determining that someone isn’t flirting with them, only 36% of men and 18% of women can correctly yell if someone is being flirtatious.
To add to the awkwardness, in a world where a lot of communication is done online, people are finding it harder to flirt with a stranger in public.
So, what can we do? The good thing is that people who say they are experts in flirting have been kind enough to share their advice for shy people. Here are 15 of the best pieces of advice we culled from an AskReddit forum question: “Experienced flirts of Reddit, what advice can you give for shy people on how to flirt?”
The big takeaway is to have fun, eliminate expectations, and make the other person laugh. Sounds easy, right?
1. Don't be afraid to fail
"People don’t care that much if you say something embarrassing or weird, so you shouldn’t care either. From what I’ve learned, most girls actually like it when you’re just talking about whatever you feel like, even if it’s kinda goofy or weird because it brings up a genuinely good conversation that isn’t the boring stuff they always talk about with guys trying to flirt with them."
2. Make eye contact
"Eye contact says more than you will ever know. Subtle of course."
But what if you have a problem making eye contact?
"Look at the spot between their eyes. Break away every few seconds if it gets overwhelming but only horizontally and only for around a second. If you’re trying to flirt you can use the breakaway to look at their lips briefly. Don’t do that every single time lol."
3. Pretend you're disinterested
"Decide you are not actually interested in them and are just trying to be nice to them before beginning your attempt to flirt."
4. Fake it 'til you make it
"Literally, and I can not stress this enough, if you lack confidence just fake it. It's the #1 thing when it comes to flirting and is very attractive. Emotionally I'm not confident at all, but I act like I am and sometimes even a little arrogance will get you were you want to be."
5. Don't flirt, talk
"If you're shy, you're shy. That is a trait you can work on, but if you're in a moment where you have not done the work but still need to make that talk happen because otherwise she/he is gone forever, you gotta push through. To push through, do not flirt. I know it seems counterintuitive, but hear me out. Flirting implies a potential romantic and (more short-term) sexual relationship. What you wanna go for is just talking. A conversation. Can be about whatever. What counts is that you talk. Listen to them! Focus on what they are saying and talk accordingly! Ask them follow-up questions. People like being listened to. Being a good listener is one of the most alluring qualities you can have. Once you feel comfortable - maybe a few beers helped as well - you can ask if they would like to continue talking another time and get in contact."
"Don’t flirt. Just talk to them like you would any other person you’re not interested in. Nature will take its course from there."
6. Think only of them
"I'm female and flirted for a living (was a stripper for years). Do not think of anything except them. When you look at them, focus on how much you like them. When you talk to them, same thing.You can talk about something as mundane as the weather but as long as you're simultaneously thinking about how you're enjoying looking at them you're going to give off signals, you're going to smile and laugh more easily and be more attractive yourself in general. Psychologically speaking - people fucking LOVE to feel like you like them - so make sure you do and focus on that. Works like a charm, trust me."
"I'll be honest, this is actually what flirting is all about. Any conversation or topic that shows your desire and interest towards that person is the best way of flirting without feeling forced."
7. Make them laugh
"By no means an expert but this seems to work: give your name and make her laugh before you try to get her number, I think the theory behind it is that laughing releases the bonding hormone and knowing each other's name creates a sense of connection/ knowing each other, so it's basically being a complete stranger VS being somewhat of an acquaintance, definitely an advantage."
"I think the theory behind it is that most laughing is social. It is to be likeable and ease tension instead of laughing because something is funny. Laughing because something is genuinely funny is relatively rare, and if a person laughs in a group, their eyes subconsciously turn towards the person in the room they like the most. So if you make her laugh, it can mean that she is trying to be likable and slightly submissive and, therefore, likely to be interested in you."
"Make them laugh and make them feel like the only person in the room."
8. Always be flirting
"The trick is to practice. Always be flirting. You'll learn how to read people, read the room, and, importantly, read the time/physical constraints of the situation. I learned from my "super-connector" wife that you just need to try to connect with everyone you can as a habit. Nowadays, I never miss an opportunity to (non-sexually) 'flirt' with the checkout person, the sales associate, the waiter/waitress. It's about being present, and proactively, unexpectedly nice when interacting with people. Flattery is cheap, but when you ask them what they think the best item to buy is, you show deference to their opinion and get that connection going. I don't flirt to get something, I flirt to practice for that time when I DO need help, so it doesn't come across as needy or manipulative. I taught my son and daughter to 'Always be flirting' and it pays off regularly and immediately. Better seats, better tips/recommendations, and just better interactions with every person I talk to. And if that is suddenly sounding suspicious, I'm an unattractive 50-year-old male who had NO GAME in my youth and still struggle with eye contact."
9. Give them the ball
"Give them the ball. 'Hey, I'm nervous, but I was hoping to get to know you, though.' Give them respect with pure honesty. That's really all the icebreaker you need."
"Openly admit your awkwardness, he/she might either see it as cute or even brave."
10. H.O.T.A.P.E.
"I didn’t see this here yet, but there’s a ted talk about the science of flirting. I’m married, so my opportunities to rest it out are limited, but this completely breaks it down and makes it understandable. The system is called 'hot ape', and each letter stands for one element. (Humour, Open body language, Touch, Attention, Proximity, Eye contact). Whether you are shy or not, if you understand the six elements, flirting Becomes immediately understandable."
- YouTubewww.youtube.com
11. Practice
"Choose the attractive cashier and flirt with them on the way through the line. Keep it light and short. Complement their hair or item of clothing and leave it at that. Don't look for compliments in return. Get your joy from making someone else feel good about themselves. Don't overdo it. One compliment and done unless it sparks a conversation. Then roll with the convo. This means very little to you. You just bought your thing, talked to an attractive person, smiled and moved on. It was easy and left both of you feeling good. Once you are comfortable, try it with a stranger in line then move on to someone you actually like. Have fun."
12. Have zero expectations
"Go into any interaction (no matter the person) with no expectations, ideas, goals, ETC. People can sense desperation and they can sense when you are only talking to them when because you want something. So simply starting a conversation and seeing if you even have chemistry with a person is always the first step."
13. Open with a compliment
"Compliment something they’re wearing, especially if it’s a unique item. Something like: 'That color looks great on you,' 'Nice shoes, those are super cool,' 'That’s a really unique necklace you pull it off pretty well.' It’s a good intro and then you can just talk about the thing and have a casual conversation. Mention the weather next or anything you might have in common - classes, the location you are, etc... the goal is to just carry a conversion for a few minutes or so and see how it is."
14. Don't tell them they are cute
"Never say 'you're cute,' It just cements in your mind that she's cute and way out of your league."
15. What's the worst that can happen?
"For me it helped a great amount to notice that nothing bad will happen if I do flirt. Sure, people who aren't interested will shut you down, but only with their tone or choice of words. Nobody will call you out and say, 'Stop flirting.' The next thing was to be confident in myself and realize that people could actually be interested in me. Last but not least, practice. You don't learn to flirt in one day. Also, the fear you have to overcome to start it or say something flirty becomes less and less the more often you do it."
