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A rude child sticking out his tongue.
At some point, every parent has to deal with a child who talks back and makes rude comments. It’s a normal part of growing up. But it’s a parent's job to stop it before it becomes an everyday behavior and an ingrained part of their personality.
Stopping rude behavior can be especially difficult for parents because it's easy to get upset and escalate the situation when their children talk back or act rudely.
The good news is that Dr. Becky is around to show us how to handle these situations like an adult. Dr. Becky Kennedy is a popular social media clinical psychologist who founded “Good Inside,” a program that helps support parents and children through every developmental phase. She's been called the "millennial parent whisperer," a fitting nickname she earned for her spot-on advice.
Dr. Becky shared 3 lines parents can use to respond to rudeness and talking back. “These will help you de-escalate the situation and immediately set you on the path for a positive interaction with your kid,” she says at the start of her video.
Line 1: “I hear you, and you must be really upset to say something like that to me.”
Line 2: “Look, all I’m saying is I know you’re a good kid, even when you say some not so good things.”
Line 3: “I know there’s another way you can say that to me. Do you want to try again?”
At first, a lot of folks may think that Dr. Becky is asking us to be too permissive of a kid who mouths off. But she has another perspective. “Now, I know what you might be thinking: ‘Am I just kind of permitting this rudeness?'” she says. “No! You are acting like an adult.” She says the key is avoiding being pulled into a power struggle or escalation of rudeness.
“You are not being pulled into a power struggle or rudeness escalation. Yes, it might feel good in the moment to say something like, ‘You can’t talk to me like that, you’re so disrespectful, no iPad tonight!’ But we know if we give rudeness back to our kid, they are just going to give more rudeness back to us. That is so ineffective and we have to be the adult. So try one of those lines and let me know how it goes,” Dr. Becky said.
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The key question for parents to consider in this situation is: Am I reacting or responding to my child’s behavior? Dr. Becky believes we should respond to the situation calmly and redirect the child’s behavior.
One commenter put Dr. Becky’s advice into action and had a great result.
“This absolutely works! My son said something awful to me the other morning while getting ready for school. I thought of you , took a deep breath, and said, ‘Wow, you must be really upset to have said that to me’ and he just nodded and said, ‘I am.’ We hugged, he even apologized and we connected,” A commenter wrote.
A fellow therapist, Dr. Claudia Luiz, explained the psychological concept behind Dr. Becky’s advice a bit further.
“This is what psychoanalysis calls ‘fusion.’ When the bad is fused with good, it neutralizes toxic interactions. Fusion is hard to achieve. Negative feels eclipse the living, positive ones, leading to ‘rudeness.’ To get more ‘fused’ you start by processing your impatience with your own negative feelings. You can learn to appreciate why it’s hard to dislike and feel angry at your children with fusion to feel less intense or disregulated. With fusion, you can be more chill,” Dr. Luiz wrote.
A kid sticking their tongue outPhoto credit: Canva
Dr. Becky’s advice is valuable because most parents would have a knee-jerk reaction to their child being rude and attempt to punish them or correct them in a harsh manner. However, Dr. Becky says that it’s best to diffuse the situation instead and that will make it less likely for the child to be rude because they aren’t getting the response they want. But what they are getting is something more, a chance to connect with a parent and an open, safe space to share their feelings without having to mask them in hostility.
Similarly, Dr. Becky has advised parents against putting too much energy into "fixing" things for their kids, saying "it's not our job to make kids happy." Instead, she suggests to essentially hold space for whatever discomfort or frustration the child is experiencing in the moment. This could mean literally sitting next to them, and offering them reassuring words like "I'm so glad you're talking to me about this/ I believe you/tell me more." And then, the hard part—not doing anything else.
Raising emotionally resilient kids isn't always the easiest thing, but it's so important for living a healthy adulthood. And often, as Dr. Becky's tips illustrate, a lot of it comes down with being able to "tolerate distress" ourselves as parents. Find even more expert-backed suggestions on how to do that by following Dr. Becky on Instagram.
This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.
Linguist explains simple reason Boomers use ellipses in texts all the time
One generation's texting habit that baffles every generation is the Boomers' seemingly excessive use of ellipses. Do you have more to say, Aunt Judy, or did you just accidentally press the period key too many times? Maybe it's for a dramatic pause or to put emphasis on a point? This is truly a mystery that leaves every generation below them confused about what is meant by the dreaded "dot dot dot."
Texting etiquette differs with every generation. Gen X and most Millennials use fairly proper grammar and punctuation throughout a text message exchange. Every new sentence starts with a capital letter, there are strategically placed Oxford commas to ensure there's little room for misunderstandings, and sentences end with an appropriate punctuation mark.
Joyful moments captured: A cheerful day out!Photo credit: Canva
When it comes to Gen Z, they find that ending text messages with proper punctuation indicates that the person they're texting is being passive-aggressive. They also text in shorthand and emojis that can feel a bit like you need a special decoder ring to decipher the messages. But texting in an encrypted way can be chalked up to youth, though the same can't be said when it comes to Boomers. Or can it?
Harvard linguist and author of the book Algospeak, Adam Aleksic, breaks down why so many Boomers use ellipses when texting. It's surprisingly not as complicated or dramatic as one may imagine. In a viral video posted last year on TikTok, Aleksic explains his theory for the texting etiquette of Boomers.
Two generations connecting through their smartphones.Photo credit: Canva
"You know how older people tend to use the 'Boomer ellipses' whenever they're texting? There's always a random 'dot dot dot' in the middle of their messages?" Aleksic asks. "Well, that's because they grew up following different rules for informal communication. Nowadays, if you want to separate an idea, you just press enter and start a new line with a new thought, but it made less sense to do that for writing postcards or letters, where you had to save space, so people back in the day learned to separate thoughts by using ellipses."
Aleksic explains that this is also true for when phones first started allowing text messaging. You were charged by the message, so ellipses made it more efficient to convey all the thoughts in one message instead of multiple ones. SMS texting also had a character limit, unlike current phones, where you can essentially write a novella in a single message without your phone automatically breaking it up.
Today's texting standards typically mean people separate their thoughts by sending multiple messages for separate thoughts, though that annoys some people. If separating thoughts means you'll be sending no less than five texts in quick succession, it's likely best to just space down to make the text longer, rather than bombarding an unsuspecting friend.
When it comes down to it, younger generations have adapted to the new standard, embracing the unlimited text option, while Boomers haven't. Due to this discrepancy in text etiquette, the ellipses used by Boomers throw people for a loop.
Elderly man working.Photo credit: Canva
"That means the Boomer ellipses became redundant, which is why they cause confusion today. They violate what we call 'the maximum quantity;' they add more information than necessary, so they appear to imply something more than the intended meaning. Most of the time, that comes off to younger people as hesitation, annoyance, or passive aggressiveness because that's how we use the ellipses," the linguist shares.
So, no, your grandma isn't mad at you or avoiding telling you something; according to Aleksic, she's just trying to send you multiple messages in one. There's no hidden emotion behind the ellipses for Boomers; it's simply a habit left over from their younger years.