Fortune 500 'whisperer' shares the 3 questions that will bring almost any argument to a positive end
Disrupt the conversation and get to a solution.
Get conversations focused on solutions.
It can be deeply frustrating when an argument, debate, complaint, or negotiation goes off the rails. The fallout can include hurt feelings, mental exhaustion, and even damaged relationships, whether the disagreement happens in a business meeting or around the kitchen table. But one CEO and corporate communication expert suggests three questions he says can help bring a positive conclusion to almost any argument.
Steven Gaffney has worked for more than 30 years as an advisor and communicator for Fortune 500 companies, helping leaders communicate plans and negotiate deals. He said that conversations inside and outside the boardroom can be disrupted and steered toward solutions when one person asks the other party three simple questions.
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1. What would you suggest?
Instead of trying to convince another person of your point, it may be more fruitful to give them the opportunity to suggest a solution to the shared problem or propose the plan they prefer. This can surface an option they already support, one the two of you can agree on or negotiate further. It can also redirect the conversation toward solution-finding, or help them realize they do not have a clear alternative and may be more open to yours.
2. What would it take for you to agree?
Gaffney said that when this question is asked enough times, the conversation naturally shifts toward finding a solution. It helps clarify what the other person wants, what concerns they have with a proposal, and what they ultimately want the outcome to look like. This provides direct insight into their priorities and allows those concerns to be addressed, which can reduce resistance by helping them feel heard.
3. Can you live with it?
There are times when one or neither person gets 100 percent of what they want. That is simply part of life. Asking this question aloud can surface minor hang-ups that may be blocking an agreement or compromise by encouraging self-reflection, both for the other party and for yourself. If you can "live with it," you have reached a point of agreement. If they can live with it, that is a success as well.
The worst case is that someone cannot live with it, and that is fine. If that happens, Gaffney recommends starting the questioning over with "What would you suggest?" to move past a stopping point in the conversation and explore what other options might be available to both of you.
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Professionals chime in
Communication professionals told Upworthy that they largely agree with the themes and intent behind Gaffney's three questions.
"Gaffney's three questions provide a framework that encourages contribution and ensures commitment," said Joel Simon, attorney at Simon Perdue Law Firm. "They create a structured path from uncertainty to clarity and action. I agree these questions work because they redirect dialogue from blame or debate toward collaboration and problem-solving. Each question encourages ownership, transparency, and commitment which aligns with negotiation principles I use daily, where resolving conflicts efficiently while preserving relationships is paramount."
However, while Gaffney has a proven track record and the intent behind his questions is sound, not all of his contemporaries agree that his style of questioning is one-size-fits-all. Jennifer Martin, a communications expert and business consultant with 25 years of experience, said that while she appreciates Gaffney's direct approach, it may not be effective for everyone.
"Just like the world is not filled with only tech gurus and accountants, as leaders we have to be prepared to style-flex and communicate in the language of creatives, salespeople, people pleasers, and the just-the-facts types among others," said Martin. "This is why personality tests are so popular in business."
Communication and workplace culture expert Dallin Cooper largely agreed with the broader intent of Gaffney's questions, saying they place people in an "outcome-focused mindset" that "creates introspection." That said, he also noted that the approach is not foolproof, particularly the final question.
"The key to de-escalating a conversation is to avoid defensiveness, and if you exasperatedly ask someone 'Can you just live with it?,' that often isn't going to end well," explained Cooper. "The delivery, the tone, and the wording of a question like that can make a huge difference in making it feel non-combative."
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Like Cooper, Martin was also concerned with how the questions are asked. She suggested that, depending on the other person's personality, communicators may need to tailor their message in a way the audience can best receive. Some people respond well to direct bluntness, while others may require more finesse.
Martin recommended approaching the other party with the intention of allowing them to express their point of view, while keeping the focus on understanding what they want in order to find a solution that fits.
"As all any of us really want is to be seen, heard, respected, and considered," she said.
"One thing these questions all have in common is that they are undeniably good questions to ask yourself," concluded Cooper. "They will help you understand why you're having the conversation, whether it's worth having, and keep you focused on a solution. All great things to ask yourself. And all good things to ask someone else if you ask them at the right time, and in the right way."

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