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I have compassion for everyone struggling with depression — except me.

mental health, depression, family, community
Image created from Pixabay.

According to the World Health Organization, 5% of adults suffer depression.

My earliest memories of stifling depression go back to the age of 7.

By stifling, I mean the kind of clinical depression that courses through your veins, colors every thought, and places such a metaphorical weight on you that you feel unable to move in both literal and figurative ways.

Depression is a disease of inaction, of paralysis. At least, that's how it manifests for me.

It's a part of myself I have hated, a part of myself I've hidden and combatted — with drugs, with sex, with working too much, talking too much, taking on more and more … and I'm fine, I'm fine, I'm fine.

Because the more I do, the more I can hide the depression that's lurking beneath it all.

When it comes to other people who are struggling with mental health issues, I am empathetic; I am patient and compassionate.

But when it comes to my own depression, I am none of those things. I am the opposite — impatient, angry, intolerant.

Getting a handle on my depression took a long damn time. Today, I am on the proper medication; I have tools and knowledge that I didn't have even 10 years ago. Because of that, I have this unrealistic expectation that it's solved, and when my depression crops up despite all my armor, I feel confused, angry, and anxious — but most of all, disappointed in myself.

I recognize intellectually that it's unreasonable to hold myself accountable for brain chemistry that I hardly understand, let alone control. But I do. I feel responsible for it.

I also recognize that making yourself culpable for something you have no control over is cruel.

If I had survived cancer and the cancer came back, would I blame myself? If I'm honest, I might. Which is so messed up.

Part of my (admittedly dysfunctional) coping mechanism is control. If I control the situation, the emotion, or the circumstance, then I won't hurt. If I take drugs to mask the emotional pain, I'm in control. If I cheat to prevent the heartache of being left or cheated on (because, of course, I'm unlovable), I'm in control. If I work, work, work, and push and don't stop, I won't have time for the anxiety.

It's all a lie. Because my need to control puts me out of control.

One of my biggest life lessons that has come up time and again for me is compassion for self.

And it's a lesson that I am learning over and over. Because I am stubborn. Because my expectations for myself are ridiculous.

I have written and spoken a lot about the Reiki healing I have done for the past 18 months. My Reiki healer has repeated this message to me during nearly every visit or conversation we've had: "You don't have to be Superwoman. Show yourself some compassion."

What stops me?

In my work as an advice columnist and general advice giver to my friends, I have said so many times that the most significant form of self-care is to say "This is how I feel." And I'm pretty good at doing that — except when it comes to saying "I feel depressed." Why?

Because when I say this, I feel like I have failed. I know that's not a fact, but it is what I feel.

I still have moments and sometimes days that I think about suicide.

Even with all I have in my life. Even with all the love around me. Even with how very much I have to be grateful for. And when it crops up, I hate myself for it. Because you don't have a right to feel this way. Because you have so much. Because you are a mother. Because you beat this thing.

If I were speaking to someone else who felt this way, I would say, "It's OK. You can be 100% grateful for your life and still feel depressed. Depression is not a choice. Depression is a chronic mental illness, and it doesn't make you bad or broken or selfish."

And still, I struggle to believe that for myself.

But I am working on it.

With Reiki and with meditation, I am doing active work — cognitive behavioral stuff — to rewire those brain pathways. I am making decisions to consciously, continuously handle my depression, and I remind myself repeatedly that it's a marathon, not a sprint.

My default for so many years was to jump to one crystalized thought: I want to kill myself. Today, I am working on a new one: I want to have compassion for myself, even when I'm depressed.

And it's working.

This article originally appeared on Ravishly and is printed here with permission. More from Ravishly:


    From Your Site Articles
    Joy

    Sorry, Labradors. After 31 years, America has a new favorite dog.

    The American Kennel Club has crowned a new favorite.

    via Pixabay

    A sad-looking Labrador Retriever

    The sweet-faced, loveable Labrador Retriever is no longer America’s favorite dog breed. The breed best known for having a heart of gold has been replaced by the smaller, more urban-friendly French Bulldog.

    According to the American Kennel Club, for the past 31 years, the Labrador Retriever was America’s favorite dog, but it was eclipsed in 2022 by the Frenchie. The rankings are based on nearly 716,500 dogs newly registered in 2022, of which about 1 in 7 were Frenchies. Around 108,000 French Bulldogs were recorded in the U.S. in 2022, surpassing Labrador Retrievers by over 21,000.

    The French Bulldog’s popularity has grown exponentially over the past decade. They were the #14 most popular breed in 2012, and since then, registrations have gone up 1,000%, bringing them to the top of the breed popularity rankings.

    The AKC says that the American Hairless Terrier, Gordon Setter, Italian Greyhound and Anatolian Shepherd Dog also grew in popularity between 2021 and 2022.

    The French Bulldog was famous among America’s upper class around the turn of the 20th century but then fell out of favor. Their resurgence is partly based on several celebrities who have gone public with their Frenchie love. Leonardo DiCaprio, Megan Thee Stallion, Alexandra Ocasio-Cortez, Reese Witherspoon and Lady Gaga all own French Bulldogs.

    The breed earned a lot of attention as show dogs last year when a Frenchie named Winston took second place at the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and first in the National Dog Show.

    The breed made national news in early 2021 when Gaga’s dog walker was shot in the chest while walking two of her Frenchies in a dog heist. He recovered from his injuries, and the dogs were later returned.

    They’ve also become popular because of their unique look and personalities.

    “They’re comical, friendly, loving little dogs,” French Bull Dog Club of America spokesperson Patty Sosa told the AP. She said they are city-friendly with modest grooming needs and “they offer a lot in a small package.”

    They are also popular with people who live in apartments. According to the AKC, Frenchies don’t bark much and do not require a lot of outdoor exercise.

    The French Bulldog stands out among other breeds because it looks like a miniature bulldog but has large, expressive bat-like ears that are its trademark feature. However, their popularity isn’t without controversy. “French bulldogs can be a polarizing topic,” veterinarian Dr. Carrie Stefaniak told the AP.

    american kennel club, french bulldog, most popular dog

    An adorable French Bulldog

    via Pixabay

    French Bulldogs have been bred to have abnormally large heads, which means that large litters usually need to be delivered by C-section, an expensive procedure that can be dangerous for the mother. They are also prone to multiple health problems, including skin, ear, and eye infections. Their flat face means they often suffer from respiratory problems and heat intolerance.

    Frenchies are also more prone to spine deformations and nerve pain as they age.

    Here are the AKC’s top ten most popular dog breeds for 2022.

    1 French Bulldogs

    2 Labrador Retrievers

    3 Golden Retrievers

    4 German Shepherd Dogs

    5 Poodles

    6 Bulldogs

    7 Rottweilers

    8 Beagles

    9 Dachshunds

    10 German Shorthaired Pointers


    This article originally appeared on 03.17.23

    From Your Site Articles
    dogs
    Pets

    Dog mom's pre-grooming pep talk to her 3 Shih-Tzus is pure comedy gold

    This feels straight out of "Ted Lasso."

    Representative Image from Canva

    There's no way they didn't understand what she was saying.

    Okay, so maybe dogs don’t understand everything we tell them exactly as a human would. But is that gonna stop us from having full blown conversations with them? Of course not. And the times they do seem to comprehend what’s being communicated—pure comedy.

    Take this dog mom’s hilarious pre-grooming pep talk with Shih-Tzus Branston, Pickle and Gizmo. She minced no words telling them exactly how this trip was gonna go. And the message seemed to be received.

    Branston (the troublemaker, apparently) got a firm warning of what not to do, including telling white lies about his upbringing.

    “I don’t need you running in telling the first dog you see that this is what this is what your hair used to look like when you lived in the Bronx running up and down the block, cause I know for a fact, Branston, that you live in a rural village,” she tells him.

    Viewers, however, seemed on board with Branston’s Bronx-affiliation, even if it was a little white lie. One person joked, “don’t be mad at the treats that I got, I’m still Branny from the block.”

    In the video, Branston is also instructed to not tell everyone that he “identifies as a BUll Mastiff,” which gets the most adorable look of disappointment for wee little Branston.

    As for Gizmo and Pickle—mom’s best advice is to pretend like they don’t know Branston.

    Perhaps the best part is mom’s British accent, which makes the entire clip feel like something pulled straight outta “Ted Lasso.” That, or the complete shock the Shih-tzu trio has at being informed of their weight class.

    Watch:

    @branstonandpickle01 Your NOT from the Bronx and you never ran up and down the block!! #dogsoftiktok #peptalktoyourdog #branstonwehavearrived #shihtzusoftiktok #peptalkbranston #funnydogvideos #funnyvideos #nyc #bronx #funny #dogs #dogtok ♬ original sound - Branston,Pickle&Gizmo

    Perhaps Branston, Pickle, and Gizmo’s mom isn’t totally off-base by giving them a talking to. According to the website allshihtzu.com, this breed had a “unique intelligence,” which gets best demonstrated by their attuned, empathic connection to their human families. Meaning that while they might not have the same kind of smarts as border collies or other herding dogs, their super power is picking up social cues.

    And, again, even if they had no earthly idea what their mom was saying, odds are she’d still be talking to them anyway. Why? Because pets are our babies. And baby talk is fun.jk

    From Your Site Articles
    dogs
    Pop Culture

    Parents who grew up in the '70s and '80s remember the experiences that blow their kids' minds

    Kids were tougher then for a reason.

    via Wikimedia Commons

    Island School Class, circa 1970s.

    Parents, do you think your child would be able to survive if they were transported back to the '70s or '80s? Could they live at a time before the digital revolution put a huge chunk of our lives online?

    These days, everyone has a phone in their pocket, but before then, if you were in public and needed to call someone, you used a pay phone. Can you remember the last time you stuck 50 cents into one and grabbed the grubby handset?

    According to the U.S. Federal Communications Commission, roughly 100,000 pay phones remain in the U.S., down from 2 million in 1999.

    Do you think a 10-year-old kid would have any idea how to use a payphone in 2022? Would they be able to use a Thomas Guide map to find out how to get somewhere? If they stepped into a time warp and wound up in 1975, could they throw a Led Zeppelin album on the record player at a party?

    Another big difference between now and life in the '70s and '80s has been public attitudes toward smoking cigarettes. In 1965, 42.4% of Americans smoked and now, it’s just 12.5%. This sea change in public opinion about smoking means there are fewer places where smoking is deemed acceptable.

    But in the early '80s, you could smoke on a bus, on a plane, in a movie theater, in restaurants, in the classroom and even in hospitals. How would a child of today react if their third grade teacher lit up a heater in the middle of math class?

    Dan Wuori, senior director of early learning at the Hunt Institute, tweeted that his high school had a smoking area “for the kids.” He then asked his followers to share “something you experienced as a kid that would blow your children’s minds.”


    A lot of folks responded with stories of how ubiquitous smoking was when they were in school. While others explained that life was perilous for a kid, whether it was the school playground equipment or questionable car seats.

    Here are a few responses that’ll show today’s kids just how crazy life used to be in the '70s and '80s.

    First of all, let’s talk about smoking.

    Want to call someone? Need to get picked up from baseball practice? You can’t text mom or dad, you’ll have to grab a quarter and use a pay phone.

    People had little regard for their kids’ safety or health.

    You could buy a soda in school.

    Things were a lot different before the internet.

    Remember pen pals?

    A lot of people bemoan the fact that the children of today aren’t as tough as they were a few decades back. But that’s probably because the parents of today are better attuned to their kids’ needs so they don't have to cheat death to make it through the day.

    But just imagine how easy parenting would be if all you had to do was throw your kids a bag of Doritos and a Coke for lunch and you never worried about strapping them into a car seat?


    This article originally appeared on 06.08.22

    From Your Site Articles
    parenting
    Health

    What’s the difference between depression and just being sad?

    There's a very important distinction.

    via Ted-Ed/YouTube

    What is Depression?

    In the United States, close to 10% of the population has depression, but sometimes it can take a long time for someone to even understand that they have it.

    One difficulty in diagnosis is trying to distinguish between feeling down and experiencing clinical depression. This TED-Ed video from December 2015 can help make the distinction. With simple animation, the video explains how clinical depression lasts longer than two weeks with a range of symptoms that can include changes in appetite, poor concentration, restlessness, sleep disorders (either too much or too little), and suicidal ideation. The video briefly discusses the neuroscience behind the illness, outlines treatments, and offers advice on how you can help a friend or loved one who may have depression.

    Unlike the many pharmaceutical ads out there with their cute mascots and vague symptoms, the video uses animation to provide clarity about the mental disorder. It's similar in its poignant simplicity to the HBO short documentary "My Depression," based on Liz Swados' book of the same name.


    This article originally appeared on 08.17.19

    From Your Site Articles
    mental health
    Family

    9 astounding photos this mom took to keep herself calm while giving birth.

    Birth is intense. It's also beautiful.

    Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    New baby and a happy dad.


    When San Francisco photographer Lisa Robinson was about to have her second child, she was both excited and nervous.

    Sure, those are the feelings most moms-to-be experience before giving birth, but Lisa's nerves were tied to something different.

    She and her husband already had a 9-year-old son but desperately wanted another baby. They spent years trying to get pregnant again, but after countless failed attempts and two miscarriages, they decided to stop trying.

    Of course, that's when Lisa ended up becoming pregnant with her daughter, Anora. Since it was such a miraculous pregnancy, Lisa wanted to do something special to commemorate her daughter's birth.

    So she turned to her craft — photography — as a way to both commemorate the special day, and keep herself calm and focused throughout the birthing process.

    Normally, Lisa takes portraits and does wedding photography, so she knew the logistics of being her own birth photographer would be a somewhat precarious new adventure — to say the least.

    pregnancy, hospital, giving birth, POV

    She initially suggested the idea to her husband Alec as a joke.

    Photo by Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    "After some thought," she says, "I figured I would try it out and that it could capture some amazing memories for us and our daughter."

    In the end, she says, Alec was supportive and thought it would be great if she could pull it off. Her doctors and nurses were all for Lisa taking pictures, too, especially because it really seemed to help her manage the pain and stress.

    In the hospital, she realized it was a lot harder to hold her camera steady than she initially thought it would be.

    tocodynamometer, labor, selfies

    She had labor shakes but would periodically take pictures between contractions.

    Photo by Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    "Eventually when it was time to push and I was able to take the photos as I was pushing, I focused on my daughter and my husband and not so much the camera," she says.

    "I didn't know if I was in focus or capturing everything but it was amazing to do.”

    The shots she ended up getting speak for themselves:

    husbands and wives, intimacy, hospital rooms,

    Lisa's husband Alec.

    Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    obstetrician, doctors, hospital rooms

    Hello Doc.

    Photo by Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    nurse, strangers, medical care,

    Warm and encouraging smiles from the nurse.

    Photo by Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    newborn, insurance, patient rights

    Hello, baby Anora!

    Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    love, emotion, mental health, community

    An overcome father.

    Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    experiment, images, capture, document, record

    Newborn Anora's first experience with breastfeeding.

    Photo by Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

    "Everybody was supportive and kind of surprised that I was able to capture things throughout. I even remember laughing along with them at one point as I was pushing," Lisa recalled.

    In the end, Lisa was so glad she went through with her experiment. She got incredible pictures — and it actually did make her labor easier.

    Would she recommend every mom-to-be document their birth in this way? Absolutely not. What works for one person may not work at all for another.

    However, if you do have a hobby that relaxes you, figuring out how to incorporate it into one of the most stressful moments in your life is a pretty good way to keep yourself calm and focused.

    Expecting and love the idea of documenting your own birthing process?

    Take some advice from Lisa: "Don't put pressure on yourself to get 'the shot'" she says, "and enjoy the moment as much as you can.”

    Lisa's mom took this last one.

    grandma, hobby, birthing process

    Mom and daughter earned the rest.

    Photo via Lisa Robinson/Lisa Robinson Photography.

     This article originally appeared on 06.30.16

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