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A woman's scary story of harassment got an infuriating reaction from men

Still, she came away from the viral experience encouraged by all the good people out there.

a black silhouette of a woman
Photo by Molly Blackbird on Unsplash

With one simple tweet, Nathalie Gordon had the attention of men and women everywhere.

Women who saw her tweet probably knew more or less what kind of story was coming.

Men, on the other hand, were in for an eye-opening ride.

Gordon began by recounting a seemingly casual encounter with a man on a bus.

The conversation between Nathalie and the stranger quickly escalated from casual to obnoxious to downright scary.

"I'm horrified and turn to ask him to stop doing it. He laughs at me," she tweeted next.

When she ran to the front of the bus to report the man to the driver, the driver reportedly told her to "sit somewhere else."

The bus driver was no help.

"You're a pretty girl, what do you expect?" the driver asked her. Gordon had a pretty powerful answer to that.

As Gordon's tweets went viral, similar stories from countless other women poured in.

Several women responded about their own run-ins with creeps on public transit.

One woman wrote that, in her case, it was the bus driver himself who wouldn't take "no" for an answer, actually following her off the bus one day and insisting on a date.

"The stories I'm being told [from women] are harrowing," Gordon explained over Twitter direct message. "There's a real sense of hopeless when you see these messages en masse."

Then men began responding to Gordon's story, many unthinkingly proving her exact point: They just didn't get it.

Quickly, the Not All Men brigade was out in full force. So were the Victim Blamers, and the This Never Happened gang.

Some of their responses were truly vile.

One man even responded by writing a lengthy screed from the perspective of Gordon's bus driver, in which he tried to explain that the bus driver's right to say "no" to helping a female passenger avoid being sexually harassed or assaulted is what equality really looks like because the bus driver shouldn't have to "fight her battles for her."

To them, Gordon has one simple answer: "Men, your input isn't necessary here. Just listen."

"Don't find fault or shout your opinion over people talking about actual experiences," she later wrote. "Just listen, read these stories and be a better, kinder, more informed, supportive and understanding man for the women in your lives."

Despite the critics and the doubters, Gordon says she came away from the discussion feeling encouraged.

"For every guy saying something cruel there's 10 rushing to my defence," she explains.

"They've recognised that women don't want, need or expect to be saved. We want people standing beside us going 'This is wrong, we need to find a way to stop this from happening.'"

"I know so many good men and this has confirmed that there are plenty more out there," Gordon says. "I just hope they are as vocal in real life as they are on Twitter because they have such power if they do."


This article originally appeared on 5.11.17

Family

Mom explains the common Boomer parenting style that still affects many adults today

Many are relieved to finally have a term for this experience.

Photo by Monstera Production

“What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”

There are certainly many things the Boomer parents generally did right when raising their kids. Teaching them the importance of manners and respect. That actions do, in fact, have consequences. That a little manners go a long way…all of these things are truly good values to instill in kids.

But—and we are speaking in broad strokes here—being able to openly discuss difficult feelings was not one of the skills passed down by this generation. And many Gen X and millennial kids can sadly attest to this.

This is why the term “dishonest harmony” is giving many folks of this age group some relief. They finally have a term to describe the lack of emotional validation they needed throughout childhood for the sake of saving face.

In a video posted to TikTok, a woman named Angela Baker begins by saying, “Fellow Gen X and millennials, let's talk about our parents and their need for dishonest harmony.”

Barker, who thankfully did not experience this phenomenon growing up, but says her husband “certainly” did, shared that when she’s tried to discuss this topic, the typical response she’d get from Boomers would be to “Stop talking about it. We don't need to hear about it. Move on. Be quiet.”

And it’s this attitude that’s at the core of dishonest harmony.

“What that’s showing is their lack of ability to handle the distress that they feel when we talk openly about uncomfortable things,” she says. “What they want is dishonest harmony rather than honest conflict.”


@parkrosepermaculture Replying to @Joe Namath #boomerparents #toxicparent #harmony #genx #millennial #badparenting #conflict #nocontact ♬ original sound - Parkrose Permaculture


“Keep quiet about these hard issues. Suppress your pain, suppress your trauma. Definitely don't talk openly about it so that you can learn to heal and break the cycle,” she continues. “What matters most is that we have the appearance of harmony, even if there's nothing harmonious under the surface.”

Barker concludes by theorizing that it was this need to promote a certain facade that created most of the toxic parenting choices of that time period.

“The desire of boomer parents to have this perception that everything was sweet and hunky dory, rather than prioritizing the needs of their kids, is what drove a lot of the toxic parenting we experienced.”

Barker’s video made others feel so seen, as clearly indicated by the comments.

“How did I not hear about dishonest harmony until now? This describes my family dynamic to a T. And if you disrespect that illusion, you are automatically labeled as the problem. It’s frustrating,” one person wrote.

“THANK YOU SO MUCH! I'm a 49 yo biker sitting in my bedroom crying right now. You just put a name to my darkness!” added another

Many shared how they were refusing to repeat the cycle.

One wrote, “This is EXACTLY my family dynamic. I’m the problem because I won’t remain quiet. Not anymore. Not again.”

“I love when my kids tell me what I did wrong. It gives me a chance to acknowledge and apologize. Everyone wants to be heard,” said another.

Of course, no parenting style is perfect. And all parents are working with the current ideals of the time, their own inner programming and their inherent need to course correct child raising problems of the previous generation. Gen Alpha parents will probably cringe at certain parenting styles currently considered in vogue. It’s all part of the process.

But hopefully one thing we have learned as a collective is that true change happens when we summon the courage to have difficult conversations.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Bartender shares her $9.28 paycheck to remind everyone why tipping is so important

Imagine thinking this is OK.

via Aaliyah Cortez / TikTok

A server in Texas shared some personal information on TikTok to remind everyone why it's so important to tip those who serve us our meals, drinks, and cut our hair.

The reminder is important at a time when restaurants, bars and hair salons are reopening across the country and many service industry workers are reeling from the downturn in business during the pandemic.

Aaliyah Cortez filmed a video of her paycheck where she shows that although she worked 70.80 hours during a pay period, she only received a check for $9.28. "So this is why you should always tip your bartenders and servers, anyone who waits on you, or provides a service for you," she said.


@f.aa.ded PSA #psa #fyp #foryou #bartender #server #work #tips #chooseone #CleanFreshHype #photography101 #hardwork #viral
♬ original sound - bronté

The video shows that even though she was paid the criminally low federal minimum tipped wage of $2.13, the money she received in her check was further reduced by taxes, social security, and Medicare payments.

"Of course, I got tips, but this is what I got for my hourly," Cortez said. "This is why you tip."

The rules for wages in tipped industries vary across the country. Texas is among the 16 states where the state minimum cash wage payment is the same as that required under the federal Fair Labor Standards Act ($2.13/hr.).

Now, if a server making $2.13 an hour doesn't reach the federal minimum wage of $7.25 an hour with tips, then their employer must make up the difference.

The best state to work in for tipped wages is California where the minimum wage is $13 to $14 an hour, depending on the size of the business.

In a follow-up video, Cortez further discussed the issue, noting that she doesn't agree with "state laws that allow restaurants to pay under minimum wage and expect the customer to pay our wages," she said.

"I make great money in tips, she added, "However, this is not the case for all service industry workers." According to Cortez, people aren't always that generous with their tips, even though their "state is expecting them to tip."

Cortez's video is a great reminder of two things:

First, that we should all be mindful to take care of those who serve us by giving them a decent tip. Secondly, that the U.S. needs to address the issue of the tipped minimum wage because it hasn't changed in 30 years.

"Since 1991, the federal tipped minimum wage has been frozen at $2.13 an hour," gender economist Katica Rot told NBC. "Meanwhile, the non-tipped federal minimum wage has risen 70.6% and consumer prices have gone up 90.24%."

In fact, tipped employees are twice as likely (and servers three times as likely) to live in poverty than non-tipped workers.

Women bear the biggest burden of the tipped minimum wage. They represent 70% of all workers in tip-dependent occupations.

Recently, the Senate rejected attempts to raise the federal minimum wage as part of the Biden administration's wide-sweeping COVID-19 relief package. Although that fight is far from over, it means the average person needs to step up and do their part to help out.

Cortez says that a big problem with her industry is that people just don't tip enough. Let that be a reminder that in a world where it's been painfully difficult to raise the minimum wage, we are all deputized to help those who serve us by pitching in with a generous tip to show appreciation and humanity.


This article originally appeared on 4.5.21

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Education

Salesman shares the 2 phrases that will make salespeople leave you alone when shopping

"I'm just looking," doesn't work.

via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

A salesman selling a car to a skeptical woman.

It can be intimidating to be approached by a salesperson when making a big purchase, such as a car or an appliance. They can swoop in like sharks, seeing blood in the water and some refuse to leave you alone, even if you say, “I’m just looking.”

TikTok's @RussFlipsWhips is a car salesman who went viral with a video explaining why “I’m just looking” doesn’t work on a car lot and providing more effective phrases you can use instead.

"There's two main reasons, and here's what you should say instead of 'I'm just looking,'" he said in a video with over 345,000 views. “One is, we hear it every single day. So when somebody tells me, ‘I’m just looking,’ I’m so used to hearing that, I almost like brush it off and ignore it because I’m like, ‘That’s what the customer’s supposed to say.’ “Secondly, every car salesman has had a customer say, ‘I’m just looking,’ and we ended up selling them a car."


Instead, Russell suggests you say: "Hey, I’d really like to look alone. Can I please have your business card?" or “I’m really not in the market for a car.”


@russflipswhips

Replying to @SoyPablo This is what I would say #carsales #carsalesman #cardealership #carbuyingtips

The post received funny responses from folks who may not qualify for a loan. “The ‘I have 2 repos and no money down' line works wonders,’” one TikToker joked. “I just tell them my credit score and they run,” another added.

In the end, Russell’s suggestions show that sometimes, the best way to get our point across is to be direct and honest. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting to shop alone and if the salesperson can respect that request, they deserve the sale if you decide to buy something.


This article originally appeared on 7.16.24

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Modern Families

Research shows the more expensive your wedding, the lower the chances of living 'happily ever after'

Couples who save together, stay together.

via PixaBay

"I now pronounce you, in debt. You may kiss the bride."

In 1964, Paul McCartney of the Beatles famously sang, “I don’t care too much for money, money can’t buy me love.” While Mr. McCartney’s sentiments were definitely a major foreshadowing of the hippie, free-love movement that was to come in the ‘60s, it appears as though he was also onto a big truth that wouldn’t be proven for another 50 years.

10 years ago, researchers Hugo M. Mialon and Andrew Francis-Tan from Emory University embarked on the first study to determine whether spending a lot on a wedding or engagement ring meant a marriage would succeed or fail.

The pair wanted to see if the wedding industry was being honest when it came to claims that the more money a couple spends, the more likely they are to stay together.

“The wedding industry has consistently sought to link wedding spending with long-lasting marriages. This paper is the first to examine this relationship statistically,” the researchers wrote.

The researchers carried out online surveys with more than 3,000 ever-married people living in the United States.

After reviewing the answers to the questionnaire the researchers learned that spending big bucks on a wedding and engagement ring made a couple more likely to get divorced. The researchers determined that "marriage duration is inversely associated with spending on the engagement ring and wedding ceremony."

Conversely, they found that "relatively low spending on the wedding is positively associated with duration among male and female respondents."

The researchers also found that the number of people who attend the wedding matters, too. The questionnaire revealed that “high wedding attendance and having a honeymoon (regardless of how much it cost) are generally positively associated with marriage duration."

The researchers haven’t studied why people who splurge on weddings and rings have a greater chance of having to hire divorce lawyers, but they have a few theories.

“It could be that the type of couples who have a … (cheap wedding) are the type that are a perfect match for each other,” Mialon told CNN. “Or it could be that having an inexpensive wedding relieves young couples of financial burdens that may strain their marriage,” he added.

Francis-Tan believes that people who have weddings with a large number of attendees are more successful because they have a lot of support.

“This could be evidence of a community effect, i.e., having more support from friends and family may help the couple to get through the challenges of marriage,” Francis-Tan said. “Or this could be that the type of couples who have a lot of friends and family are also the type that tend not to divorce as much.”

Could it also be that people who put a big emphasis on a flashy wedding and jewelry tend to bit a bit more materialistic? It makes sense that couples that are really into keeping up appearances may not have their properties straight when it comes to building a loving relationship.

To finish things off with another pop music analogy, “If you liked it then you should have put a ring on it,” (just make sure it’s an inexpensive one, in front of a lot of people, in your backyard).

This article originally appeared on 12.7.21

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Education

Teacher of the year explains why he's leaving district in unforgettable 3-minute speech

"I'm leaving in hopes that I can regain the ability to do the job that I love."

Lee Allen

For all of our disagreements in modern American life, there are at least a few things most of us can agree on. One of those is the need for reform in public education. We don't all agree on the solutions but many of the challenges are undeniable: retaining great teachers, reducing classroom size and updating the focus of student curriculums to reflect the ever-changing needs of a globalized workforce.

And while parents, politicians and activists debate those remedies, one voice is all-too-often ignored: that of teachers themselves.

This is why a short video testimony from a teacher in the Atlanta suburb of Gwinnett County went viral. After all, it's hard to deny the points made by someone who was just named teacher of the year and used the occasion to announce why he will be leaving the very school district that just honored him with that distinction.

In a video carried by Fox5 Atlanta, 2022 Gwinnett County Public Schools Teacher of the Year Lee Allen breaks down what he sees as the overriding problems in the county's school system. While his comments are specific to that of Gwinnett County, it's virtually impossible to not see the overlap across all of America and how the problems have become exponentially more challenging as students have migrated back to in-person learning.

"At the end of this year, I will be leaving Gwinnett County Schools, leaving behind the opportunity to submit for state teacher of the year, roughly $10,000 in salary, and most importantly, the students and colleagues I've built strong relationships with," Allen, a math teacher at Lawrenceville's Archer High School, says at the beginning of his remarks. "I'm leaving in hopes that I can regain the ability to do the job that I love."

Normally, one might assume teacher pay is the overriding issue for educators like Allen. But he makes it clear that he is, in fact, leaving money on the table to avoid what he deems as unacceptable changes to the student body and how the district manages its teachers and the learning environment. Here are his main grievances, in order:

  • "First issue at hand is student apathy and disrespect for school rules and norms. … We have an alarming number of students that simply do not care about learning and refuse to even try."
  • "We are also experiencing incredible disrespect and refusal to follow basic school rules. There is little to no accountability or expectation for grades or behavior placed on students or parents. Rather than being asked what the student can do to improve their understanding, teachers are expected to somehow do more with less student effort."
  • Cell phone use. Teachers simply cannot compete with the billions of dollars tech companies pour into addicting people to their devices. Phones allow constant communication, often being the spark that fuels fights, drug use and other inappropriate meetups throughout the day. We need a comprehensive district plan with support behind it in order to combat this epidemic and protect the learning environment."
  • "Lastly, there is a huge disconnect between administrators and teachers. The classroom in 2022 is drastically different from just three years ago. Most administrators have not been in a classroom full-time in years or even decades. Many teachers do not feel understood, valued or trusted as professionals from administrators and the decisions that they make."

While Allen points fingers at administrators and student behavior, he also says that the pressures put on both students and teachers alike by COVID-19 had a catastrophic impact on learning. "The pandemic has acted as a catalyst and turned a slow negative trend into an exponential crisis," he says.

But he also offers some solutions, stating, "I won't list complaints without offering ideas for improvement."

  • All administrators should spend at least one week in a high needs classroom, "without a suit, without people knowing your title and in the same room, all day, for an entire week."
  • Prioritizing smaller class sizes.
  • Greater transparency from the district in terms of needs and expectations and goals.

"We all want the same thing and we cannot accomplish this without supporting one another," he says near the end of his remarks.

With more than 400,000 views already, it's clear his remarks resonated with people not just inside his school district.

There's almost nothing more important than how we educate our children. And while the national political debate centers on areas of far less importance generated to gin up controversy and campaign fundraising, it's families and local leaders who will need to do the heavy lifting of reprioritizing the fundamental principles of learning and leadership if we want an American educational system that can compete on the global stage in 2022 and beyond. After all, when literal award-winning educators like Allen are walking away, it's clear something more needs to be done.


This article originally appeared on 6.28.22

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