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People's lives were changed by these 13 simple 'game-changing' therapist insights

"Everyone gets one life. They don't get yours, too."

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A therapist consoling her client.

You often see people have major breakthroughs with their therapists in movies such as “Ordinary People” (1980) or “Good Will Hunting” (1987). In these stories, sage wisdom from their therapists completely changes their lives and sets them on a new trajectory.

But do these things really happen? Can the average person have a complete psychological turnaround after a few therapy sessions or one incredible nugget of wisdom that completely changes their lives?

Do people have breakthroughs in therapy?

According to Danny Seto, a Registered Psychotherapist and Registered Marriage and Family Therapist, breakthroughs happen but are rare. "A breakthrough isn't a myth, and it can happen for some people, but for most people, it wouldn't happen like that," he told Inkblot Therapy. "There would be multiple steps leading up to it."

If people have a breakthrough in therapy, it doesn’t mean they are magically cured. It’s more of a turning point where someone begins to work on significant changes. Karen Oliver, a clinical associate professor of psychiatry and human behavior at Brown University, says, “A breakthrough moment is not the last step in therapy; it’s actually a very important beginning to middle step.”

People recently shared the game-changing insights their therapist shared with them on Reddit, and what’s interesting is that the wisdom is simple but powerful. Hopefully, they took that wisdom, put it into action, and made big changes to their lives.

Here are 13 that are the most profound.

1. One life to live

"Everyone gets one life. They don't get yours, too."

2. You belong

"You’re allowed to take up space.’ It hit me hard—I never realized how much I was shrinking myself to fit into others’ expectations.'
"A really important step for me was realizing that I'm not a person who doesn't belong causing trouble by being in everyone's way everywhere I go, I am in fact just another person going about their daily life. I have just as much right to cross the street or go to the grocery store as anyone else."

3. The procrastination cure

"I had a massive procrastination issue when it came to my uni assignments, to the point where I wouldn’t even hand some in, but somehow always did well in group assessments. This was how that conversation went:
'So you struggle in lone assignments?'
'Yes.'
'But not in group assignments?'
'Yes, I don’t want to let my teammates down.'
'But it’s okay if you let yourself down.'
She said that last thing like a fact, not a question, and it really opened my eyes to how low my self-esteem was. I saw nothing wrong with failing myself."

4. Boundaries give you power

"Something that I learned in training to become a therapist: boundaries are for you, not for other people. So that means you don't say 'you can't do that!' you have to say 'if you do that, I will xxxx' (leave, hang up, block, tell someone else - whatever). This stops the nearly impossible attempts at controlling others' behavior and gives you all the power."

"I was once told, 'It is your responsibility to communicate your boundaries and to enforce them. It is not your responsibility for how other people react to them.'"

5. Everyone is thinking about themselves

"'People are self-involved and don't really care that much about what you do.' This is in response to me feeling like I will be judged by others for every thing I do and every decision I make. I later read a quote, "you are the extra is everyone else's life." If I make mundane mistakes or don't do something perfectly, people likely won't really notice or if they don't they probably won't think about it for very long."

6. Your feelings are valid

"Mine said, 'You're allowed to feel what you feel without justifying it to anyone, including yourself.' It hit me like a ton of bricks."

7. Stop making excuses for your parents

"'Your parents failed you. You don't have to keep giving them grace for the things they did to you.'" I always made excuses for my parents and how they treated me, both growing up and as an adult. It turns out that my therapist at the time saw straight through that. It changed my perspective on my relationship with them completely."

"Your parents know how to push your buttons because they’re the ones who installed them."

8. Compromise is mutual

“Compromise means meeting in the middle. If the other person doesn’t do their half of the work, stop doing that work for them.”

9. Negative thoughts

"To approach my negative thoughts in a neutral way. Whenever they popped up, to just be like 'okay, that's nice' and neither try and escape the thoughts nor dwell on them. Just acknowledge they exist and then move on. It surprisingly helped me so much. My therapist used a lot of visual analogies- my favorite ones were negative thoughts being like clouds that just pass by for a moment in the sky and myself being a detached, neutral observer."

10. Now or not now

"Less serious than some other answers, but while talking to my therapist about ADHD task avoidance, he said, 'It's either now, or not now,' insinuating that if it's not now, it will keep being 'not now,' until it is 'now.' That helped me a lot with getting tasks done as I think of them rather than putting it off until I feel like doing it."

"Don’t put it down, put it away. Helped me to be less cluttered/ stop losing so many things."

11. Like a child

"That you can look at yourself like your child, you wouldn't hold grudges against them and would always support them even if they fail or do something bad."

12. Fake it 'til you make it

"Isn't pretending to be a good person kinda the same as being a good person?"

"That is legitimately how I rationalized that feeling for myself. I'm doing everyone a favor and choosing to be nice when I could be mean. That means I'm nice."

13. Mind your mind

“'Just because a thought pops into your head doesn’t make it true.' I didn’t realize how often I let negative self-talk control my actor mood until they pointed this out. Learning to question my thoughts instead of accepting them at face value was a huge mindset shift."

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Psychologists set the record straight on what gaslighting is (and what it's not)

"People often tell me that someone gaslighted them when in fact, what they are describing is mere disagreement."

Photo by Timur Weber: Pexels

Arguments and disagreements do not automatically equal gaslighting.

Unless we were in therapy to deal with an emotionally abusive relationship, most of us weren't familiar with the term "gaslighting" until the past decade. Now, it's everywhere, and there always seems to be someone talking to people and gaslighting them. In fact, it's used so much that in 2022, it was named a word of the year by the dictionary giant Merriam-Webster.

"Gaslighting" has become a common part of our vocabulary—unfortunately, it also comes with some common misunderstandings.

Merriam-Webster currently defines gaslighting as “the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage,” but that definition merely reflects how the clinical term has been broadened and oversimplified. As psychologists explain, specific factors make a behavior gaslighting instead of disagreeing, correcting, or trying to persuade someone that they're right.

Where the term "gaslighting" comes from

The word "gaslighting" is derived from a 1938 play called "Gas Light," which was subsequently adapted as the film "Gaslight" in 1944. In that story, a young woman's new husband—who had, unbeknownst to her, murdered her aunt 10 years prior—tries to make her think she's losing her mind. He manipulates her environment (for instance, by repeatedly dimming the gas lights) but denies that anything odd is happening, making her question her reality. His deception was deliberate—he hoped to drive her mad so he could institutionalize her and steal a cache of jewels that were hidden in her aunt's house.

That storyline, the husband's tactics and the reason for them provide helpful context for what gaslighting is and isn't.

What is "gaslighting"?

Psychology Today defines gaslighting as "an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, their perception, and even their sanity. Over time, a gaslighter’s manipulations can grow more complex and potent, making it increasingly difficult for the victim to see the truth."

Robin Stern, Ph.D., wrote the 2007 book "The Gaslight Effect," which helped popularize the term that she says is now losing its meaning. "People often tell me that someone gaslighted them when, in fact, what they are describing is mere disagreement," she writes in Psychology Today.

Here's how she describes it:

"Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse where one person’s psychological manipulation causes another person to question their reality. Gaslighting can happen between two people in any relationship. A gaslighter preserves his or her sense of self and power over the gaslightee, who adopts the gaslighter’s version of reality over their own."

Ahona Guha D.Psych offers a definition that includes some key factors:

"Gaslighting is a pattern of behaviour, usually intentional, designed to make someone question their own reality, memories, or experiences. The lesson is simple: When identifying gaslighting, look for a pattern (i.e., one time is not enough), and for behaviour that seems intentional or malicious (think 'No, you are over-reacting because you are too sensitive, it didn’t happen that way')."

When is it not really gaslighting?

If we define gaslighting as simply misleading or confusing someone, it becomes easy to mislabel all kinds of normal, imperfect human interactions as such. Disagreements, remembering events differently, and even trying to convince someone of your viewpoint are not gaslighting unless they involve some specific elements.

"It’s important to remember that gaslighting is not present every time there is a conflict, and someone feels strongly about their point of view and rejects another’s," explains Stern. "Conflicts can veer into gaslighting if one person is so insistent that the other person starts to doubt themselves. A power imbalance in the relationship usually allows the gaslighter to undermine the gaslightee’s sense of self. The need to control, the act of manipulating, and the leveraging of power are essential components of gaslighting—not hurt feelings or challenged viewpoints."

"Often, the gaslighter is unyielding and verbally aggressive," Stern adds. "The gaslighter likely turns a back-and-forth discussion into blaming the other person and may even lie outright about what took place. They may use statements such as, 'Are you crazy? I never said that—must be early memory loss,' and 'OMG—fantasy land as usual. Can’t you remember anything?!'"

Guha emphasizes that gaslighting is not a one-off behavior but a pattern. "Most people will say things that might be insensitive, exasperated, or callous on occasion. It would not count as gaslighting unless there was a repeated pattern over time — a pattern based on a desire to deny recognition of the other’s experience."

Why does it matter if we call something gaslighting when it's not?

“Gaslighting is often used in an accusatory way when somebody may just be insistent on something, or somebody may be trying to influence you," Dr. Stern told Well + Good. "That’s not what gaslighting is.” She shared that accusing someone of gaslighting when they are really just insistent on a strongly held opinion, or belief shuts down a conversation in an unhealthy way.

Stern and her colleague Marc Brackett at the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence wrote in the Washington Post, "Today, many people use 'gaslighting' when someone merely disagrees with them. Well-meaning partners, co-workers, or family members may not be skilled in resolving conflict in a relationship, but that doesn’t mean they’re gaslighting — or being gaslighted. Mislabeling and name-calling can break down communication. It can also lead you to think you’re in an emotionally abusive relationship when you’re not."

Gaslighting is "an extreme form of emotional abuse," according to the National Domestic Violence Hotline, so if you wonder if you may be the victim of a gaslighter, get advice from a professional therapist who has the knowledge and experience to help.

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19 simple therapist insights that instantly transformed people's lives

One piece of advice can change everything.

via SHVETS production/Pexels

A therapist shares some advice with her clients.

A good therapist has the magical ability to take our messiest problems and break them down in a way that makes sense. They have an incredible way of showing us our struggles from a fresh perspective and quite often, the answers were right in front of our faces the whole time. We just needed their help to nudge us in the right direction.

For some, a therapist's simple, sage wisdom can change their lives with just one poignant realization.

Recently, a Redditor named BuildingBridges23 asked people on the subforum to share the priceless bits of wisdom that changed their lives and over 5,300 people responded. The pithy but powerful observations they shared were helpful to many people and more than one called the thread “free therapy.”

Here are 19 of the best responses to the question: “What's something your therapist said that was life-changing?”

1. You can't fix sick

"You're going to put yourself in an early grave trying to make your mother happy. Your mother is sick, trying to make her happy is like trying to fill a bucket that has no bottom, its not going to happen unless she fixes the bucket. You can't fix it for her." — ModerateDude9

2. Other people's feelings

"I asked him, 'How do you process all of the negative feelings that are projected at you?' and he said "They aren't my feelings.'" — Wirestyle22

3. Coping with death

"'The way your parents died will never be the most interesting thing about you. It's not even the most interesting thing about THEM.' My parents died by suicide together and I was worried that it was going to consume me as an individual. I didnt want their deaths or my grief to become my entire identity." — Crazyofo

4. Being brave

"When I broke down because I was so fed up with being scared and anxious all the time, he said something like. 'You can’t be brave without being scared first.' It always stuck with me that fear, no matter how overwhelming, won’t last forever and I try to see it as a chance for me to prove to myself I can fight back and try to get through this." — AnxiousAxolotyl88

5. Change

"Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the pain of change." ؅— SpicyEmmaa

6. Dealing with mental illness

"Just because the mentally ill person screaming at you lives in your home instead of on the streets doesn't mean their opinion is any more true." — UnorignalUse

7. People are like colanders

"Some people are like a colander. It doesn't matter how much time, love and support you pour into them, it will never fill them up enough to make a difference." — Competitive-Watch188

8. Boundaries

"The only people in your life who will be angry because you established boundaries were the people who benefitted from you not having them in the first place." — Imagine_magic

9. Other people's anxiety

"'Be the mirror, not the sponge.' Don’t absorb other people’s stress and anxiety, show it back to them gently. Changed my life." — CariocaInLA

10. Sensitive people

"That being a 'highly sensitive person' is just how I’m built. It’s not something that’s wrong with me or something that I necessarily have to change. I just have to accept it, to learn my boundaries and needs and live accordingly." — stuttering-mime-ta2

11. For people-pleasers

"'You don’t need to please everyone all of the time. People who love you will not leave you because you disagree with them or do something they don’t like.' She nailed a lot of my behaviours back to the fact my biological dad left when I was 9 months old. I cannot cope with perceived abandonment, and will do everything in my power to keep people happy… because they might leave me." — RhiR2020

12. It's not about you

"'You aren’t that interesting.' I would have panic attacks and paranoia that people were out to get me (PTSD, etc) and would think that people were judging me in grocery stores because my toddler was crying or that my hair was messy. And honestly it boiled down to…nobody cares. We’re all trying to survive and get through the day and what someone looks like or does, we observe and move on." — jac_kayyy

13. Judgement

"We judge ourselves by our intentions, but we judge others by their actions." — Horny_Rapunzel

14. It's simple

"'The answer is simple. That doesn't mean it's easy, but it's simple.' I was doing what I always do in difficult, scary situations that I don't want to deal with head-on; I was overthinking and over-complicating what I needed to do to be happy again. The answer was actually quite simple: I needed to tell my (now ex-husband) that I wanted a divorce." — RovenshereExpress

15. Realize your unhappiness

"At the third session with our couples counselor, my wife and I had a brief ten-minute private session with our therapist. During my session, the therapist said, 'You need to accept the possibility of a divorce. You are trying to do the right thing and be supportive, but you can't do that alone. Your wife is taking advantage of you. You can't see how unhappy you are. That will change within a year after your divorce.' Yup. She was right. My wife and I agreed to divorce during the 4th session. I am finally happy, and love my life." — BlueCollarBeagle

16. Hurt

"Just because you were hurt when you were younger, doesn't mean randoms have the right to hurt you now." — Paeliens

17. See-saw relationship

"A relationship is like a see-saw. If the other person doesn't want to participate, you can keep going, but you'll get really tired." — SendInYourSkeleton

18. Panic

"Not my therapist, but a friend told me hers said this: 'You do not have enough information to panic about that yet.' Whenever I catch myself spiraling about the unknown, I try to remember that." — Bananaphone1549

19. Heart attacks

"It wasn’t my therapist, it was my doctor, but it was life-changing. I had been 300+ pounds all of my adult life and I was in for a physical and he said to me: 'You know, the first symptom of a heart attack is a heart attack.' It was what caused me to change my life at age 54 and lose 110 pounds in 16 months and I became a runner. I have run a race in all 50 states, 26 Halifax marathons and 2 full marathons, Chicago and Boston. That one thing he said to me kicked off my decision for better health! That was 15 years ago." — BlueJasper27

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We reached out to experts to see what advice they'd have for parents who think their kids might be struggling with stress or anxiety. Here is what they had to say.

Picture from Burst

Heading back to school can be stressful.

School can be a ton of fun, but for many kids, it can also be a pretty big source of stress and anxiety as well.

A little stress now and then is an unfortunate fact of life, but it seems like kids are more stressed than ever these days. Overwhelming, toxic stress can actually affect how a child's brain grows and develops and can increase the risk for mental health issues later in life.

"The good news is the brain is malleable," said Bruce Compas, a psychologist at Vanderbilt University who completed a major review of childhood coping strategies. Good coping skills can be taught and, once learned, can benefit a child for the rest of their lives, Compas said in a press release.

We reached out to experts to see what advice they'd have for parents who think their kids might be struggling with stress or anxiety. Here is what they had to say:

1. Be specific about what you've noticed about your child's stress level.

When a parent notices their kid is stressed or anxious, it can be tempting to jump to conclusions or get caught up in wondering "what if." "Don't go down the rabbit hole," says Debra Kissen, clinical psychologist and director at Light on Anxiety Treatment Center of Chicago.

Instead, parents should focus on the specific behaviors they've noticed. If your kid suddenly doesn't want to go to parties, for example, approach any potential conversation on that level, then build solutions around the one stressor.

2. Don't just reassure: problem-solve.

"It'll be OK" might seem like three magic words, but kindly reassurances aren't the same permanent fixes, says Jill Emanuele, senior director of the Mood Disorders Center at the Child Mind Institute. Instead, parents should talk with their kid and try to come up with a solution to whatever's bothering them.

"Help your child to acknowledge the specific worries with a statement like, 'I hear that you are worried about this. How can I help?'" Emanuele says.

Multiple experts, including Compas, echoed this sentiment. In general, it's better for kids to adapt or confront problems rather than avoid or repress their feelings.

3. Plan and practice!

"My one piece of advice: practice!" said Dawn Huebner, a psychologist who's written multiple books for kids and adults, including "Outsmarting Worry."

Don't avoid awkward conversations, says Huebner, and once you've come up with a potential solution, try it out. For example, if your kid is nervous about a new school, you could see if school administrators will let you take a tour before the school year begins. Then follow up in a few days to see how the plan worked.

4. Repeat the serenity prayer.

"Change the things you can, accept the things you can't, and have the wisdom to know the difference between them," Compas says.

There's a lot of good thinking in that old prayer. Not every problem or stressor is going to have an easy solution, and it can get frustrating to continually beat your head on a brick wall. Sometimes the change will need to come from within, whether that's adapting expectations or trying out a different outlook.

5. Don't ignore the bright side.

Tackling the problem and facing your fears is a good idea, but looking at positives can help too, says Amy Przeworski, an associate professor at Case Western Reserve University. School can mean new friends and new adventures. A little encouragement doesn't hurt, either.

"To remind my daughter of just how strong and brave she is, I often put a note in her lunch bag on the first few days of school to tell her that I love her, that I'm proud of her and that I can't wait to hear the amazing things that she has done at school," she says.

6. Try to stay calm and collected yourself.

Kids, especially little ones, can key in on what a parent is feeling. If you yourself are nervous or stressed, your anxiety might rub off on the child.

"What we know is that when my attachment figure, my mommy, my daddy, my grandma who raises me is calm, I feel safer and more sound and ready to learn," says Laura Martin, a mental health specialist at the Verner Center for Early Learning.

7. Remember that you're not alone.

It can feel overwhelming to see your kid struggling, but remember that you don't have to do this alone. There are many resources out there on sites like the Anxiety and Depression Association of America to help parents talk to their kids or find help. Mental health professionals can help too.

8. Finally, don't forget about happiness.

Mark Holder is a researcher at the University of British Columbia. He doesn't study stress or anxiety — his focus is happiness. He says this:

"My advice for children’s well-being, if I am only allowed one piece, is to support your children in nurturing their quality friendships," Holder says. "Whether this is encouraging visits with friends, joining a sports team or hiking club, or volunteering with others, activities that foster meaningful friendships are critical to children’s well-being."

This article originally appeared on 07.28.17

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