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A new study found that both men and women say women exaggerate how much pain they experience

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A female friend once told her husband that her doctors had dismissed her when she described how much pain she was in. Her husband gave the docs the benefit of the doubt, saying that pain was subjective and maybe she just needed to describe it differently. Then he went to a doctor's appointment with her, saw the phenomenon himself, and apologized. She was right. She'd explained exactly what she was experiencing—the doctors just didn't believe that her pain was as bad as she was describing.

Gender bias in pain assessment and treatment in clinical settings is well-documented, but a new study has found that it's not just health professionals who tend to think women exaggerate pain levels. In a paper published this month in the Journal of Pain, an international group of researchers from the U.S., France, and China shared that among a sample of average adults, both men and women show a "reasonably strong gender bias" in their interpretations of patients' pain. The main takeaway is that people tend to believe that women aren't in as much pain as they really are.

The study involved two experiments, the first with 50 participants and the second with 197, in which people watched videos of both male and female patients experiencing shoulder pain. Participants were asked to observe the patients' expressions of pain and rate their pain level on a scale of zero (absolutely no pain) to 100 (the worst pain possible).

In both experiments, participants perceived female patients to be in less pain than the males, even when they were experiencing the same intensity level of pain. And across the sample, women were just as likely to underestimate women's pain as men were.

Participants were also asked how they would prescribe treatment for the patients' pain if they were doctors. Though the numbers weren't drastically different, women were more likely than men to be prescribed psychotherapy (42% for women, 38% for men), while men were more likely than women to be prescribed pain medication (58% for women, 62% for men).

Why such discrepancies? The study authors think on reason is gender expectations and stereotypes.

"Generally, boys are discouraged from expressing emotions, whereas girls are permitted to express them," the study authors told The Academic Times. "As a result, men may be more reluctant to express pain and other vulnerabilities than women. Thus, masculine gender norms are associated with high pain tolerance and stoicism whereas feminine gender norms are more permissive of expressing pain."

In other words, since people perceive men to hide their emotions more, the assumption is that they are actually in more pain than they're letting on. Since women show their emotions more, the assumption is that their pain may not be as bad as they're expressing.

Researchers also included a Gender Role Expectation of Pain Questionnaire in their second experiment, which found that women tend to believe that women are able to endure pain longer than men, and both genders believe that women are substantially more willing to report pain than men. According to the authors, those pain-related stereotypes predicted the pain estimated biases shown in the experiment.

Paradoxically, women may be perceived as exaggerating their pain precisely because they are more open and honest about it.

"Women are consistently found to report higher levels of pain than men and to be more expressive of pain than men," the authors said. "Perceivers may in turn get habituated to more frequent or more intense pain expressions in females and as a result reduce the pain they attribute to those expressions."

Such gender biases in pain estimation matter, as they can interfere with effective clinical care when coming from physicians and impact social support when coming from the people around us. Similar pain perception biases also happen along racial lines, so women of color face an even steeper climb to have their pain recognized and treated effectively.

Though biases are subconscious and can be tricky to weed out, a simple solution here is a shift in mindset to believing women when they describe what's happening in their own bodies. Pain is subjective, which should be all the more reason not to make your own judgments about what someone else is experiencing. If a woman says her pain level is a 7 out of 10, that's what she means. She knows her body. It's okay to take her at her word.

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Women experience pain more intensely than men, study finds

Photo by Aiony Haust on Unsplash

A recent study conducted by the University of Florida's Pain Research and Intervention Center of Excellence suggests that we should rethink how women experience pain. Unfortunately, it holds up some other harmful beliefs as well.

In the study, researchers gave men and women the same intensity of pain and asked them to rate the sensation on a scale of one to ten. "On average, women report the same stimuli to be more painful than men," researcher Roger Fillingim told NPR.

The study indicates that men and women might require different treatments for pain, possibly in the form of gendered pain medications."[W]e need to understand what the mechanisms are that are female-specific or male-specific so that we can design more personalized therapies that are going to help reduce pain for women and men in the long run," Fillingim said.

Other studies have backed up Fillingim's findings. A study published in Brain "suggests presence of sex-specific differences and reveals gene modules and signaling pathways in immune response and neuronal plasticity related to radicular/neuropathic pain."

RELATED: What I've learned as a 26-year-old living with chronic pain

Women have historically been left out of pain medication studies. In 2005, Jeffrey Mogil, a professor of pain studies at McGill University, reported that 79 percent of pain studies were conducted using only male animals, and only 4 percent of those studies looked for differences between the sexes. The National Institute of Heath has only been requiring their animal research to involve both male and female animals since 2016.

While the study conducted at the University of Florida asks us to rethink what we know about the way women feel pain, it fails to take into account what actually happens when a woman reports pain. Ample studies have found that women are less likely to be taken seriously when reporting pain, even if they're experiencing the same amount as men.

A study conducted by the University of Pennsylvania found that women admitted to the emergency room were less likely to receive treatment for pain, and had to wait 16 minutes longer to receive pain treatment than men, despite having the same pain score.

The National Pain Report conducted an online survey of 2,4000 women with chronic pain. Over 90 percent of respondents said they felt the healthcare system discriminates against women. "There seems to be an 'Oh she's so neurotic' attitude towards female chronic pain patients," said one respondent.

RELATED: You can get rid of a headache in 5 minutes without having to take pills. Here's how.

It's great that researchers are starting to look at the needs of women in a different light, however the study conducted at the University of Florida puts its toe in the water of reinforcing the belief that women are "exaggerating" or "overreacting" to the amount of pain that they are experiencing.

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She's 71 and has literally never felt pain. Her strange condition could help revolutionize pain management.

Jo Cameron has been pain-free all her life — something many might dub a superpower of sorts.

While other women struggle with the pain that comes along with childbirth, when Cameron gave birth to her two children, she felt only “a tickle.” Later on in life, she didn’t realize she needed to have her hip replaced until she physically couldn’t walk. She also couldn’t tell she had been burned until others smelled burning flesh, and failed to notice cuts until someone else pointed out blood. Spicy foods — such as Scotch bonnet chili peppers — didn’t set her mouth on fire and instead left her with a “pleasant glow.”

Her body also heals more quickly than most, with her injuries rarely resulting in scars.

[rebelmouse-image 19534995 dam="1" original_size="640x426" caption="Image by Hans/Pixabay." expand=1]Image by Hans/Pixabay.

While all this sounds pretty incredible, Cameron didn’t think much of it until around five years ago, after she underwent surgery on her hand. She told her doctor, Dr. Devjit Srivastava, that she wouldn’t need any pain medication during recovery. Obviously, this was an unusual patient request, but after delving into her medical history, he quickly realized she was a special case.

So he sent her to see a team of doctors and researchers focused on how genetics can be used to understand the biology of pain and touch at the University College London’s Molecular Nociception Group. Eventually they wrote a paper, which was published on Thursday in The British Journal of Anaesthesia, on the curious case of Cameron, whose pain-free existence seemed unexplainable.

Jo Cameron, who lives near Loch Ness in the Highlands, also experiences very little anxiety or fear and may have en… https://t.co/f5rvT6ZLec
— HeraldScotland (@HeraldScotland) 1553768760.0

Though these specialists had worked with several individuals who process pain differently, Cameron’s genetic profile was unique for an individual who couldn’t feel pain.

Eventually they discovered her uniqueness could be explained by the fact that she is missing the front of a gene they have dubbed FAAH-OUT — a gene all us have — but they claim she is the only individual they know about who has this specific genetic mutation.

[rebelmouse-image 19534996 dam="1" original_size="640x360" caption="Image by Public Domain/Pixabay." expand=1]Image by Public Domain/Pixabay.

“We’ve never come across a patient like this,” John Wood, the head of the Molecular Nociception Group at University College London, revealed to the New York Times.

According to researchers, this mutated gene does more than prevents Cameron from feeling pain. She also can’t feel fear or anxiety, which doctors think have something to do with the gene mutation making her more forgetful.

"It's called the happy gene or forgetful gene. I have been annoying people by being happy and forgetful all my life - I've got an excuse now," she told the BBC.

Jo Cameron believes she inherited the mutation from her late father, who she remembers suffered from little pain as well.

“I can’t remember him needing any painkillers,” she told the New York Times. “I think that’s why I didn’t find it odd.” Since he is no longer living, there is no way to know if he was a carrier. While her daughter and mother do not have the mutation, according to her doctors, her son “has the same microdeletion in FAAH-OUT, but does not have the other mutation that confers reduced FAAH function.” So he’s insensitive to some pain, but not all.

Could Cameron’s extraordinary gene help others manage their pain and anxiety better? Doctors are hopeful, but the road ahead is long.

Researchers hope that further studies will help them design gene therapy, pain intervention methods or anxiety medications, though expect it will take many years and a lot of money before a product will emerge.

“I’m reasonably confident that the lessons we are learning from the genes involved in pain will lead to the development of an entirely new class of pain medications,” Dr. Stephen G. Waxman, a Yale neurologist who was not involved with the paper but has studied the subject matter, told the New York Times.

[rebelmouse-image 19534997 dam="1" original_size="640x426" caption="Image by Steve Buissinne/Pixabay" expand=1]Image by Steve Buissinne/Pixabay

Considering that painkillers on the market today — especially opioids like oxycodone (OxyContin®), hydrocodone (Vicodin®), codeine and morphine — are incredibly addictive and responsible for tens of thousands of drug overdoses every year, finding a responsible pain cure could save so many lives. And if there are more people like Cameron out there, the likelihood of this mutation resulting in a novel pain treatment system is even higher.

There are lots of unknowns, but scientists have come a long way in their research with genetics in recent years. It will be exciting to see the impact an unusual case like Cameron’s has on medicine in the years to come.

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Left-handedness partly determined by genetics, study finds - Upworthy ›

Jada Pinkett Smith revealed her biggest loss. Many women can relate.

Let's face it: We all face pain at some point in our lives.

[rebelmouse-image 19398114 dam="1" original_size="735x411" caption="Jada Pinkett Smith on Red Table Talk. Image via Red Table Talk/Facebook." expand=1]Jada Pinkett Smith on Red Table Talk. Image via Red Table Talk/Facebook.

Sometimes minuscule, sometimes excruciating, and sometimes all-encompassing, pain can throw us off course and redirect us to journeys we never expected. But according to a roundtable discussion on Red Table Talk with some pretty incredible women, that's exactly how it should be.

Actress Jada Pinkett Smith, her daughter, Willow Smith, and her mother, Adrienne Banfield-Jones, discussed their experiences with pain and loss. And it was downright inspiring.

[rebelmouse-image 19398115 dam="1" original_size="735x404" caption="Image via Red Table Talk/Facebook." expand=1]Image via Red Table Talk/Facebook.

The women got incredibly real, from discussions about grieving significant others to dealing with the death of a family member to using pain as a source of empowerment instead of a stopping point for chasing the inevitable joys of life.

Here are three gems from the incredibly moving discussion:

1. Loss isn't always about losing something or someone else.

As an actress, producer, mother, and wife, Pinkett Smith's life gets pretty darn busy. She's grateful for the depth of her career and the wonderful opportunities she's had, but she is still human and still feels challenges, pain, and loss.

Pinkett Smith revealed that her greatest loss was the one person she needed most: herself.

She talked about the expectations placed on women — regardless of race, class, or career — and how those expectations can drain them. She went on to express her frustration and the somewhat oblivious questions she would receive that were supposed to define how well she was doing in life.

"'Are your kids smiling? OK. Is your husband thriving? Good. Everybody else around you thriving? Then you're doing a good job, Jada!'" But alas, Pinkett Smith wasn't feeling that way. "One day I woke up, and I was withered," she said.

People owe it to themselves to give to themselves fully. If not, it's totally possible to lose yourself in the midst of all the directions you're pulled. Pinkett Smith's revelation is an all-too-real reminder of the importance of self-care.

Photo by Dia Dipasupil/Getty Images.

2. Honest conversations across generations can help everyone.

Willow Smith discussed a dark period in her life that led to cutting, a form of self-harm. The other women were shocked to learn of this, and her grandmother remarked that things weren't like this for young girls back in her day. But Smith and her mom quickly rebuffed that claim. "It was definitely happening. It just wasn't coming to light," they said.

Just because you can't see people going through pain doesn't mean it didn't exist.

[rebelmouse-image 19398117 dam="1" original_size="735x413" caption="Image via Red Table Talk/Facebook." expand=1]Image via Red Table Talk/Facebook.

The conversation shows just how important talking among generations is. While times change, pain and self-harm practices are ageless facts of life. Having open, honest conversations across ages can illuminate some of these challenges and help people heal and learn from one another.

3. Pain can be an opportunity for growth, renewed joy, and necessary change.

Pinkett Smith spoke candidly about the death of her dear friend and former boyfriend, rap icon Tupac Shakur. He was murdered at just 25 years old, and with his death, Pinkett Smith had lost someone she'd expected to be in her life forever. "When I think about it, I still get really mad," Pinkett Smith said. "I get mad at God. I get mad at [Tupac]. I get mad at everybody."

In spite of the natural ebb and flow of healing from a loss of that magnitude, Pinkett Smith recognized that loss was a part of her path and that having someone in her life she felt that close to was an incredible experience in itself. "Amazingly enough, that loss actually brought me joy," Pinkett Smith said.

Tragic experiences happen, and the effects they have can largely depend on your reaction to them.

Photo by Rochelle Brodin/Getty Images for Haute Living.

"I do believe that's part of why pain exists. ... That's part of why loss exists," Pinkett Smith said. "If we didn't experience pain, would we really grow? Would we really appreciate joy? Pain is a motivating factor to make a change in your life." This isn't to say you shouldn't acknowledge and feel your pain, but you deserve a good and full life.

The candid conversation among these amazing women gives a lot to think about. The key takeaway is that life's challenges shouldn't impede joy. People can use the lessons from pain and heartache to take life by the reins.

Watch the full Red Table Talk below:

Heroes

Scientists may have found a painkiller that you can't overdose on.

A new candidate drug could help manage pain without harmful side effects.

A few years ago, I got my wisdom teeth out. Ironically, one of the worst parts of the experience was the painkillers.

Photo by Be.Futureproof/Flickr.

I was prescribed oxycodone, an opioid painkiller, after the procedure. And though it helped with the recovery, I felt like taking those pills was a bigger deal than, you know, having part of my body surgically removed.

I disliked taking them because I ended up with killer nausea (I actually had to get another prescription to deal with that), but I also knew (and had a stern warning from the pharmacist) that opioids can sometimes be dangerous.

Don't get me wrong, I'm really glad we have opioid painkillers.

Opioids are a class of drugs named after the opium poppy. They include medicines like oxycodone and morphine as well as medicines-turned-illicit drugs like heroin. They're an indispensable part of modern medicine. Few other drugs approach their ability to reduce pain.

But there are big drawbacks to using them.

They can be incredibly addictive. In fact, the U.S. currently has an epidemic of people addicted to either prescription or illicit opioids.

They also come with some serious side effects, including halting your respiration. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention estimates than more than 70 people a day die from an opioid overdose.

Overdose kits can save lives but only if they get there in time. Photo by John Moore/Getty Images.

So that begs the question: What if we could make an opioid without all those drawbacks?

Scientists might have just created an overdose-proof opioid. Oh, and early tests hint that it might not be addictive, either.

A new study published online Aug. 17, 2016, in Nature explained that a team of scientists just developed a candidate drug that kills pain without interfering with our ability to breathe.

They also think the drug might circumvent the brain's addiction circuit, although they need to do more work to see if this holds up.

One of the coolest things about this is how they created the drug.

Instead of tweaking an existing medicine, they started from scratch.

Opioids work by locking on to molecules in our cells known as receptors, especially one called the mu opioid receptor. For a long time this was a black box, but we recently figured out the mu opioid receptor's atomic structure.

It might look like a tie-die Rorschach test, but to a scientist, this could be a treasure map. Image from Protein Data Bank/Wikimedia Commons.

Why is this a big deal? It's like the difference between trying random keys in a door and being given the lock's specific blueprint. So rather than having to try chemicals one by one, the scientists were able to create a custom design on a computer. Over a few weeks, they ran four trillion virtual experiments, looking for the perfect key — one that'd hit only the mu opioid receptor while avoiding the ones that influenced breathing.

After a while, they ended up with about two dozen candidates, which they then synthesized and tested in mice. Those experiments led to the new drug.

There's a long, long way to go with this new drug. But if this works, it could help a lot of people someday.

Kim Sullivan's son died of an opioid overdose. She's since become a public health education advocate. Photo by John Moore/Getty Images.

"Morphine transformed medicine," said one of the scientists, professor Brian Shoichet, in a press release. "There are so many medical procedures we can do now because we know we can control the pain afterwards. But it's obviously dangerous too. People have been searching for a safer replacement for standard opioids for decades."

It's premature to say whether this drug'll hit the shelves. But who knows — one day someone might be able to walk into a pharmacy after getting their wisdom teeth out, secure in the knowledge that their painkiller is not only effective but safer than ever before.

Family

What I've learned as a 26-year-old living with chronic pain

A few months ago, my feet began to hurt.

At first, I thought that it was just from standing a lot for work, but then it continued to get worse. The day the pain spread to my hands, I knew something was wrong.

But it was when it spread to the rest of my body — my shoulders, elbows, knees, and ankles — that I panicked. What was happening to me? All of a sudden everything hurt, all the time: sitting, standing, walking. At first, lying down was my only relief. But then the pain got so bad every joint would throb, no matter how comfortable I was.

Within two months, I went from being a personal trainer, strong and fit with a passion for hanging upside down and balancing on my hands to not being able to dress myself, cut my own food, or tie my shoelaces.

Me playing around pre-arthritis. All photos provided by Ashley Hunt, used with permission.

Rheumatoid arthritis is an autoimmune disease that causes inflammation and swelling in the joints. It's extremely painful. Around 10 million people in the U.K. have arthritis, 700,000 of which have RA. It is most common in women aged 45-60.

This is the third autoimmune condition I've been diagnosed with (I also have celiac disease and Berger's disease). That's the unfortunate thing with autoimmune conditions: Once you have one, you are more likely to develop another.

RA is often called the silent illness because people with RA don't look sick.

I'm a generally positive person, but I'll be honest: These last few months have really challenged me.

Every day is a constant struggle as I try to move through life in constant pain. It's a dark and isolating place to be. On top of the physical pain, there is also the fear that my body is changing, that it's completely out of my control, and the realization there are some things I will never be able to do again.

I've been in some dark places. I've felt sorry for myself. I've spent whole days in bed, I've used alcohol to numb the pain. It has been a process to come to terms with these changes taking over my body. But every day, I wake up and fight this battle again, getting stronger each time as I learn to accept the hand I've been dealt.

These are the lessons I have learned from living with chronic pain:

1. There is a time and a place for modern medicine.

While I am a huge advocate for natural health, we are so lucky to live in a modern world with amazing pharmaceuticals. I wish I could tell an inspirational story about how I rejected the drugs and decided to cure myself naturally, but it is so far from the truth. After the pain that I was feeling, when the doctors offered me a chance to have even half of it taken away by a steroid injection, even after listing the plethora of potential side effects, I jumped at it without hesitating for a second. As the kind of person who would never even take meds for a headache, this was a tough pill to swallow. Sometimes your values will be challenged as your circumstances change.

2. It's OK to ask for help.

I have always been stubbornly independent, never wanting to rely on anyone, priding myself on being completely self-sufficient. I'd never even let anyone open a jar for me, but oh, how the mighty have fallen!

I've had no choice but to put all of my pride aside as I begin to require assistance for almost everything. Now I understand the importance of having a strong support network and the gratitude that comes with having around me people I love who would do anything to help me.

3. Self-care isn't an option; it is a necessity.

I used to race through life, with clients morning and evening, full-time PR work during the day, pole dancing, yoga, travel, writing, friends, family... I used to feel that any moment I wasn't productive was wasted. I even used to meditate with the sole purpose of being more productive!

When I was first diagnosed, I got so frustrated with myself for not being able to do as much as I used to do. Now, I have learned to accept my situation, and I understand that I need to look after myself. I put myself first because I have to, and I listen to my body. If I need to spend an afternoon in bed, that's what I do. And it's OK. If I need to turn away a potential new client because I don't have the time or energy, that's fine too. You can't do it all. Make yourself a priority. Turns out, resting is pretty f*cking awesome.

4. Positive thinking is not always the answer.

Instagram mantras like "positive mind, positive life," "I'm in charge of how I feel and today I'm choosing happiness," and "wake up and be awesome," may seem inspirational, but I've learned that life is not so simple.

While I see a huge difference in my pain when I am in a good mood versus when I'm in a bad mood and I'm a big believer in the mind-body connection, it only goes so far. Telling someone like me to "think positive" or telling me that the reason this happened to me is that I poisoned myself with negative thoughts is insulting and so far from the truth.

Sometimes I wake up feeling like crap. I have a crap day. The people around me are being crappy. And that's fine. Then I go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be different. It's a new day.

5. Chronic pain can be extremely isolating.

People with RA are twice as likely as others to develop depression, and up to 4 of every 10 people with RA lose their job within five years due to their condition. 1 in 7 give up work altogether within one year of their diagnosis.

When I explain my illness to people, they nod and offer sympathies, but they don't really get it. The most valuable thing for me since being diagnosed has been to connect with other young sufferers, to know that I am not alone. There is unique solace to be found in someone else who also has issues pouring a cup of tea and who fully understands my fear of being locked in a public bathroom as my hands struggle with locks and handles.

6. It's never too early to start meditating.

Living with chronic pain conditions can take a huge toll on your mental health. For me, years of developing a meditation practice has made a big difference in my ability to handle difficult situations. It has been vital in allowing me to come to terms with my condition as well as staying positive, overcoming anxiety, and making the most out of my situation.

And meditation is not just for people with illnesses; it's an amazing tool for everyone! Stress and anxiety play a huge role in developing and worsening chronic illnesses. Meditation is a way of working on your well-being at the best of times so that when challenges come along, you have tools to help you gain control.

In the end, I've realized that my struggles have made me stronger.

It sounds cliché, but I can't even explain how true this rings for me right now. Even when I'm feeling my worst, I'm constantly realizing what I'm capable of. Every time I conquer yet another day of pain, I remind myself that I can get through this.

And if I can get through this, I can get through anything.

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truth

One woman's story of finding strength during divorce and deceit.

A few weeks after giving birth to my first baby, I was wracked with pain to the point that I could barely move.

Swinging my legs, one after another, out of bed took nearly all my willpower. This pain had nothing to do with the physical stress of childbirth or the stitches still holding my swollen private area together.

This pain came from a place so deep within me that I could not determine where the pain ended and I began. We were intertwined. It was all-consuming.

It felt as if half of my DNA had been ripped out of my body and I was left with a dangling half-strand.

Until that moment, I hadn't realized that my husband had become a part of me. Now, in his absence, I felt an emptiness where he had been. I knew I would never be whole again.

In “Wired to Create: Unraveling the Mysteries of the Creative Mind,” psychologist Scott Barry Kaufman and writer Carolyn Gregoire explore what happens in the aftermath of a traumatic event:

“The more we are shaken, the more we must let go of our former selves and assumptions, and begin again from the ground up. ... Rebuilding can be an incredibly challenging process. ... It can be grueling, excruciating, and exhausting. But it can open the door to a new life.”

I know that door.

I found out my husband was leading a double life almost immediately after I gave birth to my daughter.

There was another girlfriend, and a secret credit card. Then other women started to come forward.

I was suddenly on my own with a newborn baby. I grieved him, and the future I thought we would have together, like a death.

Photo from me, used with permission.

While these have been without a doubt the most difficult months of my life, there was also something incredibly freeing in being ripped to shreds and then rebuilding myself piece by piece.

I told my therapist that everything seemed somehow clearer. “I feel like the human interactions I do have are very genuine now. I used to make kind of superficial small talk a lot, and I don’t do that anymore. I can’t really explain it. I just feel like I see people now.”

She told me that these moments of clarity are made possible precisely because you no longer have room for a lot of the crap you used to spend so much time thinking about. You are stripped clean.

You’ve always possessed this power. Maybe you just never knew how to access it.

Before experiencing trauma, I cared very much what people thought of me, from close family and friends to strangers. I had trouble making decisions because I wanted to please everyone. Even navigating a grocery store could be stressful — all those strangers silently observing and judging me.

Then, for months, I was trapped in my own body, forced to sit in the pain. Let me be clear. When I say “sit in the pain” I mean not running into someone else’s arms, not getting sloshed every night, and not hiding behind work.

Being trapped in my body meant that I couldn’t run from the darkness or try to do whatever it took to feel “good” again.

We humans naturally try to avoid feelings of discomfort — especially today, when instant gratification is just a click away on social media or a swipe away on an online dating app, when endorphins can be produced and manipulated simply by picking up an iPhone. People are even less likely to be still. To just feel.

But as I sat in my pain, I slowly started to trust my own intuition. I became grounded in a very clear sense of self.

When you begin to truly trust and like yourself, you tap into an immense amount of power.

Photo by me, used with permission.

You’ve always possessed this power. Maybe you just never knew how to access it. You find a power within yourself that’s like an anchor, freeing you from a lot of life’s insecurities that seemed so important before.

Dr. Sharon Dekel says, “Post-traumatic growth can be defined as a workable coping mechanism, a way of making and finding meaning involved in the building of a more positive self-image and the perception of personal strength."

The other side of pain is not comfort, or health, or well-being. It is truth.

When this truth comes pouring in, you begin to see all the grimy layers of protection lift away, and you discover that your journey has just begun. You begin to let the light in and, what’s more, you begin to seek out the light.

One morning I woke up and had a sudden realization. The thought entered my mind like a lightning bolt:

“You were always whole to begin with.”

So as much as I sometimes want to scream and rage at my ex-husband, I also want to thank him. I want to thank him for forcing me to become the person I was always meant to be, for showing me that I am a fighter and that I will never give up.

But most importantly, I thank him for allowing me to become this person before my daughter ever knew anyone else.

You can read more about Jen's journey in her memoir "A Beautiful, Terrible Thing: A Memoir of Marriage and Betrayal."

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