upworthy

harvard

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a 2017 Harvard study revealed a simple three-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then two follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

party, gathering, small talk, connection, conversation, shy peopleTwo people chatting at a small gathering. Image via Canva

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up two times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

“Think to yourself, 'I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation,' or 'I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions.' It’s easy to do, and—even better—requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves, but because It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers note.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

shy, anxious, small talk, conversations, likeableA woman hides her face.Image via Canva

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The three-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

How much should I talk in a conversation?

conversation, group conversation, party, event, gathering, shy peopleA group of women look bored at a party.Image via Canva

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask two follow-ups.

Need even more Harvard-sourced tips for painless conversations? Listen to what the Harvard Business Review has to say:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com


This article originally appeared last year.

via Abigail Mack / Instagram and Abigail Mack / TikTok

Abigail Mack, an 18-year-old high school senior from Massachusetts, is over the moon after being admitted to Harvard during the most competitive admission season of all time.

Applications to the university skyrocketed during the pandemic and it was only able to accept 1,968 out of 57,435 first-year applicants, less than 4%.

However, Abigail didn't just overcome long odds during the application process, she was accepted because she was able to thrive as a high school student after losing her mother to cancer. Her experience losing a parent was the topic of her inspiring admissions essay which has touched countless lives.


A TikTok post of her reading a portion of the letter went viral with millions of views.


Her essay begins with a meditation on the letter "S" and how it has affected her life.

"I hate the letter 'S,'" Abigail's essay begins. "Of the 164,777 words with 'S,' I only grapple with one. To condemn an entire letter because of its use .0006 percent of the time sounds statistically absurd, but that one case changed 100 percent of my life. I used to have two parents, but now I have one, and the 'S' in 'parents' isn't going anywhere."

"'S' follows me," she continued. "I can't get through a day without being reminded that while my friends went out to dinner with their parents, I ate with my parent. As I write this essay, there is a blue line under the word 'parent' telling me to check my grammar; even Grammarly assumes that I should have parents, but cancer doesn't listen to edit suggestions."

"I won't claim that my situation is as unique as one in 164,777, but it is still an exception to the rule — an outlier," she continued. "The world isn't meant for this special case."

Abigail then shares that after losing a parent she got involved with as many extracurricular activities as possible to get her mind off of the gut-wrenching loss.

"You can't have dinner with your parent...if you're too busy to have family dinner," she said. "I couldn't fill the loss that 'S' left in my life, but I could at least make sure I didn't have to think about it. There were so many things in my life I couldn't control, so I controlled what I could — my schedule."

But eventually, she decided to go from mourning the loss of one "S" to embracing two by whittling down her activities to three "paSSions": Theater, academics, and politics.

"'S' got me moving, but it hasn't kept me going," Abigail concluded in her essay. "I don't seek out sadness, so 'S' must stay on the sidelines, and until I am completely ready, motivation is more than enough for me."

Abigail's mother opened up a dance studio which is still run by her father, a musician, so theater is a natural extension of her upbringing. She excelled at academics, becoming the valedictorian of her school. Politics is a passion she developed over the summer of 2020.

"When the Black Lives Matter demonstrations were occurring this past summer, I realized how passionately I felt about politics," she told Buzzfeed. "I knew that I could no longer stand idly by and watch as the world made leaps forward without me. I became a fellow on Senator Ed Markey's re-election campaign and also taught volunteers how to phone bank for Joe Biden's campaign. It was extremely gratifying to feel like my voice was being heard."

Abigail is unsure what her major will be at Harvard but she plans to pursue social sciences, the humanities, and possibly French.

She has some great advice for high schoolers coming up behind her to get into their dream schools.

"Your college application is a culmination of everything you've done in high school," she said. "You've already put in the work, so the hardest part is done. Now, you just have to put pen to paper, share what you've accomplished, and, most importantly, illustrate how you plan to make a difference going forward in your own, unique way."

Former members of the Harvard women's soccer team reunited to write a powerful, heartbreaking opinion piece they should never have had to write.

The op-ed was written in response to The Harvard Crimson's recent story about the men's soccer team's "scouting report," a publicly searchable guide written and maintained by the 2012 Harvard men's soccer recruiting class detailing and rating members of the 2012 women's soccer recruiting class.

The document included the women's physical attributes, crude nicknames, and guesses as to their preferred sexual positions. While the disgusting digital tradition appeared to begin in 2012, conversations continued well into this year.


Within days of the newspaper revealing the abhorrent practice, the university cancelled the remainder of the men's season (two games) and any post-season play.

But that's not exactly a "victory" for Harvard women's soccer. Soon, former women's team members were inundated by the press, their comments taken and spun out of context. Their lives were disrupted through no fault of their own. And for current players, the scandal overshadowed what would soon be a championship season.

Tired of outlets misrepresenting them, their team, and their school, the six members of the 2012 women's soccer recruiting class wrote an opinion piece for The Harvard Crimson.

Brooke Dickens, Kelsey Clayman, Alika Keene, Emily Mosbacher, Lauren Varela, and Haley Washburn, now Harvard alumni, came together to tell their side of the story in a piece titled "Stronger Together."  In doing so, their voices carried for the millions of women who don't often get that chance.

"In all, we do not pity ourselves, nor do we ache most because of the personal nature of this attack. More than anything, we are frustrated that this is a reality that all women have faced in the past and will continue to face throughout their lives."

A woman holds a placard during the fifth annual SlutWalk in Hong Kong  to protest against sexual violence, victim-blaming, and rape culture. Photo by Dale De La Rey/AFP/Getty Images.

While the women bravely shared feelings of hopelessness, concern, and frustration, strength and hope were on display too.

Being a target of misogyny of this magnitude would hurt and devastate anyone, but as athletes and young women, they are accustomed to getting back up in the wake of defeat.

"We know what it’s like to get knocked down. To lose a few battles. To sweat, to cry, to bleed. To fight so hard, yet no matter what we do, the game is still out of our hands. And, even still, we keep fighting; for ourselves, yes, but above all for our teammates. This document might have stung any other group of women you chose to target, but not us. We know as teammates that we rise to the occasion, that we are stronger together, and that we will not tolerate anything less than respect for women that we care for more than ourselves."

They're banding together now, not just as athletes or Harvard alumni, but as women.

Incidents like these are not confined to the locker room or college campus: They're everywhere. But women, athletes or otherwise, are stronger when they come together to speak out against sexual mistreatment. All of us, not just women but men too, need to come together to treat everyone with dignity and respect.

"As women of Harvard Soccer and of the world, we want to take this experience as an opportunity to encourage our fellow women to band together in combatting this type of behavior, because we are a team and we are stronger when we are united.

Women march behind a banner for an International Women's Day march in downtown Los Angeles. Photo by Mark Ralston/AFP/Getty Images.

From locker rooms to boardrooms, from the warehouse to the White House, the Harvard women's soccer team is right: We need to come together to stand up to misogyny.

Misogyny is not cute, funny, or harmless. It's cruel. It's devastating. And from micro-aggressions to sexual assault, sexism is creating and perpetuating a culture of rape and violence against women.

To put an end to it, we need men and boys to recognize in no uncertain terms that women's bodies and minds do not belong to them. Whatsoever. Full stop.

Students hold signs  as they shout slogans against a recent rape that took place in New Delhi in 2012. Photo by Narinder Nanu/AFP/Getty Images.

"We are human beings and we should be treated with dignity. We want your help in combatting this. We need your help in preventing this. We cannot change the past, but we are asking you to help us now and in the future."

We need women to continue taking the brave step to get support and/or report their attackers in the wake of emotional, physical, and sexual violence, too. You and your voice are important. Know there are people nearby and around the globe who will stand with you and support you.

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images.

Together, all of us can make a difference for each other and generations to come. And it can start today.