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This 3-step Harvard conversation trick makes shy people more likable

Making small talk easier? Yes, please.

via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a 2017 Harvard study revealed a simple three-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then two follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

party, gathering, small talk, connection, conversation, shy people Two people chatting at a small gathering. Image via Canva

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up two times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

“Think to yourself, 'I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation,' or 'I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions.' It’s easy to do, and—even better—requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves, but because It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers note.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

shy, anxious, small talk, conversations, likeable A woman hides her face.Image via Canva

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The three-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

How much should I talk in a conversation?

conversation, group conversation, party, event, gathering, shy people A group of women look bored at a party.Image via Canva

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask two follow-ups.

Need even more Harvard-sourced tips for painless conversations? Listen to what the Harvard Business Review has to say:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

This article originally appeared last year.

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conversation hacks

Joy

Harvard expert's 5-3-1 rule is the key to a healthy social life

How much time should you spend with your friends?

via Canva/Photos

Some long-time friends on vacation.

In a world where we must keep busy to survive, it can be easy to neglect our social lives. This becomes even harder as we age and our friends have families and more responsibilities. Once you hit your 30s, the friends you saw every few days can quickly become people you only see a few times a year.

Friendships need to be nurtured to keep moving forward. If not, one day, our closest friends will begin to feel like strangers. Sadly, this is a common occurrence, and studies show that as people age, their circle of friends becomes smaller and smaller. This is one of the many factors contributing to what's known as the "loneliness epidemic." Studies show that one in three Americans report feeling lonely regularly, and one in four has no social and emotional support at all.

Further, in a world with Netflix, video games, and social media, it can be easy to be entertained without making plans, leaving the house, or spending time with anyone. But that shortcut could lead to waking up one day with very few people in your life. We know we need to get out there and be social, but what’s the correct amount of time we should spend hanging out?

gym friends, friends, selfies Friends spending time at the gym. via Canva/Photos

Kasley Killam, a Harvard-trained social scientist and author of "The Art and Science of Connection," has made it easy with her simple 5-3-1 rule, a guideline for evaluating social health. "We need to be intentional about connection, just like we are with exercise and eating healthy foods," Killam told Business Insider.

What is the 5-3-1 rule?

(5) Spend time with FIVE different people a week

A 2022 Harvard Business School study found that the more “diverse” the group we socialize with, the happier we will be. That means we shouldn’t just spend time with our close friends and family members but grab a coffee with a friend from the gym or spend some time with an old friend you haven’t seen in years. As the song goes, “Make new friends but keep the old one is silver and the other’s gold.”

(3) Nurture at least THREE close relationships

Focus on nurturing three friendships every day, whether you text them or make plans to see each other. These are the people at the top of your phone list or who would be your emergency contacts.

(1) Have ONE quality hour of social connection a day

Make time every day to socialize with someone, whether by hopping on a phone call with a family member or going on a walk with a neighbor. "That doesn't have to be all at once," Killam said. " It could be 10 minutes here, 10 minutes there." The important rule Killam says is that the interaction has to be “meaningful.”

friends, photos, selfies Friends spending time at the Redondo Beach pier. via Canva/Photos

Socializing is great for our happiness but can also help us live longer. A study of senior citizens found that the more people socialized, the longer they lived. Those who lived the longest took time to socialize with someone once a day.

Living by the 5-3-1 isn’t just for older people who need to get back into socializing. It’s great for younger people because it can strengthen their relationships and their mental health at the same time. You may be busy these days, but at the end of your life, you probably won’t remember that long day you spent at the office or a random Thursday stuck in traffic. But you will remember that walk you took with your friend when you needed someone to talk to or that night you stayed a little late at your bestie's house making vacation plans.

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friendship

Family

Harvard psychologists have been studying what it takes to raise 'good' kids. Here are 6 tips.

Help unlock your child's best self with a few tried-and-true strategies.

Kids playing baseball with a slide into second.

A lot of parents are tired of being told how technology is screwing up their kids. Moms and dads of the digital age are well aware of the growing competition for their children's attention, and they're bombarded at each turn of the page or click of the mouse with both cutting-edge ideas and newfound worries for raising great kids.

But beneath the madness of modernity, the basics of raising a moral child haven't really changed. Parents want their kids to achieve their goals and find happiness, but Harvard researchers believe that doesn't have to come at the expense of kindness and empathy. They say a few tried-and-true strategies remain the best ways to mold your kids into the morally upstanding and goals-oriented humans you want them to be.

Entertaining the toddlers.

Cartoon by Sara Zimmerman/Unearthed Comics.

Here are six practical tips:

1) Hang out with your kids.

parenting advice, healthy habits, teachable moments

Cleaning the hands.

Image by Cade Martin/Public Domain Images.

This is, like, the foundation of it all. Spend regular time with your kids, ask them open-ended questions about themselves, about the world and how they see it, and actively listen to their responses. Not only will you learn all sorts of things that make your child unique, you'll also be demonstrating to them how to show care and concern for another person.

2) If it matters, say it out loud.

Teamwork in process.

Image by Steven Bennett/Wikimedia Commons.

According to the researchers, "Even though most parents and caretakers say that their children being caring is a top priority, often children aren't hearing that message." So be sure to say it with them. And so they know it's something they need to keep up with, check in with teachers, coaches, and others who work with your kids on how they're doing with teamwork, collaboration, and being a generally nice person.

3) Show your child how to "work it out."

sports and exercise, team exercise, building confidence

Playing soccer.

Image by susieq3c/Flickr.

Walk them through decision-making processes that take into consideration people who could be affected. For example, if your child wants to quit a sport or other activity, encourage them to identify the source of the problem and consider their commitment to the team. Then help them figure out if quitting does, in fact, fix the problem.

4) Make helpfulness and gratitude routine.

Ingenuity for cleaning up.

Image by David D/Flickr.

The researchers write, "Studies show that people who engage in the habit of expressing gratitude are more likely to be helpful, generous, compassionate, and forgiving — and they're also more likely to be happy and healthy." So it's good for parents to hold the line on chores, asking kids to help their siblings, and giving thanks throughout the day. And when it comes to rewarding "good" behavior, the researchers recommend that parents "only praise uncommon acts of kindness."

5) Check your child's destructive emotions.

negative feelings, emotional intelligence, honesty, understanding

An automatic save.

Image by Thomas Ricker/Flickr.

"The ability to care for others is overwhelmed by anger, shame, envy, or other negative feelings," say the researchers. Helping kids name and process those emotions, then guiding them toward safe conflict resolution, will go a long way toward keeping them focused on being a caring individual. It's also important to set clear and reasonable boundaries that they'll understand are out of love and concern for their safety.

6) Show your kids the bigger picture.

A reflective moment by the ocean.

Image by debowcyfoto/Pixabay.

"Almost all children empathize with and care about a small circle of families and friends," say the researchers. The trick is getting them to care about people who are socially, culturally, and even geographically outside their circles. You can do this by coaching them to be good listeners, by encouraging them to put themselves in other people's shoes, and by practicing empathy using teachable moments in news and entertainment.

The study concludes with a short pep talk for all the parents out there:

"Raising a caring, respectful, ethical child is and always has been hard work. But it's something all of us can do. And no work is more important or ultimately more rewarding."

This article originally appeared ten years ago.

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parenting

Health

Yale psychologist says this simple mindset change can help you live 7.5 years longer

Aging is all in the mind.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

An older woman spending time with her daughter.

Folks with a positive attitude about getting older often say, “Age ain’t nothing but a number.” But according to Yale professor Becca Levy, the more accurate philosophy should be, “Age ain’t nothing but an attitude.”

According to Levy’s work, developing the correct attitude about aging can help increase our lifespans. The problem is that ageism is embedded deeply into Western culture. For example, what’s the first thing that comes to mind when you think of an older person? The most common answer in the U.S. is “memory loss.” However, in China, it’s “wisdom.”

The average life expectancy in China is 78.2 years, compared to 77.5 in the U.S. Japan has one of the highest life expectancies in the world, at 85.2 years, and a lot of that has to do with the country's attitudes towards aging.

“[Levy] noticed that in Japan, old age is treated as a time to enjoy rather than to fear," a Yale School of Public Health article examining her career said. “The Japanese don't make a lot of fuss about menopause, for example, treating it as a valued phase of life, unlike in the U.S. where it is sometimes treated like a midlife affliction,” Levy said. “As a result, older Japanese women are less likely to experience hot flashes and other symptoms of menopause than women of the same age in the U.S."

via Tristan Le/Pexels

How does a positive attitude affect longevity?

Levy’s research led to a landmark 23-year study in which she and her team found that those with a positive view about aging live an average of 7.5 years longer than those without.

The study looked at responses that 660 older people in a small town in Ohio gave to a survey about their attitudes toward aging. It found that those with positive attitudes toward aging had a greater lust for life, positively affecting their longevity. It also found that when people encounter negative stereotypes associated with aging, they have an adverse cardiovascular response to stress.

"Our study carries two messages. The discouraging one is that negative self-perceptions can diminish life expectancy; the encouraging one is that positive self-perceptions can prolong life expectancy," say the authors.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

How to have a positive attitude about aging

Eric Kim, an assistant professor of psychology at the University of British Columbia and Hannah Giasson from the University of Michigan’s Department of Psychology shared four ways people can improve their attitudes towards aging with the American Heart Association.

1. Maintain a sense of purpose

"People's purposes can be quite different," Kim said. If your family is a high priority, find ways to help out your loved ones. If you're passionate about the environment, find an organization that allows you to give back. “Volunteer work is a great way to [have a sense of purpose]," he said.

2. Reject negative messages about aging

"Develop an awareness of these messages," Giasson suggests. “Understand how they influence us." Rejecting negative ideas about aging, such as the idea that disease is inevitable, gives us more reason to care for our health and feel we have control over our future.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

3. Stay socially active

People may lose loved ones as they age and social isolation is a big problem. Loneliness increases the risks of heart attacks, strokes, depression and low self-esteem. However, positive social connections can have a positive effect on health.

4. Try something new

People often stop doing activities they enjoyed when they were younger because they lack the physical ability. "Don't fall into the mindset that it's too late to try something new," Giasson said. “It's never too late, and you're never too old to explore new interests."

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longevity

Family

High school senior is going to Harvard after inspiring essay on losing her mom goes viral

via Abigail Mack / Instagram and Abigail Mack / TikTok

Abigail Mack, an 18-year-old high school senior from Massachusetts, is over the moon after being admitted to Harvard during the most competitive admission season of all time.

Applications to the university skyrocketed during the pandemic and it was only able to accept 1,968 out of 57,435 first-year applicants, less than 4%.

However, Abigail didn't just overcome long odds during the application process, she was accepted because she was able to thrive as a high school student after losing her mother to cancer. Her experience losing a parent was the topic of her inspiring admissions essay which has touched countless lives.

A TikTok post of her reading a portion of the letter went viral with millions of views.

@a_vmack

Her essay begins with a meditation on the letter "S" and how it has affected her life.

"I hate the letter 'S,'" Abigail's essay begins. "Of the 164,777 words with 'S,' I only grapple with one. To condemn an entire letter because of its use .0006 percent of the time sounds statistically absurd, but that one case changed 100 percent of my life. I used to have two parents, but now I have one, and the 'S' in 'parents' isn't going anywhere."

"'S' follows me," she continued. "I can't get through a day without being reminded that while my friends went out to dinner with their parents, I ate with my parent. As I write this essay, there is a blue line under the word 'parent' telling me to check my grammar; even Grammarly assumes that I should have parents, but cancer doesn't listen to edit suggestions."

"I won't claim that my situation is as unique as one in 164,777, but it is still an exception to the rule — an outlier," she continued. "The world isn't meant for this special case."

See on Instagram

Abigail then shares that after losing a parent she got involved with as many extracurricular activities as possible to get her mind off of the gut-wrenching loss.

"You can't have dinner with your parent...if you're too busy to have family dinner," she said. "I couldn't fill the loss that 'S' left in my life, but I could at least make sure I didn't have to think about it. There were so many things in my life I couldn't control, so I controlled what I could — my schedule."

But eventually, she decided to go from mourning the loss of one "S" to embracing two by whittling down her activities to three "paSSions": Theater, academics, and politics.

"'S' got me moving, but it hasn't kept me going," Abigail concluded in her essay. "I don't seek out sadness, so 'S' must stay on the sidelines, and until I am completely ready, motivation is more than enough for me."

See on Instagram

Abigail's mother opened up a dance studio which is still run by her father, a musician, so theater is a natural extension of her upbringing. She excelled at academics, becoming the valedictorian of her school. Politics is a passion she developed over the summer of 2020.

"When the Black Lives Matter demonstrations were occurring this past summer, I realized how passionately I felt about politics," she told Buzzfeed. "I knew that I could no longer stand idly by and watch as the world made leaps forward without me. I became a fellow on Senator Ed Markey's re-election campaign and also taught volunteers how to phone bank for Joe Biden's campaign. It was extremely gratifying to feel like my voice was being heard."

Abigail is unsure what her major will be at Harvard but she plans to pursue social sciences, the humanities, and possibly French.

She has some great advice for high schoolers coming up behind her to get into their dream schools.

"Your college application is a culmination of everything you've done in high school," she said. "You've already put in the work, so the hardest part is done. Now, you just have to put pen to paper, share what you've accomplished, and, most importantly, illustrate how you plan to make a difference going forward in your own, unique way."

From Your Site Articles

Former members of the Harvard women's soccer team reunited to write a powerful, heartbreaking opinion piece they should never have had to write.

The op-ed was written in response to The Harvard Crimson's recent story about the men's soccer team's "scouting report," a publicly searchable guide written and maintained by the 2012 Harvard men's soccer recruiting class detailing and rating members of the 2012 women's soccer recruiting class.

The document included the women's physical attributes, crude nicknames, and guesses as to their preferred sexual positions. While the disgusting digital tradition appeared to begin in 2012, conversations continued well into this year.

Within days of the newspaper revealing the abhorrent practice, the university cancelled the remainder of the men's season (two games) and any post-season play.

But that's not exactly a "victory" for Harvard women's soccer. Soon, former women's team members were inundated by the press, their comments taken and spun out of context. Their lives were disrupted through no fault of their own. And for current players, the scandal overshadowed what would soon be a championship season.

— (@)

Tired of outlets misrepresenting them, their team, and their school, the six members of the 2012 women's soccer recruiting class wrote an opinion piece for The Harvard Crimson.

Brooke Dickens, Kelsey Clayman, Alika Keene, Emily Mosbacher, Lauren Varela, and Haley Washburn, now Harvard alumni, came together to tell their side of the story in a piece titled "Stronger Together." In doing so, their voices carried for the millions of women who don't often get that chance.

"In all, we do not pity ourselves, nor do we ache most because of the personal nature of this attack. More than anything, we are frustrated that this is a reality that all women have faced in the past and will continue to face throughout their lives."

A woman holds a placard during the fifth annual SlutWalk in Hong Kong to protest against sexual violence, victim-blaming, and rape culture. Photo by Dale De La Rey/AFP/Getty Images.

While the women bravely shared feelings of hopelessness, concern, and frustration, strength and hope were on display too.

Being a target of misogyny of this magnitude would hurt and devastate anyone, but as athletes and young women, they are accustomed to getting back up in the wake of defeat.

"We know what it’s like to get knocked down. To lose a few battles. To sweat, to cry, to bleed. To fight so hard, yet no matter what we do, the game is still out of our hands. And, even still, we keep fighting; for ourselves, yes, but above all for our teammates. This document might have stung any other group of women you chose to target, but not us. We know as teammates that we rise to the occasion, that we are stronger together, and that we will not tolerate anything less than respect for women that we care for more than ourselves."

They're banding together now, not just as athletes or Harvard alumni, but as women.

Incidents like these are not confined to the locker room or college campus: They're everywhere. But women, athletes or otherwise, are stronger when they come together to speak out against sexual mistreatment. All of us, not just women but men too, need to come together to treat everyone with dignity and respect.

"As women of Harvard Soccer and of the world, we want to take this experience as an opportunity to encourage our fellow women to band together in combatting this type of behavior, because we are a team and we are stronger when we are united.

Women march behind a banner for an International Women's Day march in downtown Los Angeles. Photo by Mark Ralston/AFP/Getty Images.

From locker rooms to boardrooms, from the warehouse to the White House, the Harvard women's soccer team is right: We need to come together to stand up to misogyny.

Misogyny is not cute, funny, or harmless. It's cruel. It's devastating. And from micro-aggressions to sexual assault, sexism is creating and perpetuating a culture of rape and violence against women.

To put an end to it, we need men and boys to recognize in no uncertain terms that women's bodies and minds do not belong to them. Whatsoever. Full stop.

Students hold signs as they shout slogans against a recent rape that took place in New Delhi in 2012. Photo by Narinder Nanu/AFP/Getty Images.

"We are human beings and we should be treated with dignity. We want your help in combatting this. We need your help in preventing this. We cannot change the past, but we are asking you to help us now and in the future."

We need women to continue taking the brave step to get support and/or report their attackers in the wake of emotional, physical, and sexual violence, too. You and your voice are important. Know there are people nearby and around the globe who will stand with you and support you.

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images.

harvard

This 3-step Harvard conversation trick makes shy people more likable

Making small talk easier? Yes, please.

How do I make new people like me?

How much should I talk in a conversation?

Harvard expert's 5-3-1 rule is the key to a healthy social life

How much time should you spend with your friends?

What is the 5-3-1 rule?

(5) Spend time with FIVE different people a week

(3) Nurture at least THREE close relationships

(1) Have ONE quality hour of social connection a day

Harvard psychologists have been studying what it takes to raise 'good' kids. Here are 6 tips.

Help unlock your child's best self with a few tried-and-true strategies.

1) Hang out with your kids.

2) If it matters, say it out loud.

3) Show your child how to "work it out."

4) Make helpfulness and gratitude routine.

5) Check your child's destructive emotions.

6) Show your kids the bigger picture.

Yale psychologist says this simple mindset change can help you live 7.5 years longer

Aging is all in the mind.

How does a positive attitude affect longevity?

How to have a positive attitude about aging

High school senior is going to Harvard after inspiring essay on losing her mom goes viral

When the Harvard men's soccer team went low, the women's team went high.

Former members of the Harvard women's soccer team reunited to write a powerful, heartbreaking opinion piece they should never have had to write.

Within days of the newspaper revealing the abhorrent practice, the university cancelled the remainder of the men's season (two games) and any post-season play.

Tired of outlets misrepresenting them, their team, and their school, the six members of the 2012 women's soccer recruiting class wrote an opinion piece for The Harvard Crimson.

While the women bravely shared feelings of hopelessness, concern, and frustration, strength and hope were on display too.

They're banding together now, not just as athletes or Harvard alumni, but as women.

From locker rooms to boardrooms, from the warehouse to the White House, the Harvard women's soccer team is right: We need to come together to stand up to misogyny.

Together, all of us can make a difference for each other and generations to come. And it can start today.

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We have a small favor to ask of you

harvard

Making small talk easier? Yes, please.

How do I make new people like me?

How much should I talk in a conversation?

How much time should you spend with your friends?

What is the 5-3-1 rule?

(5) Spend time with FIVE different people a week

(3) Nurture at least THREE close relationships

(1) Have ONE quality hour of social connection a day

Help unlock your child's best self with a few tried-and-true strategies.

1) Hang out with your kids.

2) If it matters, say it out loud.

3) Show your child how to "work it out."

4) Make helpfulness and gratitude routine.

5) Check your child's destructive emotions.

6) Show your kids the bigger picture.

Aging is all in the mind.

How does a positive attitude affect longevity?

How to have a positive attitude about aging

Former members of the Harvard women's soccer team reunited to write a powerful, heartbreaking opinion piece they should never have had to write.

Within days of the newspaper revealing the abhorrent practice, the university cancelled the remainder of the men's season (two games) and any post-season play.

Tired of outlets misrepresenting them, their team, and their school, the six members of the 2012 women's soccer recruiting class wrote an opinion piece for The Harvard Crimson.

While the women bravely shared feelings of hopelessness, concern, and frustration, strength and hope were on display too.

They're banding together now, not just as athletes or Harvard alumni, but as women.

From locker rooms to boardrooms, from the warehouse to the White House, the Harvard women's soccer team is right: We need to come together to stand up to misogyny.

Together, all of us can make a difference for each other and generations to come. And it can start today.