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Therapist shares her 'one rule' for new stepparents that puts their role in proper perspective

Knowing your role in a child's life can be confusing.

via Cava/Photos

A stepmother and her stepdaughter.

New stepparents face many challenges when navigating a complex dynamic when they become part of a family. The stepchildren may feel loyal to the biological parent, making bonding or getting along tricky. They also have to forge a positive relationship with their new spouse's ex-partner, who may be bitter about the breakup or protective of their children.

Stepparents may also feel like they don’t belong and have a hard time finding their role in the household. Abby, a Licensed Professional Counselor, recently shared on TikTok the “one rule” that stepparents should follow when forging a relationship with their stepkids, and it should bring them some comfort in a stressful situation.

How can new step-parents create a good relationship with their step-children?

“Let’s not overcomplicate it. Let’s not panic. There are a lot things about being a stepparent that are challenging,” Abby says in her video. “And you probably didn’t expect it, and you’re figuring it out, but there is one rule. That rule is: the kid decides your relationship and the pace of your relationship. That is the only way to have a healthy relationship. You cannot force it. You cannot make them treat you as a mom if they don’t feel that you’re a mom.”

@abbytherapist

Step parent relationships can be complex, give it time, don’t push it. #blendedfamily #coparenting #stepparents #stepmom #bonusmom #momlife #motherhood

Abby’s advice makes sense because every child is going to have different needs and expectations from a stepparent, and a lot of that has to do with their relationship with their biological parents. Some children may rush to embrace a new parental figure, while others may take time to adjust to the new stepparents because they don't want to betray their biological parents.

Further, it’s impossible to make anyone love you, let alone like you, whether it’s a romantic relationship or you are joining a new family. Just because you married a child’s parent doesn’t mean they’ll automatically take a shine to you, and forcing yourself into their lives might make it harder for them to feel comfortable around you.

stepchildren, stepmoms, step-dads, stepparenting, therapist advice, A step mom bonding with her stepson.via Cava/Photos

How to build a strong relationship with my step-children.

Carl E. Pickhardt, Ph. D., also believes that new stepparents should refrain from rushing into relationships with their new stepchildren, especially if they are teenagers. "As an introducer of family change, starting a new practice, stopping one that is old, and increasing or decreasing the frequency of some family behavior, I believe it’s generally best to go slow,” Pickhardt writes at Psychology Today. “First, fit into the ongoing family before trying to fit it to the stepparent. Allow adequate time for everyone to just get used to living with each other.”


stepparent, stepchildren, family, modern family, relationshipsA step-mom fights with her teenage stepson. via Cava/Photos

Pickhardt adds that new stepparents should avoid creating early resentment by being too demanding. They should also put their young marriage ahead of parenting duties and refrain from trying too hard to impress the children. Finally, they should be open with their new spouse about any discomfort they may feel adopting the new role.

Abby’s belief in allowing the children to decide their relationships, especially in the beginning, may be frustrating to some new stepparents who want to jump right in and create a happy family. But her advice should also be a bit of a relief. You don’t have to do it all yourself, so it’s time to listen to the child and be there for them however they choose. That, in turn, should create a deeper relationship in the long run.

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Did holiday regression turn you into a teenager? Here's how to get yourself back.

Too much time with the family can turn people back into their old selves.

via Ben White/Unsplash

Women experiencing the anguish of the holiday season.

Did you, a reasonable and mature adult, turn into a child around the holidays? You’re not alone and there are ways to feel better and potentially repair any damage caused by the sudden regression.

Perhaps you were at the grocery store with your sibling, going in on the bill for a holiday meal together. One minute, you’re tallying items and the next, you’re arguing about who got more assistance from your parents growing up, and by that, you mean love. If you could stomp across the hall and slam a door in their face, you would, but instead, you have to ride back to your childhood home together in a sensible minivan and return to your spouses and children. Hypothetically, of course.

Or maybe your mom asked you a simple question about her iPhone again, one that you’ve answered a million times, which is easily Google-able, but jeez, why doesn’t she ever listen when you explain? You aren’t her personal Apple Genius.

And if she tells you one more time, there are more cookies in the pantry when you said no thank you and plus, she’s not exactly not the reason you have body image issues to begin with. What is she trying to do? Doesn’t she see how this affects you?

This is normal, apparently. It’s a psychological phenomenon dubbed Holiday Regression.

Around the holidays, the idea is all the sensory cues, from the people you’re around to the smells of home to the feeling of sleeping in your old childhood bedroom, create an environment where it’s incredibly easy to slip back into a younger version of yourself.

“We may have shifted in our adult life because we have new relationships and a new sense of ourselves,” clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone told CNN.com, “but going back for the holidays, being with your parents and sleeping in your old room, that’s what’s going to trigger you and bring back all those old feelings. Not on a conscious level, but it can put you in that frame of mind, and it can put your parents in that frame of mind, too.”

See, it is your parents’ fault!

So, let’s say you lost your cool, and you feel atrocious. Or still angry. What now?

First off, you want to figure out why you reacted the way you did. Is it just holiday stress or more likely, is it old anger or resentment that got triggered?

“We tend to fight with our loved one about the same few things over and over in different forms—content might change, but context rarely does,” clinical psychologist Dr. Jessica L. Dubron told Upworthy.

“I frequently tell patients that people generally stick to their brand and we set ourselves up for disappointment and frustration by thinking that something we say or do will magically change them," she continued.

Okay, fair, but what about those hurt feelings you might be left with? Or maybe a feeling of guilt from overreacting?

“For hurt feelings, simply identifying what happened is important. If this is holiday regression, there is power in recognizing that, honoring that, and sharing what happened with someone supportive. If you feel hurt, let yourself feel exactly that. It’s a physical sensation that will subside if you allow yourself to experience it,” Dubron said.

“Guilt is different in that you may benefit from doing something to make amends. You can’t control how the other person will react, so just think of what you need to do to feel like you’ve taken accountability while at the same time being considerate to the person you feel you’ve hurt," Dubron told Upworthy.

Dubron explains this could look like having an in-person conversation, which she generally feels offers the best chance for communication and repair, or sending a short message in your chosen form of communication if the intensity is still hot. “Keep the message short, sincere, and unequivocal in the accountability you are taking," she said.

If you’re feeling stuck, says Dubron, the key is to “ask yourself, in a year from now, what would you have wanted you now to do? Most of the time, we ultimately don’t want ourselves to die on the hill of any holiday conflict. Letting go is not usually done in an instant. Like forgiveness, it can take time," Dubron added.

Completely sensible and reasonable. Like you!


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A devastating comic imagines 'The Simpsons' and 'Family Guy' characters as adults.

If Bart Simpson and Chris Griffin grew up and went to therapy, they might have a lot to say.

A lot of it would probably be hard to hear.

All images by Panic Volushka, used with permission.

That's the subject of a fascinating — and heartbreaking — new comic by a 25-year-old, Seattle-based artist who writes and draws under the name Panic Volkushka.

Both "Family Guy" and "The Simpsons" often depict over-the-top family violence. Volkushka, a graduate student in counseling and art therapy, told Upworthy that a class he was taking inspired him to imagine how that violence might affect adult versions of the shows' child characters in the real world.

"People [have been] saying, 'Growing up, I couldn’t watch these shows, because that’s what happened to me, and I didn’t understand why I was suddenly expected to laugh at it,'" Volkushka said.

"At the time I was taking a class on systems therapy, which is based on the idea that even if you’re doing therapy with individuals, that they exist within the context of larger systems — their family system, social systems around them — so you have to understand that to understand what’s going on in their life," Volkushka said.

"The behavior that you pick up in your family is so much of the behavior that you take with you for the rest of your life. And for a lot of people, they don’t realize they’re doing that. Sometimes, for therapy, a big part of that is just realizing, ‘Oh, this is why I’m doing this.'"


As someone who once benefitted greatly from — and currently studies — counseling, Volkushka also hopes to highlight the restorative value of therapy.

"I was bullied pretty badly when I was in middle school and ended up going into therapy when I was 13," he said. "And it was really, really helpful, and I had a wonderful therapist."

In casting the therapist, Voshka attempted to contrast "The Simpsons," "Family Guy," and their casual depictions of abuse, with a show which he feels presents a far healthier family dynamic: "King of the Hill."

"Hank really doesn’t understand Bobby," Volkushka said. "There are times Peggy doesn’t understand Bobby. And Hank definitely discourages Bobby from things that he thinks are 'too girly,' or 'not the things that boys should do,' but ultimately, he loves Bobby, and when Hank is trying to discourage Bobby, or doesn’t understand Bobby, the show generally shows Hank as being in the wrong, and even if he doesn’t understand it, usually by the end of the episode, he’s come to some sort of peace with it. Like, 'I don’t understand my son, but he’s still my son.'"

Though he's received a few complaints from fans of the shows, Volkushka said the reaction has been mostly positive.

"I grew up watching 'The Simpsons.' That was, every Sunday, I’d sit down with my parents and watch the latest episode. And I still really love it."

Ultimately, he said, he hopes the comic will prompt people to take a harder look at the way family dynamics are depicted in pop culture, even on shows that as enduring and popular as the ones it explores.

"You can still appreciate it for what it is and criticize it at the same time. I don’t think that’s impossible."

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