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Grandma offers wake-up call for grandparents who can't stop buying the grandkids presents

She's got the perfect solution for what to do when you just can't pass up a great deal at the store.

@morethangrand/TikTok
Gift giving should feel good for the giver and the receiver. But around the holidays, it can be a major cause of stress.

Parents and grandparents find themselves at odds frequently. It could be a disagreement over how much screen time the kids get, battles over grandma giving them too many sweets, or arguments around how often grandma and grandpa should be babysitting. Conflict in their relationships is almost a given, and navigating disagreements in a healthy, productive way is key for the relationship to evolve and grow.

One huge source of that conflict comes in the form of... stuff! All parents can relate to the sense of dread they feel at the sight of the grandparents arriving for a visit with a trunk-full of of presents. Toys, furniture, costumes, decor, you name it. And that's just on a regular Tuesday. Around the holidays, it can get even worse. It's not that they don't want their kids getting gifts, it's just all too much, especially when you live in a home with a finite amount of storage.

DeeDee Moore, a grandma behind the website More Than Grand, recently shared on the her TikTok account that “too much stuff” given from grandparents to their grandkids is one of the main sources of holiday frustration for parents.


 gift guide for grandparents, christmas gifts, in law at christmas, grandparents, parents, kids, family, love Moore says experience gifts, and spending quality time, are better options than trunk-loads of presents.  Photo by Christian Bowen on Unsplash  

“75% of the parents that we surveyed wished grandparents would respect their wishes about gifts,” she explained, noting that while there are myriad reasons why this would be the case, the most common one (and incidentally the one most "waved off” by the grandparents) is the lack of physical space to accommodate.

Now, you might be thinking: How much harm can it really do to give a kid a new card game or a baby doll? Certainly those don't take up that much room. But when Moore breaks down the math, it’s a bit hard to deny.

“Say your grandson has four other grandparents and four aunts and uncles. Each of these people get him one gift for a second birthday. That’s already nine gifts plus something for mom and dad. We’re up to 10,” she said.

“If all of those grandparents buy him three things, and two of the aunts get him a little extra something, that’s 22 presents for a 2 year old who would be just as happy with a box.”

Add in gifts from friends, and random gift-dumps from grandma when she's been on a hot-streak at the thrift store, and you've got a serious storage problem on your hands.

@morethangrand

Gifts should be a joy for both the giver and recipient, but at this time of year, they can end up being a source of conflict. Watch for a tip on how to channel your grandparent generosity! For more ways to navigate hotspots during upcoming holidays, make sure you are on our email list! Go to my bio to sign up! #grandparents #grandparent #CommunicationTips #GrandparentsLove #AdultChildren #NewGrandparent #newgrandma#newgrandparents #newgrandma #Grandparenting #grannytok #HealthyBoundaries #Boomer #EffectiveCommunication #GentleGrandparenting

Yikes, gotta admit that’s a lot. And that’s not counting the additional problems too much gift-giving can incite listed on the More Than Grand website, which included:

  • Undermining the parent’s values that they are trying to instill to their children
  • Damaging a child’s ability to use their imagination
  • Normalizing overconsumption
  • Teaching children to associate seeing grandma or grandpa with getting a gift, rather than focusing on the actual relationship
(Here's another one: Too many gifts steals Mom and Dad's thunder! Parents often put a lot of thought into picking out presents they know their kids will love, only for them to get buried in the avalanche of surprise presents.)

These are all good points, and yet, what to do with all those good intentions and a desire to spoil some precious little nugget? Luckily, Moore has the perfect fix.

“While your grandchildren are faced with getting too many gifts, many children are in the opposite situation. Take some of the things you bought to Toys for Tots or another organization that provides gifts for less fortunate families.”

This allows folks to step into the “true spirit of giving,” Moore concluded.

Viewers by and large seemed to agree, though many also noted how powerful experiential or future-building gifts could be, even if they're not as cute as toys or as fun to open.


@morethangrand

How often do we hear "it takes a village to raise a child'? Grandparents can be that village, but it can be hard to show up the way today's parents need. We created a digital grandparenting course that will teach you everything you need to know to be the village for your grandchild's parents. It's called New Grandparent Essentials, and you can find a link in my profile! It's the best investment you can make in your family as you become a grandparent! #grandparents #grandparent #CommunicationTips #GrandparentsLove #AdultChildren #NewGrandparent #newgrandparents #newgrandma #Grandparenting #grannytok #HealthyBoundaries #Boomer #EffectiveCommunication #GentleGrandparenting

“My in-laws opened up a college fund for both my kids. Instead of stuff they put more money in the account. I’m so grateful!” one person wrote.

Another added, “I am giving experiences and putting money in an account for future needs (college, 1st house, starting business, etc).”

In the vein, here are two other tips grandparents can use for intentional gift-giving…

First and foremost: open up a discussion with the parents. See if they need help with a big ticket item, find out which hobby or sport the child is interested in, ask what’s a definite “no.” this can save a lot of headaches for everyone.

"The gifts should surprise the grandkids, not their parents," as one commenter wrote on the video.

Second: prioritize memories over stuff. A trip to the zoo, an education membership, a ticket for two to the movies…these are often the gifts that truly keep on giving.

And grandparents, don’t forget: just because you’re honoring boundaries, it doesn't mean you have to pass up that sweet little something you see in the aisles. After all, shopping is fun, and it's even better when you find a great deal or a cool discovery. But it can easily go to a little one who could really use it.

For even more tip on all things grandparenting, give More Than Grand a follow here.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.


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Family

This son sent his mom a life-size cutout of himself. She got the last laugh.

Amazing work, mom.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

A collage of Dalton Ross .


Dalton Ross wanted to make sure his family didn't miss him too badly while he was studying abroad in London.

To help them cope, the 22-year-old Tennessee native did what any selfless college student would do...

He sent his mom a life-size cutout of himself.

art, imaginative, artistic, family dynamics

The life-size cutout of Dalton Ross.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

"I thought maybe they'd put it in the living room corner until I got back to remember I exist," he explained about the cutout, which came with a short note: "You're welcome.”

But like any clever mom, Susan Talley couldn't just stash this amazing piece of work away when it arrived about two months ago.

tomfoolery, family tradition, clowning

Guess who’s coming to dinner.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

No, no — she had better plans in mind.

Talley decided the cardboard version of her son could be a great companion "while the real one is in Europe." So she brought him along with her to events, like basketball games ...

Can you spot cardboard Dalton in the stands?

farce, levity, witticism

Defense! Defense!

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

... trips to the doctor's office ...

doctor visit, hilarious gags, connection

Hello doc.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

... and sub sandwich runs.

sub sandwich, family pranks, photography

One meatball sub please.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

Fake Dalton celebrated Valentine's Day with a fellow inanimate object.

Valentine\u2019s Day, inanimate object, dating

The strange and uncomfortable.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

He enjoyed playing with a furry, four-legged friend in the sunshine.

dogs, parks, family pets

Some complicated fetching.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

And he appreciated a good bedtime story, just like the rest of us.

Dr. Seuess, bedtime story, community

Reading Dr. Seuss, “Oh, the Places You’ll Go!"

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

The photos of fake Dalton are spreading like wildfire.

sons, Facebook, Imgur

Out and about for lunch.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

Without showing her son the photos first, Talley went ahead and uploaded them to Facebook. And after Dalton shared them on Imgur — explaining his mom "seems to be entertaining herself" while he's gone — the story sent the Internet into a buzzy frenzy.

"The attention is crazy," Ross told Upworthy, noting the story has gained so much traction that a restaurant featured in one of the photos, O'Charley's, sent the family a gift card.

"I hope my mom's holding up all right," he said. "It's awesome though.”

Fake Dalton has been hitting the batting cages...

batting cages, unique travel, fun activities

Batter up.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

... taking in some nightlife...

entertaining, Dalton Ross, family love

Out on the town.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

... and celebrated Easter with his family.

Easter, connections, life abroad

Easter with the Ross family.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

Although the viral reaction to the photos has been a bit nuts, Ross isn't all that surprised his mom was up for a good laugh.

mom, life-size, humor

Out and about.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

"Oh yeah, my mom is very funny," he explained to Upworthy. And it's a good thing, too: Laughter can be a great tool in improving the quality of family dynamics and boosting a loved one's emotional health. (A student studying abroad should especially keep that in mind, considering being away from loved ones and familiarity can be tough.)

"We're a big family of jokesters."

Bravo, mom, for setting the bar very high ahead of April Fools' Day.

uplifting, parents, laughter

Let’s clean it up.

All photos courtesy of Dalton Ross, used with permission.

This article originally appeared on 03.30.16

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37 years after being thrown out of his house as a teen, his family wants to apologize

He did nothing wrong but took the blame.

via MR Wallpaper and Pexels

A Redditor comes to grips with the family that abandonned him.

Does time really heal all wounds? That’s the big question in a harrowing story posted to Reddit by a 53-year-old man who has had a very challenging life but now just wants to know love.

The story was shared by a user named Fancy-Anywhere-4733, who we’ll refer to in the story as FA for short.

FA’s mother died when he was 12 years old and 2 years later, his father married a woman named Ashley who had two kids, Mark (14) and Emily (12). “I got along with Ashley and Emily really well, but Mark, not so much so. He and I were always getting into arguments and fights,” FA recalls. This rivalry came to a head the next year when both boys fell for the same girl, Lisa, that FA began to date, much to Mark’s annoyance.

Then, there came the lie that would change his life forever.

“One day after my 16th birthday, my stepmom was putting away my laundry and started yelling,” FA recalled. “This was awkward because my girlfriend Lisa was there. We all ran, thinking the worst. When we got to my room, my stepmom was holding several pairs of my sister's underwear and yelling at me why they were in my drawer.”

“I had no answer as I'd never seen them before,” he continued. “Of course, no one believed me. No matter how much protesting I did."

"Then Mark piped up, saying he always caught me staring at his sister, thought it was creepy and caught me once saying I wish I could marry her," he continued. "Obviously lying, but that was all it took. Lisa slapped me and called me a perv and told me we were done and walked out.”

upset teen, reddit, family fight

A teen boy is ashamed sitting on a couch.

via Christian Erfurt/Unsplash

FA’s dad grabbed him by the arm and threw him out of the house, screaming that he wouldn't “put his daughter at risk from a perv.” FA cried and screamed that it was all a lie, but no one believed him. “I told him I had nowhere to go and he said that wasn't his problem, then closed the door,” FA wrote.

FA lived on the streets for two years doing “what I had to do” to survive. He admits that therapy later helped him get over the experiences he had to endure to get by. He eventually found a job at a boxing gym a few states away and began training in the sport, which helped him channel his rage.

Eventually, at 35, he met a 20-year-old girl, married her and became a master’s electrician. They have 4 kids and have been happily married for 15 years. With the help of a therapist, he was able to put his old life behind him and embrace his new family with all his heart.

But then, 37 years after being kicked out of the house, he received an email from Emily, his stepsister. Evidently, Mark got drunk one night at the bar and bragged about how he set FA up by planting the underwear in his drawer. Lisa, who is now married to Mark, heard the story and reached out to Emily so she could know the truth.

email, computer, reddit

A woman writing an email.

via Glenn Carstens-Peters/Unsplash

Emily found Mark’s email address and reached out stating that the family wanted to meet up face to face, apologize to him and make up for the lost time. “I'm, however indifferent to the idea,” FA admitted. “Like, I have no ill feelings towards her. She obviously was young and had no real say in the matter. But with lots and lots of therapy, I learned to let go of that hate and anger and to let go of them. As well with all the love I receive from my wife, kids and in-laws, it's all I really need.”

Even though FA wasn’t asking for advice, he got a lot of it in the comments and really appreciated the outside opinions.

A day after posting his story, FA has yet to respond to his family, but he found a suggestion he liked. DaughterofLilith wrote a response for him that reads:

"Thank you for finally believing in me, it only took 30 long years. Because of Mark's and my Father's despicable actions on that day, I lived on the streets for 2 years doing all sorts of desperate things to survive. But now I have a wonderful life, with an amazing family. My wife is my biggest supporter and friend. We have 4 beautiful daughters that no one from my family, especially my Father, will ever know. As a parent, I would never expose my precious children to such vile, hateful and terrible human beings like Mark or my Father. I have learned to move on with my life and heal the wounds that they caused me. I have forgiven them for their reprehensible actions that day but forgiveness does not require me to allow them back into my life. Thank you for informing me of Mark's confession but do not ever reach out to me again. I no longer consider my family of origin as any kind of family at all. I created a new and better one."

“Wow... you've nailed it right on the head,” FA responded. “Outside of indifference to them, this would make a great response. Thanks for taking the time to read and post this well-thought-out comment.”

In the end, posting about his experience on Reddit helped FA better understand a complicated situation. “Didn't really come here for advice, but to share my story, but I think it was wise that you all have,” he wrote. “It has given me an outside perspective.” But, whether he reaches out to his former family or not, seems like a footnote in the story. The great part of FA’s journey is that he learned not only to forgive but to move on from his trauma with an open heart and create a new life with the family of his choice.

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Did holiday regression turn you into a teenager? Here's how to get yourself back.

Too much time with the family can turn people back into their old selves.

via Ben White/Unsplash

Women experiencing the anguish of the holiday season.

Did you, a reasonable and mature adult, turn into a child around the holidays? You’re not alone and there are ways to feel better and potentially repair any damage caused by the sudden regression.

Perhaps you were at the grocery store with your sibling, going in on the bill for a holiday meal together. One minute, you’re tallying items and the next, you’re arguing about who got more assistance from your parents growing up, and by that, you mean love. If you could stomp across the hall and slam a door in their face, you would, but instead, you have to ride back to your childhood home together in a sensible minivan and return to your spouses and children. Hypothetically, of course.

Or maybe your mom asked you a simple question about her iPhone again, one that you’ve answered a million times, which is easily Google-able, but jeez, why doesn’t she ever listen when you explain? You aren’t her personal Apple Genius.

And if she tells you one more time, there are more cookies in the pantry when you said no thank you and plus, she’s not exactly not the reason you have body image issues to begin with. What is she trying to do? Doesn’t she see how this affects you?

This is normal, apparently. It’s a psychological phenomenon dubbed Holiday Regression.

Around the holidays, the idea is all the sensory cues, from the people you’re around to the smells of home to the feeling of sleeping in your old childhood bedroom, create an environment where it’s incredibly easy to slip back into a younger version of yourself.

“We may have shifted in our adult life because we have new relationships and a new sense of ourselves,” clinical psychologist Lisa Firestone told CNN.com, “but going back for the holidays, being with your parents and sleeping in your old room, that’s what’s going to trigger you and bring back all those old feelings. Not on a conscious level, but it can put you in that frame of mind, and it can put your parents in that frame of mind, too.”

See, it is your parents’ fault!

So, let’s say you lost your cool, and you feel atrocious. Or still angry. What now?

First off, you want to figure out why you reacted the way you did. Is it just holiday stress or more likely, is it old anger or resentment that got triggered?

“We tend to fight with our loved one about the same few things over and over in different forms—content might change, but context rarely does,” clinical psychologist Dr. Jessica L. Dubron told Upworthy.

“I frequently tell patients that people generally stick to their brand and we set ourselves up for disappointment and frustration by thinking that something we say or do will magically change them," she continued.

Okay, fair, but what about those hurt feelings you might be left with? Or maybe a feeling of guilt from overreacting?

“For hurt feelings, simply identifying what happened is important. If this is holiday regression, there is power in recognizing that, honoring that, and sharing what happened with someone supportive. If you feel hurt, let yourself feel exactly that. It’s a physical sensation that will subside if you allow yourself to experience it,” Dubron said.

“Guilt is different in that you may benefit from doing something to make amends. You can’t control how the other person will react, so just think of what you need to do to feel like you’ve taken accountability while at the same time being considerate to the person you feel you’ve hurt," Dubron told Upworthy.

Dubron explains this could look like having an in-person conversation, which she generally feels offers the best chance for communication and repair, or sending a short message in your chosen form of communication if the intensity is still hot. “Keep the message short, sincere, and unequivocal in the accountability you are taking," she said.

If you’re feeling stuck, says Dubron, the key is to “ask yourself, in a year from now, what would you have wanted you now to do? Most of the time, we ultimately don’t want ourselves to die on the hill of any holiday conflict. Letting go is not usually done in an instant. Like forgiveness, it can take time," Dubron added.

Completely sensible and reasonable. Like you!


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