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Communications expert shares the number one small talk mistake people make and how to fix it

It happens at the start of a lot of conversations.

via Canva/Photos

A group of friends having a chat.

Many people don’t like making small talk. They either believe it’s beneath them to talk about mundane subjects or don’t see the benefit of discussing the weather, sports, or television with people they hardly know. However, these folks are missing a very valuable form of interaction that can help them with their love lives, friendships, and careers. They also remove themselves from situations where they can elevate small talk to something more valuable and meaningful.

Jefferson Fisher, a Texas board-certified personal injury attorney and law firm owner of Fisher Firm, has become massively popular on Instagram, with nearly 6 million followers, for sharing communication tips “to help people argue less and talk more.” While promoting his new book, The Next Conversation: Argue Less, Talk More, he shared the number one problem people have while making small talk.

What's the number one mistake people make during small talk?

"They unknowingly turn the conversation back to themselves too quickly," Fisher tells Parade. "It’s a natural impulse—we want to relate, to show we understand. But what often happens is that we hijack the conversation."

 conversation, heart-to-heart, talking, girls talking, school conversation,  Two girls having a heart-to-heart.via Canva/Photos

"For example, someone says, 'I just got back from a trip to Italy,' and instead of asking about their experience, we jump in with, 'Oh, I’ve been to Italy several times, it’s great.' It’s well-meaning, but it can come across as dismissive,” Fisher said. You may not be intending to make the other person feel unimportant, but they just got back from the trip of a lifetime, and you stole their thunder by making it about yourself. It can be tough to hold back in a situation like that, because you’re excited to talk all about your wonderful experience. But if you have a little self-control and ask them a few more questions about their trip, you’ll make a much stronger first impression.

“Instead, focus on them. Ask open-ended questions like, 'That’s wonderful, what was your favorite part?'” the lawyer continued. “Small talk isn’t about impressing people, it’s about making them feel seen and heard."


Fisher’s advice echoes that of the great Dale Carnegie, author of the 1936 classic How to Win Friends and Influence People. In the book, Carnegie says, “To be interesting, be interested.” Carnegie’s advice is counterintuitive because we are taught to believe that being likable means dominating conversations and entertaining the other person. However, Carnegie thinks that people who are generous listeners and willing to serve the other person tend to make a better first impression.

How to be more likable.

Researchers at Harvard found out that when you ask someone a question, people will like you more if, after they answer, you ask them two more follow-up questions. So, if you ask, “Where did you go last summer?” And they reply, Italy, you can follow that up with two questions about their favorite city and the restaurant they’ll never forget. Then, you can tell them that you’ve been there, too.

 conversation, parties, small talk, cocktail parties, rooftop party,  A rooftop party.via Canva/Photos

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

People will take a shine to you after you ask a few questions because it shows that you are listening and interested in what they say. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

While at first, it may take a little practice to ask follow-up questions instead of turning the conversation to your experiences and opinions, it should take some pressure off the need to be interesting. Now, instead of trying to wow people with your stories, all you have to do is listen to theirs, and they’ll like you all the more for it.

This article originally appeared in May.

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He asked how to confront his racial bias. She responded with a powerful gesture.

Garry Civitello called into C-SPAN with his heart and insecurities on his sleeve.

Civitello, a white man from Asheville, North Carolina, wanted to speak with Heather McGhee, a black woman and president of Demos, a public policy group working to promote democracy for all. But his question wasn't specifically about public policy. It was about what he could do to be a better person.

"I'm a white male, and I'm prejudiced. What can I do to change, you know, to be a better American?"

McGhee was initially caught off guard by the question but took an opportunity to respond from the heart:

"I told him thank you, and I just came up with some thoughts about how he could integrate his life and learn to have more empathy and compassion."

For Civitello and others looking to make a change, McGhee offered a few places to start. From getting to know black families to asking tough questions of himself and others.

All images via Upworthy/YouTube.

Before long, video of their brief exchange was viewed more than 8 million times.

McGhee saw a unique opportunity to build on their conversation.

She traveled to North Carolina to meet with Civitello, and the two had a positive discussion, asking each other questions and learning about their backgrounds and experiences. For both, the opportunity to grow and learn from each other was a powerful thing.

"When you get to know people, usually your fears were unjustified," Civitello said.

 

Regardless of our backgrounds, all of us have biases to confront.

But when we confront those insecurities head on, we can grow and change for the better. It starts with moving outside our own comfort zones and challenging norms.

"It's time for us to have a conversation with white folks and for white folks to have a conversation with each other about how it doesn't have to be a zero-sum game," McGhee said.

As Civitello and McGhee revealed, the conversations are tough but necessary.

"It's just something that we don't practice, and taking that first step is the hardest thing," Civitello told McGhee.

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Dear curious people: This is how I want you to ask about my race.

'What’s your ethnicity? Are you Korean? Cambodian? Sometimes it’s so hard to guess.'

This past summer, I worked in customer service.

While I absolutely loved my job and the interactions I had with people, there’s one conversation I’ll never forget.

As I was helping a woman with her items, she asked, "What’s your ethnicity? Are you Korean? Cambodian? Sometimes it’s so hard to guess."

Photo via iStock.

"Guess" – the word stuck to me like it was pasted with hard glue, now forming a solid mount on my chest that I couldn’t remove.

Appeasing her curiosity, I replied, "I’m Chinese" with a feigned smile. While I was reduced to an object of someone else’s fascination, the customer’s curiosity was sated.

During another instance, I was asked, "Is Megan your real name?"

I felt my heart sink when the words hit my ears.

The man continued, "I have Chinese students who come to America and change their name. Were you born with the name Megan?"

I thought, "Megan is the only name I’ve ever been known as. Of course my name is Megan."

Withholding the anger at this man’s assumptions, I replied, "Yes, sir, my real name is Megan," trying to dismiss the conversation. He eventually stopped asking me questions when he sensed I didn’t want to reply to him.

To confront me about my ethnicity, imagine putting yourself in my position.

On a first encounter with a new person, would it really be OK if someone asked, "Is that your real name?"

While I understand that some people might view these questions as a means of friendly conversation, they simply aren’t appropriate.

I enjoy discussions about ethnicity and identity, but there are better ways to approach me about my race.

Photo via iStock.

Here are some tried and true methods or phrases I’d love to hear you use:

1. "Hey, I have a friend who studied abroad in Asia, and I’m interested in traveling there. Could you tell me which country you’re from?"

By mentioning your friend or maybe even yourself as a person who has studied abroad, I’ll understand the context of your question. I’ll also have more respect for you because of the thought put into phrasing it.

2. "I recently learned this fact about Asian culture, and I think it’s awesome. Are you from China?"

Again, this question is considerate (to me) because you’re explaining why you’re asking the question beforehand. Oh, and bonus points that you even know that fact about culture.

3. "Hey, I was wondering if you could tell me how you identify yourself."

Oh my gosh. Yes. I love this question.

Here’s why: You’re opening up the discussion for me to tell you how I choose to identify myself. I’ll probably hug you then tell you, "I’m adopted and identify as a Caucasian person. However, I was born in China."

These are questions that are respectful and courteous. They don’t make me the object of your curiosity. They remind both of us that I’m a human.

Here’s the thing: I do want to talk about my identity. But the way you ask about it matters.

Some questions can come across as hurtful. But when you rephrase a question, you’ll have me hooked into the conversation right away. In fact, if I were asked any of the above questions, I’d probably give you a hug. I’d love to have a discussion about identities with you!

Please ask questions that are open-ended because they’ll give me an opportunity to share my cultural identity with you.

Even though I was adopted from China, I was not raised in traditional Chinese culture. I was raised right here in the United States by two European parents. So my reality and my identity are complicated. Give me the space to explain.

Now, who’s ready to chat?

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15 encouraging phrases a Spanish speaker like me would love for you to learn.

Learning these simple yet meaningful phrases could make all the difference in the world.

I'm a 38-year-old bilingual Mexican-American, and I recently came to a very interesting realization about non-Spanish speakers.

I meet a lot of people at work, on the street, and in my community who want to make an effort by speaking my native language. It's great. But often, they default to the same handful of phrases: "Hola," "Buenos días," maybe a "Como está" once in a while.

I was chatting with a co-worker recently about my work as a writer. I could tell he was very proud of me. When our chat ended, he said, "Si se puede!" I thought, "Dammit!"

Let me explain: "Si se puede" means "yes we can," and it's a renowned cry of Latino pride made famous by American labor leader and social activist Cesar Chávez way before President Barack Obama made it a slogan. A lot of Latinos love that phrase.

But the phrase is so generic now that it has almost taken away the true meaning of his pride.

That wasn't his fault, of course. I just would've preferred an "I'm really proud of you" instead. Then I immediately felt terrible for thinking that because how could he know that?

Please don't get me wrong: I appreciate it oh-so-much when non-Spanish-speaking people take the time and effort to say something to me in Spanish. But it would be awesome if there were more common phrases floating around society (besides curse words).

So I wanted to offer up some other options for those friendly Spanish-speaking chats you might want to have. Allow me to be your friendly bilingual guide. :)

Here are 15 inclusive phrases in Spanish that I would love to see become part of our shared vernacular:

1. Great job. / Buen trabajo.

Pronounced: boo-en tra-bah-hoe.

All illustrations by Kitty Curran.

This phrase goes a long way, and it's always nice to feel like what you're doing is making a difference.

2. You have a beautiful smile. / Que bella sonrisa.

Pronounced: ke beh-ya sone-ree-sa.

Go ahead, try it; and I guarantee they'll flash those pearly whites even wider.

3. Would you like to be friends? / Quisieras ser mi amigo(a)?

Pronounced: key-see-air-aws sare me amigo (for a male) amiga (for a female)?

This question could spark the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Promise!

4. I appreciate your work. / Aprecio tu trabajo.

Pronounced: aw-pre-see-oh too trah-bah-hoe.

Recognizing someone's hard work — particularly if they're on the job — is a wonderful thing.

5. You make the world a better place. / Tu mejoras el mundo.

Pronounced: too meh-ho-raws el moon-doe.

This phrase has the power to stop anyone in their tracks and instantly make their day.

6. Your kindness is appreciated. / Aprecio tu amabilidad.

Pronounced: ah-pre-see-oh too aw-ma-bee-lee-dod.

There is no such thing as too much kindness in this world, so there's no way you can overuse this phrase if you truly feel it about someone.

7. How is your day going? / Como va tu dia?

Pronounced: como va too dee-ah?

A simple conversation-starter or perfect for friendly chitchat.

8. Are you enjoying the weather? / Estás disfrutando del clima?

Pronounced: es-tas dees-froo-tan-doh del clee-maw?

You know how they say talking about the weather is the perfect small talk? It's like that in Spanish, too!

9. You have a lot to offer. / Tienes mucho que ofrecer.

Pronounced: tee-en-es moo-choe ke oh-freh-ser

It's the perfect morale booster, especially when someone you care about is feeling down and out.

10. I'm proud of you. / Estoy orgullosa(o) de ti.

Pronounced: es-toy or-goo-yo-so (from a male) or or-goo-yo-sa (for a female) de tee.

This is another powerful phrase that you shouldn't use sparingly with anyone you feel deserves to hear it.

11. I believe in you. / Creo en ti.

Pronounced: kre-oh en tee.

This is beautiful compliment can be used in so many everyday situations at home, in school, and at the workplace.

12. Never give up. / Nunca te des por vencida(o).

Pronounced: noon-ka te des pore ven-see-da (to a female) or ven-see-do (to a male).

Another morale-boosting statement of positive reinforcement for anyone you believe in.

13. I know you can do it. / Yo sé que tú puedes.

Pronounced: yo se ke too poo-eh-des.

This phrase is especially nice to say to someone struggling with a task or facing a complicated situation.

14. You are very pleasant to be around. / Tu presencia es agradable.

Pronounced: too preh-sen-see-aw es aw-grah-dob-le.

Best. Compliment. Ever.

15. How do you say ___ in Spanish? / Como se dice ___ en Español?

Pronounced: ko-mo se dee-se [enter any word here] en ess-pan-yol?

For yours truly, this is the best request ever, which is why I humbly requested the friendly gal in the red shirt in the illustrations be drawn in my likeness.

Can you say, "I love it!" in Spanish? It's "Me encanta!" And that's how I feel about this brief but mighty guide to helpful phrases in Spanish.

I'm not the type to get offended when someone says something to me in Spanish while in public, assuming I'm Latina.

Because I am a Latina, and I look it, and I'm OK with that. But it is important to remember there are Latinos who prefer to blend, to not be approached by someone trying to speak Spanish simply because they look Latino.

Either way, there is absolutely no shame in saying "Hola" or "Buenos días," or anything else you know how to say. It shows your good intentions and lets Latinos like me know you're making an effort to speak our language.

But my hope is that you might also be able to add some other phrases to your arsenal, too should the need to express yourself in Spanish arise.

After all, learning how to better communicate with one another is one of the best ways to make the world a better place. ¡Ya verán!

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