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Man honors his father's caregiver with emotional speech at his funeral

"Caregivers like him don't get the recognition they deserve."

Image via Canva

Man publicly honors his father's caregiver at his funeral.

Caregiving is often a thankless job. But when author Carlos Whittaker's (@loswhit) father Fermin passed away from dementia, he made sure to publicly honor his caregiver, Bradley, at his funeral.

In an emotional video shared on Instagram, while giving a speech at his father Fermin's funeral, Whittaker called out Bradley to sincerely thank him for the diligent care he provided throughout his father's life. And there was not a dry eye in the church.

"At my father’s funeral, I took a moment to honor someone special—Bradley, his full-time caregiver," he shared in the post's caption. "He stood by my mom and cared for my dad with unwavering dedication. Caregivers like him don’t get the recognition they deserve, and I’m so grateful. Thank you, Bradley, for everything. If you know someone who is a caregiver…Send them a message and thank them today."

The video beings with Whittaker standing behind a pulpit in a church where the funeral is being held. In part of his speech, he acknowledges Bradley for his selfless care of Fermin.

"I want to thank someone that cared for my dad the past year. Bradley, are you in the room? Can you actually stand up if you wouldn't mind?" he says as his voice cracks. "This man right here stood next to my mother and helped care for my father, and I want to say thank you. Caregivers do not get the respect and honor they deserve. And I want to say thank you so much for taking care of my father."

The camera pans to Bradley, who is standing up and wiping away tears as the crowd gives him a round of applause. After the speech, the camera pans back to Whittaker, who is also wiping away tears with a tissue.

In the comment section Bradley himself commented on the video. "It was my pleasure 🙏 I'm forever grateful and honored that I got to care for your father. You all will forever be apart of my journey ❤️," he wrote.

The impactful video resonated deeply with viewers. "As a nurse it means a lot to see caregivers recognized, what an angel on earth he was for your family and I’m sure so many others 🙌🏻🥹," one wrote. Another commented, "My grandma just passed away from dementia last week & her full time caregiver loved her so incredibly well. We are forever thankful." Another viewer added, "So wonderful that Bradley could be there and you could honor him. He clearly loves your parents 💜."

In another touching post, Whittaker honored his dad by sharing a poem he wrote on the day he was to be buried about dealing with his grief. "I hate this. I hate that I don’t get to smell your bald head again. I hate that I don’t get to feel your wink across the room. I hate that I don’t get to hold your hand. But I love—so much—that I got to be your son."

It was another impactful post for his followers. "I know these feelings. I weep as I read your words. They are a reminder that my dad is more alive than ever," one commented. And another shared, "I know these words are your heart, but they said so much of what is in mine, too. Thank you. Praying for you and your family."

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Wellness

Doctor shares 'dementia whiteboard' daughter wrote for mother

Philip Grimmer/Twitter

Anyone who's had a relative or friend with dementia will know just how destructive the group of diseases is. The condition can impair memory, communication, focus, reasoning, and visual perception, transforming a sufferer into what can seem like an entirely different person in a matter of seconds.

Dr. Philip Grimmer, from Wiltshire in the United Kingdom, was visiting one of his patients with the disease when he saw the words of reassurance written on a whiteboard by a daughter to her mother that he decided to share on Twitter.

"Words of reassurance left for an elderly lady with dementia by her daughter," Dr. Grimmer explains. "A simple white board left in her sight line in her sitting room. Helped to reduce constant anxious phone calls."

The white board reads:


Your meals are paid for

You're okay

Everyone's fine

You are not moving

No-one else is moving

Keep drinking,

it will help your memory

You don't owe anyone any money

You haven't upset anyone."

Dr. Grimmer's tweet attracted over 40,000 likes and 7,000 retweets. Dr. Grimmer explained to the BBC that he'd initially posted the tweet to share it with his colleagues. "I'd not seen anything like it before in thousands of house visits. It's caring, reassuring and sensible - it's just such a simple idea," he added.

Other social media users took the opportunity to share how they help those suffering from the disease.



Dr. Grimmer's image was also posted on Reddit, where it received more than 112,000 upvotes.

Reddit user Kryptosis suggested that "you can use the bathroom whenever you like" be added as a former relative with dementia believed they couldn't use the bathroom.

Hailley, a nurse from Canada, added:

"I had one resident where I worked who would be in tears because he was worried about his children and having to pay for his meals."

"It was sometimes tough to reassure him. We had to call his children to talk to him a few times. It was hard to see him so upset."

She expanded on her comment for the BBC:

"I have seen people talk down to those with dementia, which is just not right. They are still adults who know when they are being treated differently.

"People just do not know how to interact with them. It takes patience and you may not be able to have a conversation with them in the same way you would with someone without dementia.

"The whiteboard addresses what gets asked the most [by those] in long-term care."

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Family

Caring for older loved ones around the holidays? These 11 tips may help.

Helping the ones you love can go hand-in-hand with holiday cheer.

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AARP + the Ad Council

The holidays are right around the corner, and for many that means reuniting with family.

It's the perfect time to connect over delicious home-baked pies, laugh during competitive charades, and just generally spread good cheer to one another.

Via istock.

However, many older loved ones may not be able to participate in the holiday fun as easily as they once could.

Going up and down stairs may be more difficult now, and they might not be able to remember everyone they want to give gifts to. Or maybe they can no longer drive, which means getting to a particular destination on their own could be tough. Maybe they avoid going to a family gathering altogether because it just feels too hard.  

And if your loved one hasn't asked for help directly, it can be tough figuring out how to jump in and offer.

If you're just learning that they're developing limitations, the holidays are perhaps the best time to broach the conversation about their current or future care needs. There’s no better moment to make those extra efforts for the people you love.

Here are 11 things you can do around the holidays for your loved ones who might not know they need help.

1. Have a pre-holiday gathering to develop a caregiving plan.

Before your family get-together, touch base with everyone to make a plan about how everyone can best support your older loved one during the holidays; that way you can be sure they aren't left out of the festivities. Who will be picking up mom to bring her to dinner? Who's taking her shopping? Is someone shoveling her snow? Remember that caregiving doesn't need to be a solo effort.

2. Offer to take them holiday shopping.

Image via iStock.

If you've noticed they've had trouble driving lately, you can suggest taking them holiday shopping. After all, you're already going. Plus, it's a fun and meaningful way for you two to spend time together.

3. Bring gifts and family to them.

This is especially helpful if your older loved can't easily leave the house. If that's the case, why not arrange the holiday gathering plans around them so they can still be a part of the action? They can enjoy gifts, food, and fun all from the comfort of their home.

4. Use after-dinner time to maybe start a conversation about next steps.

The kids will likely be off playing, so it's an ideal time to bring up the subject of how you can be helpful to your older loved one. You don't want to ambush them, but the end of the year is a great time to touch base and ask your loved one how they feel the year has gone and what kind of care and support they might need in the new year.

As AARP's Prepare to Care Guide states, "a plan should never be made without the participation, knowledge, and consent of your loved one." By taking an opportunity to begin talking about it over dessert by the fireplace, it'll hopefully feel more like an open-ended conversation.

That said, if the timing doesn't feel right, you shouldn't force the issue. AARP's family caregiving expert Amy Goyer says you might use the holidays as a kick off point to schedule the conversation for a later date when everyone can feel up to speed and on the same page.

5. Help them feel included in the holiday festivities.

via istock.

For older loved ones with Alzheimer's or other memory loss issues, it's easy to just fade into the background, especially if they don't remember past holiday traditions. But the important thing to remember is that holidays are about being together, and no one should be left out. That's why AARP's family caregiving expert Amy Goyer stresses the importance of encouraging them to get involved in any way they want. From singing carols to decorating the Christmas tree, it's the little things that may spark some unexpected joy.

"Understand what’s meaningful for them," says Goyer. "Think about how you can adapt those things to fit their abilities."

6. Make them a unique holiday gift that will remind them how much they mean to you.

Maybe it's a scrapbook filled with photos of your family from past holidays that they can always flip through to remember wonderful moments. Or, perhaps it's a watch or necklace you had engraved. Gifts with a real personal touch are a constant reminder that they have family who loves them.

7. Ask them what fun activities they want to do during the holidays.

This is both a way for you to spend more time with your older loved one and make sure they're going out and doing things. List items could include visiting an obscure museum to something as simple as taking the afternoon to learn a cool new game. As loved ones age, they can begin to feel like they're losing their independence. Giving them the chance to decide what you'll do together can be a fun and empowering experience.

"It’s okay to create new traditions," stresses Goyer.

8. Encourage kids in the family to interview their elders.

Image via iStock.

Considering everyone has a recording device on their phones these days, this is an easy and fun thing to do before or after a holiday meal. Not only does it strengthen the bond between the generations, it also makes your older loved ones feel like their stories still matter. And at the end of it, you'll have their memories captured on tape to cherish for years to come.

9. Take a day or two and just focus on yourself.

This may sound counterintuitive to the season of giving, but if you've been dedicating a lot of time and effort to working out a caregiving plan, you may be burned out. If you don't take some time to recharge, you won't be useful to your older loved ones — or anyone for that matter. Finding that balance between caring for yourself and others is vital to keeping the care going.

10. Look at the holidays as a chance to test out new living situations.

Via Jennifer Martin/AARP.

If it seems like your older loved one can no longer live alone but isn't eager to change up their lifestyle, why not suggest they stay with you or a fellow family member over the holidays? It's an easy way to test out the new situation under ideal, aka celebratory, circumstances.

11. If you live far from your older loved one, figure out how you can help from a distance.

Image via iStock.

You may not be able to be the caregiver on the ground all year long, but that doesn't mean you can't do a lot for them. If you're going to be a point person for care but can't physically be there, make sure you have a local team of support lined up. Whether they're family, friends, or hired help, it's important to know someone can get to your loved one quickly and easily in an emergency.

The transition into caregiving can be difficult, but getting the ball rolling over the holidays might just make it a little easier.

And no matter what steps you choose to take, be sure to keep listening to your loved one throughout. They're a huge part of this new step, and their voice should always matter.

Of course, everyone's situation will be unique, but if you approach the adjustment thoughtfully and with love, it can make all the difference.

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One man's story about loving someone with an incurable disease.

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EMD Serono

Before she was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis, Rosanna loved to dance.

"Rosanna can dance to all kinds of music. Cha-cha, merengue, salsa, bolero, you name it," he laughs. "Now she dances in the car, sitting down. We pull up to a stop sign, and I say, 'Easy, girl!'"

Image via iStock.

Andy and Rosanna have been married for 38 years. Prior to her diagnosis, Rosanna was an executive secretary, the mother of two young boys, an avid chef, and a skilled dancer. Andy traveled often for work but always made time to see his sons' soccer games, jazz concerts, and marching band competitions at home in south Florida. Their family lived an active, busy, happy life. "It was happy moments," says Andy.

Then, two decades into their marriage, Rosanna was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis (MS). She was suddenly forced to contend with an unfamiliar, painful, debilitating disease. And Andy had to figure out how to play his role as her husband, caretaker, and lifeline.

"The past 18 years has been like a small roller coaster," says Andy. "It was very, very tough for both of us."

When Rosanna was diagnosed, neither she nor Andy knew what to expect. She became fatigued, began falling down, and experienced migraines. Together they read articles and went to different doctors. Andy drove them to her various appointments. "To Miami, it's about 65 miles, and she can't drive on the highway due to her MS symptoms. I took over driving to the doctor's office a long time ago," he says.

Eventually Rosanna found a routine that worked for her, and they settled into learning to live with, and trying to reduce, her MS relapses. But Rosanna had to leave her job to apply for disability — an application that would take over seven years to get approved. Andy had to leave his job, too.

"I gave up my job to be with her," Andy says. "I was traveling two, three days a week, and I was leaving her alone. I didn’t like that at all." He took a more stationary job and along with it the challenge of supporting his family and putting his older son through college while learning to help his wife live with MS.

Rosanna and Andy take on the challenges that life brings together. Image via Andy, used with permission.

An often overlooked element to a chronic condition like MS is how difficult it can be for loved ones to learn how to support someone who has it.

It's incredibly important for caregivers to make time to care for themselves — something that many people struggle with because it makes them feel selfish. But it's necessary.

For Andy, self-care comes in the form of his bike. "I've been riding a bicycle for the last 30 years. My relaxing time is riding my 30 miles. It takes my mind away from everything." It's even given him an opportunity to connect with and contribute to the MS community by participating in rides that raise funds for research.

Image via Andy, used with permission.

He and his wife also go to "CHATS," which are live events hosted by MS LifeLines (a patient support service), where they talk to others both in and out of the MS community about their experience living with the disease. "I enjoy it very much because there's MS patients we know and those we don't," Andy says.  

Telling their story helps them connect with the community and make friends who can relate to their experience. In addition to "CHATS," MS LifeLines provides an online resource called My Story, where people affected by MS can share their stories and read the stories of others going through a similar situation.

The #1 key to balancing it all, says Andy, is teamwork.

It can be hard to strike a balance of caring enough and caring too much. "At first, Rosanna was afraid to tell anybody what she had because she didn’t want to worry them," Andy says.

But with time and practice, they've found a balance that works for them. "I care for the house. I help her with the dishes," he says. Rosanna wanted to keep cooking for her husband, but with MS, that isn't always possible. "So I make dinner and she makes lunch," Andy says. "We work together as a team. That's the only way that you can help each other. I help her and she helps me."

At the end of the day, the best way to love someone with MS is by simply being a good partner.

MS causes all sorts of difficulties that fluctuate from day to day. "One day she’s in a bad mood, and I've got to deal with it," says Andy. "But I have bad moods, too. That's marriage, isn’t it?"

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