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Guys share the 9 worst 'alpha male' tips they've ever heard and it's so cringe

Do you wipe your butt thoroughly? Oops, you might be a beta.

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Alpha males share their cringe takes.

The 'manosphere' is a multi-million dollar industry. If you've never heard of it, you've probably heard of some of its major figureheads like Andrew Tate and Jordan Peterson. They profit by claiming to teach impressionable young men, and lonely older men, how to be alpha males so that they can attract more women, more success, and the respect and happiness they crave.

The advice usually starts out pretty innocuous. You've got to get in shape and get your life in order! But it quickly spirals into the deeply misogynistic and, from there, even the ludicrous.

Guys are sharing the worst 'alpha male' tips they've ever heard and, yeesh, are they painful to read. Most of these come from pretty extreme fringes of the men's movement, but the scary thing is that a lot of this stuff is really out there being recommended. Lucky for us, we get to laugh at how ridiculous it all is.

1. Real men don't eat salad / The all meat diet

meat, all meat diet, manly mealGiphy

Social media users on Reddit's r/AskMen subreddit sounded off in the thread:

"I once ordered a salad and water with some lemon and got razzed endlessly by the guys who were with me. Apparently, it was not a 'manly' meal. Joke’s on them, I was the only one among them that didn’t have a beer belly and probably artery disease."

"The number of guys who think it's unmanly to eat vegetables is insane."

It calls to mind Jordan Peterson's famous all-meat-and-only-meat diet. Never mind that eating outrageous amounts of meat is a great way to fast-track the destruction of the planet, almost all doctors and nutritionists agree that eating a diet of only or mostly meat is a horrible idea that deprives your body of many key nutrients. Too much meat can lead to high cholesterol and heart disease, among many other problems, including feeling absolutely horrible all the time.


2. Real men don't display love and affection for their partners

My father told me never say I love you to a woman and never buy a woman flowers. He's been divorced twice last time I talked to him.

Crying on your wedding day? Pathetic! The manfluencers would definitely have you believe that buying flowers, planning dates, or displaying any amount of sentimentality costs you crucial alpha points. Happy husbands everywhere would gladly disagree.

3. Sex with the woman on top / going down on a woman is not manly

So-called "alpha males" are supposed to sleep with tons of women, but only in an approved masculine manner. Being in any kind of sexually submissive position is, apparently, unmanly.

This one sparked plenty of jokes in the thread: "Fellas, is it gay to have sex with a woman?"

4. Wiping your butt is gay

confusion, gag, dumbGiphy

Yes, sadly, this is a real one. It's a documented phenomenon. Women are complaining all across the Internet upon discovering that the men they're with refuse to wipe their butts because...wait for it...touching in between your own butt cheeks is gay, and using hygiene products (including toilet paper!) is feminine.

"That is apparently a newer trend among some of the Andrew Tate toxic 'alpha male' crew. A couple women have complained on other reddit subs about their partners no longer wiping or washing his butt. The general response is to tell him that they didn't marry a toddler and he needs to wipe his ass or leave."

5. Carrying an umbrella or wearing a coat is girly

Men vs umbrellas. It's an ongoing war as old as time itself.

“Umbrellas are for protection,” an expert told Buzzfeed. “Men often interpret protection from the weather as a subtle sign of weakness. Social norms dictate that men shouldn’t be afraid of getting wet, should embrace the elements, and don’t need protection. As antiquated as this may sound, it still rings true for many men. ‘Real men don’t need an umbrella, because real men aren’t afraid of the rain.’”

Same goes for jackets and coats:

"Also, the whole 'men don’t need a jacket/coat/feel the cold.'Like DUDE it’s literally snowing and you’re shaking. Take my jacket you’re being sad rn"


6. Real men don't wear purple/pink

"My ex father in law told me 'real men don't wear purple.' It was a f*cking throwback Randy Moss jersey."

An oldie but a goodie: Real alphas don't wear girly colors! Only problem is, there's nothing inherently feminine about pink, purple, yellow, or any color, really. And that's not just lip service: Pink even used to be known as primarily a masculine color, so maybe we're the ones who have it backwards.


7. Alpha males don't cook

gif, cook, Gordon RamseyGiphy

"Men shouldn’t cook! …. I mean men don’t eat? So why shouldn’t they cook?"

"It's weird. When I tell people I do most of the cooking at home, I get weird faces and comments"

"[It's OK] to cook and get payed for it but if you do it for free for yourself or your family it’s weird."

This is a weird one, because outside of needing to occasionally cook for yourself so you, you know, don't die of starvation — many of the world's greatest and most successful chefs are men. Guess they're all beta losers!

8. Alpha males don't wash their hands, care about their appearance, or tend to basic hygiene

We've already learned the unfortunate truth that some men are too fragile in their heterosexuality to wipe their butt, but the problem sadly and grossly extends even further.

"Every time I go to the bathroom I reckon about a third of men actually wash their hands and half of that use soap"

Maybe it's because they're being told by segments of the manosphere that wanting to be clean or, God forbid, smell good, is girly and beta behavior.


9. Real men save up their magical semen

The manosphere has all kinds of ridiculous notions about male reproductive fluid, including that it can cure women's depression and that they can get addicted to it. Really! They also say it contains a man's life force and must be cherished at all costs.

"Most proponents of semen retention also say it gives them more confidence and self-control, less anxiety and depression, increased motivation, better memory, concentration and improved cognitive function," say the experts at Healthy Male. "Again, there is no evidence to support these claims."

For the record, there really is no such thing as "alpha males" in humans.

The term is loosely based on a problematic and recanted study involving the social hierarchies of wolves. Even in some primate species, where alphas do exist, it's rarely based on which one is the biggest or strongest alone. Humans are more complicated still. There are traits in men that are correlated with "social dominance," like being tall, having a deep voice, or sporting a handsome face. But there really is no one type of male person that is better or more desirable than another, and there is no exact set of behaviors that can be adopted to guarantee all the riches life has to offer. Even if there was, I'd be willing to bet that "not wiping your butt," would not be one of them.

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Dads, it's time to reassess how we're raising our kids — especially our boys.

Parents and carers, listen up:

The development of emotional literacy and intelligence is not a task we can outsource to a school system, youth group, or sports club.

This training is our task, our responsibility. It’s true home-work. An inside job.

I'm the father of two boys under 10, and someone who works professionally in the space of emotional intelligence. And even I have to admit it’s a challenge to give the gift of emotional intelligence. But it’s worth it.

Here are a few things I’m learning (and yes — I am still learning!). These are my ABCs.

Three basic things to remember:

A. Always model well.

My boys watch me, model me, and follow me. Whether it’s good, bad, or ugly, kids learn their emotional cues from their parents. My boys learn especially from me, as I'm the primary male in their life.

They watch how I treat their mum and how I welcome their friends when they come to visit. They watch how I discipline their siblings and how I handle stress. They pay attention to how I talk to others, treat others, and love others. They see me cry when I need. I’m a walking emotional classroom.

Parents, there’s no getting around this: your boys are watching.

So ...

Be self-aware. Be the change you wish to see in the world. Walk in love. Apologize quickly and sincerely. Sort your own crap out. Keep doing the heart journey. Be willing to back-track and explain your actions and reactions — right or wrong.

B. Believe your boys.

“I’m bored!” “I too tired!” “I can’t do it.” “I hate her!” “That hurts!” “It tastes yuck!” “I’m scared.”

Sound familiar? (Like, every day!).

If we respond with: “That doesn’t hurt.” “You’re not tired.” “You don’t hate her.” “Don’t be scared.” or “How can you be bored?” — how on earth can the boy learn to trust and label his own emotions?

It's no wonder we have so many shut down adult men who can’t put words to what they feel. Many were shamed for sharing feelings, and when they did share, they were told they were wrong.

So ...

Parents, we have to validate what our boys are sharing. Believe them when they share their emotions and feelings. It’s vital. Dads, we have to stop holding our sons to an impossible and destructive standard of masculinity (one that even we can't measure up to!). It’s not helping.

Respond by believing your boys. Use simple reflective listening skills by validating them in phrases like: “I can see you’re tired”, “You hate her, huh? Tell me why”, “That can be scary.”, ”I'm sorry you're feeling bored.” (Btw, it doesn’t mean you have to fix the problems. Just believe them first and see what happens).

C. Call out the gold in your boys.

I've spent years studying and teaching on the power of blessing across cultures. I can’t tell you the number of people I’ve cried with, prayed for, and given counsel to whose fathers totally sucked at the blessing of simple encouragement!

In fact, many fathers did the opposite of calling out the gold by calling out the problems, faults, and failings of their children. It’s incredibly traumatizing and irresponsible. It really pisses me off.

Boys whose dads are in their lives need their dads' unconditional love, approval, and acceptance. Think for a minute: how many movies contain a theme of a boy (or adult boy) looking for his father’s approval? So many! It’s hardwired into us and essential for emotional health and literacy.

So ...

Remember, blessing is not a reward for good behavior. Blessing is our right, as humans.

Like nurture, safety, and community, we NEED the good things in us called out by others. Drop the nitpicking and criticism, instead find some things that your boy likes, has a knack for, or is interested in and encourage him with words.

It could sound as simple as, “Man, you love soccer? That’s great!” or “You’re a kind young man, kinder than me. I’m proud of you, son," or “I know it’s not the mark you wanted, but I don’t care, I can see you’ve tried. I'll cheer you on no matter the outcome.”

Finally, let me add something that may help in your journey to teach emotional literacy.

This isn't about being an amazing, perfect, or super-fun, always-happy dad.

In my 14 years of parenting, I've learned that being a "good-enough" dad is the kindest and fairest standard to hold against myself and others.

If I'm a "good enough" dad, and I at least remember my ABCs, then I’m well on my way to gifting my children with the emotional literacy they need to move forward into the world of adolescence and adulthood.

This story originally appeared on davidtensen.com and is reprinted here with permission.

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I'm teaching my 6- and 7-year-old boys about consent. Here's how it's gone so far.

Photo by saeed karimi on Unsplash

The scenarios of parenting have many hurdles in order to offer a healthy way of approaching life.

The second week of first grade, my 6-year-old son came home and told me, very seriously, "Mama, I have a girlfriend, and I love her."

I didn't laugh at him or tell him he is too young to have a girlfriend, and I didn't minimize his feelings. We had a very serious conversation about his girlfriend: what he likes about her, what they talk about at lunch, and what games they play on the playground at recess. I asked questions about her; some he knew the answers to, and some he didn't.

Nearly every day after that for some time, we talked about his girlfriend, and in every conversation, in some way, we talked about consent — what it means, what it looks like, and how I expect him to act.

I didn't objectify the little girl by referring to her as "your little girlfriend" as I've heard other adults tease their own children. I didn't make jokes about him being a heartbreaker or tell him that the girls will be falling all over him by high school. I didn't tell him his feelings don't matter — and I definitely didn't tell him her feelings don't matter. I think the seeds of misogyny are planted with words as much as behavior, and I treated his emotions seriously because, for him, being in love for the first time is the most serious thing in the world. He will remember this little girl just as I remember my first boyfriend, and how I handle things now is setting the tone for the future.

I wasn't expecting to have these conversations in the context of a relationship quite so soon.

His older brother is more introverted, with the exception of the occasional fleeting crush. But I have been talking about consent and modeling it since my sons were babies.

The idea that young men need to learn about consent in high school or college goes hand-in-hand with the idea that sex education shouldn't be taught before then, either. Consent is an ongoing conversation in our home, framed to suit the situation. But now that my son has a girlfriend, I'm finding ways to introduce the concept of consent within a relationship on a level that he can understand.

From the time my sons were very little — before they could even talk — I started teaching them about body autonomy and consent.

"Do you want me to tickle you?" "Can I pick you up?" "Do you want me to brush your hair?"

I would ask whenever I could, waiting for their response before proceeding. Yes, of course, there are times when a young child needs to be picked up or hair needs to be brushed whether they want it or not, but there are just as many times when children can be given — and deserve — the right to choose. And so I let them decide whenever I can.

Teaching them that no one can touch them without permission was the first step in teaching them about respecting the boundaries of others.

I model the respect I expect them to extend to others. It is an ongoing lesson, as the most important lessons always are.

Of course they fight — what siblings don't? But I teach them that, whatever the game or activity, if someone says "Stop!" or "No!" they are to stop what they are doing.

To that end, I try to stay out of their squabbles and give them time to sort them out. If they don't stop, there are consequences. We talk about how it feels to have someone keep chasing, tickling, or bothering you when you've told them to stop. I watch their empathy for others grow as they consider how it feels to be little and have grownups want to touch their faces or hug them without permission. They're learning, and it gives me hope.

But now I'm having daily conversations with my youngest son about girlfriends and what is — and isn't — OK.

He knows he has to ask if she wants a hug before he touches her. He knows that it's rude to refer to her as "my girlfriend" when talking about her and that it's better, and more respectful, to use her name.

He knows that if he gives her a gift, he should give her a chance to respond instead of inundating her with more gifts. "Let's wait and see how she feels about this lovely picture you made her before you draw another one," I tell him, explaining how overwhelming it can be to have someone give you gifts when you're not ready for them or haven't had a chance to return the affection. Of course, I'm thinking about the boy I knew my junior year of high school who would constantly leave me trinkets of his affection at my locker — affection that wasn't reciprocated and made me uncomfortable, especially after I asked him to stop.

I don't know if I'm doing this right, honestly.

There are times when I think to myself, "But he's only 6! Why are we even having this conversation?" And then I remind myself, "If not now, when?"

I know what it means to be a girl in this world, and my sons are starting to hear my #MeToo stories, the ones they're old enough to understand. How do I talk about what's wrong in the world if I'm not willing to talk about the right behaviors, the right way to treat women?

I know my sons have a good role model in their father and in our marriage. I know they watch how my husband interacts with me, and I see it reflected in how they treat me. It's a start, but I know it's not enough in a world that sends mixed messages to boys about girls and how to treat them.

It's been eye-opening, seeing how my children regard consent.

I've seen how those early lessons in teaching them about their own right to say no have gone a long way in teaching them the empathy and respect they show for others now.

I know we're not done; we're only just starting. I know it's only going to get more complicated as they get older.

But at the end of the day, no matter their age, the core lesson is the same: respect people, care about how they are feeling in your interactions with them, and remember that others have a right to feel differently than you do and to set boundaries for what is OK with them. The situations will change, but those words will be repeated again and again.

Teaching consent is not a one-time discussion. It's something I want my sons to think about every single day.

This story originally appeared on Ravishly and is reprinted here with permission. More from Ravishly:

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    This man is helping end toxic masculinity one kitten lunchbox at a time.

    Cats are the undisputed rulers of the internet.

    And because recent research suggests that our feline friends would murder us all if they weren't so small, it's probably best that we continue appeasing them by purchasing shirts, mugs, and all other manner of cat-branded accoutrements to continue showing our undying fealty to these juggernauts of the animal kingdom.

    There's one problem, though: Despite the fact that cats are metal AF, they're somehow still seen as animals "only girls like."

    Ridiculous, right? One man certainly thought so. And he's doing something about it.

    In an April 2 Facebook post that's gone viral, David Pendragon told a story that's both heartbreaking and uplifting.

    It involves his cousin's 10-year-old son, who was bullied for bringing a dope-ass lunchbox covered in a violently hued array of kittens to school.

    From Pendragon's post:

    "My cousin, Emily, has a 10 year old son named Ryker. Ryker, who loves cats, was very excited to get his new lunchbox. Unfortunately because of its colors, or because it has cats, or both he was teased about it by other boys in his class. He even wanted to stop taking his lunch so he wouldn't be teased about it any longer."

    How messed up is that? Spoiler alert: very.

    Of all the everyday disappointments of being a kid, I can think of nothing sadder than being told you shouldn't enjoy something just because it's "girly."

    My cousin, Emily, has a 10 year old son named Ryker. Ryker, who loves cats, was very excited to get his new lunchbox....

    Posted by David Pendragon on Monday, April 2, 2018

    What's wrong with being "girly"? Absolutely nothing.

    But it's that kind of thinking that can trap boys in patterns of toxic masculinity (via harmful messages like "men don't show emotions," "men don't cry," and "men should reject anything that's considered to be feminine") and demean women.

    And yet, as a society, we continue to perpetuate this idea for no other reason than "that's the way it's always been."

    But it hasn't.

    Did you know that pink used to be a "boy" color?

    A quick bit of history: It wasn't until the 1940s that blue became synonymous with boys. In fact, for a long time, Smithsonian.com notes, boys would wear white dresses and have long hair until the age of 6 or 7. This was seen as gender neutral. When colors came into the picture, pink was initially seen as the most "masculine" option.

    In 1918, pink was prescribed for boys due to it being a "more decided and stronger color," having been derived from the bold color red. For girls? The "delicate and dainty" blue.

    But it got even more complicated, with shifting trends suggesting that blue and pink weren't about gender at all, but about babies' coloring. Have a blond kid? Wrap 'em up in blue. Your baby's first hairs showing up a dark auburn? Swaddle 'em in pink.

    In 1927, Smithsonian.com adds, Time magazine published an article informing parents which colors were "appropriate" based on sales at top department stores. The color for boys? Pink.

    So, what changed? Manufacturers interpreted these changing customer preferences and switched things up. Generations since have been passing down the idea that boys and girls have specific, gender-prescribed color preferences.

    And sometimes, when these views are challenged, moral panic ensues.

    Remember what happened when Target decided to go gender neutral for in-store signs advertising kids' clothes and toys? Or the much-to-do that occurred when a father bought his daughter a "Little Mermaid" doll? (That kid's got good taste, by the way. Ariel's the undisputed best of all the Disney princesses.)

    Forcing kids into gender roles at a young age is harmful.

    As Cassandra Stone points out on Scary Mommy, making kids choose what they like based on how their genitalia looked at birth is breaking their spirits and setting them on a path of self-denial.

    Why shouldn't a girl love monster trucks? And why shouldn't a boy love kittens? Or dresses? There really isn't any reason except a desperate clinging to archaic thinking. (Check out FDR rocking a white dress and long hair in 1884. He grew up to be president.)

    And isn't that what we should really be focusing on — making the world a safer place for everyone to express themselves? It's more important to make sure that all kids learn it's OK to be themselves.

    Pendragon agrees. That's why he's stepping up for his cousin in the best way possible.

    "So I have ordered the same lunchbox for myself and proudly carried it to work today at my large, conservative, corporate workplace," he wrote. "I've told anyone who asked the story behind my lunchbox and ... they all stand with Ryker too."

    "There's no one way to be a man," he added. "Men can be colorful. Men can be expressive. Men can be emotional and silly and gleeful."

    Most importantly? Men (and boys) can step up for others to end the notion that we can't like what we like and feel what we feel. It's up to us to encourage each other to just be ourselves.

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