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Relationship experts give three good reasons for staying friends with your ex

"Friendships are possible. Heavy emphasis on possible."

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A an ex-couple laughs together.

Breakups are never fun. In fact, they can be downright excruciating. But the aftermath doesn't have to be. The truth is we often click with people, get swept away by potential, love them in a big way and then watch the whole thing run its course. Or worse, get blindsided by their change of heart when yours is still bleeding for them.

break-ups, love, heartbreak, friendshipA sad message on a bathroom wall. Photo by Maria Oswalt on Unsplash

The question that so often comes is: where does the love go? Are there enough ingredients of affection that you can salvage and repurpose it into a friendship? Many relationship experts (and non-experts around the world) have differing opinions.

Some supply these answers by asking questions. In the article "3 Ways to Know if Staying Friends with an Ex is Possible – By a Psychologist" for Forbes, Mark Travers, PhD, states there are a few basic questions you should ask yourself before making this decision.

1) Were you friends before you dated?

Travers shares, "A classic study conducted by researchers at Illinois State University found that ex-partners were significantly more likely to remain friends after their breakup if they were friends before beginning their romantic relationship."

2) Why do you think your ex wants to remain friends?

Travers cites another study at the University of Kansas which claims there are "four main motivations for staying friends with an ex-romantic partner." They are: "Security, Practicality, Civility, Unresolved romantic desires." He notes that if the friendship is motivated by the latter (unresolved romantic desires), it's probably unlikely and ill-advised to pursue a platonic relationship post-breakup.

3) Why do YOU want to remain friends?

Again, Travers urges one to ask themselves what their motivation is. Do you have lingering feelings? Are you just not good with change? Is it a Band-Aid until you can fully explore your feelings?

friendship, breakup, heartbreak, loveFriendship necklace breaking. Giphy GIF by Diary of a Wimpy Kid

Other therapists offer up ways to help self-reflect as well. In Vogue India, Jenna Ryu writes, "Deciding to keep this person in your life isn’t just about whether you can make it work. It’s also about whether it’s healthy and mutually beneficial in the long run."

She cites Zoe Shaw, PsyD, and host of Stronger in the Difficult Places podcast, who has a few questions of her own, including in part: "Have you had enough time since the break-up to think clearly? Do you still feel hurt, resentment, or nostalgia about the breakup? Could I still be friends with them if they started dating someone new?"

So let's say you pass the test questions and your reasons for wanting to stay friends, although not always black-and-white, come from a healthy and secure place. (And, of course, there's no toxic energy that's unresolved.) Then the following are absolute reasons you SHOULD stay buds:

  • You simply like one another.
  • Your lives are intertwined (you share a child, a pet, a group of friends) and it's just easier to be civil.
  • You were already friends before you got romantic—no reason to change it.

Redditors have thoughts. In the subreddit r/BreakUps, someone simply asks, "Did you stay friends with your ex?" Hundreds of comments flood the page, and they don't hold back. Some are all for it. "It sound weird but I don't want to not be friends with him as he is someone I care about dearly."

Others, not so much: "Absolutely not. You don’t want all of me, you don’t get the bits you do want."

breakups, friendship, love, heartbreak A man clearly states he's breaking up with you.Giphy Amazon Prime Video, I Want You Back movie

And still some give thoughtful, yet complicated answers: "To be friends with an ex, one needs to stop caring—stop caring about the romantic relationship. One must be able to say, 'I would be okay to go out to dinner with my ex-partner and her new boyfriend/fiancé.'"

One person notes, "Friendships are possible. Heavy emphasis on possible."

But for this person, it's probably out of the question: "She tried to stab me with a screwdriver."

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Family

The tragic reason Tamron Hall painted a fingernail purple to end domestic abuse.

In 2004, Tamron Hall's sister, Renate, was found beaten to death in the backyard of her Houston, Texas, home.

She'd had a history of relationships with abusive men.

As you can imagine, the loss was devastating to Hall, a co-anchor on the "Today" show. She was forever changed.

Photo by Robin Marchant/Getty Images for SiriusXM.

"No one deserves what happened to my sister," Hall told People magazine in April 2016. "For a long time I was hesitant about sharing our story. I didn't want to be another well-known person saying, 'Look what happened to me and my family.' But then I said, 'Screw that. I can save a life.'"

That's why Hall is sporting one purple-painted nail on her left hand.

New profile pic. Watch tomorrow #todaystake as we #putthenailinit @safehorizon 9et for more ...

A photo posted by Tamron Hall (@tamronhall) on

Hall stars in a new PSA for Safe Horizon's #PutTheNailInIt campaign aimed at ending domestic violence.

The PSA by Safe Horizon — a nonprofit aimed at empowering the survivors of and preventing domestic abuse — encourages viewers to paint their left ring-finger nail purple (the color of the anti-domestic violence movement) in a show of solidarity.

The campaign has been an ongoing initiative for the group, but Hall's latest PSA is bringing renewed interest to efforts to #PutTheNailInIt just days before the start of October, Domestic Violence Awareness Month.

Domestic abuse is a topic that gets attention but not nearly enough.

1 in 4 adult women and 1 in 7 adult men will experience violence at the hands of an intimate partner at some point in their lifetime.

Those stats are alarming enough, but the prevalence of domestic abuse across the U.S. is even more sobering when you dissect the numbers behind the groups that affected even more.

Black women are nearly three times more likely to be murdered by an intimate partner than women from other racial backgrounds.

Women of color, and particularly black women, are disproportionately affected by domestic violence. Black women are nearly three times more likely to be murdered by an intimate partner than women from other racial backgrounds.

Although the issue remains under-researched within the queer community, the data we do have suggests partner abuse is disproportionately affecting all genders and sexual orientations across the LGBTQ spectrum, particularly transgender survivors of domestic abuse.

We need to be talking about this.

Those disturbing stats are why you'll see other celebrities speaking out in Safe Horizon's PSA too.

Stars like rock star Dave Navarro.

"When my mother's life was taken by a domestic abuser, I unfortunately was a witness to how domestic violence can not only destroy the victim's life, but the lives of friends and family members," Navarro said in a statement.

GIF via Safe Horizon.

And actor Alan Cumming.

"Domestic violence can affect anyone," Cumming said. "Whether gay or straight, we need to have zero tolerance for domestic violence, and I salute full-heartedly Safe Horizon’s #PutTheNailInIt campaign for advocating exactly that."

GIF via Safe Horizon.

And actress Kyra Sedgwick.

"As a woman and a mother of a young woman, the prevalence of domestic violence horrifies me," Sedgwick said. "Domestic violence is a secret, insidious, and rampant epidemic that is so often kept shamefully behind closed doors."

GIF via Safe Horizon.

To Hall, our unified efforts can end domestic violence. We just have to stand together.

"My sister’s memory is important to me and I want to uplift her name to help those families and victims who have felt alone," Hall explained in a statement. "Since opening up and sharing our story, I've been approached by countless people who have taken a stand. If we stand shoulder-to-shoulder we create a wall of protection."

Watch these stars and others support the #PutTheNailInIt campaign below:

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