I'm a sexual assault survivor. This is how you can help me feel safe in Trump's America.
After the election, this is what one sexual assault survivor wants you to know.
Yesterday, I put on my makeshift pantsuit and cried happy tears as I made my way across state lines to cast my vote for Hillary Clinton.
But I didn't just cast my vote for her, the woman who would've been our first female president. I cast my vote against Donald Trump, a man who has had multiple women come forward to levy assault allegations at him.
My candidate lost the election. But as a sexual assault survivor, I lost even more.
I spent most of last night comforting fellow survivors. They were having panic attacks in their rooms. They were driving aimlessly, afraid to go home. They were out with friends, dissociating.
I knew I was going to wake up to a different America, one full of people who confirmed my biggest fear with their votes.
This election confirmed what so many other groups now know: I am not protected. It is not safe to be a survivor of sexual assault in America.
With a few hundred electoral votes counted, I felt exactly as I had right after my assault: numb.
The silver lining in all of this is that when I was done crying and staring at the ceiling, I picked up my phone and saw dozens of texts from friends checking in from across the country. I knew I had people in my corner. That's what got me out of bed this morning.
But it's only Wednesday. The week is young. Our president-elect hasn't even taken office yet.
So this is what I need from you right now: I need your endorsement.
No, I'm not staging a one-woman coup. This isn't me begging for a recount, either. I'm asking for a do-over, but not a do-over election.
You're voting in tiny yet profound ways every single day, and this matters. This is the do-over.
You vote when you laugh at a rape joke. You vote when you explain away an actor's — or a candidate's — history of violence against women. You vote when you refuse to step in when you see someone's consent being violated. You vote when you ignore statistics that say we're all around you, watching you, hoping you'll do something to support us.
And with every vote, you're endorsing either the survivor or the assailant. So what do I need from you? This week, I need you to ask yourself:"If I do this, if I vote like this, who will be in power? Will I be endorsing the survivor? Or will I be casting my vote for the assailant?"
Right now, even if you don't know it, you're surrounded by survivors who are afraid and struggling. They're your coworkers and friends and family members and strangers, and they all have one thing in common: They're waiting to see if they can trust you.
This week, I'm asking you to empower those who have had their power taken away.
We can't change what happened last night, but you can help support survivors moving forward.
Speak out. Promote a crisis hotline. Donate to a local rape crisis organization. Make it clear that regardless of who is in the highest office in this land, you will do what it takes to support survivors.
If I can ask anything from you this week, it's your endorsement. I need an ally. I need someone in my corner, someone who has my back. I need someone who will fight with me as we work to protect other people who are oppressed and scared, someone who will text me at 5 a.m., and call out awful rape jokes, and take care of me.
Can I count on you?
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12 non-threatening leadership strategies for women
We mustn't hurt a man's feelings.
Men and the feels.
Note: This an excerpt is from Sarah Cooper's book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings.
In this fast-paced business world, female leaders need to make sure they're not perceived as pushy, aggressive, or competent.
One way to do that is to alter your leadership style to account for the fragile male ego.
Should men accept powerful women and not feel threatened by them? Yes. Is that asking too much?
IS IT?
Sorry, I didn't mean to get aggressive there. Anyhoo, here are twelve non-threatening leadership strategies for women.
Encourage.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When setting a deadline, ask your coworker what he thinks of doing something, instead of just asking him to get it done. This makes him feel less like you're telling him what to do and more like you care about his opinions.
Sharing ideas.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When sharing your ideas, overconfidence is a killer. You don't want your male coworkers to think you're getting all uppity. Instead, downplay your ideas as just "thinking out loud," "throwing something out there," or sharing something "dumb," "random," or "crazy."
Email requests.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pepper your emails with exclamation marks and emojis so you don't come across as too clear or direct. Your lack of efficient communication will make you seem more approachable.
Idea sharing.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
If a male coworker steals your idea in a meeting, thank him for it. Give him kudos for how he explained your idea so clearly. And let's face it, no one might've ever heard it if he hadn't repeated it.
Sexism.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you hear a sexist comment, the awkward laugh is key. Practice your awkward laugh at home, with your friends and family, and in the mirror. Make sure you sound truly delighted even as your soul is dying inside.
Mansplain.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Men love explaining things. But when he's explaining something and you already know that, it might be tempting to say, "I already know that." Instead, have him explain it to you over and over again. It will make him feel useful and will give you some time to think about how to avoid him in the future.
Mistakes.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Pointing out a mistake is always risky so it's important to always apologize for noticing the mistake and then make sure that no one thinks you're too sure about it. People will appreciate your "hey what do I know?!" sensibilities.
Promotions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Asking your manager for a promotion could make you seem power- hungry, opportunistic, and transparent. Instead, ask a male coworker to vouch for you. Have your coworker tell your manager you'd be great for the role even though you don't really want it. This will make you more likely to actually get that promotion.
Rude.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Sometimes not everyone is properly introduced at the start of a meeting. Don't take it personally even if it happens to you all the time, and certainly don't stop the meeting from moving forward to introduce yourself. Sending a quick note afterward is the best way to introduce yourself without seeming too self-important.
Interruptions.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When you get interrupted, you might be tempted to just continue talking or even ask if you can finish what you were saying. This is treacherous territory. Instead, simply stop talking. The path of least resistance is silence.
Collaboration.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When collaborating with a man, type using only one finger. Skill and speed are very off-putting.
Disagreements.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
When all else fails, wear a mustache so everyone sees you as more man-like. This will cancel out any need to change your leadership style. In fact, you may even get a quick promotion!
In conclusion...
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
Many women have discovered the secret power of non-threatening leadership. We call it a "secret power" because no one else actually knows about it. We keep our power hidden within ourselves so that it doesn't frighten and intimidate others. That's what makes us the true unsung heroes of the corporate world.
About the Author: Sarah Cooper
Sarah Cooper is a writer, comedian, and author of 100 Tricks to Appear Smart in Meetings. Her new book, How to Be Successful Without Hurting Men's Feelings, is out now.
The comedic book cover.
With permission from Sarah Cooper.
A satirical take on what it's like to be a woman in the workplace, Cooper draws from her experience as a former executive in the world of tech (she's a former Googler and Yahooer). You can get the book here.
This article was originally published on March 25, 2019.