Former police officer explains why he didn’t shoot a woman who ran at him with a knife
The question of when cops are justified in using deadly force is a tricky one. Some circumstances are clear cut—if a gunman is actively firing on a crowd of people, for example, we’d all agree that a police officer shooting them would be the right thing to do. But other circumstances are much fuzzier and…
The question of when cops are justified in using deadly force is a tricky one.
Some circumstances are clear cut—if a gunman is actively firing on a crowd of people, for example, we’d all agree that a police officer shooting them would be the right thing to do. But other circumstances are much fuzzier and elicit tough questions. Should an officer shoot if just their own life is in danger? Most would agree they have a right to self-defense. But how is that determination made? What if an officer *thinks* someone has a weapon, but isn’t sure? What if a person appears threatening, but clearly is having a mental breakdown? That’s where things get gray real quick.
Most of us have never been in one of those situations and never will be. So one way those of us who don’t wear a badge can explore those gray areas is by listening to the stories of those who have.
J.J. Hensley is a former police officer as well as a former special agent with the U.S. Secret Service. If anyone knows the constant vigilance and readiness law enforcement requires, it’s him. And he shared a personal story on Twitter that exemplifies how not-so-clear-cut armed encounters can be, even with people who have weapons and are not complying with officer orders.
“A woman ran at me with a knife once. I was responding to a domestic and she flew out the front door, huge knife in hand, & came right at me. I drew my weapon, yelled ‘police,’ told her to drop the knife. She didn’t. At some point, I’d drawn my weapon.
I don’t know why I didn’t shoot. I could have shot her. If I would have, I would been cleared. In fact, I may have been given a citation for bravery or some nonsense for what would have been a reflexive reaction to my training. But, I didn’t shoot at the first opportunity.”
“The woman veered off & ran around me, straight to her car. She jumped in behind the wheel, still holding the knife. The next thing I knew I was at the side window. I didn’t shoot. I extended my baton, broke the window, and told her to drop the knife and get out. I didn’t shoot.
She screamed and started the car. I didn’t shoot. The car moved. I didn’t shoot. A short pursuit ensued and she was taken into custody. When I asked her why she ran at me with the knife, she had no idea what I was talking about.”
“In her extreme distress, she had run out of the house, tears flooding her eyes, intending to harm herself and never saw me on the walkway in front of the house. I could have shot her. That was in the middle of the night in 1998 or 1999 and I still think about that incident.
So, why? Why didn’t I shoot her? She was certainly a threat to my life. She was potentially close enough to stab or slash me before I could stop her. I think this is why – In my heart, I didn’t WANT to shoot anyone. I didn’t go into law enforcement looking to shoot anyone.”
“In addition to the ‘us vs them’ mentality that is drilled into those who enter the profession, I think something else is happening today. I don’t think it’s the training (my current profession). I think it’s the hiring and the culture.
Until major police reform that includes national training and pay standards is addressed, we are going to continue to see a real problem in this nation. Law enforcement needs to be a true profession. Simply batting off criticism with ‘Back the Badge’ memes isn’t the answer.”
“Call it want you want: ‘Reform,’ ‘Defund,’ ‘Restructure’… it doesn’t matter. A major ideological shift has to occur or the ‘us vs them’ mantra in policing will become a reality and the ‘us’ isn’t going to be a pretty picture.”
Hensley also shared an article he wrote about police reform after the killing of George Floyd. He talks about the difference between the need for a change in training and a change of culture. He shares the speech the nation needed to hear from its president. And he concludes with, “I have spent nearly my entire adult life in and around law enforcement, and officers and agents are vocal in their complaints about their agencies and departments, yet no other profession, to include the rank and file, fights change as much as law enforcement.” That time has to come to an end.You can read it here.
Thanks you, Mr. Hensley, for sharing your expertise to help those of us who know change needs to happen—but don’t have the experience to know what that change should look like—understand the issues more clearly.
In a small village in Pwani, a district on Tanzania’s coast, a massive dance party is coming to a close. For the past two hours, locals have paraded through the village streets, singing and beating ngombe drums; now, in a large clearing, a woman named Sheilla motions for everyone to sit facing a large projector screen. A film premiere is about to begin.
It’s an unusual way to kick off a film about gender bias, inequality, early marriage, and other barriers that prevent girls from accessing education in Tanzania. But in Pwani and beyond, local organizations supported by Malala Fund and funded by Pura are finding creative, culturally relevant ways like this one to capture people’s interest.
The film ends and Sheilla, the Communications and Partnership Lead for Media for Development and Advocacy (MEDEA), stands in front of the crowd once again, asking the audience to reflect: What did you think about the film? How did it relate to your own experience? What can we learn?
Sheilla explains that, once the community sees the film, “It brings out conversations within themselves, reflective conversations.” The resonance and immediate action create a ripple effect of change.
MEDEA Screening Audience in Tanzania. Captured by James Roh for Pura
Across Tanzania, gender-based violence often forces adolescent girls out of the classroom. This and other barriers — including child marriage, poverty, conflict, and discrimination — prevent girls from completing their education around the world.
Sheilla and her team are using film and radio programs to address the challenges girls face in their communities. MEDEA’s ultimate goal is to affirm education as a fundamental right for everyone, and to ensure that every member of a community understands how girls’ education contributes to a stronger whole and how to be an ally for their sisters, daughters, granddaughters, friends, nieces, and girlfriends.
Sheilla’s story is one of many that inspired Heart on Fire, a new fragrance from the Pura x Malala Fund Collection that blends the warm, earthy spices of Tanzania with a playful, joyful twist. Here’s how Pura is using scent as a tool to connect the world and inspire action.
A partnership focused on local impact, on a global mission
Pura, a fragrance company that recognizes education as both freedom and a human right, has partnered with Malala Fund since 2022. In order to defend every girl’s right to access and complete 12 years of education, Malala Fund partners with local organizations in countries where the educational barriers are the greatest. They invest in locally-led solutions because they know that those who are closest to the problems are best equipped to solve and build durable solutions, like MEDEA, which works with communities to challenge discrimination against girls and change beliefs about their education.
But local initiatives can thrive and scale more powerfully with global support, which is why Pura is using their own superpower, the power of scent, to connect people around the world with the women and girls in these local communities.
The Pura x Malala Fund Collection incorporates ingredients naturally found in Tanzania, Nigeria, Pakistan, and Brazil: countries where Malala Fund operates to address systemic education barriers. Eight percent of net revenue from the Pura x Malala Fund Collection will be donated to Malala Fund directly, but beyond financial support, the Collection is also a love letter to each unique community, blending notes like lemon, jasmine, cedarwood, and clove to transport people, ignite their senses, and help them draw inspiration and hope from the global movement for girls’ education. Through scent, people can connect to the courage, joy, and tenacity of girls and local leaders, all while uniting in a shared commitment to education: the belief that supporting girls’ rights in one community benefits all of us, everywhere.
You’ve already met Sheilla. Now see how Naiara and Mama Habiba are building unique solutions to ensure every girl can learn freely and dare to dream.
Naiara Leite is reimagining what’s possible in Brazil
Julia with Odara in Brazil. Captured by Luisa Dorr for Pura
In Brazil, where pear trees and coconut plantations cover the Northeastern Coast, girls like ten-year-old Julia experience a different kind of educational barrier than girls in Tanzania. Too often, racial discrimination contributes to high dropout rates among Black, quilombola and Indigenous girls in the country.
“In the logic of Brazilian society, Black people don’t need to study,” says Naiara Leite, Executive Coordinator of Odara, a women-led organization and Malala Fund partner. Bahia, the state where Odara is based, was once one of the largest slave-receiving territories in the Americas, and because of that history, deeply-ingrained, anti-Black prejudice is still widespread. “Our role and the image constructed around us is one of manual labor,” Naiara says.
But education can change that. In 2020, with assistance from a Malala Fund grant, Odara launched its first initiative for improving school completion rates among Black, quilombola, and Indigenous girls: “Ayomidê Odara”. The young girls mentored under the program, including Julia, are known as the Ayomidês. And like the Pura x Malala Fund Collection’s Brazil: Breath of Courage scent, the Ayomidês are fierce, determined, and bursting with energy.
Ayomidês with Odara in Brazil. Captured by Luisa Dorr for Pura
Ayomidês take part in weekly educational sessions where they explore subjects like education and ethnic-racial relations. The girls are encouraged to find their own voices by producing Instagram lives, social media videos, and by participating in public panels. Already, the Ayomidês are rewriting the narrative on what’s possible for Afro-Brazilian girls to achieve. One of the earliest Ayomidês, a young woman named Debora, is now a communications intern. Another former Ayomidê, Francine, works at UNICEF, helping train the next generation of adolescent leaders. And Julia has already set her sights on becoming a math teacher or a model.
“These are generations of Black women who did not have access to a school,” Naiara says. “These are generations of Black women robbed daily of their dreams. And we’re telling them that they could be the generation in their family to write a new story.”
Mama Habiba is reframing the conversation in Nigeria
Centre for Girls' Education, Nigeria. Captured by James Roh for Pura
In Mama Habiba’s home country of Nigeria, the scents of starfruit, ylang ylang and pineapple, all incorporated into the Pura x Malala Collection’s “Nigeria: Hope for Tomorrow,” can be found throughout the vibrant markets. Like these native scents, Mama Habiba says that the Nigerian girls are also bright and passionate, but too often they are forced to leave school long before their potential fully blooms.
“Some of these schools are very far, and there is an issue of quality, too,” Mama Habiba says. “Most parents find out when their children are in school, the girls are not learning. So why allow them to continue?”
When girls drop out of secondary school, marriage is often the alternative. In Nigeria, one in three girls is married before the age of 18. When this happens, girls are unable to fulfill their potential, and their families and communities lose out on the social, health and economic benefits.
Completing secondary school delays marriage, and according to UNESCO, educated girls become women who raise healthier children, lift their families out of poverty and contribute to more peaceful, resilient communities.
Centre for Girls’ Education, Nigeria. Captured by James Roh for Pura
To encourage young girls to stay in school, the Centre for Girls’ Education, a nonprofit in Nigeria founded by Mama Habiba and supported by Malala Fund and Pura, has pioneered an initiative that’s similar to the Ayomidê workshops in Brazil: safe spaces. Here, girls meet regularly to learn literacy, numeracy, and other issues like reproductive health. These safe spaces also provide an opportunity for the girls to role-play and learn to advocate for themselves, develop their self-image, and practice conversations with others about their values, education being one of them. In safe spaces, Mama Habiba says, girls start to understand “who she is, and that she is a girl who has value. She has the right to negotiate with her parents on what she really feels or wants.”
“When girls are educated, they can unlock so many opportunities,” Mama Habiba says. “It will help the economy of the country. It will boost so many opportunities for the country. If they are given the opportunity, I think the sky is not the limit. It is the starting point for every girl.”
From parades, film screenings to safe spaces and educational programs, girls and local leaders are working hard to strengthen the quality, safety and accessibility of education and overcome systemic challenges. They are encouraging courageous behavior and reminding us all that education is freedom.
Experience the Pura x Malala Fund Collection here, and connect with the stories of real girls leading change across the globe.
Mom Michelle celebrates her 60th birthday on a surprise party bus and takes it to visit her mom Jackie, who has dementia and lives in assisted living. – Photo credit: TikTok/@daniix3dee (with permission)
There is only one way to celebrate turning 60—on a party bus. That’s what Danielle DeBernardi and her sister were thinking when they booked one for their mom, Michelle. After the family gathered to celebrate the milestone birthday at a friend’s home, Danielle and her sister had one more surprise waiting outside—a party bus full…
There is only one way to celebrate turning 60—on a party bus. That’s what Danielle DeBernardi and her sister were thinking when they booked one for their mom, Michelle.
After the family gathered to celebrate the milestone birthday at a friend’s home, Danielle and her sister had one more surprise waiting outside—a party bus full of family and friends.
In a series of touching videos, Danielle documented Michelle’s epic 60th birthday, which ended with a tear-jerking visit to a nursing home to see Jackie (a.k.a. Juju), the family matriarch battling dementia.
Mom asked if the party bus could go see My grandma in a nursing rehab facility. She has dementia and Alzheimer’s. She was dead asleep when we showed up at 10pm with 10ppl standing in her room ready to party 😂 #motherdaughter#birthdaygirl#queen#nursinghome#partybus
The party bus pulls up as Michelle and her husband wait outside, and when she sees it, Michelle looks shocked. “Is this us?” she asks her daughter, before quipping, “Is there a dancing man in there?”
When the doors open and she steps on, all 10 of her closest people inside yell, “Surprise!” Michelle appears overwhelmed with emotion and starts hugging each person on the bus.
They take Michelle to dinner, and then Michelle has a special request: to go visit Juju.
The ladies are living it up on the bus. They can be seen singing and dancing to songs like Pat Benatar’s “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” and Madonna’s “Like a Virgin.”
Once they arrive at the nursing home, it’s all about Juju. Michelle can be seen sitting on her mom’s bed. Then she hops in with her, feeding her Häagen-Dazs ice cream and laughing together.
“POV: you get your mom a party bus for her 60th birthday and you ask her where she wants to go, and she says she wants to go see her mom at the nursing facility so you pull up in a party bus with 10 people at 10:00 at night and all go inside to see juju,” Danielle captioned the video.
It’s a moment Danielle and the family will never forget.
“Having four generations together in that nursing home room for my mom’s 60th birthday meant more than words can fully express,” Danielle tells Upworthy.
She continues, “Seeing my mom, her mother, myself and my daughter all in one place was such a powerful reminder of love, family, and the moments that truly matter. It was simple, but incredibly meaningful—a memory I’ll carry in my heart forever.”
If you travel around the United States, you’ll find that Americans sound different everywhere you go. If you go from Boston to Birmingham, you’ll hear a big contrast in dialects and accents. Going from Seattle to San Diego, the differences would be much smaller, but they’d still be there. Some people don’t think they have…
If you travel around the United States, you’ll find that Americans sound different everywhere you go. If you go from Boston to Birmingham, you’ll hear a big contrast in dialects and accents. Going from Seattle to San Diego, the differences would be much smaller, but they’d still be there.
Some people don’t think they have an accent at all. It’s common for Americans outside the South and Northeast to believe they speak “normally,” unaware of the geographic “tells” in how they pronounce certain words. But as linguist Carson Woody demonstrates, sometimes just a single word can reveal where in the U.S. a person is from.
A woman shared a social media trend in which people say three words that supposedly indicate where they’re from. She said she didn’t think she had an accent, but she only got as far as saying “bagel.” That’s okay, Woody said, because that was all he needed to clock her hometown.
“Baby girl, you sound like the Pope,” Woody said. Sure enough, like Pope Leo XIV, she’s from Chicago.
Woody said he understood what she meant when she said she didn’t think she had an accent.
“A lot of people use the term ‘accent’ when referring to someone who has a distinct accent from them,” he said. “Like, ‘You have an accent, I don’t. Because you’re not from here and I am.’ You’re saying you don’t think you have an identifiable, regional accent. But linguistically, when we say, ‘an accent,’ what we’re talking about is just how you pronounce things. If you speak, you have an accent.”
He explained that the way she pronounced the “a” in “bagel” gave away her location. He also shared that none of the various pronunciations of words are right or wrong.
“Every accent, every dialect, every language, the way everybody speaks around the world are all equally valid and beautiful,” he said.
What’s the difference between an accent and a dialect?
As Woody said, an accent is the way words are pronounced. A dialect is broader, encompassing not only pronunciation but also grammar and vocabulary.
So just how many dialects are there in American English? More than you might think. It’s hard to pin down an exact number because it depends on how broad or specific you want to get. Linguists recognize somewhere between three and 24 (or more) distinct American English dialects in the U.S. Within those dialects, there are hyperlocal pronunciation variations as well.
For instance, there are some commonalities among Midwestern accents, but someone from Chicago will pronounce certain words differently than someone from northern Minnesota.
Woody even shared how a dialect can practically—and in some cases actually—become a totally different language:
Everybody has one
As Woody pointed out, everyone has an accent. People in the comments even shared some metaphors that help illustrate this point:
“Saying, ‘I don’t speak with an accent’ is like saying ‘I don’t type with a font.’”
“Someone told me once to think of accents like fonts, you can’t really write or type without a font lol, everyone has their own accent that shows your heritage, family, origins, or even sometimes your personality. Humans are pretty cool.”
“‘I don’t have an accent, everyone else does.’ ‘I don’t have a location, everyone else does.’ Same energy.”
“If you eat you have a diet, and if you speak you have an accent.”
“I had a professor years ago (ASL grammar) who could tell what part of the country someone was from or where they went to college by how they signed or finger spelled words. Even sign languages have accents!”
And if you’re wondering what the other two words were that supposedly help indicate where you’re from, they’re “milk” and “eggs.” Apparently, ordering breakfast gives a lot away. Isn’t language fun?
Michael Harris was on his final run on the ski slopes at Stevens Pass in the Cascade Mountains on February 26 when tragedy struck—he was caught in an avalanche. “Because I was on skis, I got caught between two slabs,” he told FOX 13 Seattle. Harris was buried in a snow hole and remained upright.…
Michael Harris was on his final run on the ski slopes at Stevens Pass in the Cascade Mountains on February 26 when tragedy struck—he was caught in an avalanche.
“Because I was on skis, I got caught between two slabs,” he told FOX 13 Seattle.
Harris was buried in a snow hole and remained upright. He tried to free himself by making a swimming motion, but he couldn’t budge. “The sensation was being encased in cement,” he said.
He was packed so tightly that he couldn’t even grab the phone from his jacket pocket. His wife, Penny, sensed something was wrong when she hadn’t heard from him. “I started freaking out,” she told WSAW-TV. “My texts got more intense, and then I started calling.”
Harris could feel his phone buzzing in his pocket, but there was nothing he could do. “My mind shifted very quickly to ‘does anyone know that I’m here and how am I going to survive?’” he said.
Penny checked the Find My feature on her phone to see whether her husband had moved on the mountain. But his location was static—not typical for a skier. Realizing that if he wasn’t moving, something was very wrong, she contacted the ski patrol and gave them his location. “They were able to take my location and get a snapshot of it and pinpoint pretty much where he was,” she said.
After being stuck in the snow for four hours, Harris was rescued. Ski patrol was shocked to find him still conscious. Harris’ body temperature had dropped into the 70s, and he was severely hypothermic. Throughout the harrowing experience, all he could think about was his family.
“The thing I was hoping is that I’d get to see her [his wife] and my four kids one more time,” he said. “They were the only thing I thought about.”
Harris was alive, but he sustained several serious injuries in the avalanche. His daughter, Lauren, posted an update on GoFundMe about his condition. “A full trauma was called,” she wrote. “After various labs and imaging, my dad only sustained a contusion of his lung, pneumonia, injuries to his kidneys, and a right tibial plateau fracture.”
The avalanche came at a terrible time for the family
Harris is expected to make a full recovery, but his injuries couldn’t have come at a worse time. He is currently between jobs, and his recovery will delay any return to work. So, his family set up a GoFundMe page to help them through this difficult time. It has already raised over $36,000 toward a goal of $40,000.
“I have started a GoFundMe to try and help alleviate some of the medical costs as well additional bills for my family as my dad is the sole provider, and we are unsure how long the road to recovery actually looks. Literally anything helps,” Lauren wrote.
When someone is caught in an avalanche and encased in freezing snow, time is of the essence. According to Safeback, about 75% of avalanche deaths occur due to suffocation, and after roughly ten minutes of being trapped in the snow, the risk of asphyxiation increases rapidly.
Amazingly, Harris survived four hours in freezing conditions without passing out. What a blessing that his quick-thinking wife was able to locate him before he lost his life in the snow.
There are certain sounds and smells that exist across generations, at least so far. The pitter-patter of gentle rain. The musical notes of a bluebird. The scent of sea life in a vast ocean. The fragrant waft of a honeysuckle flower. But many sensory experiences fade with time. A guy on Threads was curious about…
There are certain sounds and smells that exist across generations, at least so far. The pitter-patter of gentle rain. The musical notes of a bluebird. The scent of sea life in a vast ocean. The fragrant waft of a honeysuckle flower. But many sensory experiences fade with time.
A guy on Threads was curious about the idea that certain sounds and smells might be specific to different generations. He asked, “What is a sound or smell that doesn’t exist anymore, but 40 years ago was so common it was considered background noise?” Generation Xers and Baby Boomers were ready to answer, offering nearly 4,000 replies.
Sounds
“Television static or the sound between radio stations.”
Here’s a fun fact: In a recent article on WION, journalist Anamica Singh explains that TV and radio static contain remnants of the Big Bang:
“The static hiss contained at least 1 percent of cosmic microwave background (CMB), a remnant of the birth of the universe 13.8 billion years ago. Not only on TV, but the same noise was also heard on radios. Everyone alive at the time these analogue televisions existed inadvertently time-traveled, in the sense that they witnessed the Big Bang, the universe’s past.”
“The sound of coins falling into a payphone.”
“The dial tone when the phone was left off the hook.”
“The thump of plopping a phone book on the table, followed by the whispery sound of flipping its onion-skin paper pages, and finally the whir-click of dialing a rotary phone.”
“Typewriter bells.”
“The sound it made when you push a VHS tape into the VCR.”
“The sound of the book-charging machine at the library that the librarian would insert the card into to date your books. Made the most satisfying cha-chunk sound.”
“An analog radio with an extendable antenna sitting in the window ledge, playing a crackly country song by Hank Jr., and the hum of static on TV because somebody touched the dial.”
Smells
“The faint but pervasive smell of cigarettes everywhere all the time.”
Notably, cities began passing comprehensive laws regulating tobacco use in public spaces. In the mid-1970s, Minnesota enacted one of the first laws requiring restaurants to designate a “smoking area.” By the late 1980s, many other cities and states had followed suit.
“The hot, dusty aroma of slide projectors and filmstrip machines projecting weird 1960s/70s educational films, floating through the classroom while you were passing notes under desks”
“The smell of freshly printed dittos.”
What these commenters are referring to are “ditto” copy machines, often used in schools and churches in the late 20th century.
“The sound and smell of a disposable flash.”
“Scratch ‘n’ sniff stickers!”
“Drakkar Noir”
This intense scent, a particularly popular men’s cologne in the ’80s, was mentioned a few times.
Another commenter shared a very specific memory:
“A Norman Rockwell calendar secured by a pearl-topped push-pin next to a ringing rotary phone, and the calendar smells like bacon grease and fried chicken.”
Grief is an unfortunately universal and often inescapable feeling. Yet, due to certain societal norms, it can be harder for some people to embrace or fully work through than for others. In a Reddit post titled “100% Really Sucks,” a man wrote: “About ten years ago, our at the time 9-year-old son died of cancer.…
Grief is an unfortunately universal and often inescapable feeling. Yet, due to certain societal norms, it can be harder for some people to embrace or fully work through than for others.
“About ten years ago, our at the time 9-year-old son died of cancer. Hundreds of people asked my wife how she was doing, offered her support, etc. Lots of people asked me how she was doing, how the kids were doing, and how I had to be strong for her and our two remaining kids. Only a few close male friends asked how I was doing. Not one of my female friends did. Not even my mother. It never occurred to them.
That really sucked. Not because I don’t think my wife deserved support. Of course she did – but so did I.”
The good news is that the OP bravely began a difficult discussion that seemed to resonate deeply with many people. The post received over 90,000 upvotes and 2.6 thousand comments. Clearly, people seem ready to talk about it.
One Redditor noted that they shared a similar experience: “My wife and I divorced – after our marriage she chose drugs and alcohol and I chose to be a dad. People still ask me all the time how she’s doing through everything. She still gets invited to parent/kid meet ups even though the kids live with me 7 days a week. It’s unfair.”
Another commenter added the importance of including men when an entire family needs support, writing, “It absolutely is unfair. I hope future generations will learn to be more supportive after seeing more great dads in action!”
What was even more encouraging was that the Reddit community came together not only to commiserate but also to offer hopeful suggestions.
Another commenter pointed out a similar situation, sharing, “We had a house fire. Lost everything. People in the community donated so many clothes and toiletries for my wife and kids. But nothing for me. One year later and I’m still struggling with wardrobe choices.”
This Redditor was ready to help, writing, “What size do you wear bro? I have some nice clothes that I never wear I’d be happy to have dry cleaned and sent your way.”
Not everyone, thankfully, had the same experience, though the post helped some feel a sense of gratitude:
“My word, reading these comments just makes me appreciate my wife and my mom all the more. They actually support me when I let them know I am hurting or depressed.
I do have to vocalize that I want the support in the moment because my wife will pick up on the fact that I’m down almost immediately and I’ll tell her I’m just having a down day. I don’t really deal with very bad depression but I do have days where it gets bad and she’s always there for me.
When I was growing up, my mom never dismissed my feelings, never told me to ‘act like a man’.
I’m so sorry to hear all of your stories of your struggles. I wish the best for all of you out there dealing with this type of stuff.”
Society needs to encourage men to open up
In the article “The Problem of Male Grief” for Psychology Today, Nick Norman, LICSW, discusses what he refers to as a “silent epidemic” among men.
“According to the CDC, 1 in 10 men experiences anxiety or depression, but less than half reach out for help,” Norman wrote. “They are less likely to seek help for mental or emotional difficulties overall.”
Norman seems to hit the nail right on the head when it comes to the Reddit post:
“While there are common ways that men respond to grief, that does not mean that they are actually processing their emotions or coming to a healthy resolution. The real issue is not that men have some other means or manner of grieving. It is that the Western cultural expectation of men discourages grieving altogether.”
He offered suggestions for men to create healthy spaces for one another:
“The unspoken rules of oppressive masculinity often lead men to shame those who dare step outside of the limited emotional box we’re given. In this way, we become enemies of our brothers and create more pain when what we need is support. Although we may struggle with our own discomfort, we need to stop shaming other men for weeping and feeling authentically. We have enough challenges in this work. We owe it to one another to buoy each other up, or at least grant each other silent respect.”
Mindfulness can help
Jeanette Lorandini, LCSW, founder of Suffolk DBT in New York, spoke to Upworthy about the issue:
“From a DBT [Dialectical Behavior Therapy] perspective, many boys grow up in environments where their emotions are invalidated. They are often taught very early that showing sadness or vulnerability is a sign of weakness and that they should ‘be strong.’ Over time, this can lead men to learn how to hide their emotions rather than understand or process them. They may become skilled at making their feelings invisible to others, but that does not mean those feelings are not there.”
To counter this, Lorandini suggested men practice mindfulness to help process their emotions:
“Mindfulness, a core component of DBT, encourages people to slow down, notice their emotional experience, and give themselves permission to feel sadness rather than push it away. We call that mindfulness of current emotion. When someone does not give themselves these important moments to grieve, they develop what we call inhibitive grief. It doesn’t go away but remains in a ‘holding cell.’ While it may not be a literal prison, it won’t go away until it is experienced. It often will show up in ways such as anger, substance use, working excessively, heavy screen time, or other maladaptive behaviors.”
She added, “Grief does not require someone to fall apart, but it does require space to be felt. Learning to experience sadness in manageable moments, while continuing to move forward at a balanced pace, can help men process loss in a way that honors both their emotional needs and their role within their family.”
There has been a cultural shift over the past year or so: being at the forefront of social media and Internet culture—or being “chronically online”—is now frowned upon. It’s similar to the ’90s, when bragging about how much TV you watched could get you accused of lacking personality or having lowbrow taste. These days, bragging…
There has been a cultural shift over the past year or so: being at the forefront of social media and Internet culture—or being “chronically online”—is now frowned upon. It’s similar to the ’90s, when bragging about how much TV you watched could get you accused of lacking personality or having lowbrow taste. These days, bragging about bed-rotting and doomscrolling is akin to being a proud couch potato.
Why are the chronically online backing away from their iPhones and calling TikTok trend followers tacky? It all comes down to the delivery system.
In a viral Instagram post, Carmen Vicente, a social strategist in tech, says the shift began when the Internet changed from a place where savvy people pursued their interests on their own to one where culture was spoon-fed through algorithms. There’s a huge difference between sitting at the cultural trough and waiting to be fed by Meta and going out to discover what you authentically enjoy.
The point is simple: You will never cultivate authentic taste in culture, art, movies, music, fashion, or food if your appetite is curated algorithmically.
“Fifteen years ago, it required effort and curiosity to discover cool stuff on the Internet,” Vicente says. “But now, and since the advent of algorithms that hinge on economic metrics of success, looking away or elsewhere is the thing that requires effort and curiosity.”
Vicente continues:
“Personally speaking, I think taste is the result of your cultural inputs. And to develop good taste, we need to consume a diversity of inputs beyond just the confines of our modern suggestion engines. Simply put, the algorithms are controlled by the institutions. The institutions need to maximize shareholder value. And the more time you spend drinking the Kool-Aid from these fire hoses, the looser your grasp becomes on what is truly interesting, substantive, or moving.”
There are myriad definitions of taste, but it’s generally seen as the ability to appreciate things that are culturally and aesthetically valuable.
In his essay “Of the Standard of Taste,” philosopher David Hume argues that taste is a byproduct of a life rich in experience: “Strong sense, united to delicate sentiment, improved by practice, perfected by comparison, and cleared of all prejudice, can alone entitle critics to this valuable character.”
Therefore, true taste can’t be developed without real-world experience and cultural inputs that go far beyond what’s delivered via smartphone.
The lesson here isn’t hard to figure out: it’s about a life lived shopping in brick-and-mortar stores, spending time outdoors, practicing hobbies that don’t involve screens, and reading books while in the dentist’s waiting room. There are so many incredible cultural treasures we can experience only by being in physical places with real people—where you can stumble upon life-changing culture by accident.
Taste is a touchy subject, hard to separate from social status, because it often requires resources and connections to access many aspects of culture. However, that’s not an excuse to judge those who strive for an expansive, more refined sense of taste—or who hope others will join them on that journey—as merely performative.
Humanity is delightfully diverse, yet we’re also wonderfully the same. For all our differences, many of our fundamental needs, desires, and impulses are universal. One of those impulses? Kissing our own knees, apparently. A six-second TikTok video shared by a young woman in the Philippines demonstrating the phenomenon went wildly viral, racking up more than…
One of those impulses? Kissing our own knees, apparently. A six-second TikTok video shared by a young woman in the Philippines demonstrating the phenomenon went wildly viral, racking up more than 18 million views and 2.7 million likes.
Rasta G. simply sits on a chair with one foot up on the seat. She suddenly looks down, notices her knee, then gently kisses it. People all around the world said, “Wait, I’m not the only one who does this?”
Who knew kissing your own knee was such a universal impulse?
Comment after comment revealed that people do this but had no idea others did, too:
“So I’m not a weirdo?”
“I THOUGHT I WAS THE ONLY ONE.”
“TikTok slowly make me realize I’m not the only weird one. We ALL weird. 😂”
“HAHAHAHA why you exposing us.”
“I knew before you did it.”
“I’m never alone in my weird experiences. 😭”
“Not a single unique experience 😭.”
“More proof that nothing I do is unique and I’m not weird. Thank you. 🙏🙏”
“So in conclusion we’re all the same just in different fonts.”
“Kissing knees is universal.”
“I’m cracking up omg we are all connected.”
Indeed, others have publicly shared the impulse as well:
Theories about why we kiss our own knees (and shoulders)
Of course, not everyone does this. But apparently, a whole lot of us do. And the reason why isn’t entirely clear. There are no studies on the subject, and there don’t appear to be masses of people asking their therapists about this habit. It’s just something we do, and people pointed to several potential reasons why:
The roundness of our knee looks like a baby’s head. Shoulders do, too—kind of. Perhaps seeing it so close to our face evokes the same urge we get to kiss babies on the top of the head. It could simply be a biological urge being triggered.
It’s a self-soothing behavior. When we were little, our moms, dads, or other caregivers may have kissed our boo-boos, and kids get a lot of boo-boos on their knees. So some of us may automatically associate gentle kisses on the knee with comfort.
It’s a way to show our bodies love and gratitude. A lot of the sentiment in the comments is that we don’t really see our knees very often, which is true. So when one is close to our face, we may be reminded of what they do for us. Ask someone with knee problems how important our knees are. It’s a good reminder to give them a little thank-you for their hard work.
We’re weird, but no weirder than anyone else. Maybe we’re all just quirky little humans who do random things for no good reason whatsoever. But at least now we know we’re not alone on that front.
People know Sir Anthony Hopkins best for his film performances, and for good reason. With two Oscars and multiple other awards, the 88-year-old Welsh actor has earned his accolades for his work on screen. But Hopkins’ first artistic love was not acting—it was music. And that first love received a moving moment of recognition in…
People know Sir Anthony Hopkins best for his film performances, and for good reason. With two Oscars and multiple other awards, the 88-year-old Welsh actor has earned his accolades for his work on screen.
But Hopkins’ first artistic love was not acting—it was music. And that first love received a moving moment of recognition in 2011, when the Johann Strauss Orchestra premiered a waltz Hopkins composed in 1964 at age 26.
“I have been writing music and composing for many years, but I never did anything with it,” Hopkins told The Independent in late 2012. “I’d wanted to be a musician when I was younger, but I wasn’t a good student as a kid, so I just dabbled around and wrote this piece, ‘And the Waltz Goes On,’ in 1964.”
Years later, Hopkins and his wife were watching a concert by Dutch violinist and conductor André Rieu on TV. Hopkins mentioned that he’d love to have his waltz played in Vienna.
“Some time later, I got a call from André and he said, ‘I got your waltz,’” said Hopkins. “I said, ‘What?’ He said, ‘I’ve just performed it with my orchestra in rehearsal.’ I didn’t know it, but my wife had sent him the score.”
Rieu was surprised to receive Hopkins’ composition.
“A lot of people send me their waltzes – every week, in fact,” Rieu told The Independent. “But when I got a call from my office early last year, I was surprised when they said Sir Anthony Hopkins was sending me one, as I didn’t know he had a musical side. But I figured a man like him wouldn’t send me a bad waltz. I can imagine it must have been a struggle for him thinking, ‘Shall I give it to the world?’”
Hopkins and Rieu had never met, but Hopkins flew to Rieu’s studio in Maastricht, Netherlands, in April 2011 to hear the piece rehearsed live.
“Everyone was so excited–and nervous,” said Rieu. “But he was so gentle and kind; he embraced everyone and gave them all autographs, too. After we played it to him live, he was like, ‘I love it, I love it, and I have tears in my eyes!’”
Naturally, anyone would be moved to hear a composition they wrote nearly 50 years earlier performed by top-tier musicians. After all, just a few years before, Hopkins told Gramophone magazine, “Music was my first desire, my first wish.”
Vienna has been home to many famous composers, including Joseph Haydn, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Ludwig van Beethoven, Franz Schubert, Johannes Brahms, Gustav Mahler, and the Strauss family. So the fact that Rieu premiered Hopkins’ piece there made the moment especially meaningful.
What a gift it must have been to hear his waltz performed live in one of the world’s most iconic venues by the largest private orchestra in the world, led by one of its most renowned conductors.
“Playing his waltz for the first time in one of the most beautiful halls in Vienna was like a dream for both of us,” Rieu said.
Rieu toured with the piece, which is how we have this full performance of Hopkins’ waltz from André Rieu – Under the Stars: Live in Maastricht 5:
Hopkins has made a name for himself far more successfully as an actor than as a musician, but people loved his waltz nonetheless. Some commenters on the video also noted how sad it would have been if the composition had remained unplayed:
“There’s drama, passion, love and anger, sadness and boldness, a perfect waltz. And imagine, if Lady Hopkins never convinced Sir Hopkins to release this, we wouldn’t have this amazing masterpiece. Utmost respect for the two of them.”
“Never asked anyone to play it, and yet it’s absolutely hauntingly beautiful. How much magnificent art is out there that never sees the light of day?”
“This guy didn’t produce this waltz earlier in his life because he was afraid that nobody would like it. And you hear how beautiful this waltz is. Imagine how many artists have been too afraid to share their work. Imagine the wonderful pieces of music we could have if we would just lighten up a bit.”
It’s a good reminder for all of us to share the talents we have.
