Louis CK: I mean everything that we introduce to the world is shitty...meaning white people. I really think that white people are from another planet because when we came to America, it was so nice. It was just Indians.
And they weren't even Indians. We called them that by accident. And we still call them that. We knew in a month that it wasn't Indians but we just don't give a shit. We never correct it.
We came here. They're like, "Hi."
And we're like, "Hey, you're Indians, right?"
And they're like, "No."
"No, this is India, right?"
"No, it's not. It's a totally other place."
"You're not Indians?"
"Ahh, you're Indians. You're Indians for hundreds of years after."
We ruined everything here. It was just coast-to-coast green, brown and beautiful. And all the humans were just walking around with painted faces, just walking. And they'd be like, "Oh, that looks yummy." And they'd just eat from the ground. And then they'd sleep on the grass. And they'd wake up and they'd fuck. And then they'd go for a swim and do a little dance. That was the whole continent, just folks doing that. I mean there was people in Mexico cutting off kids' heads and rolling them down the pyramid stairs. But that's, I mean, that's always going on. You know, you can't do a whole lot about that.
But I think we came from another planet and the reason is we don't like it here. Why, if we're from here, if we belong on Earth, why aren't we comfortable on Earth, at all? We need nice smooth surfaces and right angles and we need it to be cool, and not too hot, just a little just, just perfect. Why wouldn't, when it's hot, why wouldn't we just,"Yeah, fuck it." Why wouldn't we be like that if we belonged here?
And it's weird because people that are, whatever you call it. You know, there's environmentalists, and there's people who just hate environmentalists. People get angry at environmentalists because they think they're slowing down the economy and creating restrictions and a lot of these people are Christian. A lot of these people are very devout Christians and that's such a confusing thing to me, that if you believe that God gave you the Earth, that God created the Earth for you, why would you not have to look after it?
Why would you not think that when he came back he wouldn't go, "What the fuck did you do? I gave this to you, motherfucker. Are you crazy? The polar bears are brown. What did you do to the polar bears? Did you shit all over every polar bear? What did you...who did this? Who spilled this shit? Who spilled this? Come over here. Did you fucking spill this? What is that?"
"It's oil. It's just some oil. I didn't mean to spill-"
"Well, why did you take it out of the fucking ground?"
"Because I wanted to go faster. I'm not fast enough. And I was cold."
"What the fuck do you mean, 'cold'? I gave you everything you needed, you piece of shit."
"Well, because jobs, and I wanted-"
"What is a job? Explain it to me, what's a fucking job?"
"Well, like you work at a place and people call when their game doesn't work and you help them figure it out."
"What do you do that for?"
"What do you need money for?"
"Just eat the shit on the floor. I left shit all over the floor. Fucking corn and wheat and shit. Grind it up, make some bread. What are you doing?"
"Yeah, but it doesn't have, like, bacon around it. And I like when it has like bacon on it."There may be small errors in this transcript.