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Woman shares how the 'bird test' always determines if her relationships will last

"It never fails."

Images via Unsplash

Alyssa Caribardi says the 'bird test' can be uses for romantic and platonic relationships

Even with all the fancy apps and preference based algorithms, dating isn’t always easy. It’s a challenge to find true and lasting compatibility, and to know whether a person truly has your best interests at heart, or is simply on their best behavior.

But, people find their ways to navigate romance, nonetheless. Be it through a series of simple questions or hard-and-fast red flags, there are some modern-day strategies that can be used to filter out true potential partners.

The “Bird Test” is one of those strategies.

Though TikTokker Alyssa Caribardi doesn’t claim to have created the bird test, it’s something she “lives and dies by,” and she’s happy to give folks the rundown on what it is.

According to Caribardi, the bird test goes a little something like this: if you're out and about with someone, and notice a bird, then point it out with enthusiasm, notice how the other person responds. If they mirror your “genuine curiosity” for this seemingly insignificant thing, “that’s a really good sign” the relationship will last a long time.

'"It never fails," Caribardi claims, adding that while this is primarily used for screening romantic relationships, it can be used for platonic ones as well, sharing that a woman who matched her excitement for a woodpecker outside a Starbucks became a close friend.

Watch below. Note that this video contains some curse words.

@alyssacardib

Bird test

♬ original sound - Lyss Lyss

As many viewers were quick to note, the bird test echoes what psychologist and renowned relationship expert John Gottman calls “bids for connection.”

Gottman says that bids for connections can be verbal or non verbal, and take on myriad tones, but all share the common goal of expressing “connect with me please!” to a partner. Everything from a playful wink to asking how a work meeting went would fall under this category.

Gottman also explains that repeated rejection of bids for connection spell disaster for relationships.

“When our partner denies our bids, we internalize the experience. Our brains subconsciously keep track of how many bids are accepted or rejected by our partners. When our partner constantly turns away or against our bids, we begin to feel frustrated. We are more inclined to criticize our partners, which pushes them to be defensive and may result in an argument,” he says, even going so far as to say that couples more often break up because of denied bids for connections than big fights or infidelity.

So, call it a bird test or a bid, the messaging remains the same, regardless of semantics. Relationships thrive when partners pay attention to each other’s interests, and turn towards those interests with the intention to create an emotional bond. Perhaps this is even more important than naturally shared passions.

In other words: if someone isn’t able to light up at seeing a woodpecker outside a Starbucks in the same way you do, maybe they’re not meant for you.


This article originally appeared on 10.31.23

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Therapist lists 'green flags' women look for when visiting a potential partner's home

There's something about a guy who isn't afraid of period products.

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Therapist lists 'green flags' to look for when visiting date's home

When looking for a potential mate people often talk about the different types of "flags" that can be present. Generally, red flags mean you should stop or proceed with caution while watching for other red flags, while green flags are a sign of positive things. Jeff Guenther, LPC goes by the name of TherapyJeff on social media.

The therapist recently asked the women in his audience about "automatic green flags" they look for when visiting a man's apartment for the first time. They do not disappoint. Guenther takes the top 12 answers and compiles them into a list to help out his fellow guys who may be struggling.

Seemingly predicting that some men may swipe away, he informs them that these are changes they can make before the day is over. The list is quite simple and may encourage people to attempt to have at least one of them available in their home before their next date.

Coming in with something that seems unassuming, Guenther says guys should install a bidet.

"12, a bidet. Buy one online and hook it up to your toilet, ladies love it but it will also change your life forever. Trust me," the therapist says.

The list includes other simple things like a throw blanket on your couch, a hairless bathroom counter, and sheets that are any other color outside of black or navy. Judging by the comment section, women are not only appreciative of Guenther taking the time to compile a list but they're also adding additional green flags.

Would you add anything to the list? Check it out:

@therapyjeff

Green flags women look for when entering a guy’s place for the first time. #mentalhealth #therapy #relationshiptips #datingadvice #dating #greenflags

"BAR SOOO. LOW. If one of my female friends couldn't check all of these boxes I would question their sanity. But collectively most sis[sic] hetero dudes have kept the bar so low that these are green flags," one woman complains.

"This list is fascinating (omg why is there never a trash can in the bathroom!!)," another woman says.

"It's a green flag for me when they have like, any sort of personal items on display. Like cards, framed pictures, decorations or gifts, souvenirs, etc...reminders of good times/friends/family," someone writes.

"A book clearly in the process of reading (either real or ebook). Library card in a visible place–GOLD flag," another person shares.

Several men in the comments are excitedly expressing that they didn't know they were already giving off all these green flags based on the list. Some talk about being passionate cat dads while at least one man was anxiously awaiting Godzilla figurines to make the list. Overall it seems that nearly everyone in the comments was appreciative of the list and who knows, maybe he'll do one for green flags guys should look out for.

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Intimacy coach debunks myth about couples who post too much about themselves on social media

Is it red flag to post "lovey dovery" posts about your partner?

via Sarahcstanley/Flickr

A couple posting about their relationship on Facebook.

Do you have any friends who constantly post about their relationships with their significant other on social media? Are they continually posting photos and writing things like, “She’s my everything. I couldn’t get through a day without her.” Or, “You are my best friend and soulmate, not just my partner. Together, we create a more beautiful love story than I could have imagined."

Sometimes, couples writing touching dedications to one another can be sweet, but things start to look suspicious when it happens constantly. Why do these people need so much public confirmation of their relationship? Are they looking for likes and comments of support? Did someone cheat?

When couples are screaming this loud for attention, it looks like a big red flag that something is wrong in the relationship. It feels like the couple is overcompensating for something.

However, intimacy expert, relationship coach and hypnotherapist Katy Shelor disagrees with this popular theory. She believes that too many factors are at play to mark this online behavior as a red flag.

"So there's a theory that, basically, the more couples are kind of over-posting about each other on Instagram, for example, that they're actually compensating for something covering up some issues, the more likely they are to have problems,” she said in a viral Instagram post. "So, yeah, I think there's a couple elements to this."

"But I do think there may be a little bit of truth to it,” she continued. “First, you know, you have to always remind yourself not to get into the comparison game. So looking through other people's feeds and looking at their couple's romantic photos and their anniversary posts can make you feel like, oh my god. They've got it all figured out. Don't they?”

"But we know that that's not actually true. Right?" Shelor said.

Shelor believes there just isn’t enough research to determine a couple’s status based on a few social media posts. "There's little bits and pieces are all around basically saying that too much gushing may hint at an insecurity at the very least,” Shelor said. “Whereas for some people I think, you know, the sharing is it's just a positive."

One study suggests that oversharing in relationships may have more to do with people’s attachment styles than the status of their relationships. Attachment styles are formed during early childhood based on the quality of the relationship between a child and their primary caregiver. These styles are influenced by the caregiver's responsiveness and consistency, shaping the child's expectations and behaviors in future relationships.

People with anxious attachment styles need a lot more affirmation in their relationships, whether it’s from their significant other or the general public. So, even though their relationship may be going well, they may still need a little more affirmation here and there than most people.

Whereas people with avoidant attachments will post about their relationships much less often because they don’t feel the need to make them visible.

Jennifer Chappell Marsh, LMFT, regularly sees this dynamic in her office during couples therapy. “Avoidantly attached people tend to disengage and withdraw from their partners while anxiously attached people are almost always seeking reassurance about their relationship, even on social media,” Chappell Marsh said.

So, when they enjoy a night out together, the avoidant person may want to have a quiet dinner while the anxious person takes photos and posts them on Instagram. This causes tension in the relationship. “That disconnect triggers a spike in relationship anxiety for the anxious type,” Chappell Marsh said. “As a result, the insecure partner may take a relationship pic and post it on Facebook to get ‘likes.’ Oftentimes, they’re looking for positive attention in the absence of getting the reassurance from their partner.”

Although it’s unclear whether we can gauge the relationship status of our friends by their social media posts, there is evidence to suggest that if they post extremely often or not at all about their relationships, we can get a good idea of their attachment style.


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People are pointing out 'green flags' and telling Hinge to hire this couple for marketing

"Am I on a different Hinge or what?"

Free-Photos--242387 and WikiImages|Canva

Man interviewed by Meet Cutes NYC is a walking green flag

When dating someone we are often told to look for red flags that help us know that this person may not be the best partner. Recently, there's been a push to start looking for green flags, which are signs that the person you're dating will make a good partner. Green flags can be really subtle things and in a recent interview on the Meet Cutes NYC account on TikTok, one guy shows so many green flags he's got people questioning if they're on the wrong dating app.

Meet Cutes NYC uploads videos of them stopping random people who appear to be couples and ask them if they are indeed dating. Joaquim and Tara happen to be the lucky couple to get stopped for an interview and immediately Joaquim emits green flag energy according to TikTokker Jordan_the_Stallion8.

"Firstly, he was doing the sidewalk rule by where you'r supposed to walk on the outside part of the sidewalk that's facing the street while your partner walks on the inside part. Secondly, as they're walking and someone approaches them, immediately he gets protective, he gets defensive," Jordan says. "He was defesive until they were asked a question about how they first met and then the excitement that he had because he had the opportunity to talk about his partner."

People in the comments of the original video were also gushing over Joaquim's reaction and responses. When the couple mentions they met on Hinge, a popular dating app, people started to wonder what Hinge the couple were talking about. Some even going as far as to demand that the app use them in their marketing campaigns.

"Dude went from aggressive to lover boy," someone writes.

"He was so New York in the beginning and then turned to a puppy talking about his love, protect that man," another says.

"This man, is THE man. Sidewalk rule, protective until threats assessed, and proudly in love. King," one commenter recognizes.

"Am I on a different Hinge or what," someone jokes.

"Hinge marketing team better do something with this for real," a commenter declares.

@meetcutesnyc

Love’s Refreshing #meetcute #hingepartner #hinge #howcouplesmeet #love #nyc #streetinterview #foryou #foryoupage #fyp

It's beyond clear that Joaquim loves Tara even telling the interviewer, "I have no idea how I lived all these years without her." The couple seem extremely supportive and proud of each other and now they've got an entire internet community rooting for their continued success.

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