upworthy

red flags

An anry wife shares her thoughts with her husband.

A husband invited some new coworkers over for dinner and instead of properly introducing his wife, he made a sexist joke that she felt was belittling. The wife, who goes by the name Sadie on Reddit, shared the story on the AITA forum to ask if she responded correctly.

Spoiler alert: Yes, she did.

“My husband invited his new coworkers over for dinner. When they arrived, he introduced me by gesturing at me and saying, ‘This is Mrs. Smith (he didn't even say my name)...the housewife!'" Sadie revealed.

“I looked at him for a second, then I started laughing hysterically,” Sadie continued. “I then told said, ‘No, honey, I work full time, and YES I still act like a housewife when I'm home because you simply can't bother to help.’” After Sadie’s remark, the guests stared at the husband, who tried to laugh it off and then changed the subject by asking them if they wanted a drink.


The rest of the dinner was awkward, with the husband and wife exchanging angry glances. After the guests left, the husband blew up at Sadie, saying that she laughed like a “lunatic” and that she ruined “his image.”

“I told him he was wrong to lie about my status and deny my degree, to begin with,” Sadie continued. He said I could've talked to him about it privately later but not like this, and making his coworkers think he's useless.” Sadie asked the online forum if she was out of line, and they responded with a collective no.

People overwhelmingly supported the wife, raising an issue far beyond the fact that her husband was seriously inconsiderate. It’s a big red flag in a relationship when one spouse diminishes or belittles the other in public or private.

“Men who diminish their partners to look better at the office are gross. He only seemed to care about his embarrassment and not yours. I'd be mortified if my husband used a lie that robbed me of my success and accomplishments to prop himself up," Geranium27 wrote.

“It's a red flag for the relationship. He doesn't want a partner who is an equal. He wants a dependent woman who he can provide for completely so he can feel like a man," RedWanderingLizard added.

Some also noted that it was wrong of him to disparage homemakers.

"He diminished (being a housewife is not a ‘low’ role, but he meant it that way) you in public, you corrected him. In public. As he deserved,” LetThemEatHay wrote.

The viral post received over 24,000 comments, highlighting the idea that belittling your partner is a serious sign of a dysfunctional relationship that should not be ignored.

According to Psychology Today, backhanded compliments, digs and subtle put-downs are attempts by one partner to make the other feel small and themselves feel big. “Although cleverly disguised as a joke or a compliment, these comments may qualify as ‘toxic’ if they sting, cause confusion, and replay in a person’s mind for days, disrupting their peace,” Erin Leonard, Ph.D. writes.

Ultimately, commenters overwhelmingly agreed that Sadie was right not to let her husband's belittling compliment go unnoticed. By sharing it online, she opened up a meaningful discussion about appropriate humor in relationships. Studies show that it’s healthy for partners to joke around with one another, but when the comments are thinly veiled put-downs and backhanded compliments, it’s no laughing matter.


This article originally appeared on 5.9.24

Internet

Therapist lists 'green flags' women look for when visiting a potential partner's home

There's something about a guy who isn't afraid of period products.

Therapist lists 'green flags' to look for when visiting date's home

When looking for a potential mate people often talk about the different types of "flags" that can be present. Generally, red flags mean you should stop or proceed with caution while watching for other red flags, while green flags are a sign of positive things. Jeff Guenther, LPC goes by the name of TherapyJeff on social media.

The therapist recently asked the women in his audience about "automatic green flags" they look for when visiting a man's apartment for the first time. They do not disappoint. Guenther takes the top 12 answers and compiles them into a list to help out his fellow guys who may be struggling.

Seemingly predicting that some men may swipe away, he informs them that these are changes they can make before the day is over. The list is quite simple and may encourage people to attempt to have at least one of them available in their home before their next date.


Coming in with something that seems unassuming, Guenther says guys should install a bidet.

"12, a bidet. Buy one online and hook it up to your toilet, ladies love it but it will also change your life forever. Trust me," the therapist says.

The list includes other simple things like a throw blanket on your couch, a hairless bathroom counter, and sheets that are any other color outside of black or navy. Judging by the comment section, women are not only appreciative of Guenther taking the time to compile a list but they're also adding additional green flags.

Would you add anything to the list? Check it out:

@therapyjeff

Green flags women look for when entering a guy’s place for the first time. #mentalhealth #therapy #relationshiptips #datingadvice #dating #greenflags

"BAR SOOO. LOW. If one of my female friends couldn't check all of these boxes I would question their sanity. But collectively most sis[sic] hetero dudes have kept the bar so low that these are green flags," one woman complains.

"This list is fascinating (omg why is there never a trash can in the bathroom!!)," another woman says.

"It's a green flag for me when they have like, any sort of personal items on display. Like cards, framed pictures, decorations or gifts, souvenirs, etc...reminders of good times/friends/family," someone writes.

"A book clearly in the process of reading (either real or ebook). Library card in a visible place–GOLD flag," another person shares.

Several men in the comments are excitedly expressing that they didn't know they were already giving off all these green flags based on the list. Some talk about being passionate cat dads while at least one man was anxiously awaiting Godzilla figurines to make the list. Overall it seems that nearly everyone in the comments was appreciative of the list and who knows, maybe he'll do one for green flags guys should look out for.

Joy

Intimacy coach debunks myth about couples who post too much about themselves on social media

Is it red flag to post "lovey dovery" posts about your partner?

A couple posting about their relationship on Facebook.

Do you have any friends who constantly post about their relationships with their significant other on social media? Are they continually posting photos and writing things like, “She’s my everything. I couldn’t get through a day without her.” Or, “You are my best friend and soulmate, not just my partner. Together, we create a more beautiful love story than I could have imagined."

Sometimes, couples writing touching dedications to one another can be sweet, but things start to look suspicious when it happens constantly. Why do these people need so much public confirmation of their relationship? Are they looking for likes and comments of support? Did someone cheat?

When couples are screaming this loud for attention, it looks like a big red flag that something is wrong in the relationship. It feels like the couple is overcompensating for something.

However, intimacy expert, relationship coach and hypnotherapist Katy Shelor disagrees with this popular theory. She believes that too many factors are at play to mark this online behavior as a red flag.

"So there's a theory that, basically, the more couples are kind of over-posting about each other on Instagram, for example, that they're actually compensating for something covering up some issues, the more likely they are to have problems,” she said in a viral Instagram post. "So, yeah, I think there's a couple elements to this."

"But I do think there may be a little bit of truth to it,” she continued. “First, you know, you have to always remind yourself not to get into the comparison game. So looking through other people's feeds and looking at their couple's romantic photos and their anniversary posts can make you feel like, oh my god. They've got it all figured out. Don't they?”

"But we know that that's not actually true. Right?" Shelor said.

Shelor believes there just isn’t enough research to determine a couple’s status based on a few social media posts. "There's little bits and pieces are all around basically saying that too much gushing may hint at an insecurity at the very least,” Shelor said. “Whereas for some people I think, you know, the sharing is it's just a positive."

One study suggests that oversharing in relationships may have more to do with people’s attachment styles than the status of their relationships. Attachment styles are formed during early childhood based on the quality of the relationship between a child and their primary caregiver. These styles are influenced by the caregiver's responsiveness and consistency, shaping the child's expectations and behaviors in future relationships.

People with anxious attachment styles need a lot more affirmation in their relationships, whether it’s from their significant other or the general public. So, even though their relationship may be going well, they may still need a little more affirmation here and there than most people.

Whereas people with avoidant attachments will post about their relationships much less often because they don’t feel the need to make them visible.

Jennifer Chappell Marsh, LMFT, regularly sees this dynamic in her office during couples therapy. “Avoidantly attached people tend to disengage and withdraw from their partners while anxiously attached people are almost always seeking reassurance about their relationship, even on social media,” Chappell Marsh said.

So, when they enjoy a night out together, the avoidant person may want to have a quiet dinner while the anxious person takes photos and posts them on Instagram. This causes tension in the relationship. “That disconnect triggers a spike in relationship anxiety for the anxious type,” Chappell Marsh said. “As a result, the insecure partner may take a relationship pic and post it on Facebook to get ‘likes.’ Oftentimes, they’re looking for positive attention in the absence of getting the reassurance from their partner.”

Although it’s unclear whether we can gauge the relationship status of our friends by their social media posts, there is evidence to suggest that if they post extremely often or not at all about their relationships, we can get a good idea of their attachment style.


Man interviewed by Meet Cutes NYC is a walking green flag

When dating someone we are often told to look for red flags that help us know that this person may not be the best partner. Recently, there's been a push to start looking for green flags, which are signs that the person you're dating will make a good partner. Green flags can be really subtle things and in a recent interview on the Meet Cutes NYC account on TikTok, one guy shows so many green flags he's got people questioning if they're on the wrong dating app.

Meet Cutes NYC uploads videos of them stopping random people who appear to be couples and ask them if they are indeed dating. Joaquim and Tara happen to be the lucky couple to get stopped for an interview and immediately Joaquim emits green flag energy according to TikTokker Jordan_the_Stallion8.


"Firstly, he was doing the sidewalk rule by where you'r supposed to walk on the outside part of the sidewalk that's facing the street while your partner walks on the inside part. Secondly, as they're walking and someone approaches them, immediately he gets protective, he gets defensive," Jordan says. "He was defesive until they were asked a question about how they first met and then the excitement that he had because he had the opportunity to talk about his partner."

People in the comments of the original video were also gushing over Joaquim's reaction and responses. When the couple mentions they met on Hinge, a popular dating app, people started to wonder what Hinge the couple were talking about. Some even going as far as to demand that the app use them in their marketing campaigns.

"Dude went from aggressive to lover boy," someone writes.

"He was so New York in the beginning and then turned to a puppy talking about his love, protect that man," another says.

"This man, is THE man. Sidewalk rule, protective until threats assessed, and proudly in love. King," one commenter recognizes.

"Am I on a different Hinge or what," someone jokes.

"Hinge marketing team better do something with this for real," a commenter declares.

@meetcutesnyc

Love’s Refreshing #meetcute #hingepartner #hinge #howcouplesmeet #love #nyc #streetinterview #foryou #foryoupage #fyp

It's beyond clear that Joaquim loves Tara even telling the interviewer, "I have no idea how I lived all these years without her." The couple seem extremely supportive and proud of each other and now they've got an entire internet community rooting for their continued success.