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Psychotherapist explains childhood connection to procrastinating.

Procrastination is a tough habit to break. If you find yourself procrastinating (delaying accomplishing tasks or duties), you probably understand how it can mount into crushing anxiety—and you may be looking for advice on how to stop procrastinating all together.

In an online discussion on procrastination, psychotherapist Marco Sander offered his insight into why you may find yourself procrastinating—and it all relates to your childhood. He beings by explaining that he has spent years working with people who struggle with procrastination.

During that time with his patients, he has recognized a a common thread between them all. "Most people think they need to just 'push harder,' 'set more goals,' or 'finally get disciplined,' but procrastination is often not the root problem; it's a symptom."

procrastinate, procrastination, procrastinating, procrastinate gif, how to stop procrastinating Bored To Death Waiting GIF by Travis Giphy

"The underlying issue is stress," he shared, adding that specifically it is internal emotional stress. He offers three examples of this:

  • Perfectionism: "If it's not 100%, it’s worthless."
  • Fear of failure or criticism: "If I don’t start, I can’t fail."
  • Lack of clarity: When the task feels like a huge, undefined mountain.
Sander notes that the link between internal emotional stress and procrastination is rooted in early childhood experiences and wounds. "For instance, if you had a hypercritical parent, you might have internalized the belief that 'I’m not good enough, yet.' So now, as an adult, you’re putting pressure on yourself before anyone else can—trying to finally do everything correctly," he explains. "This perfectionism or fear becomes your attempt to avoid the emotional pain of being criticized again. But eventually, your system says, 'I can’t do this anymore,' and so, you procrastinate."

procrastinate, the procrastinator, always procrastinating, stop procrastinating, procrastination procrastinate the amanda show GIF by NickSplat Giphy

While willpower and establishing productivity systems and habits can help people overcome procrastination, he notes that 90% of the procrastination "equation" is "understanding and healing the root of that inner pressure you put on yourself every day. And often, the fastest path forward is counterintuitive: less pressure, more compassion. It´s about healing your childhood wound."
The solution? To first acknowledge and recognize your childhood wound.
"First, you gotta figure out the specific kind of wound that is holding you back. Then you can start healing it. If I had to generally summarize the healing then it would be: 'Healing comes when we meet our wounded places with compassion.'" This includes inner child work, inner family systems, and chair work. He adds, "Going through those experiences while adding a new layer of emotion which is more compassionate will slowly heal the wound and potentially, you will feel less stressed and ultimately procrastinate less."

identity, healing, inner child, heal inner child, healing work Lilly Singh Oops GIF by A Little Late With Lilly Singh Giphy

In another comment, Sander added: "Most of the time it is not one traumatic event that happened which makes the link so clear. Most of the time it is just a general atmosphere throughout your childhood. Nobody intended harm but nevertheless you somehow got the feeling that you have to do something more to be truly accepted."
His insightful observations were praised by people struggling with procrastination. "This is one of the most insightful explanations of procrastination I’ve read. Framing it as a symptom of internal stress rather than laziness or lack of discipline is so important especially for people who’ve been hard on themselves for years," one wrote. "What really resonated with me was the part about perfectionism and early childhood experiences. That fear of 'not doing it right' or 'not being good enough' can silently run the show without us even realizing it."

perfect, perfection, perfectionist, perfectionism, being perfect do better paul hollywood GIF by PBS Giphy

Another added, "I am like this but my parents were always super supportive. These are the exact reasons why I procrastinate though. I also suffer from depression."
Others who struggle with procrastination were somewhat skeptical, but offered advice that worked for them.
"For chronic procrastinators, even attempting to 'heal' your childhood wound is a form of procrastination. There is never a point where it gets healed and then you are free of procrastination," one procrastinator shared.
"First, start—(hardest part) Second, gain momentum. Third, keep going. Your mind is a sneaky b*stard who will come up with 99 seemingly legitimate reasons to NOT do that one thing which has been eating away at you. But you just gotta do it anyway. Reflect on your life and goals in your free time. Purpose is what drives us all. But do the damn work. Do it scared. Do it unsure. Do it ugly. Do it broke. Do it tired. Do it anyway. Do it. The only way out is through."

Symone Sanders is no stranger to disagreement. In fact, challenging people's ideas is a big part of what she does on CNN.

The progressive commentator and political consultant regularly appears on CNN programming, often standing toe to toe with her ideological opposites. She's weathered a lot of criticism with grace, even when people on the other side of the debate lose their cool, like when conservative Ken Cuccinelli told her to "shut up" during a segment.

She doesn't need you to agree with her, but you'll probably be better off and better informed if you at least hear her out.


Photo by Joshua Blanchard/Getty Images for Politicon.

One area where Sanders isn't up for unsolicited criticism, however, is her personal appearance — and she's totally right.

In the first week of May 2018, Sanders received a message from a stranger offering a bit of "advice." No, it wasn't about one of her political positions or a debate strategy (though that type of feedback from strangers might not be particularly welcome either).

It was about ... her fingernails.

"Hi Symone. You are so smart and beautiful. I like your comments on CNN. But may I give some advice? Okay, what do you think about your long nails? [It's] not appropriate when you are on CNN TV and discussing about politics. This is my opinion. Please, don't take it bad. [I'm one of your] followers. Thank you."

This is a message she, unfortunately, gets more often than she'd like. She decided to offer a public response we all probably need to hear.

"I'm going to 'reply all' to this because I think more than a few folks need to hear my answer. Ok?" she tweeted.

The thread that followed examined what it means to look "professional" in the context of cable news and how gendered and racial stereotypes affect that. In truth, Sanders was hired to be herself and share her own insight into the political world. "Professional" shouldn't have to mean trying to look like someone she's not.

"I'm fully aware that when I show up curvy, with a low cut, a bold lip, an oversized bow, amazing nails, and a chilling analysis ... people don't know how to take it," she continued. "I am not 'supposed' to be able to give you solid political commentary with a bedazzled nail right?"

"I have no problem showing up authentically as Symone and delivering. The problem is most of y'all aren't comfortable. Some of y'all keep showing up as K. Ashley when your name is really Keisha."

"But also don’t let anyone (because friends, family, and folks that mean well also struggle with authenticity) try to put you in a box and tell you what is 'appropriate.' Let’s strive to live boxless ... there, the opportunities are endless," she concluded, sharing a video of her nails.

These types of stories show up constantly. It's time we looked at the issue a little differently, as a question about how standards are created.

In 2017, Dallas traffic reporter Demetria Obilor was criticized by someone complaining about "a size 16/18 woman in a size 6 dress."

Obilor responded:

"This is the way that I'm built. This is the way that I was born. I'm not going anywhere, so if you don't like it, you have your options. You know when you look a little different, people think it's OK to talk to you a little different. And I'm on TV, I can't clap back how I want to clap back all the time."

Earlier this year, Fox News meteorologist Janice Dean responded to a viewer complaint about her legs, writing, "Fox doesn't dress me. I dress myself. I'm sorry if you don't like my legs. I'm grateful I have them to walk with."

Men aren't typically held to this sort of standard, aren't typically criticized for their appearance. Instead, they are — gasp — judged on the quality of their work. To prove this point, Australian news anchor Karl Stefanovic wore the same suit every day for a year in 2014 to see if viewers would notice.

They didn't.

Meanwhile, the women who worked with him continued to get messages about what they should and shouldn't wear on air.

If you ever catch yourself thinking that someone doesn't look "professional" on TV because of their hair, nails, dress, or makeup, take a moment to ask yourself what "professional" means to you and why.

You might be surprised by what you find out.

John Boyega wants to hear your criticism loud and clear.

No, really.

Photo by Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images for SBIFF.


In a recent interview with Mashable, the 26-year-old "Star Wars" actor explained how he turns lemons into lemonade after spotting criticism directed at him on Facebook and Twitter.

"I feel like for me to get any type of criticism, I would have had to work to a certain point," he said, smiling. "I would have had to gain success for someone to say 'I didn't like 'Star Wars.'"

He continued:

"What I fixate on is 'Wait a second. Wait. I'm in 'Star Wars'? I think it's brilliant! These are the comments that every actor should hope to get. It means you're doing well. You're doing something."

Photo by Ben A. Pruchnie/Getty Images for Walt Disney Studio.

^ A live look at Boyega laughing off the haters. 😂

Boyega doesn't welcome all criticism with open arms, though. And for good reason.

Amid the buzz over 2015's "Star Wars: The Force Awakens," a certain segment of the sci-fi series' fans — (cough, cough) the racists — were upset that Boyega was cast as a Stormtrooper.

Stormtroopers apparently shouldn't be black.

Photo by Gareth Cattermole/Getty Images for Disney.

To those critics, Boyega said, "Get used to it."

"I’m in the movie, what are you going to do about it?" the actor told V Magazine. "You either enjoy it or you don’t. I’m not saying get used to the future, but what is already happening. People of color and women are increasingly being shown on-screen."

Boyega's new comments on criticism is something we can all keep in mind.

We may not all be movie stars, but most of us have our critics.

Someone isn't a fan of your artwork in the new exhibit? You were talented enough to get it featured. A hater pokes fun at you for finishing last in the 5K? You put in the work to cross that finish line.

Do as Boyega does, and let the trolls remind you to pat yourself on the back.

More

Michelle Obama sat down with Oprah for an important chat about criticism.

The first lady shares a bit of advice for young girls everywhere.

It's not every day that two of the world's most powerful women sit down for a heart-to-heart chat about life.

But that's exactly what happened in a recent interview between Michelle Obama and Oprah Winfrey (numbers 13 and 21, respectively, on the Forbes list of powerful women, in case you were wondering).

The wide-ranging interview tackled everything from the first lady's thoughts on the importance of ensuring a peaceful transition of power to her thoughts on what her husband's lasting legacy might be.


GIFs from OWN/YouTube.

In perhaps the most important portion of the interview, she discussed what it's like being on the receiving end of sometimes unfair criticism.

On Election Day, the New York Times Styles section tweeted "How [Michelle Obama] shed an angry black woman caricature and evolved into a political powerhouse." In 2012, the New York Post ran a headline reading, "Mad as Hell Michelle" on the front page. That line of criticism is bizarre not only because it's harsh, but also because it appears completely divorced from the reality of who Michelle Obama has shown herself to be as a public figure.

Asked about what it felt like to so frequently have the "angry black woman" stereotype projected onto her by her critics, Obama opened up about coping with that negativity and using it to fuel her work moving forward.

"That was one of those things where you think, 'Dang, you don’t even know me,'" she said. "You just sort of feel like, 'Wow, where did that come from?' And that’s the first blowback."

That criticism sparked something within her. She wasn't going to let someone else define her. Instead, she was going to live out loud.

Obama rattled off a list of things she's proud of and shared why it's important to speak up.

"We as women, we as minorities," she told Oprah, "We underestimate ourselves. ... I want young girls out there to understand that what’s in your brain is really useful. Do not hide it, don’t dumb it down, don’t apologize for it. Just put it on the table and let people deal with it."

The whole interview makes so many great points, but most of all, it's a reminder that Michelle Obama, just like you or me, is a human being with feelings, ambition, and dreams.

People talk a lot about whether spouses and relatives of politicians are "fair game" for criticism, but perhaps we need to look at that question with a bit more nuance. The issue shouldn't be whether Michelle Obama or Melania Trump or Laura Bush or any of their children should be exempt from any and all criticism — no one is. The issue should be one of whether such criticism is accurate, justified, and humane.

Flinging baseless insults and dehumanizing someone, even if they're a political opponent, doesn't add anything to discourse. Instead, it creates hate and resentment, and ultimately serves as a distraction from who we want to be as people and as a country.

As first lady, Michelle Obama was dealt a lot of low blows. But as she says, "When they go low, we go high."

That's her approach to offering help and advice to Melania Trump. It's something that can be incorporated into our own lives, as well.

You can watch a clip from the interview below and on the OWN YouTube channel.