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Here's how 18 people got over being homophobic, proving there's hope for everyone

"I looked for logical reasons to be and couldn't find any."

lgbtq, homopbobia, overcoming homophobia
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Homophobia? Get over it.

There are many different reasons why some people are homophobic. A lot of them are raised in religious households where homosexuality is seen as sinful and they never get over their indoctrination.

A study from 2018 found that people who foster homophobic attitudes are less intelligent than those who accept people regardless of their sexuality. For the study, researchers asked subjects if they agree or disagree with the following statement: “Homosexual couples should have the same rights as heterosexual couples do.”

After comparing data sets, researchers found that the lower a person's cognitive intelligence, the more likely they are to be homophobic.

An older study from 2016 using an eye-tracking device found that some homophobic men seem to have an impulsive, automatic attraction to other men.

Homophobic attitudes are more prevalent in people with authoritarian personality types. Authoritarians have “submissive attitudes toward strong leaders, a desire to punish all who violate conventional moral codes, and strong fear that conventional morality is breaking down.”

There are also some who believe that humans evolved to be homophobic because it favors the propagation of the species. "In its simplest form, parents who showed a concern for their child’s sexual orientation may have left more descendants than those who were indifferent,” Gordon Gallup, a human sexuality researcher, wrote.

(It should be noted that Gallup formulated his theory in the ‘80s.)

Regardless of how people become homophobic, the good news is that Americans are slowly becoming more accepting of LGBTQ people. A Reddit user by the name of aestheticbear wanted to prove that everyone is capable of losing their homophobic views by asking the subforum, “What happened that made you stop being homophobic?”

According to the posts, growing up and meeting people who are LGBTQ was one of the most effective ways for people to get over their homophobia. It also helped when they got away from religious parents and began to see the world with their own eyes.

Here are 18 of the best ways that people got over being homophobic.

1. 

"I met some gay people. As it turns out they were just people." — moolord

2. 

"Not homophobic, but I woke up at about 10 when my mom said my uncle was banned from coming to our vacation condo by my father because he was gay. Before then I kind of let the arguments and both sides bit wash over me, but that was a crystalization point where I started noticing it as pure bigotry. I'm sorry the nicest dude in the family full of domestic violence and white-collar drug abusers cant come to Christmas because he's gay? You're both cheating on each other, sanctity of what marriage now?" — Robin_Games

3. 

"My mom slapped me and told me everyone has a right to be happy. That was in 9th grade 13 years ago." — Bloodllust

4. 

"Homophobia was the norm when I was growing up, then I got older and the political landscape changed which made me question my belief and I came to the conclusion it just didn't make any sense to be homophobic." — LuciferIsFallen

5. 

"I came out as gay." — pethal

6

"Realised that, fundamentally, being gay is just 'what' you are. It’s not 'who' you are." — Alternative-Rain-718

7. 

"I wasn't super homophobic, just a 'love the sinner, hate the sin' kind of guy. On my last day in high school, someone said 'Why do I care? They're not hurting me.' Cured me in three seconds. I still remember how magical that moment was for me." — Dirgonite

8. 

"Stopped listening to my homophobic family and left their religion. Oh and also realized I myself was pretty gay." — Raidden

9. 

"There are 20 years between myself and my youngest brother. I (and my SO) was raised in an explicitly homophobic/biphobic/transphobic fundamentalist religion (that I left with my SO in my early 20s) so I had a lot of internalized, conditioned, toxic beliefs about the LGBTQ that needed to be deconstructed. My little brother was obviously either gay or bi and it was obvious from the time he was six imho. He came out to my sisters, SO, and I as bi when he was 11 and we were like "tell us something we don't know lol." I think watching him just grow up, it was obvious that he hadn't chosen to be that way, it was just how he was. This false narrative that LGBTQ are somehow defective or sinners became more disgusting to me over time.

I can't remember exactly when it happened but my SO and I were like 'if our future child happened to be LGBTQ, could we teach that child the things we were taught about the LGBTQ?" We were like "no, that would be evil.'

Now, we have an 18yo niece that recently came out as a lesbian and we feel honored to be the only family that she trusts enough to introduce to her first GF. Spending time with her just reaffirms the fact that there is nothing wrong with the LGBTQ, it was our upbringing that was defective." — Jormungandr91

10. 

"I was in the military during the repeal of don’t ask don’t tell. I wasn’t pro-gay whatever that might mean but sitting in those mandatory command meetings really opened my eyes. There were some legit homophobes trying every trick in the book to justify everything from moving sleeping arrangements to outright violence out in the open with gay people in the room.

I may not have been super sympathetic before that but after I realized just how difficult it was for a gay person just to go to work. Or how many precautions they were taking on a daily basis to keep in the closet. It pushed me from disinterested in the subject to siding with the obviously pragmatic stance of pro-gay marriage and gays in the military." — Pencilowner

11. 

"Went off to college, started meeting gay people, quickly realized that their awesomeness was no different than any straight person’s awesomeness, stopped bothering to “otherize” them as I had in high school." — hailnaux

12. 

"I became good friends with someone who came out to me a year or so after we got to know each other. Turns out he wasn't the abomination that my Christian parents/church had taught me all gays were. Indoctrination of children is a bitch." — Vefantur

13. 

"Honestly I think it was Lady Gaga. I was young and impressionable and she was cool and so LGBT+ friendly that I just started accepting people. And then it turned out I was a lil gay too so things worked out well lol." — plutoforprez

14. 

"I grew up and met some openly gay people." — polkavert

15. 

"I became an atheist. Through a painful experience of getting through serious depression, I came out the other side with a different worldview. As soon as I shed religion I began to question a lot of things including how I really feel about LGBTQIA people vs what I'd been indoctrinated to believe. They are just people trying to go about their normal routine like myself. There's no vast conspiracy or 'gay agenda.'

Years later, I suspect I'm one of them now. I might be asexual but I'm not sure yet." —HonestSummer

16. 

​"As a teen I loved to make fun/bash gay people and listen to heavy metal. Then one day Rob Halford from Judas Priest came out as gay. Well, he is fucking Rob Halford and he can do whatever the fuck he wants. He is Rob Halford and being gay did not make him any less amazing in my eyes. After that I stopped caring about people being gay or not. Who am I to second guess or mock Rob Halford's life choices?" — cambeiu

17.

"I looked for logical reasons to be and couldn't find any." — theyellowmeteor

18. 

"I grew up." — jthomas287

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Culture

Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard open up about being attracted to other people - and why that's OK

For many couples, bringing up such a sensitive topic can cause some major jealousy.

via The Walt Disney Company / Flickr

One of the ways to tell if you're in a healthy relationship is whether you and your partner are free to talk about other people you find attractive. For many couples, bringing up such a sensitive topic can cause some major jealousy.

Of course, there's a healthy way to approach such a potentially dangerous topic.

Telling your partner you find someone else attractive shouldn't be about making them feel jealous. It's probably also best that if you're attracted to a coworker, friend, or their sibling, that you keep it to yourself.

But, being open about your sexual feelings, can be a way to spice things up in the bedroom and to let your partner know what you like.

Actress and mental health advocate Kristen Bell admits that she and her husband, actor Dax Shepard, have learned how to be open about their attraction to other people. The couple believes that being able to talk about such taboo topics without making each other jealous is a great way to preserve their relationship.

"He can tell me someone he finds attractive, female or male, 'cause he pauses the Olympics on a lot of runners, but it doesn't make me feel like he's going to leave me for that person because I'm not allowing my self-esteem to be affected," she explained.

Bell believes that it's completely normal and healthy for people in monogamous relationships to be attracted to other people.

"I know there are people on planet Earth that are more attractive than me, and well, we're not dead. I have to acknowledge we're monkeys," Bell said. As an attractive, famous couple working in Hollywood, there is extra pressure for them to be able to handle their jealousy.

The couple has also done a good job at accepting the fact that Bell is the primary bread-winner in the family. Studies show men have higher levels of stress if their wives earn more than 40% of their home's combined income.

About a third of women in the U.S. make more than their husbands.

While Shepard has had a successful career, acting in films such as "Idiocracy" and "Without a Paddle," Bell has starred in some major hits including, "Forgetting Sarah Marshall" and the "Bad Moms" films.

She's also made a pretty penny voicing Princess Anna in Disney's "Frozen" franchise.

"I think I've always out-earned him," Bell said about their careers. "I got a lot of opportunity, you're sharing in it, we're able to provide for a ton of our family members who may or may not be struggling," she continued, as if addressing Shepard. "I don't look at it like, 'This is mine and this is yours.' I'm like, 'This is ours. Get over it.'"

Bell believes that the couple's ability to get over petty jealousy is one way to make sure their unique relationship stands the test of time.

"Do you want to be on the porch with someone when you're 80?" Bell asked. "We both want that."


This article originally appeared on 5.6.21

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Joy

London street artist has a hilarious year-long battle with a graffiti-removal crew

It was a true chess match.

via YouTube

History is full of great stories about bitter battles between loyal opposition. In basketball, there was Magic Johnson and Larry Bird. In the '80s, harsh political battles were fought between Ronald Reagan and Tip O'Neill. But all of these rivals respected their opposition as competitors in their respective fields. Now, a year-long battle between a cleaning crew and a street artist can be added to history's legendary battles between loyal opposition.

Mobstr is a London-based street artist famous for the sarcastic typographic-based graffiti he's written across London's walls and billboards. His cat-and-mouse relationship with an unidentified city worker began on July 17, 2014, and would continue for an entire year.

"I cycled past this wall on the way to work for years," Mobstr wrote on his website. " I noticed that graffiti painted within the red area was 'buffed' with red paint. However, graffiti outside of the red area would be removed via pressure washing. This prompted the start of an experiment. Unlike other works, I was very uncertain as to what results it would yield.”

Watch the video below and see what happens:

This article originally appeared on 09.23.17.

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Pop Culture

Guy reveals why the 'old man praying’ painting you see everywhere is not what it seems

It started as a photograph.

via Wikimedia Commons

The Minnesota state photograph "Grace" by Eric Enstrom depicts traveling salesman Charles Wilden in Bovey, Minnesota.

The painting of an old devout man praying over a bowl of gruel and a loaf of bread in front of a Bible is one of the most popular pieces of 20th century American art. The piece is called “Grace” and you’ll find it in homes, churches and even restaurants.

I clearly remember there was a copy of it hanging on the wall at my corner burger joint, Mack’s Burgers, in Torrance, California, in the ’80s. Sadly, it’s been torn down and is now a Jack in the Box.

However ubiquitous the photo may be, a new video by pop culture YouTube user Austin McConnell shows that “Grace” isn’t really what it seems.

“Grace” was originally a photograph taken in 1918, during World War I, by Eric Enstrom, a Swedish American from Bovey, Minnesota. Enstrom was preparing some photographs to take with him to a convention when Charles Wilden, a salesman selling boot scrapers, came to his door, and he know he had to take his photo.

“There was something about the old gentleman’s face that immediately impressed me. I saw that he had a kind face… there weren’t any harsh lines in it,” Enstrom said. “I wanted to take a picture that would show people that even though they had to do without many things because of the war they still had much to be thankful for,” he added.

“There was something about the old gentleman’s face that immediately impressed me. I saw that he had a kind face… there weren’t any harsh lines in it,” Enstrom said. “I wanted to take a picture that would show people that even though they had to do without many things because of the war they still had much to be thankful for,” he added.

Enstrom posed Wilden in front of a loaf of bread, a bowl—which may have been empty—and a large book that many assume to be the Bible. But, as McConnell notes, the book is far too large to be the good book, as most people assume. The Grand Forks Herald claims that a receipt for payment from Enstrom to Wilden reveals that the book is a dictionary.

The photograph went on to be a huge hit at the convention and Enstrom began selling copies about town. After many requested copies of the photo in color, Enstrom’s daughter, Rhoda Nyberg, began hand-painting them in oils and added a streak of light on the left side of the painting. This is the version that people have come to love.

"The intent of the photo is fairly obvious,” McConnell says in the video. “Enstrom wanted an image that conveyed to people that even though they had to do without many provisions because of the ongoing war, there was still much to be thankful for. A picture that seemed to say 'this man doesn't have much of earthly goods, but he has more than most people because he has a thankful heart.'"

Enstrom convinced Wilden to sign over his rights for $5, which gave him the sole copyright. He then licensed the image to the Lutheran-affiliated Augsburg publishing house, which distributed the image across the country.

According to McConnell “thousands and thousands” of copies of the photo were sold. The image entered the public domain in 1995.

Although not much is known about Wilden, it is believed that he lived a hard life. "He was living in a very primitive sod hut near Grand Rapids, eking out a very precarious living," retired history professor Don Boese told the Grand Forks Herald. It’s also likely that he wasn’t the devout man we imagine in the photo. "The stories about him centered more around drinking and not accomplishing very much,” Boese said.

So the painting was actually a photo. The Bible, a dictionary, and the subject was more likely to be the town drunk than a saint. But, in the end, does it matter? McConnell believes that its meaning rests in the eye of the beholder.

"If you found out today that everything you thought you knew about this iconic image was actually wrong, would you take it off your wall?” McConnell asks at the end of the video. “Or would you accept that the value in a piece of art isn't merely derived from the knowledge of how it was made? Or who made it?”


This article originally appeared on 1.6.23

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Culture

A gay man was confused why women act differently around him and it's a must read for straight men

"What you're seeing is them relaxing."

Unsplash

A 30-year-old gay man took to r/NoStupidQuestions with, one could argue, a question that put the name of the subreddit to the test.

"Why do women behave so strangely until they find out I'm gay?"

User u/taco_nacho_burrito wrote that when he talks to women, they start off "super quiet, reserved, uninterested in making any sort of effort into whatever the interaction is."

Once he turns on the more flamboyant side of his personality, or mentions his boyfriend, the interactions do a 180 and women become "bright, bubbly and conversational."

Why is that?

Women were quick to chime in with the obvious answer. And more than a few stories.

man and woman facing each other at a bar Photo by LexScope on Unsplash

User sunny_hill_1 put it the best and most succinctly:

"Many times if a girl is bright, conversational, nice, and kind to a straight man, these straight men will take it as flirting. So women act reserved and uninterested to not invite romantic attention. Once they realize that you aren't going to be interested in them, they relax and can act bright and bubbly without it being taken the wrong way."

As if there was any doubt, the women in the comments came with receipts.

User S0baka wrote how they once touched a guy friend on the forearm and he went on have a relentless and aggressive crush on her for two years. Two years for a friendly forearm touch!

u/premadecookiedough writes: "Had a coworker of about 3 days once break up with his gf because I'm a totally easy lay and have been all over him at work. He bragged about it to multiple coworkers. Someone had to break it to him that I am both gay and in a relationship and I really was just being friendly."

u/Saturniids84 added: "The years I spent working retail/waitressing taught me men will convince themselves you are into them if you give them nothing more than a polite smile and friendly customer service. Just about every young female coworker I ever had ended up with a stalker or two. You learn young not to give men anything they could remotely misinterpret as interest."

"The potential threat disappears with your assumed heterosexuality. What you're seeing is them relaxing," explains u/pootles_carrot

How straight men can make women more comfortable in conversation

woman in black and white crew neck shirt smiling Photo by Megan Bucknall on Unsplash

The explanation makes total sense. It's not that women are suddenly excited about the (problematic) prospect of having a "gay best friend," it's that they feel safe enough to actually let their personality out without repercussions.

But where does that leave heterosexual men who want the women they interact with to feel safe? What do you do if you don't want someone to feel uncomfortable talking to you, but you don't know how to counteract the years of conditioning that have led them to that survival instinct?

Some of the Reddit commenters had some good ideas, and I reached out to a few experts, as well. Here are some tips — not for dating or flirting — but for how to have better and more positive human interactions.

Be mindful of proximity and touch.

Don't stand too close or attempt any physical contact, even if it's friendly.

"It’s much better to get to be too impersonal early on than coming off too strongly," says Thomas Banta, a clinical mental health counselor.

Talk to women like men

"Pay attention to how you talk to women vs the other men in your life," adds Banta. "If you’re saying [something] to a woman you’d never say to a guy, there’s a good chance that what you’re saying can be interpreted as flirty or boundary pushing."

Avoid physical compliments

"Compliments or observations should center around shared experiences, ideas, or interests, rather than anything that could be misinterpreted as personal or suggestive," suggests Joseph Cavins, a licensed marriage and family therapist.

"When a woman feels like she is being appreciated for her thoughts and perspectives, it fosters a sense of ease and mutual respect.

Be clear about intentions, but don't overexplain

Being explicit in the fact that you're not flirting can be reassuring, but don't overdo it.

Cavins adds that trying too hard to prove you're a good guy can come across as manipulative.

Be woman-approved

"Women trust 'straight' men that have been verified by other women. You having a baby is enough signal for women to feel safer around you and let their guard down" writes reddit user a_chill_transplant.

If you're really just looking for a friendly chat, bringing along a female friend or going out of your way to mention your spouse could help lower a person's guard.

If you can't be gay, be old!

The general consensus seems to be that the older the man, the less likely he is to get weird.

"Men absolutely become safer with age and the exact same compliments go from hackles up to, 'oh, thank you'." - breadystinellis

Although, commenters in the thread point out, be extra careful here. The betrayal and disgust when a so-called "safe" older guy turns creepy can be devastating.

It's heartbreaking to read how young the conditioning starts for most women. By the time most are 13 or so, they're already starting to learn how to suppress their personalities in certain situations so as not to give men "the wrong idea."

Straight guys can help by a) not being creeps and b) not getting upset when women we don't know are cold or standoffish. They have a lifetime of data that says they probably can't trust us.

Trust is something that has to be earned.

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Modern Families

'To My Wife' letter, with twist ending, is a masterclass in marital communication

A legendary marital prank we can all learn from.

Evan Porter/Upworthy

Digital creator joyyunspeakable woke up to a sight that would send anyone into an utter tailspin.

Her husband of eleven years had left her a note. On the envelope, a cryptic and heart-pounding message:

"To my wife."

Inside the envelope, a letter read: "Let me start this off by saying that I Love You dearly. You mean the world to me. However..."

You don't need to be a marriage counselor to know that's not good news.

She feared the worst.

Joyyunspeakable shared a photo of the letter on social media with the caption, "Ladies ... choose yourself. I woke up to this nonsense after almost 11 years of marriage."

If you click the image and read closely, however, you'll find that the husband's letter isn't at all what it seems! It reads:

"Dear wife,

"Let me start this off by saying that I Love You dearly. You mean the world to me. However i owe it to myself as well as you to be completely honest with you. I have to come forward with my truth. I hate to do it this way but it's now or never because what I'm about to say has to be said."

The husband's 'truth'? He wanted to watch the basketball game that night without being bothered.

The husband, Fred, was extremely clear that he would be watching the New York Knicks kick off their NBA season that evening, and he would not be engaging in any outside activities during that time.

"No I will not watch our shows with you," he wrote. "No i will not get you something sweet. I will not take the dog out. ... I will sit on my couch, drink in hand and I will watch the game."

My personal favorite part is the P.S. at the end.

"The child may stay up past bedtime only if he watches the game with me. If he doesn't want to watch then off to bed with him. Thanks"

Everyone has needs in a marriage, including the need for alone time! Learning to communicate those needs in a healthy way isn't always easy

This 'Fred' sounds like a stand up dude.

He's firmly stated his need to watch the game, alone, without being interrupted. And he's done it in a funny way that reduces conflict and makes his wife laugh.

(He also encourages discussion by inviting his wife to contact him with any questions.)

Having alone time in a marriage or partnership is crucial, and can strengthen your connection with your partner! So it's easy to see this as just another "man wants to watch sports," story when really it's a "committed husband and father wants to fill his own cup" story.

Telling your partner that you want to be alone without hurting their feelings isn't always easy. Fred has managed to do it in a hilarious and effective way.

The story and photos quickly went viral across all social media platforms, drawing responses from Sports Illustrated, Yahoo! Sports, and DraftKings, to name just a few.

Almost unanimously, everyone agreed the prank was hysterical.

One user did chime in, though: "This is funny, but what is it with men and sports that makes them get like this? I don't understand, it's weird."

Joyyunspeakable simply said: "He forgets I exist and I love it because I like my alone time [too]"

Win win!

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