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5 things I didn't want to hear when I was grieving and 1 thing that helped

Here are my top five things not to say to a grieving parent — and the thing I love to hear instead.

5 things I didn't want to hear when I was grieving and 1 thing that helped


In 2013, I found out I was pregnant with triplets.

Image via iStock.

My husband and I were in shock but thrilled at the news after dealing with infertility for years. And it didn't take long for the comments to begin. When people found out, the usual remarks followed: "Triplets?! What are you going to do? Three kids at once?! Glad it's not me!"

After mastering my response (and an evil look reserved for the rudest comments), I figured that was the worst of it. But little did I know I would be facing far worse comments after two of my triplets passed away.

On June 23, 2013, I gave birth to my triplets, more than four months premature.

My daughter, Abigail, passed away that same day; my son, Parker, died just shy of 2 months old. Before then, I didn't know much about child loss; it was uncharted territory. Like most people, I wouldn't know how to respond or what to say if a friend's child passed away.

Image via iStock.

But two years later, I have found that some things are better left unsaid. These comments come from a good place, and I know people mean well, but they sure do sting.

Here are my top five things not to say to a grieving parent — and the thing I love to hear instead.

1. "Everything happens for a reason."

It's a cringeworthy comment for those of us who have lost a child. Sometimes, there is no rhyme or reason for why things happen in life. A parent should not outlive their child. I don't know why my body couldn't handle my pregnancy or why I went into labor at 22 weeks.

This phrase goes along with another I often hear: "God only gives us what we can handle." I remember talking with my childhood rabbi the night before my son passed away, and I asked her, "Why me?" Her response is something I now live by every single day. She said, "God doesn't give us only what we can handle. He helps us handle what we've been given."

2. "They are in a better place."

Instead of comforting, this is a phrase that makes me feel down in the dumps. I longed to be a parent for so many years. And children are meant to be in the loving arms of their parents.

I think I speak for every grieving mother and father when I say, we would give anything to hold our babies again.

3. "At least you have one survivor. Count your blessings."

I like to think of myself as a positive person. But even two years later, my heart still aches for Parker and Abby. And on the most difficult, dark days of grief, it's hard to "count my blessings."

Yes, I am blessed. I have a gorgeous miracle child who is the light of my life. But Peyton should be playing with her brother and sister in our home, not just waving to their pictures and blowing kisses to heaven.

4. "You are still young. You can have more children."

It doesn't matter whether or not our biological clock is ticking. Many people have no idea what couples go through to have a child: Some can't have children of their own; others may face years of infertility or miscarriages. And for people like me, trying for more children may be something too scary to even think about. I came close to death after delivering my children — that's enough to scar me for life.

5. "I don't know how you do it. I couldn't imagine losing two children."

Some days I don't know how I do it either. But we learn how to live with it. We learn a "new normal," and in those tough moments, we celebrate that we survived the day. This comment is a difficult reminder of our grief and the children who were sent to heaven.

So, what should you say to a grieving parent?

Image via iStock.

There are no words to take the pain away, of course, but simply letting that person know you are there for them is more than enough.

For me, the best thing someone can do is to talk about my angels. Say Parker and Abby by name, and don't be afraid to ask questions about them.

While they were only here for a short time, they left a huge imprint on this world. I love talking about my angels, and simply hearing someone else mention them by name is enough to wipe away the grief and warm my heart for days.


This article was written by Stacey Skrysak and originally appeared on 7.15.16

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'Wheel of Fortune' fans left shocked after contestant wins $50,000 solving impossible puzzle

“How in the world did you solve that last one?” asked host Ryan Seacrest.

Wheel of Fortune/Youtube

That was quite impressive.

Listen, while we all love a hilarious Wheel of Fortune fail, watching an epic win can be just as entertaining. And that’s exactly what recently happened on The Wheel when a contestant named Traci Demus-Gamble made a winning puzzle solve so out-of-nowhere that it made host Ryan Seacrest jokingly check her for a hidden earpiece.

In a clip posted to the show’s YouTube account Friday, Jan. 17, Demus-Gamble waved to her husband who was standing on the sidelines before going up to the stage for her next challenge: guess a four-word “phrase.”

Demus-Gamble wasn’t off to a great start, as only two of her given letters (“T” and “E”) made it to the board. And the odds didn’t improve much after Demus-Gamble, admittedly “nervous,” gave the letters “M,” “C,” “D,” and “O” and only two of those letters showed up once on the board.

“Again, not too much more, but who knows, you’ve had a lot of good luck tonight,” Seacrest said. “Maybe it’ll strike you.”

Then, all in under ten seconds (more like in 1.5 seconds), Demus-Gamble correctly guessed, “They go way back” like it was nothing.

Watch the incredible moment below:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

As the audience cheered, Seacrest playfully circled Demus-Gamble, as though searching for an earpiece that must have fed her the winning guess. Down in the comments, people were equally floored.

“Now THAT was an amazing solve.”

“Wow! That was impressive!”

“I couldn't solve that one to save my life, but Demus-Gamble got it like it was nothing.”

“There's only one way to describe this to me: 😦”

At the end of the clip, Seacrest opened the envelope to reveal that Demus-Gamble’s puzzle solve won her $50,000, earning her a total win of $78,650. Certainly not chump change.

As for her winning strategy—Demus-Gamble assured no cheating was involved. “I just dug deep," she told Seacrest. We’ll say.

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Mental Health

Do you have RSD? How to combat the rejection disorder that many unknowingly live with

Everything doesn't have to be taken personally but RSD may make you believe it does.

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Many people live with RSD but have no idea, this can help

RSD is a disorder that many still don't know exists, even though they may be impacted by it personally or know someone who is. The acronym stands for Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria and while it's not yet formally recognized by the American Psychiatric Association, many clinicians treat clients who display the symptoms.

RSD typically impacts people with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder and Autism Spectrum Disorder to varying degrees. It's called a dysphoria because in involved perceived rejection which oftentimes results in extreme feelings of unease. The rejection isn't always happening but a person with RSD has a heightened sensitivity to being rejected so until they receive reassurance, they can become tearful or anxious.

During a moment of RSD someone may cry, tremble, breathe heavily or even have a full blown panic attack at the rejection or fear of rejection. The person that might have triggered the response likely never witnesses the full reaction as the initial response can look like anger or suddenly going silent. So what triggers someone's RSD? It's not always rejection in the traditional sense.

Pop Tv No GIF by Schitt's CreekGiphy

Cherry, a mom with RSD shares a video of what it looks like when she's struggling with the disorder and things that can trigger it for her.

"This is what rejection sensitivity dysphoria (rsd) looks like: you shake, you sweat, you cry and you can't think of anything but the perceived or real rejection/judgement. This happens every time you feel judged, disliked, excluded, rejected, disagreed with or disapproved of causing an intense fear of rejection," Cherry shares via text overlay before showing how badly her hands are trembling.


@cherry.adhd this was hard in so many different ways. 1 to film and edit but 2 to experience yet again. this is very vulnerable but I hope posting it will make some of you feel less alone and hopefully one step closer to healing and feeling better because I know you've got this. you deserve to love yourself regardless of what other people think ❤️ #adhdinwomen #rsd #rejectionsensitivedysphoria #adhdrsd #adhdmentalhealth ♬ Escapism. - Super Sped Up - RAYE

Because people who live with RSD feel rejection so strongly, they can start to avoid interactions with others in an attempt to avoid rejection. To outside eyes, this may appear to be social anxiety or introversion, but in reality many crave connection with others but are afraid they may be rejected.

Avoiding interacting with other people doesn't always end at social interactions with friends, this can also impact jobs, dating or communicating with other parents if the person has children. But avoidance isn't the only response people with RSD have. They can also become overly accommodating, otherwise known as "people pleasers." In order to avoid the sting of rejection, some people with the condition will work really hard to do things that make other people happy with them even if it's to their own detriment.

The Office I Give Up GIFGiphy

They can develop low self-esteem, an inferiority complex, perfectionism and negative self-talk. This disorder is suspected to be genetic and neurologically linked to ADHD, it can be compounded upon by a buildup of feelings of rejection from childhood. The overcorrection of behaviors that are typical of children with undiagnosed or untreated ADHD. Kids with ADHD can also experience painful rejection from their peers who deem their behaviors "weird" or "rude," like the constant need to move or excessive verbal interruptions.

Playing Happy Children GIF by MOODMANGiphy

Children can internalize the constant correction from caregivers and the negative response from peers as rejection to natural parts of themselves. These small moments continue to add up over a person's lifetime which can add to symptoms of RSD as an adult. But there are a few things people can try on their own to reduce or shorten their symptoms.

1. Therapy

Individual therapy with a therapist trained in treating people with ADHD can help you develop skills to use in the moment. Don't be afraid to shop around to find he right fit for you.

2. Grounding exercises

When you're experiencing moments of RSD, your body feels very dysregulated. Try doing box breathing to help calm your nervous system. You do that by breathing in through your nose for four counts, hold for four, then out through your mouth for four counts. Repeat as often as you need in order to feel regulated.

Lay Down Round Table GIF by DiscipleGiphy

3. Thought stopping

Thought stopping can come in many forms, some people like to visualize a stop sign while others use a stimuli like the snapping of a rubber band on their wrist. This helps to break the negative thought pattern giving you time to utilize a coping skill.

4. Positive self-talk

The best way to combat negative-self talk is to actively shift it to positive self-talk. If your brain is saying everyone hates you, drown it out by pointing out how likable you are. It sounds and feels silly at first but it's effective.

5. Ask

If you just can't stop ruminating on if someone is upset with you or is no longer interested in being your friend, you can take a deep breath and ask. Will it be scary? Yes. Are you already holding back tears from the feeling of rejection that may or may not have occurred? If the answer is yes, asking will give you a definitive answer. Have ice cream and tissues on standby, but chances are you won't need them.

This article was written by Jacalyn Wetzel, Licensed Clinical Social Worker and practicing therapist.

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Internet

Gen Zer asks Gen X how they got around without GPS and the answers are perfectly accurate

"We're old. Older than Google, too."

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Gen Zer asks how people got around without GPS, Gen X responds

It's easy to forget what life was like before cell phones fit in your pocket and Google could tell you the meaning of life in less than .2 seconds. Gen Z is the first generation to be born after technology began to move faster than most people can blink. They never had to deal with the slow speeds and loud noises of dial up internet.

In fact, most people that fall in the Gen Z category have no idea that their parents burned music on a CD thinking that was peak mix tape technology. Oh, how wrong they were. Now songs live in a cloud but somehow come out of your phone without having to purchase the entire album or wait until the radio station plays the song so you can record it.

But Gen Z has never lived that struggle so the idea of things they consider to be basic parts of life not existing are baffling to them. One self professed Gen Zer, Aneisha, took to social media to ask a question that has been burning on her mind–how did people travel before GPS?

Now, if you're older than Gen Z–whose oldest members are just 27 years old–then you likely know the answer to the young whippersnapper's question. But even some Millennials had trouble answering Aneisha's question as several people matter of factly pointed to Mapquest. A service that requires–you guessed it, the internet.

Aneisha asks in her video, "Okay, serious question. How did people get around before the GPS? Like, did you guys actually pull a map and like draw lines to your destination? But then how does that work when you're driving by yourself, trying to hold up the map and drive? I know it's Gen Z of me but I kind of want to know."

@aneishaaaaaaaaaaa I hope this reaches the right people, i want to know
♬ original sound - aneishaaaaaaa

These are legitimate questions for someone who has never known life without GPS. Even when most Millennials were starting to drive, they had some form of internet to download turn-by-turn directions, so it makes sense that the cohort between Gen Z and Gen X would direct Aneisha to Mapquest. But there was a time before imaginary tiny pirates lived inside of computer screens to point you in the right direction and tales from those times are reserved for Gen X.

The generation known for practically raising themselves chimed in, not only to sarcastically tell Millennials to sit down but to set the record straight on what travel was like before the invention of the internet. Someone clearly unamused by younger folks' suggestion shares, "The people saying mapquest. There was a time before the internet kids."

Others are a little more helpful, like one person who writes, "You mentally note landmarks, intersections. Pretty easy actually," they continue. "stop at a gas station, open map in the store, ($4.99), put it back (free)."

"Believe it or not, yes we did use maps back then. We look at it before we leave, then take small glances to see what exits to take," someone says, which leaves Aneisha in disbelief, replying, "That's crazyy, I can't even read a map."

"Pulled over and asked the guy at the gas station," one person writes as another chimes in under the comment, "and then ask the guy down the street to make sure you told me right."

Imagine being a gas station attendant in the 90s while also being directionally challenged. Was that part of the hiring process, memorizing directions for when customers came in angry or crying because they were lost? Not knowing where you were going before the invention of the internet was also a bit of a brain exercise laced with exposure therapy for those with anxiety. There were no cell phones so if you were lost no one who cared about you would know until you could find a payphone to check in.

The world is so overly connected today that the idea of not being able to simply share your location with loved ones and "Ask Siri" when you've gotten turned around on your route seems dystopian. But in actuality, if you took a few teens from 1993 and plopped them into 2024 they'd think they were living inside of a sci-fi movie awaiting aliens to invade.

Technology has made our lives infinitely easier and nearly unrecognizable from the future most could've imagined before the year 2000, so it's not Gen Z's fault that they're unaware of how the "before times" were. They're simply a product of their generation.

This article originally appeared last year.

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Education

One word that explains why the world feels 'deeply off' for so many people

There's a term for this collective feeling so many of us are experience.

Photo credit: Canva

If your'e feeling a disconnect, you're not alone.

Many of us, for many reasons, are feeling a deep sense of disconnection between what is happening in the world around us, and how society acknowledges those events…or doesn’t. Whether it’s about climate change or our current political regime or whether or not we’re using technology ethically, there’s this viscerally felt notion that old systems are no longer working. All the while, life seems to be going on as normal. Which can be as crazy-making as any other type of gaslighting.

For those that are feeling this way, that something is deeply off with the world,” author and digital anthropologist Rahaf Harfoush says “you’re not alone.” and inf act, there’s actually a name for this collective feeling. It’s called hypernormalization.

As Harfoush explained in an Instagram video, hypernormalization was a term first coined by historian Alexei Yurchak in his 2005 book Everything Was Forever, Until It Was No More: The Last Soviet Generation. In it, Yurchak described the paradox of living in the Soviet Union before its dissolution in 1991, when everyone knew the system was failing, but since no one could imagine a possible alternative to the status quo, politicians and citizens alike were resigned to maintaining the pretense of a functioning society. Sound familiar?

Years later, filmmaker Adam Curtis took this concept and ran with it for his 2016 BBC documentary, aptly titled HyperNormalisation, which essentially argued that this time period—and events like the rise of Trumpism, Brexit, the War in Syria, and more—was a self fulfilling prophecy of sorts, causing world leaders to give up on trying to reshape the world, and opt instead to establish a similar, albeit “fake” world for the benefit of corporations.

The documentary also posited that the West’s fixation on individualism played its own part in this. By and large people are too concerned with themselves to worry of the greater reality unfolding behind the scenes. The combination results in inexplicable, chaotic events that keep happening, which are either denied, are accepted as normal. Again, this might hit close to home.

Hypernormalisation, Hypernormalisation documentary, documentaryStill from HypernormalisationThe Guardian

As Harfoush explains, hypernormalization today looks a lot like “the disconnect between seeing that systems are failing, that things aren’t working, that structures are crumbling, that society is going through these massive shifts, and yet the institutions and the people that are in power just are like ignoring it and are pretending like everything is going to go on the way that it has.”

“We all know that that’s not true, so you are feeling the discomfort between what you know to be true and how you’re seeing people react to it,” she concluded, reassuring that, “your vibes are not off. Your instincts are not off. There’s a term for it. You’re welcome.”

This insight doesn’t necessarily solve the issue, but it can certainly help us begin seeing things a little more objectively. After all, change doesn’t happen without first exposing the absurdity for what it is.

By the way, you can watch the full version of Curtis’ HyperNormalisation documentary on Youtube.

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Joy

Service dog sees his favorite character on a Disney cruise and utterly loses his cool

Pure. Joy.

Photo credit: Canva

Service dogs deserve vacations, too.

Service dogs are professionals who are trained to be attentive, helpful and extremely well-behaved for their owners who rely on them for everyday living. They aren't easily distracted and have solid control over their impulses because their job performance is vital to humans who need them. No one wants a service dog going rogue.

But underneath all of that self-control and professionalism, service dogs are still dogs, as an adorable reunion on a Disney cruise ship makes delightfully clear.

Ashton McGrady is a content creator who shares her adventures with her Golden Retriever service dog, Forest, who has an affinity for Disney characters. In one video, she shows Forest choosing his own stuffy at a Disney gift shop, even putting the money on the counter to pay for it himself. But another video of Forest being reunited with his favorite character, Pluto, has people the world over feeling his joy vicariously.

Watch:

@radiantlygolden

proof that distance won’t keep the very best of friends apart ❤️🚢✨ we love you pluto!!! #servicedog #servicedogteam #disneytiktok #disneycruiseline #disneycruise #hostedbydisney

Ashton calls Forest her "best pal and lifesaver," and it's clear from her videos that they make a great team. People loved seeing the good doggo get to let loose and enjoy a romp with Pluto and how the cast member interacted with him as well.

"Those dogs are such good pups and work so hard to keep their owners safe, it’s nice to see them play for a bit ❤️"

"This is the most golden retriever golden I’ve ever seen 🥰🥰🥰"

"i just know the actor under the costume was having the best day ever."

"DID PLUTO WAG HIS OWN TAIL??? This is the best thing I’ve seen all day"

"It's like the Disney hug rule applies to dogs...but it's play with them until they are done."

The "Disney hug rule" referenced here is an apparently unofficial "rule" that DIsney cast members when dressed in character don't end a child's hug until the child let's go—basically letting the child hug the character as long as they want to. It's not an actual rule, but it's a thoughtful practice some cast members use to make sure their young guests don't leave a character meet disappointed.

For Forest, the equivalent is playing until he (or his owner—he's on the job, after all) decides he's done.

This isn't the first time Forest has had a touching reunion with Pluto. Ashton shared another video with a similar interaction—it's clear that Pluto truly is Forest's bestie.

@radiantlygolden

I just want to go back to this moment 🥹 if you’re friends with pluto and you see this, you made our entire day ♥️ #waltdisneyworld #wdw50 #epcotfestivalofthearts #festivalofthearts #epcot #charactermeetandgreet #disneytiktok #distok #servicedog #servicedogteam #servicedogsatdisney


Ashton also uses social media to educate people about service dogs, as there are a lot of misunderstandings out there about what service animals are, how they work, and where they are allowed to be.

Though service dogs and their owners will often naturally form a bond, a service dog is not a pet; it's a working animal that assists a person with disabilities or health conditions. In fact, service animals are considered medical equipment, in the same category as a wheelchair or an oxygen tank, and they are allowed to go anywhere the person they are serving would normally be allowed to go—even if other animals are not allowed. As the Americans with Disabilities Act website states: "Under the ADA, State and local governments, businesses, and nonprofit organizations that serve the public generally must allow service animals to accompany people with disabilities in all areas of the facility where the public is allowed to go."

Service dogs are sometimes confused with emotional support animals, but they are not the same thing. Service animals are trained to do specific tasks related to mitigating a person's disability, which could range from recognizing when their owner is needing medical attention to reminding them to take a medication to guiding them around an obstacle or across a street.

@radiantlygolden

If a business is not pet-friendly, they may only ask these TWO questions! note: “emotional support” is NOT considered a valid answer to question 2. thank you @Disney Parks for this great example of how it should be done. #servicedog #servicedoglife #servicedogteam #disabilitytiktok #disneyparks

There are some guidelines and laws that govern how the general public as well as private businesses should interact with service animals. First, no one should pet a service animal unless their handler specifically invites them to. Second, there are only two questions a business owner or their staff members are allowed to ask a person with a service dog: 1) Is the dog a service animal who is required because of a disability? And 2) What work or task has the dog been trained to perform? They are not allowed to ask for documentation, ask what disability the person has or ask that the dog demonstrate what they can do.

For people who need them, service animals like Forest are a vital part of living a full life. They are also working professionals who deserve a break now and then, so it's fun to see this good doggo having the time of his life with his buddy, Pluto.

You can follow Ashton on TikTok and YouTube.

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