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transgender

Identity

My wife surprised her coworkers when she came out as trans. Then they surprised her.

She was ready for one reaction but was greeted with a beautiful response.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

Zoe comes out to her coworkers.

Society, pay attention. This is important.

My wife, Zoe, is transgender. She came out to us — the kids and me — last summer and then slowly spread her beautiful feminine wings with extended family, friends, and neighbors.

A little coming out here, a little coming out there — you know how it is.

It's been a slow, often challenging process of telling people something so personal and scary, but pretty much everyone has been amazing.

However, she dreaded coming out at the office.

She works at a large technology company, managing a team of software developers in a predominantly male office environment. She's known many of her co-workers and employees for 15 or so years. They have called her "he" and "him" and "Mr." for a very long time. How would they handle the change?

While we have laws in place in Ontario, Canada, to protect the rights of transgender employees, it does not shield them from awkwardness, quiet judgment, or loss of workplace friendships. Your workplace may not become outright hostile, but it can sometimes become a difficult place to go to every day because people only tolerate you rather than fully accept you.

But this transition needed to happen, and so Zoe carefully crafted a coming out email and sent it to everyone she works with.

The support was immediately apparent; she received about 75 incredibly kind responses from coworkers, both local and international.

She then took one week off, followed by a week where she worked solely from home. It was only last Monday when she finally went back to the office.

First day back at work! I asked if I could take a "first day of school" type picture with her lunchbox. She said no. Spoilsport.

Despite knowing how nice her colleagues are and having read so many positive responses to her email, she was understandably still nervous.

Hell, I was nervous. I made her promise to text me 80 billion times with updates and was more than prepared to go down there with my advocacy pants on if I needed to (I might be a tad overprotective).

And that's when her office pals decided to show the rest of us how to do it right.

She got in and found that a couple of them had decorated her cubicle to surprise her:

Her cubicle decorated with butterflies.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

Butterflies! Streamers! Rainbows! OMG!

And made sure her new name was prominently displayed in a few locations:

Zoe written on the board.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

They got her a beautiful lily with a "Welcome, Zoe!" card:

Welcome lily and card

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

And this tearjerker quote was waiting for her on her desk:

A quote from Oscar Wilde.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

To top it all off, a 10 a.m. "meeting" she was scheduled to attend was actually a coming out party to welcome her back to work as her true self — complete with coffee and cupcakes and handshakes and hugs.

Coming out party with cupcakes.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

(I stole one, and it was delicious.)

NO, I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

I did go to my wife's office that day. But instead of having my advocacy pants on, I had my hugging arms ready and some mascara in my purse in case I cried it off while thanking everyone.

I wish we lived in a world where it was no big deal to come out.

Sadly, that is not the case for many LGBTQ people. We live in a world of bathroom bills and "religious freedom" laws that directly target the members of our community. We live in a world where my family gets threats for daring to speak out for trans rights. We live in a world where we can't travel to certain locations for fear of discrimination — or worse.

So when I see good stuff happening — especially when it takes place right on our doorstep — I'm going to share it far and wide. Let's normalize this stuff. Let's make celebrating diversity our everyday thing rather than hating or fearing it.

Chill out, haters. Take a load off with us.

It's a lot of energy to judge people, you know. It's way more fun to celebrate and support them for who they are.

Besides, we have cupcakes.

This article originally appeared on 04.08.16.

From Your Site Articles

lgbtq

Identity

Trans man shares the body language he learned to work with ‘intimidating’ men at steel mill

A brilliant cheat sheet for men everywhere.

via TheGravelBro/TikTok and PEO ACWA/Flickr

Leo Macallan transitioned to male and joined the blue-collar workforce.

Leo Macallan is an actor, trans model, author and a confessed keen observer of human behavior. As a transgender man, he is in the unique position of being able to understand gender-based behavior from multiple perspectives.

After transitioning, Macallan worked blue-collar jobs alongside a lot of men who weren't exactly accepting of transgender people or those who were different. So, he had to learn to adjust his body language and communication style to feel comfortable and project an air of confidence in an aggressive environment.

To share his knowledge with others who may be uncomfortable in male-dominated environments, he created a video where he revealed his body language and communication tips. Macallan also shared how to observe the group of men to determine the hierarchy and how to react to offensive behavior.

Here are his 4 most important tips:

Some advice from papa bear

@thegravelbro
some advice from papa bear #ftm #transgender #fyp #transman #beard

1. Go Slow

"Walking fast, fast hand movements, they just read nervous,” he said. “Even when I do the dumbest things, I do them slow. Say I was at the supermarket and I dropped [a bottle of soda]...I would lean down very, very slowly, very casually, like the laziest lion in the den."

"It's all about the presentation and the perception of who you are and what you're doing," Macallan added.

2. Body language

"I want you to spread out as much as you can,” he said. “Put your arm across the chair. Any time I'm sitting down and there's a chair next to me, guess what? I'm pushing the chair out, I'm putting my whole arm over it and I'm leaning back with my chin up and I'm crossing my legs or stretching them out. Don't do that around girls.”

He says that spreading out is a "powerful stance," and it will trick your mind into calming down.

See on Instagram

3. Control your laughter

"If you're within a dude and he's making a joke and you don't think it's funny, don't laugh,” he said. “Just sit there. The art of not filling space also emanates confidence. You don't have to fill the space. If they say something really offensive or are trying to f*** with you, all you have to say is, 'What was that? Can you repeat that?' and say it real loud. Watch them squirm."

4. Be the observer

"You need to practice being the observer and not the observed,” he said. “The minute you switch that perspective, you can calm down."

Macallan’s final takeaway is that even though men you’ll find on blue-collar work sites may appear to be in control and know precisely what they’re doing, a lot of it is actually an act. The best part, it’s one that you can learn, too.

"I can't tell you how many times I stood in that steel mill with a bunch of other dudes around me and they're all scratching their bellies like confused orangutans, but they're making a s***ton of money, " he said. "So, keep that in mind. That helped me face a lot of my fears."

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lgbtq

Identity

Trans woman explains the financial costs of being trans in a reality-checking video

Not everyone can afford to "pass."

Alluring Skull|TikTok and Julia Pomodoro|Canva

Trans woman details the cost of being trans in heartfelt video.

Being transgender in America isn't easy, especially given the current political climate around trans rights. But it seems that people forget it's not just policies that make it difficult to be trans, as the cost of transitioning can be astronomically out of reach for some individuals.

No matter how badly a person wants to do more than socially transition, medical transitions are not typically covered by insurance. So any medical procedures someone has to affirm their gender can cost thousands and thousands of dollars out of pocket. Even socially transitioning can come with a hefty price tag.

One trans woman, Jory, who goes by Alluring Skull on TikTok, is setting the record straight on the cost for trans people to "pass" in society. Jory recently saved enough money to get facial feminization surgery, which can cost anywhere from $20,000 to $50,000. This surgery helps to soften the facial features of trans women who went through testosterone-driven puberty.

Jory explains in her video that before she had the facial surgery and extensions, people were chastising her for not trying harder to pass. The criticisms even came from fellow members of the trans community. But she found that after the surgery, people continued to criticize her.

"From the second day of coming out, I was told by other trans women that I don't try enough to pass. Six months later, I would receive my facial feminization surgery, to receive hundreds of comments telling me that I looked disgusting and I messed up my face," Jory says.

She goes on to say that she has been open about her transition online to show how difficult it is to be trans before listing some of the things she has to pay a lot of money for. These expenses include hundreds of dollars on her makeup, extensions and an entirely new wardrobe. This doesn't include the cost of hormones or surgeries.

Being able to afford to pass as a trans person is a privilege that not every trans person has, so they make do with what's available.

"I want people to know that being trans is extremely difficult. It's not as simple as just waking up one day and deciding you're going to pass, or you're going to be seen as the gender you are inside," Jory explains. "It takes a lot of work and a lot of money that most of us don't have access to. The median income for trans people in America is $10,000. Most of us will never be able to present in a way that aligns with who we are."

She ends the video by calling for people to be kinder to trans people by not leaving hateful comments on their videos. You can watch her heartfelt video below.

@alluringskull
#stitch with @Alluringskull #trans

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gender affirming care

Identity

Simple ways to support your trans friends when they come out.

If someone trusts you with news that they're trans, there are a few key do's and don'ts you should follow.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

Some tools to help us stand beside people we love and support.

For many gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people, one of the most personal (and sometimes scary) experiences they'll go through is the "coming out" process.

Coming out means telling others of your status as an LGBTQ person. As society is becoming more accepting of people's sexual orientation and gender identity, coming out is getting easier all the time. Even so, for many, it's still a carefully calculated process that involves planning who, how, and when to tell people in their lives.

In 2016, writer and director Lilly Wachowski — known as co-creator of "The Matrix" series of films, "Jupiter Ascending," and "Sense8" — came out publicly as transgender.

It's so great that Lilly came to that realization about herself and started living more authentically. In 2012, her sister Lana also came out as trans. What's not cool about this is the fact that Lilly was forced to out herself, in a letter she chose to share with The Windy City Times, after a reporter from The Daily Mail threatened to do it without her permission.

Lilly Wachowski, transgender, The Matrix, LGBTQ

Lilly Wachowski came out as transgender in 2016.

t.co

If someone trusts you with news that they're trans, there are a few key do's and don'ts you should follow — and telling a journalist definitely falls under "don't."

As a transgender person, one of the most common questions I get from strangers is: "My friend or family member recently told me that they're transgender. How can I support them?"

Below are five tips I give people who are thoughtful enough to ask.

1. Let them know they have your support.

If you're asking this question (or taking the time to look up an article on the subject), you're already on the right path. It's important to make sure your friend knows you're in their corner, as they're probably afraid of how others in their lives will react. A simple "If you need anything, I'm here for you" can go a long way.

2. Respect their identity, name, and pronouns.

Ask questions like "What are your pronouns?" and "How would you like me to refer to you in private and when we're around people who may not know you're transitioning?"

If somebody is just starting to come out to others, odds are that there are still some people who don't know and might still use old names and pronouns. Asking how you should react in those situations will help you avoid outing your friend to others who don't yet know.

3. Educate yourself — don't rely on your friend to educate you.

There are so many great resources on how to understand trans issues. While your friend may be happy to answer those initial personal questions about things like names and pronouns, they might become overwhelmed if you start treating them as a walking encyclopedia of all things trans.

I recommend PFLAG's amazing resource "Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People who are Transgender and Gender Expansive." The 102-page guide is a comprehensive piece of "Trans 101" literature that's bound to answer some of your questions (complete with some more thorough do's and don'ts).

4. Don't gossip about them or "out" them to others.

The only people you should be discussing your friend's gender with are people they've given you explicit permission to do so with. Going behind their back and outing them to someone they may not yet be ready to tell is not only a huge betrayal of their trust, but it could even put them in physical danger.

On top of that, when someone is hearing this news from a secondhand source (that is, you), some of the important details may get lost in translation, which get further garbled if this person tells someone else — it eventually turns into a game of telephone, and no one wants that.

A vigil for slain transgender woman Islan Nettles at Jackie Robinson Park in Harlem in 2013. Nettles was severely beaten after being approached on the street by a group of men and later died of her injuries.

5. Understand that this is not about you and your feelings.

It's OK to feel confused, and it's OK to not immediately "get it." Those feelings are completely valid, but demanding to know why your friend didn't tell you sooner (they were probably wrestling with this themselves for quite some time) or saying you feel betrayed will only hurt them during an extremely vulnerable time in their life.

Nothing you did "made" your friend trans, and it's probably less that they were hiding something from you and more that they were hiding this reality from themselves.

Whether someone is a Hollywood director or a friend from high school, we should all have the right to come out at our own pace and in our own way.

Maybe years from now the aspect that makes this seem like such juicy gossip will fade and trans people won't have to worry about being forcibly outed. Maybe years from now trans people won't need to fear that coming out will be met with job loss, homelessness, or physical harm. Until then, it's important that those of us who care for our trans friends and family members do what we can do show we're there for them.

This article originally appeared on 03.09.16. It has been lightly edited.

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community

Identity

A Texas dad gave a heart-wrenching speech about his trans son. It's a must-see.

Ken Ballard wants you to know his son's story.

Photo pulled from video

Texas dad giving heartfelt speech.

This article originally appeared on 07.06.17

A baseball cap on his head, his hands tucked snugly in his front blue jean pockets, Ken Ballard stood in front of a room of onlookers, admittedly a little out of his element.

But the issue at hand was so critical, Ballard said, he couldn't keep quiet.

Ballard was speaking during Texas' 85th Legislative Session this past winter about his 14-year-old transgender son, Ashur, who attempted suicide twice.

Ashur, like many trans people, had wrestled with his identity in a world where ignorance and irrational fear-mongering continue harming people like him.

"Was I going to be his bully?" an emotional Ballard said in response to his son's coming out. "Was I going to try and put him back into a box that fit the rules of my world at the time or wait it out and see if it would just pass and go back to the way it’d use to be?"

Advocacy group Equality Texas, who's worked with Ballard in fighting for LGBTQ rights in the state, recently shared a video of him speaking during the session. Although it was captured on video several months ago, Ballard's emotional plea in front of his fellow Texans is just now making waves online.

Since Equality Texas shared the video on Facebook, the comment section has filled with loving messages of support and admiration.

The comments, although mostly positive, are a bit bittersweet to Ballard.

"I ... see comments that too many parents missed out on what could have been an amazing journey for them and their child by not accepting them," Ballard explains. "Be as excited about your kid's life as you were at the sonogram, when 'we are having a baby' was enough."

The ongoing debate over trans rights isn't isolated in Ballard's home state. Legislatures at both the state and local level across the country are pushing forward with harmful bills this very moment.

A recently proposed Texas "bathroom bill" — which would have forced trans Texans to use the restroom that corresponds with the sex they were assigned at birth (not the gender they identify) — was just rejected by House Speaker Joe Straus, which was great news for human rights groups like Equality Texas.

But there's still much at stake in the Lone Star State and in jurisdictions from coast to coast.

A handful of states, including Montana, Virginia, and Minnesota — as well as local school boards spanning the U.S. — deliberating similar bathroom bills. Research shows these laws leave trans people even more vulnerable to dangerous circumstances in their own communities — yet, their passing doesn't protect anyone.

Chances are, equality — and trans lives — might be at stake in your own region of the country.

As for Ballard and Ashur, they're living proof that acceptance and inclusion save lives.

And, as Ballard's moving speech illustrates so well, it's important our laws reflect that critical reality.

"I've watched a kid go from someone who, 26 months ago, was in despair," Ballard says of his son's mental health. "Now, [he's] flourishing."

From Your Site Articles

Identity

Laverne Cox makes history as first transgender Barbie doll

www.flickr.com

Laverne Cox in 2016.

When kids are growing up they love to see themselves in the dolls and action figures. It adds a special little spark to a shopping trip when you hear your child say “it looks just like me.” The beaming smile and joy that exudes from their little faces in that moment is something parents cherish, and Mattel is one manufacturer that has been at the forefront of making that happen. It has created Barbies with freckles, afro puffs, wheelchairs, cochlear implants and more. The company has taken another step toward representation with its first transgender doll.

Laverne Cox, openly transgender Emmy award winning actor and LGBTQ activist, is celebrating her 50th birthday May 29, and Mattel is honoring her with her very own Barbie doll. The doll designed to represent Cox is donned in a red ball gown with a silver bodysuit. It also has accessories like high heels and jewelry to complete the look. Cox told Today, “It’s been a dream for years to work with Barbie to create my own doll.” She continued, “I can’t wait for fans to find my doll on shelves and have the opportunity to add a Barbie doll modeled after a transgender person to their collection.”

Cox has spent her career breaking barriers and being a role model for transgender people who may not have had the courage to reach for their dreams. Seeing someone on the screen that represents their struggle winning awards and being accepted could be the push someone needs to step out of their comfort zone. But Cox wasn’t always so confident. The reason it was so important for her to have her own Barbie doll came from a conversation she had with her therapist around the shame she felt growing up.

\u201cIt\u2019s giving \u201cMay the fourth be with you\u201d but sexy \ud83d\udda4\n \u2026\n#maythe4 #maythe4thbewithyou #TransIsBeautiful\u201d
— Laverne Cox (@Laverne Cox) 1651675910

Recalling the conversation in her interview, Cox said, “I was telling my therapist how I was really shamed by my mother when I was a kid when I wanted to play with a Barbie doll but I was denied. And I had a lot of shame and trauma about that,” Cox said. “And my therapist said to me, ‘It is never too late to have a happy childhood.’ She said, ‘Go out and buy yourself a Barbie and play with her. There’s a little kid that lives inside of you. Give her space to play.’ And I did.”

In an attempt to help our kids grow up happy, parents will make mistakes. After it was revealed to her that Cox felt shamed for her love of dolls as a child, Cox's mother attempted to correct her previous misstep. The actor revealed that her mother started buying her Barbie dolls as gifts. “My mother bought me a Barbie doll. And on my birthday, my mother bought me another Barbie doll. For the next several years, she would always give me Barbies,” Cox said.

\u201cLaverne Cox Honored with Special Tribute Collection Barbie Doll https://t.co/w4TgDiBfx5\u201d
— The Root (@The Root) 1653588546

Cox continued, “Barbie has been a really healing experience for me as an adult and I hope Barbie fans of all ages can find healing and inspiration in this doll,”

The Barbie was released May 25, and can be found at Walmart, Target, Amazon and MattelCreations for $40.

From Your Site Articles

LQBTQIA+

Trans comedian shares her transition journey on TikTok in an uplifting and funny way

"I am grateful for every single human being that's along with me."

Photo by Kyle on Unsplash

Transitioning is easier with humor and supporters.

Transitioning can be a scary and lonely process depending on the support system a person has available to them. In some ways it can be intimidating when the only examples someone has are people who are already fully transitioned, or have spent years living fully out as their gender discovered after birth. A comedian from Los Angeles, Dylan Mulvaney, found herself looking around for folks that were in the early stages of transitioning when she was starting her journey. She started recording videos for her own use, but quickly found herself with more than a million followers.

Mulvaney had discovered long ago that she was indeed a girl, and made the declaration to her mother at the age of 4, she told Good Morning America. "When I was 4 years old, I came to my mom and said, 'Mom I'm a girl trapped in a boy's body. Help!'” Mulvaney began her transition journey at the age of 25, stating that "ultimately, I had to do that to honor who I truly am. And now I've never been happier. And it feels so good to know that, like, all of the darkness throughout my life, all of the experiences that I've gone through ... the hard conversations have all been worth it."

Mulvaney has been sharing her journey with humor and while her videos were meant to be a sort of diary to mark how far she has come, she has been touched by the amount of support she has received. She gained her first million followers in just three weeks, and told GMA, "I didn't know I was this worthy of love or this worthy of attention, and there's something really affirming in the fact that, like, I now know that like I am a good person. I have good to put out in the world," Mulvaney said. "I am grateful for every single human being that's along with me."

@dylanjamesmulvaney
Day 11- Hormones 🏳️‍⚧️🌈❤️ #trans #hormones

Mulvaney shares her series titled “Day ___ of Girlhood” where she not only documents her transition, but points out things she had not considered before beginning to transition. In one of her videos she shares about how she froze when a woman in a public restroom stall asked to borrow a tampon. Before transitioning, she had not thought about being asked for a tampon, but since that interaction, she keeps them in her purse in case anyone should need one when she’s around.

@dylanjamesmulvaney
Day 12- TAMPONS #trans #tampon

Mulvaney says she’s received messages from people who have been encouraged by her journey and have decided to now come out to their families as trans. Parents of trans children have told her that they watch her videos with their children. "Anytime that a trans person reaches out and says that, like, I'm going through the same thing ... that is, like, such a gift," she says, "because I want to represent the trans community in the best light possible. The support from cis women has been insane and magical, because it feels like I really am part of something now and they've like accepted me into womanhood."

Mulvaney went on to share a message for people who are thinking about transitioning, "First of all, I'm proud of you," she said. "Second of all, take your time. This is not a race. It is probably one of the biggest decisions you'll ever have to make in your life and one of the craziest journeys that you'll go on. Start with people that you know, 100%, will support you and love you." Sharing her story can help others feel comfortable to share theirs. It can also help destigmatize what it means to be trans. While Mulvaney didn’t set out to be in the spotlight with her transition, she’s embracing her new found TikTok fame and showing people how to show up authentically as themselves, while being vulnerable and honest.

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