One Of The Most Important Parts Of Sex Is Something We Skip Over Way Too Often

Let's take five minutes to talk about sex. And then let's talk about it again later. And most importantly, let's talk about it before we're having it. And during and after and then again after that. Keep the conversation rollin', y'all.

TRIGGER WARNING: The following video contains discussion of sexual assault.

Issues like this are tricky! Watching this video is a great start to staying informed and cultivating a culture of consent, but it can't guide you through every sexual situation you'll ever encounter. So remember it's important to keep the conversation open. A great start would be sharing this video with your friends ... think you could do that?

Show Transcript Hide Transcript

Laci Green: Hi babes. Do you know what is so deliciously hot to me? I'm with a person I like and there's a little bit of sexual tension and they lean over and they're like, Can I kiss you? Ahh, eee! Hm? I don't make that sound, usually.

Why is it so sexy? Because they ask for consent if it was okay. Which shows one that they respect me and two they have got some basic sexual communication down. Hot! But consent isn't just hot, its also mandatory. Sexual contact without consent is assault or rape. Here's the thing people often think of sexual coercion as something that is violent or physically restraining. In reality, sexual coercion is often much more subtle and happens between two people who know and maybe even trust each other.

The perpetrator will use pressure, manipulation, drugs, alcohol and force to initiate sexual contact without permission. Worse, in the real world, sexual coercion is often seen as acceptable. You know like pushing someone over, over, over after they said no. Or throwing yourself on someone without warning because its romantic? No! That shit's not romantic! Its just creepy. And assualty and rapey. So, people can you not do that? Are you enjoying yourself? How does that feel? Do you like that? Do you want me to keep going? How far do you want to go? You look uncomfortable, are you okay?

Good consent is basically just checking in. Its paying attention to someone's body language, how they're doing, its keeping those lines of communication open so that everyone is on the same page and everyone feels safe and comfortable which means, this is not how you ask for consent. Come on I thought you liked me. I promise you'll like it. Just do it for me. Whats the big deal, we've had sex before. But I'm so horny right now. You liked it last weekend.

Douchebag alert. Also potential rapist. Rapist often sees sex as something thats owed to them. Sex is never something that is owed to someone. It doesn't matter if you've been flirting, if you've hooked up before, if he bought you dinner, not even if you're naked. Pushing someone until they finally give in, is not consent. Because you're basically not giving the option to say no. How can you know if someone is consenting once you ask? Yes, please. Um-hmm. Oh man, that feels so good. Keep going. I'm down for anything in these areas, but not these areas. Yeah right there. Why yes I you would like that.

Notice of consent, is a clear yes. Enthusiastic. I want it! its out loud and there's no doubt in your mind. And remember consent can always be retracted. So if you feel like the vibe has kind of changed. Or you're unsure, getting mixed signals. You want to check in. This is what no might sound like. I don't like that, can you stop? I'm not ready for this. Can we slow down for a second? I'm not into this anymore. I guess, if you want me to. Please don't.

Just because someone doesn't say no, doesn't mean they're saying yes. They might feel uncomfortable or guilty or not know how to say it. That is what's really important. That verbal, out loud yes. And if they're being quiet, ask them, hey how are you doing? What's up? How's it going? Everything okay? And that my dears, basically in a nutshell is how you practice good consent. So now when I talk about certain situations where consent cannot happen, even with a verbal yes.

Sometimes people get drunk, you may have learned this about the world. When it comes to sex, a little alcohol isn't a big deal. But if they're too drunk to drive, they're too drunk to give consent. Period. Getting sexual with someone who is wasted, slurring their words, their body is limp, they can't communicate clearly, maybe they're throwing up. That's absolutely sexual assault. Lets all do the right thing and take care of them and not take advantage of them. Sometimes when I'm at school, people ask me what if they're both really, really drunk. Its pretty simple, sex isn't an active thing, it requires the intentional action of at least one party to get it done. Remember sex isn't something that happens to someone. Its something that happens together. Both people participating. Having sex with someone who is intoxicated, or in this compromised state is against the law. You can be expelled, and you can go to jail for it.

Age of legal consent varies by state, it varies by country. But for an adult to have sex with a minor, is statutory rape. In general when people are in two very different parts of their life, it raises some red flags. This ties in with situation number three. You hold authority over them. You can't get consent from someone who you have power over. So I'm talking about things like teachers, and doctors, therapists, coaches, priests, caregivers, famous actors, maybe even famous you-tubers with their fans. Some parties it depends on the other when they trust them, rely on them, and idolize them. It severely impairs their ability to consent. Why?

Power dynamics like these, come with strong underlying vulnerabilities which can give the appearance of consensual sex when its actually exploitative. You know someone's abusing their power. You need to open the lines of communication, consent, just a standard normal part of sex. Not a situation when most teenagers can't even describe what consent is. We do have the power to change that, as individuals, and by spreading this information to other people. We can help create something called, consent culture. That's a culture where all the sex that is had, is sex that is wanted. And that's how it should be. But that's not how it is. Give me all of the consent! I'm ready!

I love you all so, so much! And I will see you again, next time. Bye, bye!

There may be small errors in this transcript.

Can we get a huge round of applause for Laci Green up in here? She made the video above as well as this video about poppin' cherries and this other video about sexual objectification, oh, and this one too about street harassment. Y'know what? She's made a ton of great videos, so you should probably just head on over and Like her on Facebook and subscribe to her channel on YouTube so you can stay up to date on all her awesome stuff.

Apr 10, 2014

Flash Video Embed

This video is not supported by your device. Continue browsing to find other stuff you'll love!

In case you were wondering what matters to us, it's your privacy. Read our updated privacy policy.

Hey, Internet Friend. Looks like you're using a crazy old web browser, which is no longer supported. Please consider upgrading to something more modern—for a better experience, and a safer time online. We only want the best for you.

Download Google Chrome, and try it for a week. Don't think about it, just do it. You'll thank us later.