A Man Discovers What He Actually Thinks Of Black People

What the host of "Review," Forrest MacNeil (played by Andrew Daly), thought he felt and what he really felt were two very different things. And even though this is a show, I think we can all take a page from its script.

Make sure you watch till the end — there's a payoff.

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On to our next review.

Oh, our next review came to us in an email from toomuchtonya2000, oh, in Madison, Wisconsin. "You and your lady-like show aren't ballsy enough to do this, but anyone interested in real life would wanna know what racism is all about, but forget I even asked, Whitey Mc(bleep)face."

Racism: A dislike of others, just because they're different. Well, I guess I'm gonna have to change my outlook and become a racist.

For you, my black friend.

Before I embarked on my journey of race-based hatred, I paid a visit to my black neighbor, Gene, to bank some goodwill for the difficult times ahead. I had always thought of black people simply as people and, as a consequence, didn't think much was special about them, but now I would need to discover what it was that made them different and how I could turn that into feelings of red hot racism.

As luck would have it, I stumbled upon a family reunion of black people, which was being held in a public park where anyone could join them.

Hi, there.

You want to know who's rude? Cameron. She says to me, "Oh, you need to do something with your hair."

Unbelievable.

Over the course of a productive and enjoyable afternoon of inter-racial eavesdropping, I learned an enormous amount of unflattering things about black people.

Who invited you again?

They insult your hair when their weave looks terrible. They shoot off their mouths to Derek about things that don't concern them and, most infuriatingly, they won't stop talking about their catering business.

Was it difficult to earn their trust?

So long, everybody.

I now had the ammunition to get seriously racist.

Hey, shut up about your catering business. Let's go, let's go, let's go! Actually, can you make that a Diet Coke, please? I am watching my calories and I know you're gonna run along and tell that to Derek.

Derek?

I know a few things. Oh, good. Yes, thank you. Right next to the other one, please.

It was necessary for my new racist attitude to pervade my entire life, including at the workplace.

Attention, everyone. New policy. This will be strictly harshly enforced.

But these new systems were difficult to maintain in the modern world. I was, for instance, not able to explain where white women were supposed to go to the bathroom. My efforts were causing more confusion than oppression.

Wait, this one is the color copier? Isn't it that one?

This is the colored copier. That one is the color copier.

So, this is the black and white copier?

That's the white copier.

Look, I just need to make a color copy.

Well, go ahead and do it, just don't use the colored copier. The white copier is better anyway. It makes color copies.

I don't know what I can possibly do to make this more clear.

You could write "people" under them.

However, a visit from our head of human resources let me know I was on the right track.

Hello.

You've put the entire company in an extremely difficult situation. You have to stop this.

Sharon, what race are you?

You're not supposed to ask people that.

Well, if you don't tell me, I'll just assume the worst.

I was forced to attend a sensitivity training class where I was subjected to a glorious gold mine of racially charged hate language.

Yes?

How would you use (bleep) in a sentence?

The point is you're not gonna use it in a sentence. If you're uncertain as to anything you're saying, whether it's gonna be offensive or not . . .

How many (bleep) does it take to screw in a light bulb?

I don't know.

I don't know either. They're all too busy (bleep) their cousins.

Thank you.

I'm Forrest. I, too, am intolerant of those who don't share my race.

My new friend was called Jim and he was a true connoisseur of race-based hatred, as I learned when he invited me back to his lair.

Ever noticed that the lower they wear their pants, the lower our property values go? You got a president that wants to take away our guns. You know who else wanted to take away the guns? Hitler.

Yeah. Well, you like Hitler.

Yeah, yeah. I like the way he started out. But when he started with the Obama stuff, that's when it all went downhill.

Yep.

You're like me. What do we have in common?

We have a lot in common. We're white.

Why do they say black people are better dancers than white people? I'm a great dancer.

After meeting Jim, I realized I had to take my racism up a notch. At last, I was prepared to infect everyone around me with a virulent strain of the social disease that is racism.

Why is there a black man and his baby-mama in my home?

Somebody call the cops.

No, no, I don't think that'll be necessary, but I am gonna have to ask you to leave, OK?

But being a convincing racist was harder than I'd ever imagined.

I'm sorry, I'm afraid I'm quite serious. OK? We cannot have you here mixing with our white women.

Excuse me. There is nothing funny about what the black man is doing to our country, OK?

I don't know what everybody is laughing about, but I am tired of you black people bringing down our property values and our schools and never shutting up about your catering business!

To have the desired effect, I would need to cross a boundary which must never be crossed, and say what must never be said.

Laugh it up, you (bleep)!

I am a racist, now. Deal with it.

OK. So, you've become an overt racist all of a sudden?

What do you mean by that? What do you mean "overt racist?"

I mean, there's always been some racism in you, but I've never seen you proud of it.

How has there been racism? What are you talking about?

OK. Do you remember last year? You asked everyone on the block, but me, to keep your kid while you went on vacation?

Yeah, well, you were not home.

We, we were home.

You were home?

Both home.

We were home and you've asked me three different times if I went to college on a basketball scholarship.

You did, didn't you?

No.

No.

You didn't go to college on a basketball scholarship?

I'm five foot seven, Forrest.

Look at him. No.

And, when President Obama was elected, you congratulated me.

Well, you voted for him, right?

I was surprised to find that, like Bruce Willis in "The Sixth Sense," (spoiler alert) I had been a racist all along. Gene, it seems, had learned to live with that fact long ago, but he did give me one very important piece of advice.

It's probably never, ever, and I do recommend this, go around calling anybody that.

Oh, yeah, I'll get rid of that one because that seemed to upset everyone.

Up 'til now, it's been a blessing to be in denial about my racist feelings. Acknowledging them has made me feel as stupid and disgusting as that moron with the Nazi flag.

Being a racist, half a star.

Forrest?

Yes?

No, it should get no stars.

Well, we don't do zero stars.

But, it's racism.

Yes, but half a star is our lowest rating. We had a long meeting about it. This is not the first.

Who knew? I didn't.

Yeah, well, you might have.

Yeah.

Review. Series premiere, March 6, at 10. On Comedy Central.

There may be small errors in this transcript.
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Original scene from "Review" on Comedy Central. Found on Jezebel.

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