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Parents go viral for 'secret' praise technique. Science confirm it’s certifiably genius.

“I promise that if you do this in front of your child, their confidence will skyrocket!”

Namwila Mulwanda and her partner Zephi practice gentle parenting.

There are so many conflicting ideas about building self-confidence in children. Is there a right way? Could praise be harmful? Should everyone receive a gold star? As with many things in life, sometimes the best solution is the simplest one—hiding in plain sight, or just out of it.

Namwila Mulwanda and her partner Zephi practice “gentle-parenting” with their daughter, Nhyara. Shared in a video on Instagram, one of their techniques is talking about Nhyara when she's within earshot but out of sight. These aren't your typical behind-closed-doors parent conversations—no venting about daily frustrations or sharing complaints they'd never say to her face. Instead, they create intentional moments of celebration, offering genuine praise and heartfelt affirmation.


In a viral Instagram post that's garnered over one million likes, Mulwanda writes, “POV: You talk behind your child's back so they can hear you.” Self-described as a “passionate mother, content creator, and small business owner,” Mulwanda naturally overflows with ideas: she writes a Substack, She Who Blooms, which is about “blooming in our own time, in our own way.” She also runs Rooted, a shop where she “carefully curates products that embody the essence of growth, empowerment, and staying rooted in one's true self.”

In the video, Mulwanda and her partner sit in a quiet corner, chatting about their daughter Nhyara while occasionally peeking around to see if she's listening—which she is. With her within earshot but not directly part of the conversation, they discuss their daughter:

“I'm just so proud of her and the things she does,” her mom starts.

“She works on her reading, like that difficult word that she took the time to really sound out,” adds her dad. They go on to applaud her independence (“She's always telling me, 'Daddy, I want to brush my teeth on my own,'” says Zephi), before concluding that she's amazing.

“She's amazing,” says Mulwanda. “So, so, so amazing,” Zephi responds.



People in the comments were obviously here for it. Parents shared their own versions of this technique, including one who wrote, “As a solo mom, I pretend to make phone calls to a family member and do this.”

Another parent shared a powerful example:

“My son used to be scared of climbing down the stairs. So, my husband said loudly, 'He's very brave! He has shown a lot of courage lately.' The next day, when we tried carrying him down the stairs, he said, 'Nope, I have a lot of courage in me.'”

Others reflected on their own childhoods. One commenter wrote, “No exaggeration, I'd be an entirely different person had my parents been like this with me.”

“Stop, I was just thinking last night, 'When I have kids, I'm going to have loud conversations with my future husband about how much I love our children and how proud I am of them,'” another enthusiastically shared.


 child, hiding, parenting, conversations, praise Children believe that conversations between adults are more “authentic” and honest. Photo credit: Canva  

Research indicates that indirect praise has a stronger psychological impact than direct praise, particularly in young children.

“This is such a powerful way of reinforcing positive behavior,” explains parenting influencer Cara Nicole, who also went viral for her unique approach to parenting. “There's something special about overhearing others talk about you—you know they're being genuine because they're not saying it directly to you.”

This effectiveness stems from children's innate understanding that conversations between adults tend to be more honest than parent-child interactions. From an early age, children recognize that direct conversations with parents often have an intentional, behavior-shaping purpose. In contrast, overheard praise feels authentic and spontaneous, rather than an attempt to influence the child's self-image.

These techniques work best when praise focuses on effort and process rather than innate qualities. Take Nhyara's dad's comment: “She works on her reading, like that difficult word that she took the time to really sound out.”


Yet, it's crucial to keep praise realistic and measured. Avoid overzealous claims about future achievements, like acing every spelling test for the rest of her life. Children have keen intuition; if they sense insincerity, the strategy can backfire, damaging their trust in parents. Similarly, over-inflated praise—like declaring “incredible” performance for average effort—can burden children with unrealistic expectations.

Keep it simple. A casual remark like, “I noticed how carefully Maya put away her toys without being asked. That was so nice. It really helped keep the house clean.”

The viral response to Mulwanda's video demonstrates the power of gentle parenting combined with thoughtful, specific praise. It's heartening to see modern parents sharing their diverse approaches to showing their children love. For many commenters who didn't experience this kind of upbringing, these conversations offer a path to healing. As Mulwanda eloquently states in her pinned comment:

“To those of you who only heard negative as a child, you were never the problem. You were a child, and you didn’t deserve the experience you had. Your presence on this earth is a blessing, and the fact that you show up every single day is proof of just how amazing you are. You are brave, you are beautiful (you too, boys), and you deserve the world and more.
If any of you feel emotions rising up, close your eyes, hug your inner child, and remind them that you’re there.” - Namwila Mulwanda


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Her struggle with her acne is a lesson in developing a healthy relationship with makeup.

'Reflecting on your own self-worth is the most important thing you can do every day.'

True
L'Oreal Dermablend

MacKenzie has scars from high school — and not just emotional ones.

When she was 13, she started developing severe acne and redness all over her face. As a shy, sensitive teen, MacKenzie just wanted to blend in, but the acne made it extremely difficult.

MacKenzie. All photos via Dermablend.


"What’s wrong with you? What’s wrong with your face?" Insensitive questions like that would pummel her every day in school to the point where she wished she could just stay home.

"People thought I couldn’t really stick up for myself," MacKenzie recalls. "So they just kind of made me an easy target."

She tried using foundation, but it ended up accentuating her acne rather than covering it. Of course, this left her feeling even more defeated.

Things like painting and volunteer work, however, helped her distract herself from the negativity she experienced.

One of MacKenzie's paintings.

In fact, volunteer work, especially when it involved mentoring younger kids, was so important to MacKenzie, she decided to pursue a bachelor's degree in social work. She also mentors students at a high school near her university.

Not surprisingly, MacKenzie very much relates to the struggles her mentees are currently facing. She often tells them something of which she regularly reminds herself:

"Reflecting on your own self-worth is the most important thing you can do every day."

MacKenzie also found solace in a new kind of makeup which helped cover her acne and filled her with confidence.

She discovered Dermablend, and it's helped her feel so much more comfortable because she was able to use it more for self-expression rather than something to hide behind. It's allowed her to be much more creative with the image she reflects back at the world.

"That outlet has helped me reflect upon my own beauty," MacKenzie says.

Today, she doesn't feel like she always needs to wear makeup. It's her choice, and that's incredibly empowering. Her foundation helped give her the self-assurance to make that choice. Now, whether she decides to wear makeup or not, she sees all the things that make her beautiful.

"At the end of the day, I look in the mirror and see someone who’s grown so much that nothing can bring me down," MacKenzie says. "Makeup or no makeup, I still feel so confident in myself."

Watch MacKenzie's story here:

Dermablend Reflections: Mackenzie

Growing up, she felt that her acne made her an outsider. Now it's something that helps her relate to the kids she mentors.

Posted by Upworthy on Monday, October 30, 2017

Actress Danielle Brooks recently penned a remarkable essay to her teenage self with spot-on advice for the young and young at heart.

In her must-read essay for Refinery 29, the fun-loving "Orange Is the New Black" and "Master of None" star covers everything from the getting over crushes to the importance of family.

Brooks gets fizzy at the 2017 Film Independent Spirit Awards. Photo by Randy Shropshire/Getty Images for Perrier-Jouet.


Her most powerful words of wisdom center on self-love and knowing your worth.

Like this sage advice that belongs on every dressing room mirror, bathroom scale, and machine at the gym:

"Love your stretch marks Danie. They are the roadmap of your strength."

Brooks walks the red carpet at the 2017 Film Independent Spirit Awards. Photo by Alberto E. Rodriguez/Getty Images.

Or the way Brooks assures her teenage self she will find clothes that fit, flatter all of her curves, and inspire others to rock theirs too:

"One day you will shock yourself by how many women you inspire through your fashion and your willingness to be open about your journey with your body. Continue to show people how to live unapologetically in their magic."

Brooks (right) and a guest snap a selfie at the Empowering Women Summit at the United Nations in New York City. Photo by Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for Lane Bryant.

And her beautiful reminder to herself — and all of us — to stay strong, patient, and compassionate, even when it would be easier not to:

"You are different, Danielle. You are not an ordinary 15 year old, and that is okay. That doesn’t make you better or less than anyone. But what you must not do is dim your light. You have a lot of love to give and believe it or not, it is not as easily accessible for others to give the same. People have a lot of hang ups that will make them guarded, but continue to operate out of love. It will always win."

Brooks looking flawless at the 23rd Annual Screen Actors Guild Awards at The Shrine Auditorium. Photo by Charley Gallay/Getty Images for TNT.

A longtime advocate for body positivity and self-love, Brooks offers encouragement and inspiration on her Instagram too.

In 2015, she shared a badass workout selfie wearing capris and a sports bra, something Brooks never thought she'd have the confidence to do.

"Today my inner being told me to turn up the notch on my self-love. I should not be ashamed of my body. I'm not a walking imperfection! I'm a Goddess," she wrote.

 
 
 

 Hey 💜rs, Today I decided to do something I've never done before: Go to the gym with my SHIRT OFF!! 🙊 I thought I'd share why this is significant for me. I've always wanted to do this but have felt shameful and have told myself "until my body is perfect I'm forbidden." Today my inner being told me to turn up the notch on my self-love. I should not be ashamed of my body. I'm not a walking imperfection! I'm a Goddess. Secondly, I'm a confident woman! That doesn't stop once I take off my spanx. Lol Sometimes it's a struggle. Sometimes I don't like what I see, but I have the power to change the way in which I relate to my body both physically and mentally. Today I woke up feeling beautiful and motivated to love myself and take care of the ONE body that I've been given. I'm not saying World take your shirt off, twist it round your head, spin it like a helicopter🎶, (lol) I'm saying everyone live in your confidence. One Life. One Body. Take Care of It. With 💜, DanieB #voiceofthecurves #yesmythighstouch #lovethyself #beautyinandout #goddess #imabadshutyomouth #ivebeeneatingmygreens #thickathanasnika

 

A post shared by Danielle Brooks (@daniebb3) on

In 2016, Brooks modeled for Lane Bryant's #ThisBody campaign along with stars like Gabourey Sidibe, Ashley Graham, and Alessandra Garcia.

Brooks spotted her glamorous photos for the campaign all around the city. The actress could barely contain her excitement — and why should she? She totally killed it!

 
 
 

 My first solo billboard in New York and it's in the middle of Times Square!! Leaping with joy! #voiceofthecurves

 

A post shared by Danielle Brooks (@daniebb3) on

Even a beautiful, talented woman like Brooks has lapses in confidence, just like the rest of us.

She shares those moments too, inspiring herself and her fans along the way.

 
 
 

 I had to check in with myself real quick. Hope someone out there feels me. 💪🏾#voiceofthecurves

 

A post shared by Danielle Brooks (@daniebb3) on

We'll all have moments of doubt, but it's how we work through them that matters.

From our bodies or careers to our relationships, we all second-guess ourselves. But just like Danielle Brooks (and young Danie too), we can dig deep, find our confidence, and keep trying. Or, as she wrote in her poignant letter: "Stay fearless and keep swimming."

GIF via "Orange Is the New Black."

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5 everyday ways to teach your kids about consent.

Sexual consent can be tough to explain to young kids. But this psychotherapist has some advice.

My daughter and I are waiting in the exam room for the pediatrician. We are here for her annual wellness checkup.

And from the moment our pediatrician walks through the door, she is all about focusing on my daughter. She looks my daughter in the eyes and kindly greets her. She shakes her hand. She addresses my daughter with her questions. She explains what we’ll be doing today.


Image via iStock.

And the pediatrician asks for consent. She asks, "May I listen to your heartbeat now?"

As a psychotherapist, I’m tuned into the ways in which our pediatrician is communicating this message to our daughter: "I regard you as a human being," "You matter," and "Your body is to be regarded."

This is very different from a routine doctor’s visit at a different office I had many years ago with my son, though.

During that visit, the pediatrician rushed through the exam. He didn’t look at my son or address him. The nurse came in with the immunizations and said, "Hold him down. It’s better if we do this fast without him knowing what’s coming. He won’t remember this."

As a mom, I knew my son. As a body-centered psychotherapist, I knew that his nervous system would remember this experience. And I knew that conditions like that can cause an experience to be traumatic for a young person. "No," I said. "I know what my son needs. I need to talk to him first and explain what we are doing."

That day, we didn’t rush, we didn’t surprise him, we didn’t hold him down, and we didn’t give him a treat for "not crying." I showed my son regard by honoring what I knew he needed.  

Parents: Teaching sexual consent to our children begins with us.

Every parent I know wants their child to grow up to be confident, be resilient, feel good about who they are, and show compassion toward others. As parents, we want to communicate: "You matter. Your body matters. Your consent and boundaries matter."

Image via iStock.

This is regard, and it begins the moment our children are born. We communicate messages that help our children form their self-concept and sense of self-worth. And they learn how to interact with themselves and others through our regard for their bodies, emotions, opinions, and personhood.

With regard as your foundation, here are five everyday ways you can teach your children about sexual consent:

1. Ask for their consent often.

Last night, my son and I were walking home from the park. I went to reach for his hand, but then I stopped myself and asked him, "Can I hold your hand?" He smiled at me and reached out.

Asking for your child’s permission to touch them or come into their personal space can be this simple. You can ask such questions as: "May I brush your hair?" "Can I have a hug?" and "Is it OK if I hold your hand?"

Does this mean you have to ask for their consent every time? As parents, we want to be intentional about what we are doing and why we are doing it.

Imagine your children as teenagers going out with friends with hundreds — if not thousands — of experiences at home where you modeled consent day after day. They will be more likely to respond to any situation with regard for their bodies, and they will be more likely to regard others’ bodies and ask for consent, too.

2. Teach them that their "no" matters.

A client came to me because she was feeling distant from her 12-year-old daughter. And in working together, we eventually realized that her daughter wanted more regard for her personal space, time, and boundaries.

So she started to look for ways she could ask, rather than demand, that her daughter engage with her. Instead of saying, "Give me a hug goodbye," she would ask her daughter, "Can I have a hug goodbye?" And on the days her daughter said "no" or her body language indicated "no," she would say, "That’s cool. If you ever want a hug, I’m here. I love you. Have a great day."

If you ask to brush your daughter’s hair, and she says "no," it's so important to regard her "no." If you ask to hug your son, and he says "no," regard his "no," too. You could reply with, "OK, I respect that. Let me know if you change your mind."

Image via iStock.

It's also OK if your child doesn’t want to hug anyone at all. They can still respectfully greet others with a sincere acknowledgment of "hello."

When you or anyone else begs or tries to convince a child to change their answer now, they learn to override their inner barometer of what feels comfortable and what doesn’t feel comfortable just to give in to someone who they perceive has more power. Over time, you respecting their "no" teaches your children that their "no" matters.

3. Model to your child that "yes" can become "no" at any time.

Let’s say you are gently wrestling with your young child, and she says, "Stop!" What do you do? You stop. Even if she is joking, you stop and check in with her.

Let’s say you have a group of elementary-school-aged boys over your house, and they are running around with swords and roughhousing. Teach them to pause the game every so often and check in with each other to see if the game is going OK for everyone.

And if you have a tween or teenager? Have "the conversation." As you share about sexual intimacy based on your family’s values, include communicating to them that the absence of "no" is not "yes." Teach them that a "yes" can turn into a "no" at any time.

When you model to your child that "yes" can become "no" at any time in everyday experiences, you are sending the message "at any point when you feel uncomfortable or have had enough in any situation, you are to listen to that inner voice. And at any point another person feels uncomfortable and has had enough, you are to respect them and stop what you are doing."

4. Seek to understand.

This past spring, my daughter announced, "I don’t want to take gymnastics anymore!" I was confused. I thought she loved gymnastics. I had put a lot of thought and effort into finding the right place for her. But instead of saying to her: "Yes, you do! I know you do!" I said, "Tell me about it."

Image via iStock.

This opened the door for my daughter to feel comfortable to share what she was feeling and for me to listen to her. I came to understand that actually she loved gymnastics, but what she really loved was doing gymnastics on her own at home and making up routines rather than being in a structured class.

When you seek to understand your child, you communicate the message: "Your opinion matters. Your voice matters. Your feelings matter. And I’m here to listen and be alongside you." Even if you think your child is playing around or sharing an opinion out of frustration, when you seek to understand, you are connecting to your child with regard.

5. Keep "regard" at the forefront of your mind.

Our children have their own bodies, minds, feelings, opinions, and dreams. Just like adults, our children want to be regarded, listened to, and respected. So ask for your child’s opinion. Speak your child’s name in a way that is regarding. Look at your child when he or she is talking. These are everyday ways that you can communicate the message "You matter."

We are our children’s first teachers.

The recent Stanford sexual assault case reminded me, yet again, that we have work to do as a culture when it comes to teaching our children about sexual consent.

As parents, it can feel scary to broach loaded and triggering topics like sexual consent. However, these simple, everyday actions can empower us to show regard to our children in our daily lives. And as our children experience our regard in everyday ways, they are more likely to regard themselves and other people’s bodies and integrity, too.

No matter the age of your child, you can support your child being a confident, resilient, compassionate (to self and others) person by choosing to look at, talk to, and be with your child. You can support your child’s future by the regard you show them today.