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Simple ways to support your trans friends when they come out.

If someone trusts you with news that they're trans, there are a few key do's and don'ts you should follow.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

Some tools to help us stand beside people we love and support.

For many gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people, one of the most personal (and sometimes scary) experiences they'll go through is the "coming out" process.

Coming out means telling others of your status as an LGBTQ person. As society is becoming more accepting of people's sexual orientation and gender identity, coming out is getting easier all the time. Even so, for many, it's still a carefully calculated process that involves planning who, how, and when to tell people in their lives.

In 2016, writer and director Lilly Wachowski — known as co-creator of "The Matrix" series of films, "Jupiter Ascending," and "Sense8" — came out publicly as transgender.

It's so great that Lilly came to that realization about herself and started living more authentically. In 2012, her sister Lana also came out as trans. What's not cool about this is the fact that Lilly was forced to out herself, in a letter she chose to share with The Windy City Times, after a reporter from The Daily Mail threatened to do it without her permission.

Lilly Wachowski, transgender, The Matrix, LGBTQ

Lilly Wachowski came out as transgender in 2016.

t.co

If someone trusts you with news that they're trans, there are a few key do's and don'ts you should follow — and telling a journalist definitely falls under "don't."

As a transgender person, one of the most common questions I get from strangers is: "My friend or family member recently told me that they're transgender. How can I support them?"

Below are five tips I give people who are thoughtful enough to ask.

1. Let them know they have your support.

If you're asking this question (or taking the time to look up an article on the subject), you're already on the right path. It's important to make sure your friend knows you're in their corner, as they're probably afraid of how others in their lives will react. A simple "If you need anything, I'm here for you" can go a long way.

2. Respect their identity, name, and pronouns.

Ask questions like "What are your pronouns?" and "How would you like me to refer to you in private and when we're around people who may not know you're transitioning?"

If somebody is just starting to come out to others, odds are that there are still some people who don't know and might still use old names and pronouns. Asking how you should react in those situations will help you avoid outing your friend to others who don't yet know.

3. Educate yourself — don't rely on your friend to educate you.

There are so many great resources on how to understand trans issues. While your friend may be happy to answer those initial personal questions about things like names and pronouns, they might become overwhelmed if you start treating them as a walking encyclopedia of all things trans.

I recommend PFLAG's amazing resource "Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People who are Transgender and Gender Expansive." The 102-page guide is a comprehensive piece of "Trans 101" literature that's bound to answer some of your questions (complete with some more thorough do's and don'ts).

4. Don't gossip about them or "out" them to others.

The only people you should be discussing your friend's gender with are people they've given you explicit permission to do so with. Going behind their back and outing them to someone they may not yet be ready to tell is not only a huge betrayal of their trust, but it could even put them in physical danger.

On top of that, when someone is hearing this news from a secondhand source (that is, you), some of the important details may get lost in translation, which get further garbled if this person tells someone else — it eventually turns into a game of telephone, and no one wants that.

A vigil for slain transgender woman Islan Nettles at Jackie Robinson Park in Harlem in 2013. Nettles was severely beaten after being approached on the street by a group of men and later died of her injuries.

5. Understand that this is not about you and your feelings.

It's OK to feel confused, and it's OK to not immediately "get it." Those feelings are completely valid, but demanding to know why your friend didn't tell you sooner (they were probably wrestling with this themselves for quite some time) or saying you feel betrayed will only hurt them during an extremely vulnerable time in their life.

Nothing you did "made" your friend trans, and it's probably less that they were hiding something from you and more that they were hiding this reality from themselves.

Whether someone is a Hollywood director or a friend from high school, we should all have the right to come out at our own pace and in our own way.

Maybe years from now the aspect that makes this seem like such juicy gossip will fade and trans people won't have to worry about being forcibly outed. Maybe years from now trans people won't need to fear that coming out will be met with job loss, homelessness, or physical harm. Until then, it's important that those of us who care for our trans friends and family members do what we can do show we're there for them.

This article originally appeared on 03.09.16. It has been lightly edited.

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Why people are loving the pronouns Jennifer Lopez used in an Instagram pic.

Jennifer Lopez gets it when it comes to queer-inclusive language.

Jennifer Lopez is a global superstar, an award-winning singer, a leading lady on the big screen — and also a "super proud auntie" too.

The ever-busy entertainer, currently starring in NBC's "Shades of Blue" and judging acts on "World of Dance," shared a photo of her sister's child, Brendan, on Instagram earlier this week.

The pic's caption is drawing praise from adoring fans near and far.



"This is Brendan my sister Leslie's second child!!" Lopez wrote. "They were the one person selected to represent their school at [the Global Young Leaders Conference] in Washington DC!!! And I couldn't be more proud!!!"

Lopez's post, which has reached millions of people around the world, isn't just cute — it's also important.

Many commenters are applauding Lopez for using gender-neutral terminology, likely preferred by Brendan, in her post.

The caption is absent of gendered words in reference to Brendan, as Lopez adheres to terms like "person," "they" and "their" (instead of "boy" or "girl," "niece" or "nephew," or "his" or "her").

Commenters noticed.

"She's using a gender neutral pronoun," one follower wrote alongside a smiley face, tagging a friend so they'd see the post as well. "Pronouns for the win," one user chimed in. "Sending mucho queer love Brendan's way," added another, ending their comment with a line of colorful rainbow hearts.

Lopez accepted the Ally for Equality Award from the Human Rights Campaign, a leading LGBTQ advocacy group, in 2013. Photo by Nicholas Kamm/AFP/Getty Images.

Lopez’s post demonstrates how simple it is to respect someone's identity and use preferred pronouns. Because really, it shouldn't be a big deal to do so.

Like most things, gender isn't so black and white, and more and more Americans are understanding the nuances in how we all identify.

While most people are considered cisgender (that is, their gender identity corresponds with the sex they were assigned at birth), many others identify outside of what's considered the binary; they don't identify explicitly as a man or woman (or boy or girl).

Many people who identify outside the binary prefer gender-neutral terms, like the ones Lopez used in her Instagram post. And while using "they" instead of "he" or "she" may seem like a subtle and insignificant difference to some of us, it's a very important distinction — one that will hopefully one day become so commonplace the internet won't be singing a celebrity's praises every time they simply do the right thing.

Notably, however, Lopez didn't make the post about Brendan's gender identity or preferred pronouns — she focused on Brendan as a person and how proud she is to be their aunt.

"Brendan is strong and smart and loving and ... a leader!!" Lopez concluded in the caption. "Titi Jenn loves you!! #superproudauntie #familia❤"

Way to go, Brendan! ❤️

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This mom gives 5 tips for talking to your kids about gender identity.

We may want to know their gender or think we need to know their gender to use a pronoun, but it honestly does not matter.

Kids do a lot of embarrassing things.

They pick their noses, they tell everyone waiting in line that mom has jiggly thighs, they throw milk across the room when the mood strikes.

But there is one thing that parents can, and should, stop being embarrassed by. This question: "Is that a boy or a girl?"

Image via iStock.

Most parents will respond to this question the same way my mother did, with a too tight hand squeeze and a "SHHHH!!!" later followed by an explanation that we are not allowed to ask those things.

I never really understood the response, but the message was clear: There is shame around this topic. We don’t talk about that in polite company. You should continue to be confused about this.

Perhaps it is time to consider another way to talk about gender with our kids.

As visibility increases for people all over the gender spectrum with more representation in media and more empowerment in the world, let’s think about wiser ways to approach this. And hey, maybe we could actually answer our kids’ questions about gender, too.

As a sex and sexuality educator and mom of seven, I have had lots of conversations with people all over the gender spectrum. After years of these conversations, I have some tips for how to talk about gender with your kids. Here they are:

1. Gender almost never matters.

There is a gender-nonconforming person who works at a store we go to frequently. Yesterday, I was asked:

"Mommy, is that a boy or a girl?"

"It doesn't matter."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean that this person helps us in the store, so we don't need to know if they are a boy or a girl.”

"OK, but, like, when would we need to know?"

"If we were looking for someone to donate sperm or ovaries."

"But that is almost never going to happen."

"And we almost never need to know if someone is a boy or a girl."

Indeed, we almost never need to know the gender of any people. We may want to know their gender or think we need to know their gender to use a pronoun, but it honestly does not matter.

If someone is helping you in a store, you don’t need to know their gender any more than you need to be sure of their race or religion.

2. Every person gets to write their own gender story.

That is it. It is really that simple.

This is not about what you think someone should be, what they look like, or what makes you feel more comfortable. This is about allowing every human the dignity to define themselves in all ways, including gender. If a person decides they identify as a girl for example, who are you to tell them they are wrong?

If my child says, "But that person doesn’t look like a boy," I just let them know: That’s what this boy looks like.

If my child asks, "What a person really is," I just let them know: They are the person they say they are. Done.

3. Navigating pronouns is tricky.

Our language makes it difficult to leave gender out of the equation. Thankfully, first-person pronouns are gender-neutral, so you can tell your children that they can use those when speaking directly to a person.

If they are referring to someone, and they are unclear about which pronoun to use, let them know they can just ask the person. Letting young people know that there is no shame in clarity goes a long way in recognizing that there is no shame in not necessarily being able to place someone in one of the two narrowly defined gender categories.

If asking is off the table for whatever reason, let your child know they can use "they" as a gender-neutral singular pronoun. Maybe this will become the norm, or maybe language will change when attitudes shift, but this works for now.

4. It's important to validate all choices.

These conversations may leave your kids wondering if they need to put more thought into what their gender is. And maybe they do, but maybe they don’t. If this is a concern, you have opened up a nice door for them to walk through and have a conversation. But if they feel like the gender they were assigned at birth feels good to them and they want to be that gender and use those pronouns, that is certainly a valid choice, too.

It is important to let our kids know that people with gender differences often deal with a lot of hate and rejection. It's important to be a good friend and ally to them.

5. Encourage understanding, always.

Children may not be able to make sense of this. They may ask challenging questions like "Why can’t she just be a girl who likes boy clothes? Why change?" or "How can you not feel like what you are? I don’t get it."

Those are real questions that may be difficult for you to answer, especially if you are someone who identifies with your assigned gender or have never known another person who thinks differently about gender. Still, encourage kids to explore. Ask questions to those who feel comfortable answering them. Read books like "The Sissy Duckling." Find stories from real people relating their experiences.

Because ultimately, there is one very important message to send:

You don’t have to understand another person’s heart to honor and respect them.That is what we need more of in this world.

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