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Joy

Hospice nurse explains how a 'shared death experience' convinced her of an afterlife

"It felt like he was smiling and soaring."

via Canva/Photos

A man walking into the light.

What happens after we die? It’s one of the biggest mysteries that we have to confront during the short time we enjoy on Earth. That is, of course, unless you have unshakeable faith in a religion that believes in an afterlife or are a committed atheist who has accepted that we are nothing more than worm food after we expire.

Julie McFadden, also known as Hospice Nurse Julie, is someone who gives hope to those who believe in an afterlife. During her time helping countless people pass away, she has had supernatural experiences that have led her to believe there’s more to death than we know. Julie is a registered nurse and hospice care expert who aims to normalize conversations about death and dying, and is the author of Nothing to Fear: Demystifying Death to Live More Fully.

What is a shared death experience?

One of the most moving supernatural experiences that McFadden has had came after the death of a patient who she claims reached out to her at the moment of his passing. She shared the story on her popular TikTok feed, as well as on the Howie Mandel Does Stuff podcast.

@hospicenursejulie
Story time. #hospicenursejulie #nurse #story #shareddeathexperience #afterlife

“I've had this experience that I now know was called a shared death experience,” she told the Howie Mandel Does Stuff podcast. McFadden says that she shared death with a young man she refers to as Randy, who was under hospice care. He didn’t have very close family or friends and suffered from anxiety and had a hoarding problem. He had “hit bottom” and began talking about the tremendous anxiety he experienced while facing death, and became close with McFadden and his other caretakers. One day, while he was unconscious and actively dying, McFadden knew he was going to go very soon, so she left him with the continuous caretaker, knowing she may never see him again.

- YouTube youtu.be

When she got into her car, she said to herself, "Goodbye, Randy, I hope you have a beautiful journey." At that moment, Randy entered her thoughts. "It hit every sense: I could hear his voice, I could feel how he was feeling, and I could see him in my mind's eye," she said.

"Oh my gosh, Julie, if only I had known how good this was going to be, I wouldn't have been so afraid,” Julie heard Randy’s voice call out. "It felt like he was smiling and soaring," Julie said, calling the experience 'beyond anything [she] could ever describe'.

"I was so emotional in the moment that I was weeping tears of joy in my car. I was so overwhelmed by what he was showing me," she said. Then, as she began to collect herself, she received a text that Randy had passed away. “I thought ‘I know’ cuz he just showed me what it was like,” she recalled.

She kept the story to herself

McFadden kept the story to herself for years because she felt that people would think she was crazy. “Finally, everyone kept asking me, ‘Why aren't you afraid? What makes you not afraid?’ and finally I just said, ‘You know what? Screw it, I'm going to tell people why, and that's one of the main reasons why,” she said.

We can all have our thoughts on what happens after we die, but for those of us who are unsure of what happens when we transition to the great beyond, it’s comforting to know that someone who's been so close to death, for so many years, chooses to face it without fear.

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Art

People keep noticing these strange fork tattoos in public. Here's the beautiful meaning.

It seems random, but the message is so hopeful.

Canva Photos

The "keep your fork" tattoo is extremely popular, and for good reason.

People get tattoos for lots of reason. Sometimes, it's to cover themselves in beautiful art that they, and others, can admire every day. Sometimes it's to remember a loved one. Other times, it's so they have a constant, visual reminder of a message that speaks to their heart.

Take, for example, the famous semicolon tattoo. Why a semicolon? It stands in stark contrast to a period, which ends a sentence or a story. The semicolon speak to a story that is not yet over, that is to be continued. It's commonly used by suicide survivors or people who struggle with depression as a reminder of the strength it takes to continue on. There's also the "Lucky Few" tattoo, which denotes pride and solitary among parents of children with Down syndrome.

One mom recently noticed a strange tattoo on another woman out in the wild. It was so unique and, seemingly, random that she had to ask what it meant. Prominently displayed on her arm, the woman had a tattoo of...a fork.

tattoos, ink, body art, mantras, religion, spirituality, semicolon tattoo, lucky few tattoo, fork tattoo, keep your fork Want to get this tattooed permanently on your skin? Photo by Matt Popovich on Unsplash

Emily Hawkins shared the encounter in a post on LinkedIn.

Hawkins had been volunteering at her daughter's swim meet when she noticed the interesting ink on a fellow mom. She couldn't resist asking: "What's the story behind the fork?"

The woman answered that the fork tattoo was a reference to the old saying, "Keep your fork."

Imagine, if you will, being a young kid sitting down to family dinner. You've gobbled up all the casserole, eaten all your veggies, and it's time to clear the table. Imagine that maybe your mother is kind enough to come around and take the dirty dishes out of your way. Except, she leans over and whispers, "Keep your fork," with a wink.

The saying implies that something great is coming your way, like an unexpected dessert: a slice of pie or some cake. Think of how excited your little kid brain would be!

The "Keep Your Fork" tattoo is a reminder to feel that joy every day. It symbolizes that, no matter how hard things get in life, something good is just around the corner. Better things are coming your way.

Or, as the woman in Hawkins' story put it, "The best is yet to come."

Read the whole post here:

The woman at the pool was not the first or only person to adopt "Keep Your Fork" as a life mantra or even as a tattoo.

The tale is best-known as a religious parable first published in Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul in 1996. The story goes that a woman dying of cancer asked her pastor to bury her with a fork.

“Well, pastor ... that’s how I think of my death and funeral. What’s coming next is heaven, and it will be so much better than what I’m experiencing now. And I can hardly wait.”

Since then, the fable has adopted many different meanings for many different people. Not everyone who gets the tattoo thinks of it as a symbol of Heaven. Some just view it as a reminder to stay optimistic, that joy and happiness is never out of reach for too long.

Hawkins post struck a powerful nerve with people. Dozens commented to say how much they appreciated the message of hope.

"the way this absolutely devastated and inspired me. <3" wrote Lianna.

"This a great story and reminder that better times are ahead. Thanks for sharing!" said Mark.

"This gave me goosebumps. Not just because of the symbolism, but because of how gentle—and generous—it is to hold space for hope." commented Maha.

Don't underestimate symbolic reminders and mantras that take the form of tattoos. Researchers say tattoos can be powerful ways to process grief, love, trauma, and other strong emotions.

Tattoos are art. The way music, film, and books can move us and change the way we think about the world, so can a seemingly simple illustration on our skin.

It also comes with a lot of planning and personal pain, which only adds to their meaning.

A fork may seem a strange thing to permanently etch onto your arm, especially a big one! But as far as messages to be remembered every moment of every day go, the hope and optimism that the fork represents is one of the best I can think of.

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Identity

Gay dad has a forceful response to 7-year-old who called gay people 'the devil'

But some say the dad's words went way too far.

via Mick Haupt/Unsplash

A child looks really upset on a playground.

Robbie Pierce, his husband, Neal Broverman are no strangers to bigotry. The men and their two young children were traveling on an Amtrak train in California in 2022 when they were harassed by a fellow passenger at a stop in San Jose; an incident that made headlines.

"All of a sudden, there was a man standing there next to me," Pierce told The Advocate. The man told their son, "Remember what I told you earlier. They stole you and they're pedophiles," Pierce recounts. The man also said that gay people are abominations. (Broverman is the editorial director for print media at Pride, The Advocate's parent company.)

The police were called and the man was thrown off the train, but the incident was a frightening reminder that gay families could be the target of bigots any time and anywhere, even in liberal Northern California. "It's a new level of homophobia out there," Pierce added.

Seven months later, Pierce’s son was the victim of harassment, this time from a child at a park.

lgbtq families, religious trauma, indoctrination, gay, lgbtq, bullying, hate, advocacy, parenting, lgbtq parenting A day at the park turned hateful and confrontation for Roobie Pierce and his son.Dakota Lim/Unsplash

"A random unattended 7-year-old at the park told me and my son that gay people are the devil,” he recounted in a viral X thread. "My son scoffed, but the boy said it was true because God said so."

Maybe it was the incident months prior. Maybe it was a lifetime of harassment and judgment. But whatever it was, in that moment, Pierce had had enough. He reacted to the boy’s hatred — which he probably learned at home — with his own lesson.

“I told him parents made up God to make their Kids do what they want. His eyes got so big,” he wrote on X.

— (@)

It's worth wondering: Did God really 'say so'? Biblical scholars are split on the Bible's true message around homosexuality. It appears open to interpretation, and it's clear that many people choose to interpret the words in a hateful and negative way, going so far as to show their children that it's OK to approach and confront gay people over their identities.

Addressing complex issues like religion and sexuality with a young child, who’s a stranger, is a tricky needle to thread, so Pierce admits he had some reservations about his response. But he stands by his decision.

“I'm sorry but if you teach your kids to hate I'm going to teach them to disobey you," he wrote on X.

— (@)

As someone who has been harassed by religious, homophobic people in the past, Pierce took the opportunity to help steer a young child away from hatred. At the age of 7, most children believe whatever their parents tell them. However, Pierce planted a seed in the child’s mind that may one day encourage him to challenge his indoctrination when he gets older. The kid will likely remember that interaction for many years to come, and may look back at it with shame one day. That shame could be the much-needed catalyst for change.

"I was shocked at first and then...well...you may have planted a seed to grow a fine human out of the little homophobic bigot he was being trained up as. I can't argue with that," one user wrote on X.

The vast majority of commenters on X agreed with Pierce’s response to the child’s comment.

— (@)

However, some people thought Pierce’s response to the child was inappropriate.

Bigoted words or not, it was still a child, and many people thought there may have been a more tactful way to teach the kid a lesson rather than invalidating his entire faith. Or perhaps Pierce could have tracked down the boy's parents and given them an earful instead.

— (@)

One thing is clear: Something in our culture is definitely broken when we're more intent on policing people's responses to bigotry and hate versus addressing the root cause of these divides. The boy's parents should be the one on trial in the court of public opinion for teaching their son that this kind of behavior is acceptable.

No matter how one feels about Pierce’s reaction, what’s clear is that there is something very inappropriate about a 7-year-old child openly harassing LGBTQ families. The unfortunate problem is that this type of hyper-religious upbringing can cause lasting emotional and psychological trauma to a child. And it’s a common problem. A recent study in the growing field of religious trauma found that 1 in 3 Americans suffer from trauma related to religion at some point in their life.

While we might be quick to dismiss the child’s behavior as innocent or simply as a symptom of growing up in a religious household, the more we learn about religious trauma, the more these children appear to be the victims of abuse. Hopefully Pierce's words will help the boy rethink his relationship with his faith, and his parents, down the road.

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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Community

Musician Nick Cave reveals the two sentiments 'forever worth declaring'

Nick Cave shares profound thoughts through letters to fans.

commons.wikimedia.org

Nick Cave sings in concert in 1986

Since the late 70s, Nick Cave has had a lengthy career as a respected musician and writer. He explores themes of death, religion, anger, mercy, and suspicion of the world and all its inhabitants. In one of his most famous songs, "The Mercy Seat," he wrote:

"And the mercy seat is waiting
And I think my head is burning
And in a way I’m yearning
To be done with all this measuring of truth.
And an eye for an eye
And a tooth for a tooth
And anyway I told the truth
And I’m not afraid to die."

This is a man, who alongside his bandmates, has not been afraid to go into the darkest corners of thought and question everything. Even his gentler ballad-type songs have tinges of goth, drama, and intensity.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

In 2018 (and to this day), he began operating a newsletter called The Red Hand Files, wherein fans can send in questions about whatever they'd please: music, philosophy, love, etc.

He writes on the site how and why it all started: "The Red Hand Files began in September of 2018 as a simple idea – a place where I would answer questions from my fans. Over the years, The Red Hand Files has burst the boundaries of its original concept to become a strange exercise in communal vulnerability and transparency. Hundreds of letters come in each week, asking an extraordinarily diverse array of questions, from the playful to the profound, the deeply personal to the flat-out nutty."

He takes these letters very seriously:

"I read them all and try my best to answer a question each week. The Red Hand Files has no moderator, and it is not monetized, and I am the only one who has access to the questions that sit patiently waiting to be answered."

In his latest issue, Amy from Los Angeles asks Cave, "My dad died suddenly and unexpectedly. We moved and only saw him for two weeks of what turned out to be his last year on earth. Now I feel like I have failed him so terribly. How do you apologize to someone who is gone? How do you say I love you and I’m so sorry when their ears and their heart don’t exist anymore?"

Cave writes back with clarity and grace. In part, "Find a quiet spot where you can be alone and away from distractions, close your eyes, and picture your father. Then say these words, quietly or in your head –

You are my father

I am your daughter

I love you

I am sorry

You may feel uncomfortable or embarrassed when you do this because it seems from your question that you fundamentally believe that your father is gone, that his “ears and heart don’t exist anymore,” and that you are speaking to no one, nothing, a void."

He later writes, "I suspect your father will hear your words, but I do not know. At the very least, by acknowledging the sacred and mysterious nature of things, these words will impact the general condition of the world, not to mention your own injured heart. I believe we must take our subtle spiritual intuitions seriously and view them as the quintessence that underlies the ordinary world. The rejection of the sacred is the fundamental reason for our existential discontent. “I love you” and “I am sorry” spoken into the universe are two sentiments forever worth declaring."

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In a recent appearance on The Late Show with Stephen Colbert, Cave shares one of the letters from a man in Stockholm named Valerio. He first reads the question:

"Following the last few years, I'm feeling empty and more cynical than ever. I'm losing faith in other people and I'm scared to pass these feelings onto my little son. Do you still believe in us, human beings?"

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Cave then reads his response:

"Much of my early life was spent holding the world and the people in it in contempt. It was a position both seductive and indulgent. The truth is, I was young and had no idea what was coming down the line. It took a devastation to teach me the preciousness of life and the essential goodness of people. It took a devastation to reveal the precariousness of the world—of its very soul—and to understand the world was crying out for help. It took a devastation to find the idea of mortal value. And it took a devastation to find hope."

The studio audience listens silently. Cave continues:

"Unlike cynicism, hopefulness is hard-earned. It makes demands upon us, and can also feel like the most indefensible and lonely place on earth. Hopefulness is not a neutral position. It is adversarial. It is the warrior emotion that can lay waste to cynicism. Each redemptive or loving act, as small as you like—such as reading to your little boy, or showing him a thing you love, or singing him a song, or putting on his shoes—keeps the devil down in the hole.

It says the world and its inhabitants have value and are worth defending. It says the world is worth believing in. In time, we can come to find that this is so. Love, Nick."

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This is met with a huge round of applause, as if the audience really simply needed to hear it.

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Culture

How do you become the pope? A 5-minute video explains the priest-to-pope career path.

A helpful explainer for non-Catholics.

CGP Grey/YouTube

Becoming pope is a multi-step process of ascending the Catholic church hierarchy.

Understanding the basics of different religious beliefs is an important part of living in a diverse world. Understanding the internal clerical or administrative structures of different religions, however, takes a bit more effort and can be confusing to those who haven't grown up within those systems.

Most of us know that the pope is the head of the Catholic church, and even people who aren't Catholic are familiar with terms like priest, bishop, and cardinal. But that's the extent of knowledge of the hierarchy for many. The holy roles and how one moves from one level to another within the Catholic priesthood can be confusing. Though the fictional movie Conclave offers a compelling glimpse into the process of choosing a new pope, the full career path from priest to pope isn't really clear for a lot of us.

catholic priest, catholic church, becoming pope, choosing a new pope, pope You have to be a priest first, then move up the Catholic hierarchy to have any chance of becoming pope.Photo credit: Canva

Enter CGP Grey, who has a knack for explaining things simply and concisely with cool illustrations and just enough humor to make boring explanations entertaining. Grey made a video in 2013 just a month before Pope Francis was elected as the 266th pope, and it's become relevant again in 2025 with his passing.

The "How to Become Pope" video has been viewed 29 million times, so clearly this is a question of curiosity for many. Considering that there are 1.4 billion Catholics in the world and how powerful the pope is as a global figure, it's a good thing to know.

- YouTubewww.youtube.com

"Let's say you want to become pope, head of the Catholic church and shepherd to over one billion faithful," the video begins. "What requirements must you have for this lofty station?"

There are only two actual requirements. 1. Be a Catholic. 2. Be a man. Simple enough, right?

Technically speaking, any male Catholic could be chosen as pope, but there has never been an average Catholic person who is not part of the priesthood. In fact, it's been over 600 years since a non-cardinal became pope. So the career path for pope starts with becoming a priest, then moving up to becoming a bishop and then a cardinal.

Moving up the ladder in the Catholic church requires a lot of specific education. Becoming an ordained priest usually requires a degree in Catholic Philosophy and a master's degree in Divinity. To move up to bishop, you have to wait for a local bishop to retire or die, be on a list of potential bishops, be 35 years old, be a priest for at least five years, and generally have a PhD in theology. A congress of bishops examines the candidates for bishop, chooses one, and sends the name to the pope. The pope then approves or vetoes the choice. It's a long process.

catholic priest, catholic church, becoming pope, choosing a new pope, pope There are around 5,000 Catholic bishops, and around 200 of them are designated as cardinals.Photo credit: Canva

There are about 400,000 Catholic priests in the world, according to the video, but only about 5,000 bishops. Of those bishops, about 200 are given the additional title of cardinal, which can only be bestowed by the pope.

When a pope dies or retires, the cardinals under age 80 gather together in the Vatican to elect the new pope, pretty much always from among themselves. They are isolated from the outside world in what's known as the conclave, where they go through whatever election process the previous Pope specified for choosing his successor. Typically, they vote four times a day, six days a week, and it can take weeks or sometimes even months to reach the two-thirds majority required to elect the pope.

Once the pope is elected, he chooses a new name for himself—it can be anything, but it's often the name of a previous Pope—and white smoke is released from the chimney of the Sistine Chapel, announcing to the world that a new pope has been chosen.

pope, pope selection, catholicism, choosing a new pope, Sistine Chapel becomes pope francis GIFGiphy

"So that's the career path," CGP Grey concludes, "Be born into the right half of the population, become one of a billion Catholics, then one of 400,000 priests, then one of 5,000 bishops, then one of 200 cardinals, wait for the current pope to die or retire, and convince two-thirds of your fellow cardinals to select you as the one, the only pope."

There you have it, all wrapped up in one sentence.

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Reproductive Rights

Why I'm morally anti-abortion but politically pro-choice and don't feel conflicted about it

Many of us find ourselves in the messy middle of the abortion debate.

Photo credit: Canva

It's possible to be "pro-life" and pro-choice.

The legality of abortion is one of the most polarized debates in America. We've seen reproductive rights swing back and forth between the Roe vs. Wade decision in 1973 and the Dobbs vs. Jackson decision in 2022, with passionate people on both sides either lauding or lamenting the U.S. Supreme Court.

People have big feelings about abortion, which is understandable. On the one hand, some people feel that abortion is a fundamental women's rights issue, that our bodily autonomy is not up for debate, and that those who oppose abortion rights are trying to control women through oppressive legislation. On the other hand, some folks believe that a fetus is a human individual first and foremost, that no one has the right to terminate a human life, and that those who support abortion rights are heartless murderers.

abortion, abortion debate, prolife, prochoice, roe v. wade, dobbs decision, reproductive rights You don't have to choose between the extremes of the abortion debate.Photo credit: Canva

Then there are those of us in the messy middle. Those who believe that life starts at conception, that abortion isn't something we'd choose—and we hope others wouldn't choose—under most circumstances, yet who choose to vote to keep abortion legal with few restrictions.

Some people don't understand being personally anti-abortion but still wanting abortion to be legal, citing the moral conflict seemingly inherent in that equation. But I don't feel conflicted about it at all. Here's why:

There's far too much gray area to legislate abortion.

No matter what you personally believe, when exactly life begins and when “a clump of cells" should be considered an individual, autonomous human being with the same rights as a person not dependent on a woman's body for life is a completely debatable question with no clear scientific answers.

abortion, abortion debate, prolife, prochoice, roe v. wade, dobbs decision, reproductive rights When life and personhood begin aren't easily answerable questions.Photo credit: Canva

I believe life begins at conception, but that's my own religious belief about when the soul becomes associated with the body, not a proven scientific fact. As Arthur Caplan, award-winning professor of bioethics at New York University, told Slate, “Many scientists would say they don't know when life begins. There are a series of landmark moments. The first is conception, the second is the development of the spine, the third the development of the brain, consciousness, and so on."

But let's say, for the sake of argument, that a human life unquestionably begins at conception. Even with that point of view, there are too many issues that make a black-and-white approach to abortion too problematic to ban it. Medicine is complex, and obstetrical medicine particularly so. It's simply not as simple as "abortion is wrong." Every pregnancy is personally and medically unique throughout—how can we effectively legislate something with so many ever-changing variables?

Abortion bans hurt some mothers who desperately want their babies to live, and I'm not okay with that.

One reason I don't support banning abortion is because I've seen too many families deeply harmed by restrictive abortion laws.

abortion, abortion debate, prolife, prochoice, roe v. wade, dobbs decision, reproductive rights Families who wanted their babies have been hurt by anti-abortion laws. Photo credit: Canva

I've heard too many stories of families who desperately wanted a baby, who ended up having to make the rock-and-a-hard-place choice to abort because the alternative would have been a short, pain-filled life for their child.

I've heard too many stories of mothers having to endure long, drawn out, potentially dangerous miscarriages and being forced to carry a dead baby inside of them because abortion restrictions gave them no other choice.

I've heard too many stories of abortion laws doing real harm to mothers and babies, and too many stories of families who were staunchly anti-abortion until they found themselves in circumstances they never could have imagined, to believe that abortion is always wrong and should be banned at any particular stage.

I am not willing to serve as judge and jury on a woman's medical decisions, and I don't think the government should either.

Most people's anti-abortion views—mine included—are based on their religious beliefs, and I don't believe that anyone's religion should be the basis for the laws in our country. (For the record, any Christian who wants biblical teachings to influence U.S. law, yet cries “Shariah is coming!" when they see a Muslim legislator, is a hypocrite.)

abortion, abortion debate, prolife, prochoice, roe v. wade, dobbs decision, reproductive rights The government doesn't need to be involved in personal medical choices.Photo credit: Canva

I also don't want politicians sticking their noses into my very personal medical choices. There are just too many circumstances (seriously, please read the stories linked in the previous section) that make abortion a choice I hope I'd never have to make, but wouldn't want banned. I don't understand why the same people who decry government overreach think the government should be involved in these extremely personal medical decisions.

And yes, ultimately, abortion is a personal medical decision. Even if I believe that a fetus is a human being at every stage, that human being's creation is inextricably linked to and dependent upon its mother's body. And while I don't think that means women should abort inconvenient pregnancies, I also acknowledge that trying to force a woman to grow and deliver a baby that she may not have chosen to conceive isn't something the government should be in the business of doing. As a person of faith, my role is not to judge or vilify, but to love and support women who are facing difficult choices. The rest of it—the hard questions, the unclear rights and wrongs, the spiritual lives of those babies,—I comfortably leave in God's hands, not the government's.

abortion, abortion debate, prolife, prochoice, roe v. wade, dobbs decision, reproductive rights Abortion is inextricable from healthcare.Photo credit: Canva

Most importantly, if the goal is to prevent abortion, research shows that outlawing it isn't the way to go.

The biggest reason I vote the way I do is because based on my research pro-choice platforms provide the best chance of reducing abortion rates.

Just after Roe vs. Wade was passed, abortion rates skyrocketed, peaked in 1990, and then plummeted steadily for nearly two decades. Abortion was legal during that time, so clearly, keeping abortion legal and available did not result in increased abortion rates in the long run. Switzerland has one of the lowest abortion rates on earth and their rate has fallen and largely stabilized since 2002, when abortion became largely unrestricted.

Outlawing abortion doesn't stop it, it just pushes it underground and makes it more dangerous. And if a woman dies in a botched abortion, so does her baby. Banning abortion is a recipe for more lives being lost, not fewer.

abortion, abortion debate, prolife, prochoice, roe v. wade, dobbs decision, reproductive rights, sex ed Comprehensive sex education and birth control are the proven ways to prevent abortion.Photo credit: Canva

At this point, the only things consistently proven to reduce abortion rates on a societal scale are comprehensive sex education and easy, affordable access to birth control. If we want to reduce abortions, that's where we should be putting our energy. The problem is, anti-abortion activists also tend to be the same people pushing for abstinence-only education and making birth control harder to obtain. But those goals can't co-exist with lowering abortion rates in the real world.

Our laws should be based on reality and on the best data we have available. Since comprehensive sex education and easy, affordable access to birth control—the most proven methods of reducing abortion rates—are the domain of the pro-choice crowd, that's where I place my vote, and why I do so with a clear conscience.

The polarization of politics has made it seem like the only choices are on the extreme ends of the spectrum, but it doesn't have to be that way. We can separate our own personal beliefs and convictions from what we believe the role of government should be. We can look at the data and recognize when bans may not actually be the most effective means of reducing something we want to see less of. We can listen to people's stories and acknowledge that things are not as black-and-white as they're made out to be.

An we can want to see fewer abortions and still vote to keep abortion legal without feeling morally conflicted about it.

This article originally appeared six years ago and has been updated.

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democracy

Health

Conflict expert shares the trick to change the mind of anyone who disagrees with you

Sadly, facts don't work.

via LinkedIn Sales Solutions/Unsplash

A great salesman makes his pitch.

Have you ever disagreed with someone, and even though you had all of the facts on your side, you still failed to persuade the other person? You probably walked away thinking they were thick-headed and couldn't accept reality. But it was more likely just because they are human.

People cling to their firmly held beliefs about politics, religion, or whether pineapple belongs on pizza because they are closely attached to who we are as people. If we come to believe our core beliefs aren’t true, then who are we? The funny thing is that if you counter someone with facts, they will often refuse to believe them and hold onto their incorrect belief even more firmly. It’s a psychological phenomenon known as the backfire effect.

So, if you fight with your brother-in-law about crime rates and show him credible FBI statistics that counter his claim, chances are he will tell you that the facts and figures are made up or that the source isn’t trustworthy.

persuasion, arguing, changing minds Friends get into a fight.via Canva/Photos

How do we change other people’s minds?

So the question is: Is it even possible to change anyone’s mind? Should we even try? The answer is yes, but it is counterintuitive. “A big mistake we make is that we think facts are powerful and that they sway people,” Kurt Gray, a social psychology professor at the University of North Carolina, Chapel Hill, tells CNBC Make It. Gray is the author of “Outraged: Why We Fight About Morality and Politics and How to Find Common Ground.”

According to Gray, the key to persuading people is seeing them as someone just like you. “We are all just trying to protect ourselves, our family, our kids, and our society,” he says. But we’re fixated on different harms.” He suggests that we establish a connection with the other person and understand their fears.

What’s the best way to argue with someone?

To establish a connection, ask questions about what motivates their belief. If it’s a fear of crime, ask them to share why they feel there is more crime today. Then, validate their feelings by saying you understand why those observations would lead to that conclusion. That’s when you can try and influence their opinion by sharing a personal story about why you feel differently. “Others are more likely to find some merit in your argument if you share a personal anecdote, as opposed to some statistics, to show why you stand where you do,” Gray says.

persuasion, arguing, changing minds Daughter won't listen to her mother.via Canva/Photos

Whatever you do, don’t make the conversation about scoring points. Be sure it’s an honest discussion about how both of you came to your opinions. “My number one tip is if you go into these conversations trying to win, you’ve already lost because no one ever admits defeat when it comes to morality,” he says. “Sharing and connecting on a human level was more effective than arguing,” Gray told Time. Often, people “think the best thing to do is to argue as aggressively as possible,” but that’s not the case.

Ultimately, you’ll be more successful at sharing your beliefs and influencing others if you go into the conversation attempting to understand the other person’s position instead of proving them wrong. Facts aren’t great at changing people’s minds, but empathy and connection might. So next time you’re in a tense discussion with someone, coo down the situation by ditching the stats and sharing your story. You may not bring the other person to your side, but you may find common ground.

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