upworthy

murder

Health

'This is the face of domestic violence.' The tragedy of Megan Montgomery happens far too often.

"Megan began dying on July 23, 2017, on their first date."

via Feminist News/Megan Montgomery

Megan Montgomery and Jason McIntosh on their wedding day

If you were to look at Megan Montgomery's Instagram account, you'd see a beautiful, smiling woman in the prime of her life, her youth and fitness the envy of women the world over. You'd even see some photos of her with her husband (#datenight), with comments saying things like "Aww, gorgeous couple!"

But beneath her picture-perfect feed was the story of a woman in an abusive relationship with her husband—one that would start with his arrest shortly after they got married, and end 10 months later with him shooting her to death in a parking lot. In a Facebook post, one of the people who was out with Megan the night of her murder detailed how her estranged husband had come to their table, put his hand on her neck and shoulder, and escorted her out of the building.


She went with him willingly, but anyone familiar with abusive relationships knows that "willingly" is a subjective term. He had reportedly threatened mass violence before. Perhaps she was trying to protect the people she was with. Perhaps staying felt more dangerous to her than going with him.

The couple reportedly had a volatile relationship from the start, and at one point both had restraining orders against the other. Regardless, she was killed by the man who had claimed to love her, an ex-cop who had been arrested for domestic violence and had been bailed out multiple times prior to that evening.

In April of 2021, McIntosh, pleaded guilty to murdering Montgomery. As part of the plea deal, he received a 30-year prison sentence.

"Megan began dying on July 23, 2017, on their first date," her mother, Susann Montgomery-Clark, said in court. "Like a frog in a pot of boiling water, you gradually turn up the heat to boiling and the frog doesn't know they're dying. That's what happened to Megan. That's what domestic violence does. Anyone who met her after their first date didn't know the real Megan that he destroyed long before he killed her."


Feminist News wrote the gist of Megan's story on Facebook, sharing photos from the couple's wedding to illustrate how invisible domestic violence can be to those outside of it. "THIS is the face of domestic violence," they wrote.


But what was perhaps most striking about the post was the deluge of comments from women describing their own experiences with domestic violence. Comment after comment explaining how a partner always made them think the abuse was their fault, how restraining orders were repeatedly violated, how they were charmed and loved into questioning whether the verbal abuse or physical violence was really that bad. Story after story of how they didn't see it coming, how slowly and insidiously it escalated, how terrifying it was to try to leave.

Those of us who have not been in abusive relationships don't always understand why people don't leave them. But the dynamics of abuse—the emotional manipulation, the gaslighting, the self-esteem destruction, the fear and shame—are well documented.

Unfortunately, those dynamics can prove deadly. Domestic violence murders have been on the rise in recent years, going up 19% between 2014 and 2017. And sadly, our justice system does not protect domestic violence survivors as well as it should.

Part of the challenge of prosecuting in domestic violence cases is that victims are not always willing to cooperate, either out of fear or shame or embarrassment, or unhealthy loyalty. According to some estimates, domestic violence victims recant their testimony up to 70% of the time. That's why some are pushing for evidence-based prosecution without requiring victim testimony, much like we try murder cases.


domestic violence, woman in fear, violence against women, domestic violence cases, violent husbands, sousal abuseA woman afraid for her life.via Canva/Photos

But some, like University of Maryland law professor Leah Goodmark, argue that pushing for more law enforcement hasn't proven to reduce domestic violence rates. Addressing issues of poverty, childhood trauma, attitudes toward gender equality, and other risk factors for domestic violence may be more effective by stopping violence before it starts.

While abuse happens to both men and women, women are more likely to be victims and much more likely to be murdered by a partner. Thankfully, there are many resources for domestic violence survivors to seek help, whether you're trying to determine if your relationship is abusive or trying to figure out if, when, and how to leave. The National Domestic Violence Hotline (www.thehotline.org or call 1−800−799−7233) has a wealth of information on domestic violence and what to do about it. The website even has a live chat where you can get your questions answered and receive assistance making a safety plan for you and your family.

If you are afraid of your partner or other loved one, there's something wrong. No one should live in fear of the people who are supposed to love them the most.

This article originally appeared six years ago.

From Your Site Articles
domestic violence
More

A gay Chechen man explains what it's like being at the center of a human rights atrocity.

The anti-gay crackdown doesn't show signs of stopping.

A startling new report from the Russian LGBT Network highlights just how bad the crackdown on gay, lesbian, and bisexual people in Chechnya has gotten in recent months. As the reported number of people who've been detained or killed for suspicion of being LGBTQ skyrockets, it's hard to know what can be done to help. Making matters worse, details are few and far between, with even the new Russian LGBT Network report admitting it's hard to understand the full scope of the assault for certain.

What we do have are stories, like the one a gay Chechen man shared at Meduza back in April, which comes to life in a haunting new video.

Titled "Unable to breathe," the animated short follows the unnamed man as he's arrested for suspicion of homosexuality, physically and mentally tortured for a week without food or water, and eventually flees the country, forced to leave his family behind. (The subtitles are a bit small, so you may want to watch this full screen.)

"They beat me for several hours straight. They broke my ribs. They used electricity to torture me — they have this special coil and metallic pegs. In the neighboring rooms, people were also interrogated and tortured. I could hear their screams. The policemen wanted me to confess to being gay and to snitch on my friends, but I didn’t break."

The story takes a number of horrifying turns, but perhaps the most disturbing aspect is the portion where he reveals that the Chechen government wants families to murder their gay relatives.

"One of my relatives participates in 'gay-hunts'," he says in the video. "He does not suspect me, so he told me that the police have already arrested about 200 people. The police are blackmailing their families, threatening the relatives with dishonor. They are forcing the families to 'take care' of them. It means to kill. If they don’t do it, the police will. I don’t know what to do."

This assault on LGBTQ individuals is a human rights atrocity, and we cannot remain silent.

Some have spoken up — including Senator Marco Rubio (R-Florida), 50 members of the House of Representatives, U.S. ambassador to the United Nations Nikki Haley, former Vice President Joe Biden, and others. Still, many of the most powerful people in the world — such as President Trump and Vice President Pence — have remained silent in the face of this terrible campaign.

That's why it's so important that we don't allow stories like these to just fade into the background. We must keep them front of mind, and sharing the stories of those most affected by this barbaric treatment is one very important way to do that.

More

A mom's heartbreaking question less than 24 hours after her daughter was killed.

In the early hours of June 18, 17-year-old Nabra Hassanen was abducted, assaulted, and murdered in Virginia.

The heartbreaking incident has left her family and the local Muslim community in shock, searching for answers amid senseless tragedy.

Nabra and a small group of friends had just left a local mosque, where the All Dulles Area Muslim Society (ADAMS) was holding late-night prayers in the final days of Ramadan, and they were headed to a nearby fast-food joint to eat before fasting began at sunrise, the Washington Post reported.

The suspect — later identified as 22-year-old Darwin Martinez Torres — reportedly confronted Nabra and her friends on their walk. In the chaos of the moment, the friends dispersed, running back to the safety of the mosque, and Nabra was left behind. Hours later, her body was found in a nearby pond.

Was Nabra targeted because of her Muslim faith?

Still reeling from the news of her daughter's death, her mother, Sawsan Gazzar, was left pondering, why Nabra?

But she thinks she knows the answer.

"I think it had to do with the way she was dressed and the fact that she's Muslim," Gazzar said. "Why would you kill a kid? What did my daughter do to deserve this?"

During a news conference, the Fairfax County Police Department said it is not investigating the murder as a hate crime as there "doesn't seem to be any indication" it was.

Nabra's mother, of course, is not off base for thinking her daughter may have been murdered because of her Muslim faith though.

Anti-Islam attitudes and violence have been on the rise in America and Europe.

Just last month, a report by Muslim civil rights group CAIR found alarming spikes in U.S. hate crimes targeting the Islamic community. After a dramatic increase in incidents between 2014 and 2015, the number of cases rose yet again — another 44% last year.

Demonstrators march in the streets of Queens, New York, after a Muslim was murdered in 2016. Photo by Kena Betancur/AFP/Getty Images.

This isn't just an American problem either.

The same day Nabra was murdered in Virginia, a van plowed through a crowd outside a north London mosque, killing at least one person and injuring several others. According to reports, bystanders heard the driver scream, "I want to kill all Muslims," as he drove.

The media is already being heavily criticized for humanizing the London suspect, who was taken into custody, by using terms like the "white van driver," and not "terrorist," while reporting on the situation.

Nothing can mend the broken hearts of Nabra's grieving loved ones. But the internet is doing everything it can to ease the burden of loss during their time of need.

In the wake of the Nabra's death, multiple fundraising platforms — on sites like LaunchGood and GoFundMe — have rallied supporters to help her family pay for immediate expenses, like funeral costs.

In less than 24 hours, they've raised a staggering $180,000.

The financial support is certainly heartening. But the messages of love on the crowdfunding pages are maybe just as powerful: "May your beautiful soul rest in peace habiti."

More

The Virginia shooter had a history of domestic violence. That's tragically ordinary.

The shooting at a GOP congressional baseball practice on June 14 was allegedly carried out by a man with a history of violence.

Photo by Alex Wong/Getty Images.

Specifically, violence against women.

Alleged shooter James T. Hodgkinson reportedly dragged his daughter out of a neighbor's house by her hair in 2006, according to The Washington Post. When she attempted to flee in a car, Hodgkinson broke in and attempted to cut her out of her seatbelt with a pocket knife.

This isn't extraordinary. In fact, it's tragically ordinary.

A 2015 New York Times report found that in 57% of mass shootings, current or former intimate partners or family members of the shooter were among the victims.

In incidents that don't involve partners or family — like in the recent attack on the Republican congressmen — the killer still frequently has a history of assault against a female partner or family member.

The kind of mass violence that devastates whole communities and rips apart the lives of strangers often begins at home. For the perpetrators of 12 of the most high-profile mass attacks between 2012 and 2017 around the globe, women were their first victims.

1. Esteban Santiago, who killed five at the Fort Lauderdale airport, was arrested the previous year for hitting and strangling his girlfriend.

Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images.

"Santiago verbally assaulted his then girlfriend, a 40-year old mother of one child from a previous marriage whom The Daily Beast is not naming, through a locked bathroom door, telling her to 'Get the fuck out, bitch.' After he forced his way in by breaking down the door, he smacked her in the head and strangled her." — The Daily Beast, Jan. 7, 2017

2. Omar Mateen, the Pulse nightclub shooter, allegedly attacked his wife numerous times, which prompted her to flee and file for divorce.

Photo by Gerardo Mora/Getty Images.

In Sitora Yusufiy's own words: "Once, he woke up to find me on the phone with my cousin and started kicking me. He threatened to kill me if I left him. Another time, I was asleep in front of the TV when he pulled me up by the hair and started slapping me, and then choking me until I gasped for air. He claimed it was because I hadn't done the laundry." — Marie Claire, Sept. 26, 2016

3. Mohamed Lahouaiej-Bouhlel, who murdered 86 people with a truck at a Bastille Day celebration in Nice, France, had been accused of spousal abuse.

Photo by Valery Hache/Getty Images.

"A woman who knows the family told the BBC Lahouaiej-Bouhlel had been thrown out of their home in the Le Ray area of Nice more than a year ago after allegedly beating his wife." — BBC, Aug. 19, 2016

4. Dallas cop-killer Micah Johnson was, allegedly, a serial harasser of fellow soldiers while in the military.

Photo by Spencer Platt/Getty Images.

"Superiors of Johnson accused the deceased murderer of 'egregious sexual harassment,' while he was serving deployment in Afghanistan. They recommended he receive a dishonorable discharge, but for reasons unknown to them, he left the military with an honorable discharge." — Salon, July 16, 2016

5. Cedric Ford, who killed three of his co-workers at a Kansas lawnmower factory in 2016, had recently been served a domestic violence order.

"The order, posted by the Wichita Eagle on its website, was sought by an unidentified woman who had been living with Ford and said he had been physically abusive. She wrote in the order that he was alcoholic, violent, depressed and in need of medical and psychological help." — Reuters, Feb. 27, 2016

6. Robert Lewis Dear, who murdered three outside a Colorado Planned Parenthood clinic in 2015, was accused of abuse by two of his ex-wives and had been arrested and accused of rape.

Image by Handout/Getty Images.

"In the divorce papers, Micheau said Dear threw her around a room by her hair on one occasion and beat her head against the ground. In the affidavit, she said Dear 'erupts into fury in a matter of seconds,' and that she 'lived in fear and dread of his emotional and physical abuse.'" — The Washington Post, Dec. 1, 2015

7. John Houser, who killed two women at a screening of "Trainwreck" in 2015, was accused of "acts of family violence" by his wife, daughter, and others.

Photo by Yuri Gripas/Getty Images.

"Among those listed as wanting protection from Houser were his daughter's fiancé and future in-laws, as well as his wife's aunt. At the time, Houser's wife, Kellie, told police she was so concerned about his propensity for violence that she removed all the guns and weapons from their home." — CBS News, July 24, 2015

8. Ismaaiyl Brinsley first shot his ex-girlfriend before shooting and killing two New York police officers in 2014.

Photo by Jewel Samad/Getty Images.

"Baltimore County Police responded to a call at Brinsley's ex-girlfriend's home in the Baltimore suburb of Owings Mills, Maryland around 5:48 a.m. on Saturday. Brinsley had shot the 29-year-old woman in the stomach and fled, cops said." — CBS News, Dec. 21, 2014

9. Man Haron Monis, who took hostages in a deadly 2014 standoff in Sydney, Australia, had been charged with sexual assault dozens of times.

Photo by Daniel Munoz/Getty Images.

"A 27-year-old woman complained to police that she had been sexually assaulted by Monis, after attending 'spiritual healing sessions' in response to an advertisement placed in newspapers aimed at the Fijian-Indian, Macedonian, Spanish and Chinese communities." — Sydney Morning Herald, Dec. 16, 2014

10. Isla Vista killer Elliot Rodger wrote in his diary about splashing hot coffee on women who didn't pay enough attention to him.

Photo by Robyn Beck/Getty Images.

"Rodger wrote that he splashed two 'hot blonde girls' with his Starbucks latte at an Isla Vista bus stop after they 'didn't even deign to smile back' after he smiled at them." — CNN, May 27, 2014

12. Boston Marathon bomber Tamerlan Tsarnaev was arrested for domestic violence four years before the attack.

Photo by Stan Honda/Getty Images.

"Police responding to the distress call said they arrived to find the couple in a car in front of the house. The officers say they approached Tsarnaev, who stepped out of the vehicle and told them the woman had been 'yelling at him because of another girl.' 'I asked the suspect if he had hit the victim, and he said "Yes, I slapped her,"' the Cambridge officer wrote in the report." —ABC News, April 22, 2013

12. Before killing three of his wife's co-workers in Wisconsin in 2012, Radcliffe Franklin Haughton had been exhibiting violent and controlling behavior toward his wife.

"A man suspected of opening fire at a Wisconsin salon where his wife worked, killing three women and wounding four others, had a history of domestic abuse and had been arrested for slashing his wife's tires a few weeks earlier, police said." — San Diego Union-Tribune, Oct. 22, 2012

It's time to take domestic violence seriously — both as a public and social health crisis.

Photo by Joe Raedle/Getty Images.

Attacks on intimate partners and family members have a nasty habit of leading to much, much worse.

In an age where mass shootings and terror attacks are proliferating, encourage your lawmakers and local law enforcement to enforce prohibitions against those convicted of domestic violence owning deadly firearms.

If someone you know is being abused, it may not benefit them to go to the police right away. Instead, experts recommend, ask the victim what they need, keep a journal of events, and when the time is right, help them create a safety plan where you can communicate discreetly.

You can also reach out to the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help.

It might just save more than one life.

Correction 6/16/2017: The original share image for this post included a photograph of Dzhokhar Tsarnaev, not Tamerlan Tsarnaev. The image has been updated to include a picture of Esteban Santiago in its place.

Trending Stories