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The 90-10 rule can mean the difference between having a life that's joyous or stressful

Taking a moment to skillfully respond can make all the difference.

via Canva/Photos

A woman is both happy and angry.

There is a psychological concept known as the illusion of control, which states that people believe they have greater control over the events in their lives than they do. If you think about it, a lot of our lives are controlled by chance, whether it's our genetics, the families we were born into, the time and place where we were born, and chance encounters that change the trajectory of our lives, such as the moment we met our spouse or someone with a job opportunity.

People who have it good are more likely to attribute their good fortunes to their effort, while those who are having difficulty getting by are more likely to blame bad luck. No matter how we delude ourselves, one thing is certain: many situations we find ourselves in throughout life are out of our control, and our real power lies in our ability to react.

Knowing how to react to situations beyond our control is the crux of the 90-10 rule.

What is the 90-10 rule?

The 90-10 rule, attributed to Stephen Covey in the bestseller “7 Habits of Highly Effective People,” states that 10% of life is made up of what happens to you, and 90% is decided by how you react.

People often explain the 90-10 rule by sharing a story of a mishap at breakfast.

You are having breakfast in business attire, and your young daughter spills coffee on your shirt. You reprimand her and your spouse for putting the cup of coffee too close to the table's ledge. Your daughter gets upset and misses her school bus. So you have to drive her to school, and because you’re speeding, you get a $180 ticket. You arrive at work late, and the day spirals from there. When you get home from work, you have an annoyed wife and child.

Why did you have a bad day?

A) Did the coffee cause it?

B) Did your daughter cause it?

C) Did the policeman cause it?

D) Did you cause it?

The answer is "D".

In an alternative universe, the coffee spills on your shirt, and you forgive your daughter. You change your shirt, your daughter makes the bus, and you get to work five minutes early. Now, instead of having a day that spiraled out of control, taking a moment to see the spilled coffee as an accident changed the entire day.

What happens when people skillfully respond to events out of their control over a long period? Their lives will be completely different than if they chose to take things out of their control personally.

Here are 3 ways to apply the 90-10 rule.

The key is not to take minor inconveniences personally.

1. If someone says something negative about you, do not be a sponge. Let the attack roll off like water off a duck's back. You do not have to let the negative comments affect you.

2. If someone cuts you off in traffic, don’t take it personally; who cares if you get to work 10 seconds later? There's no point in letting it ruin your day.

3. If you get to the airport and find out your flight is delayed, don’t get mad at the person working at the ticket counter. It’s beyond their control. The plane will arrive at some point, whether you get worked up or not.

 airport, airplane, happy man airport, luggage, flights,  A man walking through the airport.via Canva/Photos

The 90-10 rule mirrors the "Let them" theory championed by Mel Robbins, a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, and former lawyer. The first thing is to acknowledge that others are imperfect and that you cannot change them. “People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and frankly, they don't want to. Let them. Let your parents be less than what you deserved," Robbins said in a viral video. "Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale. Try to remind yourself that they're just doing the best they can with the resources and the life experiences they have."

Remember, you can’t control everything, but you can choose how you react to minor annoyances. Choose to respond in a skillful, thoughtful manner without taking things seriously, and you can quickly get past the minor annoyances without causing the adverse ripple effect that can ruin your entire day.

This article originally appeared last year.



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Motivation expert explains how two simple words can free you from taking things personally

You don't need to take responsibility for everything and everyone.

via TEDx SF/Flickr and TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robinson making a TED Talk.

Towards the end of The Beatles’ illustrious but brief career, Paul McCartney wrote “Let it Be,” a song about finding peace by letting events take their natural course. It was a sentiment that seemed to mirror the feeling of resignation the band had with its imminent demise.

The bittersweet song has had an appeal that has lasted generations and that may be because it reflects an essential psychological concept: the locus of control. “It’s about understanding where our influence ends and accepting that some things are beyond our control,” Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist, told The Huffington Post. “We can’t control others, so instead, we should focus on our own actions and responses.”

This idea of giving up control, or the illusion of it, when it does us no good, was perfectly distilled into 2 words that everyone can understand as the “Let Them” theory. Podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins explained this theory perfectly in a vial Instagram video.

 

“I just heard about this thing called the ‘Let Them Theory,’ I freaking love this,” Robbins starts the video.

“If your friends are not inviting you out to brunch this weekend, let them. If the person that you're really attracted to is not interested in a commitment, let them. If your kids do not want to get up and go to that thing with you this week, let them.” Robbins says in the clip. “So much time and energy is wasted on forcing other people to match our expectations.”

“If they’re not showing up how you want them to show up, do not try to force them to change; let them be themselves because they are revealing who they are to you. Just let them – and then you get to choose what you do next,” she continued.

The phrase is a great one to keep in your mental health tool kit because it’s a reminder that, for the most part, we can’t control other people. And if we can, is it worth wasting the emotional energy? Especially when we can allow people to behave as they wish and then we can react to them however we choose.

@melrobbins

Stop wasting energy on trying to get other people to meet YOUR expectations. Instead, try using the “Let Them Theory.” 💥 Listen now on the #melrobbinspodcast!! “The “Let Them Theory”: A Life Changing Mindset Hack That 15 Million People Can’t Stop Talking About” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #letthemtheory #letgo #lettinggo #podcast #podcastepisode

How you respond to their behavior can significantly impact how they treat you in the future.

It’s also incredibly freeing to relieve yourself of the responsibility of changing people or feeling responsible for their actions. As the old Polish proverb goes, “Not my circus, not my monkeys.”

“Yes! It’s much like a concept propelled by the book ‘The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F**k.’ Save your energy and set your boundaries accordingly. It’s realizing that we only have “control” over ourselves and it’s so freeing,” 60DaysToLive2012 wrote.

“Let It Be” brought Paul McCartney solace as he dealt with losing his band in a very public breakup. The same state of mind can help all of us, whether it’s dealing with parents living in the past, friends who change and you don’t feel like you know them anymore, or someone who cuts you off in traffic because they’re in a huge rush to go who knows where.

The moment someone gets on your nerves and you feel a jolt of anxiety run up your back, take a big breath and say, “Let them.”


This article originally appeared last year.

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Productivity expert shares the simple, 5-second trick that'll help you stop procrastinating

You have to beat your mind to the punch.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels and TEDx SF/Flickr

A man in a red shirt has an epiphany and Mel Robbins delivers a TED Talk.

It’s a wonder that humans can get anything done because we are hard-wired to procrastinate. Whenever we consider performing a task that may be boring, unpleasant, or stressful, the brain automatically sends a signal that says why not do it “later” or “tomorrow”?

Humans are natural-born procrastinators because our old brain wants to protect us from potential danger or discomfort. So, when faced with an uncomfortable situation, our brain springs into action and suggests we do it later.

While some people are able to override this reaction, many cannot and researchers believe that around 20% are chronic procrastinators.

As we all know, this knee-jerk reaction can cause all sorts of troubles. It can make it a lot harder to be a good employee, take care of domestic responsibilities, or ensure our school work is done on time. According to Psychological Science, chronic procrastinators have higher levels of anxiety and often have inadequate retirement savings.

It makes sense. When we put off taking care of the things we need to handle, they have a way of creeping up on us and creating a lot of anxiety.

The good news is that podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins has a solution that can help many people bypass the procrastination impulse and get things done. She calls it the 5-Second Rule.

The technique just takes 3 easy steps:

  1. Recognize the moment that your mind begins to make excuses and tell you that whatever you need to do—whether it’s the dishes, your homework, or having a meaningful conversation—can be put off ‘til later.
  2. Start counting down in your head or out loud, “5-4-3-2-1.”
  3. Begin the task once you hit the number 1.

Why does it work? Counting down transitions your brain's function from the primitive, procrastinating midbrain to the prefrontal cortex, which is associated with decision-making. Also, by counting, your brain focuses on the numbers instead of making excuses, so nothing prevents you from starting the task.

According to Robbins, overcoming procrastination and taking care of business isn’t just about about being motivated.

“You think what you're missing is motivation, but that's not true,” says Robbins. "To change, to start a business, to be a better parent, a better companion, and to do all the things you want to achieve in life—you will necessarily have to go through complicated, scary and uncertain things. You’re never going to ‘feel it,’ but you can do it.”

She believes that techniques such as the 5-Second Rule allow us to regain control over our minds and bodies so we can live the lives we are truly meant to enjoy. According to Robbins, asserting control over our thoughts means “regaining confidence in yourself; fighting your fears; stopping stressing; living happier, and finally having the courage to share and defend your ideas.”

So next time you are about to start a new project but your brain tells you to first pick up your phone and scroll through Instagram, simply start counting down from 5. The desire will pass and you’ll have taken the first step toward achieving your goals and getting free from your old brain.

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Feeling discouraged? Here's a simple, counterintuitive cure to get some joy back.

"It doesn't make sense, but boy, oh boy, does it work."

via TEDx SF and BĀBI/Unsplash

Mel Robbins at the TEDx San Francisco event.

There are a lot of reasons for people to get discouraged these days. The cost of living is through the roof. We’ve entered the early phases of an election year that Americans of all political stripes are dreading and an increasing number of people are dealing with mental health issues.

That’s why we’re sharing a simple piece of advice from Mel Robbins that can hopefully uplift those feeling down by providing them with a simple tool to help when they feel hopeless.

Mel Robbins is a popular podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer who caught the public’s attention with her 2011 Ted Talk, “How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over.”

“If you’re feeling really discouraged right now or just in survival mode, I have some counterintuitive advice to give you and it's based on research. I didn't believe it when I first heard it, but it actually makes a lot of sense,” Robbins starts her video.

Feeling discouraged? Here is my counterintuitive advice. 

@melrobbins

Feeling discouraged? Here is my counterintuitive advice. #melrobbins #dailyinspiration #mindsetmotivation #negativethinking #overwhelm #positivechanges #findyourhappy #spotlighteffect

“See, when things in life feel very hard, our brain tends to focus on what's not working,” she continued. “It magnifies the negative in your life and so it's all you see. And when all you see is the negative, it impacts your energy, and you feel tired, drained, and exhausted by the negative in your life.”

Her solution? Add “one thing” to your life that you love that’s positive. Many people are struggling with money these days, but there are a lot of positive experiences people can enjoy that cost very little or are free.

“Go paint this weekend. Go to an Art Museum. Go hang out with a friend. Sign up for a class. Start running again,” Robbins says.

According to Robbins, adding one positive thing will help divert your attention from your problems and focus them on the things that make life worth living. “You have something to look for, and the positive energy starts to wash away all of the negative things,” she said. “It doesn't make sense, but boy, oh boy, does it work.”

Psychological rehabilitation specialist Kendra Cherry agrees with Robbins in a piece she wrote for Verywell Mind. “When you find yourself ruminating on things, look for an uplifting activity to pull yourself out of this negative mindset,” she wrote. “For example, if you find yourself mentally reviewing some unpleasant event or outcome, consciously try to redirect your attention elsewhere and engage in an activity that brings you joy.”

One of the commenters on the video agreed with the importance of adding a little positivity to one's life because they ahd experienced the benefits first-hand. "My boss had us journal 3 positive things that happened each day. Did it for 3 weeks and it changed my life for years. Need to start it again," Kiki wrote.

“That’s amazing! Your boss was definitely on to something!” Robbins responded.

"Adding 1 positive thing instead of forcing everything to seem ok is great advice,” Eleni added. “You cannot ignore the reality, instead add positive moments.”

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