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Motivation expert's two-word theory frees you from taking it personally when others let you down

You don't need to take responsibility for everyone.

via TEDx SF/Flickr

Mel Robbins giving a TEDx speech.

One of the most disappointing aspects of life is that, at some point, everyone close to you will eventually let you down or fall short of your expectations. Some have slip-ups and fall short of what you'd expect, and some consistently let you down your entire life.

It can be deflating when people don’t show up when you need them, especially if you have been there for them. When you need people and they don’t show up, it feels like you’re carrying a burden that you can never get off your back. That’s why Mel Robbins’ two-word “Let them” theory is so powerful. It liberates you from constantly feeling controlled by those who let you down.

What is the ‘Let them’ theory?

Mel Robbins is a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, former lawyer, and author of The Let Them Theory. In the TikTok video below, she explains how allowing people to be themselves gives you the power to improve the things you can control, instead of suffering in the same cycle of expectations and disappointments.

@melrobbins

People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves... and a lot of them haven't done the work. Listen to The Let Them Theory, narrated by yours truly, only on @audible 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory People can only meet you as far as they've met themselves... and a lot of them haven't done the work. Listen to The Let Them Theory, narrated by yours truly, only on @Audible 💚 #melrobbins #letthem #letthemtheory

The “Let them” practice begins by acknowledging that others are imperfect and we cannot change them. “People can only meet you as deeply as they've met themselves. Most people haven't gone to therapy, they haven't looked at their issues, and frankly, they don't want to. Let them. Let your parents be less than what you deserved," she opens the video. "Let your family life be something that isn't a fairy tale. Try to remind yourself that they're just doing the best they can with the resources and the life experiences they have."

mel robbins, motivation expert, mel robbins podcast, let them theory, microphoneMotivation expert Mel Robbins.Photo © Cody OLoughlin (PR Photo)

While it can be hard to admit that some of the most important people in your life will never turn things around to your satisfaction, accepting that reality is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself. “But here's the important part,” Robbins continues. “Now that you know the 'Let them' theory, you get to choose what happens moving forward, because you're gonna focus on what you can control, which is what you say, what you do, what you value, and what energy you bring to the relationship.”

Put simply: Now that you allow them to be who they are, you can act accordingly. You can stop carrying the weight of unmet expectations.

What is the locus of control?

Robbins’ theory is a simple way of understanding the locus of control psychological concept. The locus of control is the extent to which we believe we have control over our own lives. When our actions, thoughts, and feelings are contingent on events (and people) outside of our control, we have an external locus of control. The healthy thing is to revert that to an internal locus of control, where we believe we control the outcomes of our actions. Those with an internal locus of control tend to be less influenced by others, work hard to get what they want, and report being happier, and more independent.

mel robbins, motivation expert, mel robbins podcast, let them theory, psychologyMotivation expert Mel Robbins.Photo via © Tony Luong (PR Photo)

“The only person you can change is you,” Robbins says at the end of her video. "When you say ‘Let them,’ you see your family exactly as they are, perhaps for the very first time in your life. They're human. You have no control over what's happened. You have no control over who they are. You can only control what you do from this point forward. Accepting the reality of your situation doesn't mean you're surrendering to it. Instead, it's about reclaiming your power to shape your future.”

Now that you’ve taken control of your future, what are you going to do with it?

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Productivity expert shares the simple, 5-second trick that'll help you stop procrastinating

You have to beat your mind to the punch.

via Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels and TEDx SF/Flickr

A man in a red shirt has an epiphany and Mel Robbins delivers a TED Talk.

It’s a wonder that humans can get anything done because we are hard-wired to procrastinate. Whenever we consider performing a task that may be boring, unpleasant, or stressful, the brain automatically sends a signal that says why not do it “later” or “tomorrow”?

Humans are natural-born procrastinators because our old brain wants to protect us from potential danger or discomfort. So, when faced with an uncomfortable situation, our brain springs into action and suggests we do it later.

While some people are able to override this reaction, many cannot and researchers believe that around 20% are chronic procrastinators.

As we all know, this knee-jerk reaction can cause all sorts of troubles. It can make it a lot harder to be a good employee, take care of domestic responsibilities, or ensure our school work is done on time. According to Psychological Science, chronic procrastinators have higher levels of anxiety and often have inadequate retirement savings.

It makes sense. When we put off taking care of the things we need to handle, they have a way of creeping up on us and creating a lot of anxiety.

The good news is that podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer Mel Robbins has a solution that can help many people bypass the procrastination impulse and get things done. She calls it the 5-Second Rule.

The technique just takes 3 easy steps:

  1. Recognize the moment that your mind begins to make excuses and tell you that whatever you need to do—whether it’s the dishes, your homework, or having a meaningful conversation—can be put off ‘til later.
  2. Start counting down in your head or out loud, “5-4-3-2-1.”
  3. Begin the task once you hit the number 1.

Why does it work? Counting down transitions your brain's function from the primitive, procrastinating midbrain to the prefrontal cortex, which is associated with decision-making. Also, by counting, your brain focuses on the numbers instead of making excuses, so nothing prevents you from starting the task.

According to Robbins, overcoming procrastination and taking care of business isn’t just about about being motivated.

“You think what you're missing is motivation, but that's not true,” says Robbins. "To change, to start a business, to be a better parent, a better companion, and to do all the things you want to achieve in life—you will necessarily have to go through complicated, scary and uncertain things. You’re never going to ‘feel it,’ but you can do it.”

She believes that techniques such as the 5-Second Rule allow us to regain control over our minds and bodies so we can live the lives we are truly meant to enjoy. According to Robbins, asserting control over our thoughts means “regaining confidence in yourself; fighting your fears; stopping stressing; living happier, and finally having the courage to share and defend your ideas.”

So next time you are about to start a new project but your brain tells you to first pick up your phone and scroll through Instagram, simply start counting down from 5. The desire will pass and you’ll have taken the first step toward achieving your goals and getting free from your old brain.

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Health

Feeling discouraged? Here's a simple, counterintuitive cure to get some joy back.

"It doesn't make sense, but boy, oh boy, does it work."

via TEDx SF and BĀBI/Unsplash

Mel Robbins at the TEDx San Francisco event.

There are a lot of reasons for people to get discouraged these days. The cost of living is through the roof. We’ve entered the early phases of an election year that Americans of all political stripes are dreading and an increasing number of people are dealing with mental health issues.

That’s why we’re sharing a simple piece of advice from Mel Robbins that can hopefully uplift those feeling down by providing them with a simple tool to help when they feel hopeless.

Mel Robbins is a popular podcast host, author, motivational speaker and former lawyer who caught the public’s attention with her 2011 Ted Talk, “How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over.”

“If you’re feeling really discouraged right now or just in survival mode, I have some counterintuitive advice to give you and it's based on research. I didn't believe it when I first heard it, but it actually makes a lot of sense,” Robbins starts her video.

Feeling discouraged? Here is my counterintuitive advice. 

@melrobbins

Feeling discouraged? Here is my counterintuitive advice. #melrobbins #dailyinspiration #mindsetmotivation #negativethinking #overwhelm #positivechanges #findyourhappy #spotlighteffect

“See, when things in life feel very hard, our brain tends to focus on what's not working,” she continued. “It magnifies the negative in your life and so it's all you see. And when all you see is the negative, it impacts your energy, and you feel tired, drained, and exhausted by the negative in your life.”

Her solution? Add “one thing” to your life that you love that’s positive. Many people are struggling with money these days, but there are a lot of positive experiences people can enjoy that cost very little or are free.

“Go paint this weekend. Go to an Art Museum. Go hang out with a friend. Sign up for a class. Start running again,” Robbins says.

According to Robbins, adding one positive thing will help divert your attention from your problems and focus them on the things that make life worth living. “You have something to look for, and the positive energy starts to wash away all of the negative things,” she said. “It doesn't make sense, but boy, oh boy, does it work.”

Psychological rehabilitation specialist Kendra Cherry agrees with Robbins in a piece she wrote for Verywell Mind. “When you find yourself ruminating on things, look for an uplifting activity to pull yourself out of this negative mindset,” she wrote. “For example, if you find yourself mentally reviewing some unpleasant event or outcome, consciously try to redirect your attention elsewhere and engage in an activity that brings you joy.”

One of the commenters on the video agreed with the importance of adding a little positivity to one's life because they ahd experienced the benefits first-hand. "My boss had us journal 3 positive things that happened each day. Did it for 3 weeks and it changed my life for years. Need to start it again," Kiki wrote.

“That’s amazing! Your boss was definitely on to something!” Robbins responded.

"Adding 1 positive thing instead of forcing everything to seem ok is great advice,” Eleni added. “You cannot ignore the reality, instead add positive moments.”

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Psychologist breaks down the real reason we love true crime, and it's blowing people's minds

What is it about this pop culture juggernaut that has us hooked?

GIPHY, @melrobbins/TikTok

One in three Americans consume true crime content

Unlike the murder victims it centers around, there seems to be no end in sight for true crime, and the cult-like following it inspires. One in three Americans consume true crime content—be it in the form of a podcast, movies, television series, books, even online forums and videos—at least once a week. Thirteen percent of those folks would even say it’s their favorite genre.

But just what is it about this pop culture juggernaut that has us hooked? Danger and suspense? Mystery? Our fascination with the dark side of humanity?

Perhaps. But according to one psychologist, there’s another insidious reason lurking in the shadows of our subconscious.

While appearing on a recent episode of “The Mel Robbins Podcast,” Dr. Thema Bryant told viewers:

“If your idea of relaxing before you go to sleep is watching three episodes of ‘Law & Order,’ I would encourage you to think about, ‘Why is trauma relaxing to me?’”

Driving the point home, Bryant follows up with, “That’s what it is. It’s harm, crime violation, attacks, and that’s what’s going to soothe me into my bedtime.”

Bryant explained that her clients who engage in this activity often say they enjoy it because it feels “normal and familiar.”

In other words, some of us might be crime aficionados because of unresolved trauma.

@melrobbins If your idea of “relaxing” before bed is watching a few episodes of Law & Order (or any other #truecrime show), listen up. This was just ONE of the many incredible mic drop moments 🎤 and knowledge bombs 💣 that @Dr Thema Bryant drops on the #melrobbinspodcast. Listen now!! 👉 “6 Signs You’re Disconnected From Your Power and How to Get It Back: Life-Changing Advice From the Remarkable Dr. Thema Bryant” 🔗 in bio #melrobbins #podcast #trauma #traumatok #healing #bingewatching ♬ original sound - Mel Robbins

“Some of us grew up in high stress, so people mistake peace for boring,” she said. “And it’s like, to come home to yourself, you have to lean into the discomfort, because it’s gonna feel unfamiliar.”

Bryant’s perspective was a bit of a mic drop moment online, with several true-crime fans coming to some shocking self realizations.

“[And] this was the moment I realized . . . I haven’t watched [‘Law & Order: Special Victims Unit’] since I went to therapy and started healing,” another person wrote. one person wrote on TikTok.

“Gut drop…Off to journal,” wrote another.

Over on Youtube, folks had a similar reaction.

via GIPHY

“Ouch! Hit home! Never ever thought about that. Wow!” exclaimed one viewer.

Still, others weren’t so sold on the theory, and attested that there was much more nuance to their intrigue.

One person argued “The trauma isn’t relaxing to me- it’s the justice the characters/real people often get that I never did in my own life.”

Or maybe, a few suggested, people listen to true crime simply for its distinct monotonous timbre.

“I really thought it's because of the boring solemn tone of the show, the soothing voice of the narrator,” one person quipped.

There might be other components at play as well. According to YouGov.com, over half of all American true crime consumers say it not only gives them a better understanding of the justice system, but it makes them more empathetic as well—which goes against the common sentiment that the genre desensitizes people to violence and makes them overly fearful or paranoid.

via GIPHY

As any good detective knows, all motivations are worth considering. I think we can all agree that it’s always interesting to contemplate why we do the things we do. Whether that’s committing a crime, or using one to go to sleep.

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