An image of two young children in a fight.
It’s an unsavory scenario many parents have found themselves in: you’re watching your child play with other kiddos, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a fist starts flying…and your little one is on the receiving end.
Every parenting instinct in us might beckon that we immediately rush to our child’s rescue, and give that other kid the what for. Similarly, many parents might be inclined to instill a “hit back” mentality into their kiddos, in an effort to teach them to stand up for themselves.
But what if there’s a better way? According to certified parenting coach Anuradha Gupta, there most certainly is.
Is it possible to teach kids non-violence without causing them to be weak? Photo credit: Canva
In an Instagram post, Gupta shared four simple steps parents can take to turn those universally “awkward, hard-to-navigate moments” into opportunities to model “what calm strength looks like.” That way, the next time a boundary is crossed, kids know exactly what to do.
Here’s how:
Step 1: Gupta says to go to your own child, not the child who did the hitting, or their parent. Because immediately, kids need to know they’re safe. Gupta added that parents should make eye contact while saying something along the lines of “that wasn’t okay. I saw what happened. I’m right here.”
Step 2: this is when parents can “hold a boundary” by calmly telling the other child, “we don’t hit. That hurts.” It’s important to stay calm and not “scold," Gupta writes, because you are modeling how to respond calmly rather than emotional react.
Step 3: since most young children (toddlers and preschoolers) won’t inherently know what to say in these situations, Gupta writes that parents can “give them the words.” Things like “Don’t hit me” or “That hurt. Stop.” She added that it’s totally fine if your child isn’t up for repeating it immediately. What is vital is that you’re “planting seeds.”
Step 4: Practice setting these boundaries at home, where it is safe and feathers are no longer ruffled. “You can even role play with toys or act it out with them,” Gupta writes. Some suggested prompts are “What could you say if someone hits you?” and “Show me your strong voice.” One important note is to keep it fun and light here as you “build muscle memory for real moments.”
Gupta’s post was unsurprisingly met with a few parents who insisted on the “teach kids to hit back” method, the general consensus being that it better deters any future bullying. However, research findings aren’t so cut and dry. Some studies suggest it may indeed prevent further bullying, while others indicate that those who hit back are more likely to be victims again months later.
In a perfect world, bullies would no longer exist. But here we are. Photo credit: Canva
And perhaps more importantly, as many other parents in the comments section noted, this strategy of "fight fire with fire” doesn’t allow for much nuance—the fact that not every kid hits on purpose with ill intent, or will necessarily do it again, etc.—nor does it teach kids how to deescalate situations to avoid more violence. Arguably it comes down to what type of confidence you want to teach your kid.
All in all, hitting back does have its place, but this is some food for thought on what else is possible. Parenting is after all, a balancing act between teaching kids how to deal with the world as it is, and how it could be.