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via Pexels and @drjoekort / TikTok

Gay sex and relationships therapist Dr. Joe Kort is causing a stir on TikTok where he explains why straight men who have sex with men can still be considered straight. If a man has sex with a man doesn't it ultimately make him gay or bisexual?

According to Kort, there can be a big chasm between our sexual and romantic orientations.

"Straight men can be attracted to the sex act, but not to the man. Straight men having sex with men doesn't cancel somebody's heterosexuality any more than a straight woman having sex with a woman cancels her [heterosexuality]," he says in the video.



Kort says he isn't erasing bisexuality, but that it's an entirely different phenomenon from straight men who have sex with men. Bisexual men are attracted to both men and women romantically, but straight men who have sex with other men, are only into the sex, not the person.

"When straight men have sex with men, it's not a gay thing. It's a guy thing," he explains in a later video.

For the man who has sex with other men and considers himself straight, it's more about getting off than getting close.

The video has had a lot of negative comments, most saying that men who have sex with men are gay or bisexual, case-closed. "Can I eat steak and still be vegan?" one commenter asks.

Many also accused Kort of being mildly homophobic for giving straight men the option to have gay sex without having to confront the notion they may be gay or bisexual.

Kort's videos point out the seldom-discussed idea that sexual and romantic attraction are not the same thing. Then, by adding the twist that someone can be into sex with a certain gender without feeling any romantic pull, makes things even more confusing.

The type of men that Kort describes could be aroused by another man sexually, but wouldn't feel comfortable or have any interest in being emotionally intimate with them. In fact, the emotional intimacy with another man may make them uncomfortable. It's just sex for sex's sake and what's wrong with that?

This same type of man may enjoy fantasizing about gay sex or watching gay pornography while having little interest in actually performing the act in real life.

Kort further explained his thoughts in a subsequent video.

"When I'm talking about straight men who sleep with men, I'm talking about a difference between who you're attracted to and what fantasies you have in your head. You have a sexual orientation and an erotic orientation," he says.

"And the things that are embedded in your erotic orientation that turn you on, that bring you to the finish line, can include other genders. You can imagine yourself being another gender," he continues.

Kort does a great job at explaining the difference between romantic and sexual attraction and that, for some, it spans gender. It may also help some men who are only into guys sexually and are unsure why they have zero romantic interest in someone, feel a little less confused.

Oregon's Kate Brown is the nation's first (and only) openly LGBTQ person to be elected governor.

After being involuntarily outed by the local newspaper in a story about LGBTQ legislators in the early 1990s, Brown came out as bisexual to her family (who told her it would be easier if she were a lesbian); her gay and straight friends (who called her "half-queer" and "indecisive" respectfully); and her colleagues in the state legislature (one of whom took the news as an opportunity to hit on her).

Photo by Scott Olson/Getty Images.


The responses Brown received after coming out are disappointing but sadly unsurprising considering that bisexuality is often a source of jokes, confusion, needless ridicule, and — worst — complete erasure.

Bisexuality deserves a place in the conversation when it comes to the greater needs, challenges, and resources of the LGBTQ community. Bisexual+ Awareness Week — the plus includes people who identify as queer, pansexual, fluid, or without labels at all — aims to do just that with articles, events, hashtags (#biweek), and conversations that celebrate and center bisexual+ people.

Brown joined Texas Rep. Mary Gonzalez and Wisconsin Rep. JoCasta Zamarripa for a conversation on Twitter about legislating while bisexual+.

Hosted by GLAAD and the Victory Institute, the hourlong event featured questions on topics ranging from role models to policy. It's clear these three leaders work hard for their state and districts while pushing back against bisexual erasure and discrimination.

Here are seven of their many thoughtful responses and advice for bisexual people (or frankly anyone in an underrepresented group) thinking about running for office:

1. When it comes to building community, it starts with representation.

Recent studies show that people who identify as bisexual may make up as much as half the LGBTQ community, but less than 30% are out to those closest to them. To dismantle stereotypes and to help others feel safe enough to live openly, increased visibility of those who are out is vital.

2. Having the support of the LGBTQ community and allies remains important, particularly with President Donald Trump's threatening policy decisions.

Bisexual people can be black, white, disabled, cis, trans, or nonbinary too. Recognizing and honoring that intersectionality is vital.

3. More bisexual people should consider running for public office.

"No more 'bi-erasure.' We are here. We are proud," Zamarripa tweeted with an additional message:

"It is important for bi people to run for office, so we can advocate for policies that will help bisexual people survive and thrive. We also need to run for office so we are visible. No more bi-erasure. We are here. We exist. We are proud. And, in doing so, we lift up other bisexual folks, especially youth, so they know they can not only survive but thrive."

If the rights and liberties of the LGBTQ community are at risk, then LGBTQ people and our allies must be in the conversation to speak up and preserve them.

4. While making the decision to be a leader — political or otherwise — can be scary, there are plenty of organizations and political leaders available to help get you started.

Consider reaching out to the Victory Institute, Emily's List, or She Should Run for resources in your community.

5. Need a little encouragement? Gonzalez recommended some books to get folks started.

Gonzalez looks to queer women of color for inspiration. Here are five more to keep your nightstand crowded.

6. Gonzalez also had a few words of inspiration.

7. But get out there and leave your mark. Because the world needs your voice now more than ever.

You never know who's admiring your work or looking up to you. In a series of tweets after the chat, Brown wrote (emphasis added):

"After I got sworn in as the nation's first openly LGBTQ governor, I got a letter from a young bisexual person. They felt like my coming out gave them a reason to live, like they weren't alone. That stuck with me. If I can be a role model for one young person, and make a difference in their life, it's all worth it."

Brown, then an Oregon senator, hugs former state Rep. George Eighmey after Gov. Ted Kulongoski signed two bills protecting gay rights into law. Photo by Craig Mitchelldyer/Getty Images.

Simply put, sexuality is complicated.

In 1948, famed American sexologist Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues published "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male."The book includedthe Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, more commonly known as the "Kinsey Scale." Based on their subjects' sexual histories, Kinsey's team made a scale from 0 to 6, with 0 being exclusively heterosexual, 6 exclusively homosexual, and 3 being equal parts of the two.

Demonstrators march for marriage equality in Mexico City. Photo by Yuri Cortez/AFP/Getty Images.


People have learned a lot about sexuality since then, and we've had a sexual revolution for good measure. There are plenty of identities, orientations, and lived experiences other than homosexuality and heterosexuality. All are unique and valid. But the Kinsey reports forever changed the way we look at sexuality, so the idea that it's is a straight line or continuum persists. This explains why it's relatively common to hear people, on the topic of sexuality, say, "Everyone is a little bisexual."  

Usually, the speaker's intentions aren't malicious, but that doesn't mean their words are harmless.

Perpetuating this myth erases the countless people who identify as bisexual or pansexual, orientations in their own right. Bisexuality is not simply the midway point between homosexual and heterosexual. Bisexual people have unique experiences, concerns, and issues that deserve to be talked about, addressed, and researched. If "everyone is a little bisexual," those issues are easy to overlook and erase, and that's not the only reason it's problematic.

A scene from the Mexico City Pride Parade. The signs read "Mom, I'm pansexual" and "Mom, I'm bisexual." Photo by Alfredo Estrella/AFP/Getty Images.

The M. Slade comic below was originally published on Everyday Feminism. It perfectly explains why, "Everyone is a little bit bisexual," often does more harm than good.  

Comic by M. Slade originally published on "Everyday Feminism."

This doesn't mean you can't be supportive. Here's what you can do instead.

Listen.

Like Slade said in the comic, "It's not your place to find a label for your friend." If your friend, colleague, or family member comes to you with complicated feelings, your first responsibility is to be a compassionate listener. Just be a good friend. Close your mouth and open your heart. If you insist on speaking, "I'm here for you, whatever you need," is a good place to start.

Do your homework.

Seek out LGBTQ writers, authors, and podcasters for first person essays, novels, articles, and interviews. These are simple but effective ways to learn more about someone else's lived experience and provide some insight into communities that aren't always represented on TV, in film, or even on the news.

Be an active ally.

Being an ally is good, but being an active one is better. It's not enough to fave a tweet or change your profile picture on Facebook. Do your part to signal boost voices that often get ignored, like trans women of color and LGBT people with disabilities. March, write your legislators, and volunteer or support organizations already doing the work. Don't just tell your friends and family how much you care, show them.

Demonstrators pushed for President Obama to stand up for LGBT rights at a 2009 protest. Photo by Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images.

Yes, sexuality is complicated. Being a decent person is easy.

Keep listening, keep learning, and never stop doing your part to encourage inclusivity.

More

This comic embraces the complexity of bisexuality in relationships.

Bisexuals do not 'pick' or 'end up on one side or the other.'

Let's get one thing straight: Bisexuality is real.

Contrary to popular belief, you don't just "switch teams" when convenient. Being bisexual is not in a medieval-style game in which you ultimately choose women or men at the finish line either. And bisexuality also doesn't end when you get in a committed relationship. Relationships don't end our physical attraction to other humans ... and for those who identify as bisexual, those other humans could be a man or a woman.

There are a lot of studies that point to the stigma and variations of bisexuality, too. Some studies show that women are more likely to identify as bisexual than men. But more men in recent years have admitted to having homosexual encounters, too.


And while this does not necessarily mean that someone is bisexual, the line between straight and gay has certainly blurred more powerfully in recent years.

In a comic featured on Empathize This, an artist takes us on her own marriage journey as a bisexual woman.

She's married to a man, but she explains that her bisexual identity is an inherent part of her, a part that her partner shouldn't minimize, which is something that many bi-identifying folks can relate to:


Bisexuality isn't just a phase. And recognizing that is an awesome way to acknowledge folks of all sexual orientations, no matter what their relationships look like.

This is how we can create a more inclusive and open world for folks everywhere. And that's something worth celebrating!