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There's a way around this friendship pitfall.

As I get closer (how much closer, I'd rather not say) to my 40s, I've noticed a habit forming in my friendships. With kids, work, and family obligations, I don't have as much time as I'd like to get together with friends. So when I do, there's usually a lot to catch up on. We'll often go to drinks after I put my kids to bed and catch-up on everything we've missed in each other's lives the past few months. We'll share the ups and downs, the big updates, and do lots of venting about the things that haven't gone our way. And then, when the night's over, we wait six months and do it all over again.

It's always great to see friends, don't get me wrong. But there's a big part of me that yearns for more of the moments that made us friends to begin with, whether they're friends I sat through classes with in school or goofed around with at an old job. And now I know I'm not the only one who feel this way.

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The gals at the Life Uncut Podcast just described this phenomenon perfectly: They call it the "Catch Up Trap"

The Catch Up Trap is not a new phenomenon, but never before has it been so perfectly encapsulated. On a recent episode of the podcast, comedian Tanya Hennessy chatted with hosts Laura Byrne and Brittany Hockley about this 'trap' that they've all experienced in their adult lives.

"I was just seeing friends, and the conversation was literally just a recap. I felt like i was just recapping my life back to somebody as opposed to living it with them," Hennessy said. She noted that, too often, these recaps turn into vent sessions where friends take turns railing on and on about their problems. Too much stress and not enough laughter. "I'm bored," she says. "I'm sick of talking about myself."

The hosts agreed from their own experiences that at the end of these "catch up" hangouts, they always end up feeling somewhat dissatisfied. It's great when a friendship has such a strong foundation that it can sustain itself on these fumes for years and years, but not investing in growing the friendship with new memories and experiences ends up feeling a little hollow and exhausting after a while.

Watch the discussion here in a clip from the podcast's Instagram:

Viewers connected so deeply to the gang's frustration with modern adult friendships.

Nearly 500,000 people viewed the Reel on Instagram and commented by the dozens to shout about how the conversation made them feel so seen and understood:

"Love this chat, ‘catch up’ friendships feel more exhausting than meaningful. I want to do life with my friends!!!"

"I'm in my early thirties and I've been struggling to describe what I've been feeling for the longest time, but you've done it incredibly well. It's such a shift in friendships, and so much more noticeable when they were those friends you used to hang out with several times a week, and experience most of your life with. Now they are all in relationships, which has nothing to do with it, but I've felt we've entered this phase of friendship much more since then."

"I could not agree more!!!!!! I’m so tired of talking about my problems and sharing the hard times etc, I wanna do fun things, and make memories more"

So, if you've fallen into the catch up trap in your own relationships, how can you pull yourself out of it? What should you do instead?

In short, go do something together! Have some fun, make a new memory. Don't just sit and vent over a glass of wine, unless that's the vibe you're really craving at that moment. Just don't make it the default. There's a world of possibility at your fingertips, like bowling, seeing a new movie together, or perusing an art gallery.

"Go to the zoo or something, let's go do pottery, let's go feel something together, let's have a shared experience," Hennessy said on the show. "Do we need to do something as a shared memory to actually evolve our friendship?"

Viewers agreed that while the idea sounds simple and obvious, it makes a world of difference in the depth of your relationships.

"[My friend and I] have made a conscious effort to do things and create memories together, last night we went to a pottery class and I never have laughed so hard. It was so nice to do something different and talk about something other than life," one commenter noted.

However, it's important to remember that catching up is important too. Your friends want to know what's going on in your life, with your career, with your family. You can find other creative ways to catch up more frequently (text, call, leave voice notes) and save your precious in-person hang time for stuff that's more interesting and invigorating. Some experts have even advocated for friends to come along while you do more mundane things, too. Bring a friend grocery shopping or running errands and you can catch-up and live life together at the same time.

If it sounds like a lot more work, it just might be. But having close friendships gives us more fulfillment and purpose in our lives, and it also leads to better long-term health outcomes. It'll be worth the extra effort when those old friendships are still running strong decades later instead of petering out over time.

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Extra Chewy Mints

A lot of things about being an adult are hard, but one of the hardest is making new friends.

It's not like back in school where you were practically forced into social situations every day. It was much easier to make a friend just by hanging out at recess or eating at the same lunch table complaining over last night's homework.

Photo via iStock.


Once you're out in the world, most of your time interacting with other people is limited to work. And if you work from home, those interactions are curtailed down to video conferences.

What's worse is that, thanks to the internet, we've gotten lax about forming relationships in real life because it seems like we already have a bunch of friends online. Those "friendships," however, can easily devolve into nothing more than peripheral acquaintances you only interact with by liking or commenting on their posts.

This isolated existence — where very few relationships are cultivated offline — seems to plague millennials most of all.  It's why they're often called "the loneliest generation," which is way more dangerous than it sounds. Studies have shown that loneliness has a mortality rate that's on par with smoking. It causes depression and anxiety to spike, taxing the body as much as the brain.

It's even worse if you're an extrovert, because extroverts feed off the energy of other people. When you don't get that regularly, you're left depleted.

Photo via iStock.

What can you do if you're feeling lonely but don't have a clue how to make new friends? Ask therapist and YouTuber Kati Morton.

Kati is a licensed therapist who's been creating mental health videos for YouTube with the help of her video producer husband since 2011.

She became interested in psychology because she's always been fascinated by human relationships and communication. In fact, that's why she started going to therapy herself as a teenager — to learn how to better communicate with her family. And her respect for sharing feelings only grew as she studied psychology in school.

"You realize people do have the power to change and control how they respond versus react to things," says Morton. "I think that’s really empowering."  

It's no surprise that several of her videos focus on how to connect with others and open up.

[rebelmouse-image 19477192 dam="1" original_size="700x394" caption="Image via Kati Morton/YouTube." expand=1]Image via Kati Morton/YouTube.

Morton says she's seeing more and more patients struggling with in-person connections because they don't know how to initiate them. She recalls one guy commenting, "I try to engage with people, but when I go out, I find it difficult because everyone’s on their phone."

Sound familiar? Smartphones enable us to put up walls without even realizing it — which, in turn, cuts us off from forming new, meaningful relationships, platonic or otherwise.

Morton's advice for how to break through all these barriers might sound counterintuitive, but it really does work: You have to turn your attention to yourself first.

"You need to figure out what’s important to you and who you are first, and what kinds of people you want in your life, before you go out looking for friends," explains Morton.

Say that, for work, you have to move to a new city where you know absolutely no one. You might feel compelled to go out and make friends with the first people you meet. However, if they're not people you truly resonate with, you could end up feeling even more lonely than before.

Once you feel like you have a clear idea of what's important to you, get out there and find a group that speaks to your interests.

Photo via iStock.

Morton suggests checking out the MeetUp app, which connects people via a number of different group activities. It's available in most cities and lists new events every day.

If you don't happen to live near a city that offers it, check and see if there are community activity boards (online or in-person) for your area and sign up for something that sounds fun. If you like to run and have a dog, you might sign up for a dog-walking group and meet someone in your neighborhood who loves to binge-watch the same TV shows you do. Boom — friendship!

Taking this first step might feel particularly daunting if you have social anxiety, but remember, there are other people joining these groups who are just as nervous. It's certainly not as easy as joining an online forum, but it can lead to friendships and experiences that are infinitely more rewarding.

"Make a commitment and go," urges Morton. "It’s hard, and I find that’s where people tend to drop off, but with a little effort, we can make change."

And that change can add up to a whole host of emotional and physical benefits. Several studies have shown that maintaining close friendships helps us be smarter, healthier, and less stressed, especially later in life.

For people who really struggle with socializing, Morton suggests therapy — but only as a temporary stepping stone.

[rebelmouse-image 19477194 dam="1" original_size="700x341" caption="Image via Kati Morton/YouTube." expand=1]Image via Kati Morton/YouTube.

Therapy is not a crutch to lean on when things get hard; it's about acquiring tools so you can learn better ways of coping and reacting to things. It's one of the reasons Morton has a 24/7 chat on her website where members of her online community can reach out and help each other instead of relying only on professional help.

And the tool really works: Members have formed meaningful friendships online and have even flown across the world for various get-togethers. While some go on elaborate vacations, others who've relocated to a different city might just meet up to solidify a new friend base.

Whatever their goal, they're stepping outside of their comfort zones and learning to savor moments with people in real life. It might take some effort — but life's most rewarding endeavors always do.

For a more comprehensive look at making friends as an adult, check out Morton's video: