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People rally behind woman who attended 'anti-loneliness club' only to find out it wasn't real

The cruel prank turned into an affirming moment.

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Woman stood up at 'anti-loneliness club' people rush to support her

There's no definitive handbook on how to make friends as an adult, so most of us are out there winging it. Becoming friends with coworkers can be ill-advised, but often they're the only ones with whom adults spend the most time, so friendships naturally form. But those friendships can quickly sour with office politics or abruptly end when someone leaves the company. It's for that reason, many are told to avoid getting too close to people within the workplace.

This leaves people racking their brains for other ways to meet people they have things in common with. Josie, a woman who goes by the name pastacoma on social media, recently put herself out there in an attempt to meet new people. Things didn't go as planned. Josie saw an event in her area for an "anti-loneliness club" at a local sports bar. The event was shared on Eventbrite, a digital platform that allows people and event coordinators to list events and patrons to purchase digital tickets.

anti-loneliness club; lonely; meeting friends; making friends; adult friendships; social anxiety Quiet contemplation at a cozy night café.Photo credit: Canva

The anti-loneliness club was shared on the platform. Josie snagged her ticket, got dolled up on the night of the event and showed up ready to mingle with other 20-somethings who are hoping to avoid loneliness. Except, the server she encountered hadn't heard the sports bar was hosting an event. Undeterred, Josie showed the server the ticket before he went to ask another server about the event. Neither server knew what Josie was talking about, which is when they called in the owner, hoping to get a definitive answer as to when this event was supposed to take place.

The more Josie had to explain she was there for an anti-loneliness club meetup, the more the discomfort settled in. Unfortunately, the discomfort started to morph into embarrassment when the owner shared the news.

@pastacoma this is the saddest thing ever
♬ original sound - ASMR icons

According to Josie, he says, "I was introduced to the owner, who asked to see the ticket, and he called it the cruelest prank he had ever heard of in his life. He said that if it was a real event that he would've had to approve it and like he's done events with Eventbrite before and like he would've known if it was real."

Though Josie was now sure the event wasn't real, she decided to stick around to see if anyone else "got scammed" and showed up to the faux event. The owner of the bar sat the woman at a six-top table in the middle of the bar so she could wait to see if any other anti-loneliness club members arrived. They didn't. People in the comments cannot believe someone would do this to someone else and offer her words of encouragement, as well as permission to enter her villain era.

anti-loneliness club; lonely; meeting friends; making friends; adult friendships; social anxiety Relaxing on the couch with a phone after takeout.Photo credit: Canva

"Lady you are now the president of the anti loneliness club, and you get to create the club you want it to be! let me know when it's up and running and I'll join you!" one person says.

"I would never trust another event in my life," another writes.

"This should be your villain origin story. And honestly everyone would understand," someone else jokingly encourages.

@pastacoma Replying to @ganondorfwick i hate u @Eventbrite ♬ original sound - josie

One person turned it around saying, "Look the worst possible thing happened to you and you survived to tell about it. That’s pretty awesome."

A common theme begins to emerge within the woman's comment section, people want to be Josie's friend. They also are advocating for her to start her own anti-loneliness group with one person sharing, "Hey, you made the initiative and that’s all that matters. If I lived near you I would love to be your friend. You seem like such a fun person with a fantastic personality!"

"This is your sign to start a group, because there ARE people out there who would appreciate you. You are now the president of the anti loneliness club, find your people."

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Parents now know exactly how to talk to their childless friends thanks to one woman's advice

Rule #1: "I know that most of you think you are not talking about your kids. Cut that back 80%."

@circulargurl/TikTok

she makes some good points

While people who choose to be child-free are completely happy for their friends who do have kids, the difference in lifestyles and priorities can start to cause riffs in many otherwise strong friendships.

A lot of the dissonance can come from the fact that, understandably, being a parent is a major part of someone’s identity. It’s not just about being bombarded with baby pictures, but the way 99% of conversations and activities steer towards things kid-related that is alienating and aggravating.

Thai is what prompted a gal who goes by @circulargurl on TikTok to create a video sharing her list of things parents should not be doing around their child-free friends. And while the video did ruffle some feathers, it brought up some interesting things to consider.

First off in her “rules of decorum”: not hijacking the conversation to talk about the kids, which she assured happens way more often than parents think it does.

I know that most of you think you are not talking about your kids. Cut that back 80%,” she said. “I can guarantee you you're talking about your children most of the conversation. And while we want to hear about your kids ... we don't have children so, we really can't relate so it's a very one-sided conversation.”

Similarly for rule #2: no “logistics.”

For this she gave an example, saying “This summer, when talking with my friends with kids, the amount of conversations I heard which are especially one-sided are about your logistics of getting your kids to activities, summer camps, all of that.”

Why is this a no no? A) It’s “boring.” And B) again, it’s “one-sided.”


@circulargurl

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Next, she asked parents (or people in a partnered relationship, for that matter) to refrain from asking their kid-free or unpartnered friends about their dating life. For one thing, she says that “the dating landscape has changed greatly, and it's a bloodbath,” since COVID, and might be a touchy subject. But even still, romance might not might not be the “center” of their ambitions at the moment. Instead, try to “explore other topics.”

This woman also has a rule that if a child-free friend is visiting from out of town, please do not take them to a kid’s birthday party as an activity. And she seemed to feel strongly about this, saying “it's rude, frankly ... you then put us into a situation where we're with a bunch of other parents and other kids, and we don't identify with that at all. And it's not a place where adult conversation can be had. It's not interesting.”

“We're generally trapped because if we're visiting you from out of town, we're then trapped at the location you brought us to with a bunch of kids and parents we don't know, you know, all talking about our topic, we don't necessarily have an interest in.”

As far as bowing out of plans, the OP added a rule prohibiting using the excuse of “‘My husband won't let me” to cancel, something that a “staggering amount” of her friends have done, apparently.

While she understands that things come up, her use is the “off-putting” phrasing, since “there's something in it that makes it seem like spending time with you is something that they have to somehow come to an agreement on because it's not important.”

But to that point, she begged for parents to “please, please, please” to do their best to come to their kid free friends events.

“Please, please, please, come to our events — our birthdays, our career milestone celebrations. Those are our events. We didn't have a wedding. We didn't have an engagement party. We didn't have a bridal shower. We didn't have a baby shower. We didn't have any of that. If we have an event, it's just as important as those, and if you don't make it, that is an insult.”

And for those who truly can’t come, an actual “check-in” from time to tiem works wonders.

“If you have a friend who lives alone and you go months without checking in with them, it's just not, it's not okay. People who are unpartnered and don't have kids are often sent an inordinate amount of time alone. I don't know what you think they're doing, but they're alone a lot of the time. It can be very isolating. So, please, please, please make a habit of checking in with them, and don't expect them to always check in with you.”

Last, but certainly not least, the OP encourages parents to not make offhanded comments expressing jealousy.

“Don't be envious of the time you think we have…don't be envious of our career advances…we all make our choices. The best way to lose adult friends is to be envious of them. And I see that happening with so much tension happening between ... very successful single child-free women and their mother friends who take a few years to slow down in their careers…it's something we don't talk about enough and we all need to get a little bit more comfortable with it. Not to say mothers cannot be very, very successful, very, very successful, but they're there. You can't have everything all at the same time.”

And that’s that. Eight rules for parents who want to keep their child-free friends in mind.

The video certainly resonated with other child-fre folks who often felt isolated during interactions with their mom friends. One viewer stated “this is such an important topic to talk about + conversation to have. Couples have been prioritized, celebrated + centered for so long. Adults who tackle life alone need validation, respect + support.”

Still, though it goes without saying, so much of this boils down to what makes any friendship work—respecting boundaries, being aware of personal interests, making an effort to stay in touch, etc. As one person put it, “these are all great as long as it’s a two way street and the single/childless friends are also asking how the parents and kids are doing and show interest in their children. It should be reciprocal IMO.”

Maintaining adult friendships is hard. Period. But they are oh so important. So while this set of rules might not be the end-all-be-all for everyone, it’s certainly a conversation worth having…and could end up proving helpful for parents looking to hold onto a bit of themselves that has nothing to do with being a parent (also very important).

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Making friends as an adult is hard. These five tips from an expert can help.

Friendships never stop being important.

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Making friends is hard. But maybe it doens't have to be THAT hard.

Making friends as an adult is definitely not like making friends as a kid.

Remember how easy it was to make a new friend when you were young? Five minutes sharing a slide and suddenly you're bonded for life.

But as we grow older, making friends can become much harder. So hard, in fact, that some people equate having a large group of close friends to a miracle.

Friendships are an important part of life at any age.

Most everyone wants and needs friends, and research shows that friendships can have a huge effect on our physical and mental health. There's not much we can do about friendships that diminish and change as we age — people move, start families and new careers, and shift to new social circles — but it's important to keep forming meaningful, long-lasting connections with people throughout life, whether you're 25 or 80.

It's something that affects us all.

"Making friends is hard for everyone," says Ellen Hendriksen, clinical psychologist and author of "How to Be Yourself," a guide on learning to tame social anxiety. "It's not just you." But knowing you're not alone isn't going to get you the friend circle you want.

Here are five tips to getting into the mindset of making friends — and then going out and doing it.

1. Relax (aka the hardest step).

In college, my abnormal psychology professor told us about a guy who wanted to make friends — five friends (because we all seem have an arbitrary number of pals we think is appropriate). He went to a party and met five people he liked and got their numbers. This guy was so excited that he started calling his new friends immediately, asking them to do things and inviting them for coffee nearly every day.

Of course, his overexcitement became clingy, his new acquaintances suddenly started making excuses, and he ended up being a negative example for a group of undergrads learning about problems in human behavior.

"You can't make friends like a poacher," Hendriksen says. "Focus on being open and curious and thoughtful. Ask questions, listen when others respond, be friendly, and when you slowly inch into the mix, be intentional."

Allow yourself to be in the moment and ask questions that come up naturally. If someone says they're having a hard week at work, ask them about it. If someone tells you they've recently been on a trip, commit to asking something more than just "how was it?" Be interested.

shared interest, making friends, dog park, group involvement

Make friends through shared interests like a dog park.

Photo by Carol Magalhães on Unsplash

2. Repetition is key.

Most articles about how to make friends suggest that people find a hobby, join a group, or volunteer. But Hendriksen says that's not a fail-safe solution.

Ultimately, it's not the activity that matters — although it should be something you enjoy — it's the fact that you're finding a place where other people can get to know you over time. In fact, since more and more research shows that making friends takes longer than previously thought, it's important to give it some time; Hendriksen suggests giving it a season.

You don't have to join an official group or club. Hendriksen once turned an acquaintance into a good friend when the two bonded over their mission to try every Mexican restaurant in Cambridge, Massachusetts. The key is to engage in something that allows you to get to know other people and lets them to get to know you.

"You can go to the same dog park every morning," Hendriksen says. "You can join an Ultimate Frisbee team. You can walk your kids to the bus stop every day and chat with the other parents. Or you can start something with repetition. Have a weekly viewing party for your favorite TV show, start a writer's group, start a new mom's playgroup or a boozy book club."

Really, whatever works for you as long as other people are involved.

3. Disclose, but don’t confess.

Imagine you're meeting someone for the first time. You ask them how they're doing, and they say "fine." There's not much to work with because the other person hasn't disclosed anything. What else is there to say?

Now imagine a different person. You ask them how they're doing and their response is one of sheer distress: "Nothing is going right in my life. Parking was hell, my job kills me, and I'm still not over my ex." I imagine your response to this diatribe wouldn't be particularly positive.

And why should it be? These are things you'd tell to a very close friend, not just someone you've met at your new book club.

This doesn't mean we can never say anything negative — after all, we all have bad days. But your goal is to keep the connection on even footing. Sharing a little bit about yourself is fine, but the goal is to lead to further conversation rather than a deep emotional connection right off the bat.

Why doesn't confession work? Because it's too much, too soon. The goal of confession can be to foster a sense of kinship, but when that strong emotional connection has new acquaintances wondering whether you're looking for a friend or a therapist, the relationship is already off balance. You can get closer, but give it time first.

"Don't let them see all of the mess right away," Hendriksen says, "but let them see a little peek at the mess. What do you do? How do you spend your time? What do you think about? What are you like? Where are you from? What's your story?"

She notes that disclosing things about yourself may feel weird and even "selfish" at first, but it's just because you’re not used to it. Keep trying.

movies, specific day, concrete timeline, new friends

Suggesting a specific activity is better than 'let's hang out sometime.'

Photo by Simon Ray on Unsplash

4. Don’t fear the follow-through.

All of this meeting new people and sharing interests is leading somewhere, right? You also want to make more lasting connections with some of your new acquaintances.

To do that, you must initiate a plan and then follow through.

Sometimes, you'll be lucky and someone will ask you to do something first. But most people are a little bit terrified about stepping outside their comfort zone. And that means making the plans and following through can be tricky — for everyone.

The key is to be specific. "Do you want to hang out sometime?" seems like a nice, safe question that gets to whether someone wants to spend more time together, but it doesn't work. Even if the person says yes, you have no concrete timeline in place. You've thrown the ball into their court and are now at the whim of their schedule.

"Do you want to go see a movie on Saturday?" for instance, or "do you want to take a hike with me on Sunday?" are both great options to feel out if someone's interested in a specific activity on a specific day. If they say yes, then you're good to go.

If they say no? Well, they might come up with an alternative activity.

5. Allow yourself to be anxious. And then go for it anyway.

We've all been there: Someone invites you to an event, and you get excited, but when the day of the event comes, you'd rather be doing anything else. After all, comfort zones are ... well, comfortable.

Although the urge to cancel may be strong, recognizing that these feelings are normal is the first step to overcoming them.

Your brain, Hendriksen says, comes up with worst-case scenarios — What if you say something foolish? What if the other person is only doing it to be nice? What if you have nothing in common? — to keep you safe. "But really, it's a false alarm."

Remember when you were terrified about that presentation in class or that important meeting you were leading at work? Did it end up going OK, even if it was hard? Then why shouldn't this? After all, if you don't try, you'll never be ready.

Though most of us would rather, as Hendriksen says, cocoon ourselves away and hope that we'll emerge as beautiful social butterflies, the truth is that experience is the only way we can get there. So keep moving forward. You just have to take the first step.

This article originally appeared on 07.05.18

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It's not easy making friends as an adult. Here's how you can get better at it.

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A lot of things about being an adult are hard, but one of the hardest is making new friends.

It's not like back in school where you were practically forced into social situations every day. It was much easier to make a friend just by hanging out at recess or eating at the same lunch table complaining over last night's homework.

Photo via iStock.

Once you're out in the world, most of your time interacting with other people is limited to work. And if you work from home, those interactions are curtailed down to video conferences.

What's worse is that, thanks to the internet, we've gotten lax about forming relationships in real life because it seems like we already have a bunch of friends online. Those "friendships," however, can easily devolve into nothing more than peripheral acquaintances you only interact with by liking or commenting on their posts.

This isolated existence — where very few relationships are cultivated offline — seems to plague millennials most of all.  It's why they're often called "the loneliest generation," which is way more dangerous than it sounds. Studies have shown that loneliness has a mortality rate that's on par with smoking. It causes depression and anxiety to spike, taxing the body as much as the brain.

It's even worse if you're an extrovert, because extroverts feed off the energy of other people. When you don't get that regularly, you're left depleted.

Photo via iStock.

What can you do if you're feeling lonely but don't have a clue how to make new friends? Ask therapist and YouTuber Kati Morton.

Kati is a licensed therapist who's been creating mental health videos for YouTube with the help of her video producer husband since 2011.

She became interested in psychology because she's always been fascinated by human relationships and communication. In fact, that's why she started going to therapy herself as a teenager — to learn how to better communicate with her family. And her respect for sharing feelings only grew as she studied psychology in school.

"You realize people do have the power to change and control how they respond versus react to things," says Morton. "I think that’s really empowering."  

It's no surprise that several of her videos focus on how to connect with others and open up.

Image via Kati Morton/YouTube.

Morton says she's seeing more and more patients struggling with in-person connections because they don't know how to initiate them. She recalls one guy commenting, "I try to engage with people, but when I go out, I find it difficult because everyone’s on their phone."

Sound familiar? Smartphones enable us to put up walls without even realizing it — which, in turn, cuts us off from forming new, meaningful relationships, platonic or otherwise.

Morton's advice for how to break through all these barriers might sound counterintuitive, but it really does work: You have to turn your attention to yourself first.

"You need to figure out what’s important to you and who you are first, and what kinds of people you want in your life, before you go out looking for friends," explains Morton.

Say that, for work, you have to move to a new city where you know absolutely no one. You might feel compelled to go out and make friends with the first people you meet. However, if they're not people you truly resonate with, you could end up feeling even more lonely than before.

Once you feel like you have a clear idea of what's important to you, get out there and find a group that speaks to your interests.

Photo via iStock.

Morton suggests checking out the MeetUp app, which connects people via a number of different group activities. It's available in most cities and lists new events every day.

If you don't happen to live near a city that offers it, check and see if there are community activity boards (online or in-person) for your area and sign up for something that sounds fun. If you like to run and have a dog, you might sign up for a dog-walking group and meet someone in your neighborhood who loves to binge-watch the same TV shows you do. Boom — friendship!

Taking this first step might feel particularly daunting if you have social anxiety, but remember, there are other people joining these groups who are just as nervous. It's certainly not as easy as joining an online forum, but it can lead to friendships and experiences that are infinitely more rewarding.

"Make a commitment and go," urges Morton. "It’s hard, and I find that’s where people tend to drop off, but with a little effort, we can make change."

And that change can add up to a whole host of emotional and physical benefits. Several studies have shown that maintaining close friendships helps us be smarter, healthier, and less stressed, especially later in life.

For people who really struggle with socializing, Morton suggests therapy — but only as a temporary stepping stone.

Image via Kati Morton/YouTube.

Therapy is not a crutch to lean on when things get hard; it's about acquiring tools so you can learn better ways of coping and reacting to things. It's one of the reasons Morton has a 24/7 chat on her website where members of her online community can reach out and help each other instead of relying only on professional help.

And the tool really works: Members have formed meaningful friendships online and have even flown across the world for various get-togethers. While some go on elaborate vacations, others who've relocated to a different city might just meet up to solidify a new friend base.

Whatever their goal, they're stepping outside of their comfort zones and learning to savor moments with people in real life. It might take some effort — but life's most rewarding endeavors always do.

For a more comprehensive look at making friends as an adult, check out Morton's video:

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