Elderly military veteran comes out as gay in his obituary revealing a 25 year relationship
“Now that my secret is known, I'll forever Rest in Peace."

Elderly military veteran comes out as gay in his obituary
While in many ways being part of the LGBTQ community is more acceptable than it used to be, members of the community are still marginalized and are sometimes treated poorly. Many people still experience negative consequences for coming out as anything other than a heterosexual cisgendered person. Due to these factors, it's not surprising that some people choose to hide their identity until they feel safe to reveal it.
Recently an elderly Army veteran's obituary highlighted the difficulty of living with the fear of not being accepted. Col. Edward Thomas Ryan recently passed away in Albany, New York after having lived with a secret his entire life. The obituary for Col. Ryan starts off like any other obituary, reviewing who he is leaving behind, who passed before him and his life's accomplishments.
The veteran was twice retired, once from the Army as a Colonel and again as a firefighter. He had many accomplishments that would make just about any family proud to be related to him, but Ryan requested his family tuck in a note from him to share with the world.
He was gay. Not only was he gay but he was in a relationship for 25 years. All of this was kept a secret as he did not want to be outcast by the people he loved the most so he held who he truly was close to his heart until after his death. Col. Ryan's family printed his confession in his obituary which appears to be his last wish.
The personal note reads, "I must tell you one more thing. I was Gay all my life: thru grade school, thru High School, thru College, thru Life. I was in a loving and caring relationship with Paul Cavagnaro of North Greenbush. He was the love of my life. We had 25 great years together. Paul died in 1994 from a medical Procedure gone wrong. I'll be buried next to Paul. I'm sorry for not having the courage to come out as Gay. I was afraid of being ostracized: by Family, Friends, and Co-Workers. Seeing how people like me were treated, I just could not do it. Now that my secret is known, I'll forever Rest in Peace."
Though Col. Ryan was able witness the public perception shifting about LGBTQ people, he likely still lived with the scars of past treatment of queer people.
In 1973, homosexuality was pathologized by the American Psychiatric Association (APA) as a mental illness or sickness. It wasn't until 1997 that the adopted a resolution discouraging coercive measures a resolution discouraging coercive measures to change someone's sexual orientation. Progress has been slow going. The APA just recognized that being transgender wasn't a mental health disorder in 2013, and America didn't recognize same sex marriage until 2015.
Col. Ryan's fears were not unfounded. Jim Kisthardt, only came out just a few years ago at the age of 73 after his wife of 51 years died. He tells ABC7, "Times were very different. Being gay would be a curse. Being gay was one of the worst things you could bring to your family, worse than divorce."
Kisthardt explains to the station that coming out when his parents were alive wasn't an option because he thought it would've killed them, revealing that in the 50s and 60s gay people were ostracized and had to move away. While progress for LGBTQ rights may be moving slowly, they're still moving and though Col. Ryan didn't get to live fully as himself, at least he is now resting in peace. It's fitting that he was able to have his final wish granted during pride month.
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There's a reason why some people can perfectly copy accents, and others can't
Turns out, there's a neurodivergent link.
A woman in black long sleeve shirt stands in front of mirror.
Have you ever had that friend who goes on vacation for four days to London and comes back with a full-on Queen's English posh accent? "Oooh I left my brolly in the loo," they say, and you respond, "But you're from Colorado!" Well, there are reasons they (and many of us) do that, and usually it's on a pretty subconscious level.
It's called "accent mirroring," and it's actually quite common with people who are neurodivergent, particularly those with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). According Neurolaunch, the self-described "Free Mental Health Library," "Accent mirroring, also known as accent adaptation or phonetic convergence, is the tendency to unconsciously adopt the accent or speech patterns of those around us. This linguistic chameleon effect is not unique to individuals with ADHD, but it appears to be more pronounced and frequent in this population."
Essentially, when people have conversations, we're constantly "scanning" for information—not just the words we're absorbing, but the inflection and tone. "When we hear an accent, our brains automatically analyze and categorize the phonetic features, prosody, and intonation patterns," writes Neurolaunch. For most, this does result in copying the accent of the person with whom we're speaking. But those with ADHD might be more sensitive to auditory cues. This, "coupled with a reduced ability to filter out or inhibit the impulse to mimic…could potentially explain the increased tendency for accent mirroring."
While the article explains further research is needed, they distinctly state that, "Accent mirroring in individuals with ADHD often manifests as an unconscious mimicry of accents in social situations. This can range from subtle shifts in pronunciation to more noticeable changes in intonation and speech rhythm. For example, a person with ADHD might find themselves unconsciously adopting a Southern drawl when conversing with someone from Texas, even if they’ve never lived in the South themselves."
People are having their say online. On the subreddit r/ADHDWomen, a thread began: "Taking on accents is an ADHD thing?" The OP shares, "My whole life, I've picked up accents. I, myself, never noticed, but everyone around me would be like, 'Why are you talking like that??' It could be after I watched a show or movie with an accent or after I've traveled somewhere with a different accent than my 'normal.'
They continue, "Apparently, I pick it up fast, but it fades out slowly. Today... I'm scrolling Instagram, I watch a reel from a comedian couple (Darcy and Jeremy. IYKYK) about how Darcy (ADHD) picks up accents everywhere they go. It's called ADHD Mirroring??? And it's another way of masking."
(The OP is referring to Darcy Michaels and his husband Jeremy Baer, who are both touring comedians based in Canada.)
Hundreds of people on the Reddit thread alone seem to relate. One comments, "Omfg I've done this my whole life; I'll even pick up on the pauses/spaces when I'm talking to someone who is ESL—but English is my first language lol."
Sometimes, it can be a real issue for those around the chameleon. "I accidentally mimicked a waitress's weird laugh one time. As soon as she was out of earshot, my family started to reprimand me, but I was already like 'oh my god I don’t know why I did that, I feel so bad.'"
Many commenters on TikTok were shocked to find out this can be a sign of ADHD. One jokes, "Omg, yes, at a store the cashier was talking to me and she was French. She's like 'Oh are you French too? No, I'm not lol. I'm very east coast Canada."
And some people just embrace it and make it work for them. "I mirror their words or phrase! I’m 30. I realized I start calling everyone sweetie cause my manager does & I work at coffee shop."
This article originally appeared in May.