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Expert's ‘Let them' theory inspires people to post on social media without fearing judgment

"Your social media is for your self-expression."

via TEDxSF and Canva/Photos

Mel Robbins and a woman looking at her smartphone.

Most people have a few hundred or more followers on social media, and it can be paralyzing to post something because even if you express a rather bland opinion, it’s bound to bother someone. It's also nerve-racking to post a photo of yourself or your family because you may be judged on your appearance.

You have a joke? Someone might find it unfunny. Went on vacation? A friend may subtly brag that they went somewhere nicer. Went out for a nice dinner? Your dietary choices may face scrutiny. Lost a few pounds and want to show off how good you look? You know who may get jealous.

How to post on social media without fear

The problem is, you’re letting others subtly control how you express yourself on social media. Mel Robbins, a podcast host, author, motivational speaker, and former lawyer, offers empowering advice for those holding you back: Let them.

@melrobbins

This is your sign to stop giving away your control to other people’s opinions… If you find that you take things personally, worry what other people think about you, are scared of being judged, or find that you can’t stop overthinking, you need to hear this episode of The Mel Robbins Podcast 🎧 “How to Stop Caring What People Think of You.” #melrobbins #melrobbinspodcast #letthem #peoplepleasing

“I want to remind you of something," Robbins says in a TikTok video. "Your social media is for your self-expression. It's for your business. It's for your artistry. It's not for your sorority sisters from college. It's not for your family. It's not for the women in your mother’s group. It's for you."

She adds that people’s reactions to your post are something that you have no control over. Instead, Robbins believes that you should take your life back by letting go of the need to control how others react to you.

Robbins' theory is so popular that she wrote an entire book about it, entitled The Let Them Theory.

“Let them think a negative thought about what you're gonna post," Robbins adds. "Let them unfollow you. Let them roll their eyes. Let them gossip. You can't control any of it anyway. The only thing you can control is you can control what you think of yourself...Let them think something negative. Let them do something negative, like unfollow you or write some comment or whatever...Let them know that the power is not in someone else. The power is in you.”

grandma, grand daughter, social media, photos, smartphone, park bench A granddaughter shares her social media post with grandmother.via Canva/Photos

Robbins is also clear that she’s talking about people looking to make posts about their business, a creative endeavor, or something about themselves that shows that they aren’t perfect. A lot of Robbins' work is about how to deal with difficult and toxic people, so she’s clearly not pushing people to feel free to make provocative posts that antagonize people, but to have the confidence to express themselves without worrying about pleasing everyone.

What is the locus of control?

Robbins' advice has its roots in psychology, in a concept known as the locus of control. It’s the extent to which people feel that the outcomes in their life are based on what they do (internal control orientation) or on events outside their personal control (external control orientation). When we say “Let them” to any host of reactions we get from people, we switch the locus of control to an internal setting, where we believe that by being unattached to opinions, we can better control the outcomes in our lives.

Next time you’re feeling a little trepidation before hitting “post,” don’t forget Robbins’ mantra: Let them. Their opinions don’t define you, but your willingness to share authentically does. Your social media feeds are your page to express your voice, not a monument to others’ expectations.

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Linguists explain why some slang words come and go quickly while others have staying power

"On fleek" was a flash in the pan, but "cool" has stuck around for nearly a century.

WIRED/YouTube

Linguists Nicole Holliday and Ben Zimmer explain the history of slang terms on WIRED.

If you're a parent of a Gen Alpha or Gen Z kid, or spend any significant amount of time with young people, you've likely found yourself befuddled by some of the slang terms coming out of their mouths—skibidi, sigma, 6-7, drip, rizz. And if you aren't around many young people, now is not really an ideal time to try to learn their slang because it changes so quickly.

Why do some slang terms stick around while others don't? Linguists Nicole Holliday and Ben Zimmer shared some of the history of slang with WIRED and explained what gives certain words staying power while others fizzle out quickly. For instance, several years ago, "on fleek" (meaning something attractive or perfectly executed) took off but didn't really stay in the popular vernacular for long. "Cool," on the other hand, has been around so long people don't even think of it as a slang term, even though it is one.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

Holiday and Zimmer start off by sharing some delightful insults people used on the streets of London in 1699, which included words like booberkin, clodpate, dulpickle, nigmenog, and jobbernoll. We don't hear any of those words today, but they were listed in one of the first English slang dictionaries published that year, giving us a glimpse of what English rapscallions at the turn of the 18th century were calling one another.

Ironically, though, the publishing of that slang dictionary may very well have been what spelled those words' demise.

"From the earliest recorded slang in English, one thing we see is that these words can have a really short shelf life, just from too many people knowing about it," says Zimmer.

fetch, slang, mean girls, slang words, linguistics, communication Remember when Gretchen Wieners tried to make "fetch" a new slang word? Giphy

That's because slang is usually coined and spreads as an "in-group" signifier. Young people in particular start using a word or phrase that older people don't, and it serves as a way of saying, "We're a new generation of our own, not just a reflection of our parents." But if older people start using those words or phrases, they no longer serve that purpose and lose their appeal. In the age of the Internet, that means slang comes and goes very quickly because we're all privy to it.

"The whole process of slang becoming popular and then immediately passe gets accelerated when you can spread new language around really quickly," Holiday explains. "So if you're on social media, you might see a lot of slangy flashes in the pan."

A good example of this is "YOLO." The term, which stands for You Only Live Once, came from a Drake song and was a huge slang term in 2011-2012. Young people were using it, saying it, hashtagging it, etc., but it didn't last.

yolo, slang, linguistics, language, words YOLO came and went quickly, thanks to older people picking it up. Giphy

"I wrote something about YOLO in the summer of 2012," says Zimmer, and I remember it was already getting played out, and it was just months after the song came out. But then I really knew that it was over for YOLO when I heard that Katie Couric on her new talk show was doing a segment called 'What's your YOLO?' where you were supposed to come on and talk about things you wanna do before you die…That was really the death knell for it."

Other words have quickly gone from cool to cringe in a relatively short period of time as well, such as "cheugy." If you're over a certain age, you may have missed the cheugy train altogether because it really went by that fast. It was a word Gen Zers used to describe Millennials who were "off trend," but as soon as Millennials themselves used it (and had a New York Times piece written about it) "cheugy" itself became cheugy, and the word quickly lost its slang status among the generation that popularized it.

cheugy, slang, communication, language, linguistics, SNL "Cheugy" became cheugy once adults got a hold of it. Giphy

"On fleek" is another flash in the pan slang term that got ruined by overexposure. Coined by a 17-year-old girl from Chicago who described her eyebrows as "on fleek" in a viral Vine video, it was all the rage for hot minute, but when brands started using it—IHOP even posted a tweet saying "Pancakes on fleek"—it got sent to the vault where slang words go to die.

But what about the slang that doesn't die? "Booze" is a perfect example, as it's been used since the early 16th century as a slang word for alcohol and is still going strong. So is "cool." Starting around 1930, the word became a slang term for anything good, and with the exception of a dip in popularity during the 1960s (when good became "groovy" for a bit there), it has managed to maintain its status as slang that crosses generations. Linguist Donna Jo Napoli believes cool has held on due to its "underspecified" nature, meaning it can be adapted to lots of different contexts.

cool, slang, language, linguistics, communication "Cool" has had staying power through multiple generations. Giphy

But really, what makes a slang word stick and when it's socially acceptable for different people to use it depends on a lot of different social factors, says Zimmer. It may be impossible to predict which slang words will stick, which will fly by quickly, which will eventually make a comeback, and which will die a permanent death, but I think there's one thing we can all agree on: "Booberkin" most definitely deserves a revival.

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Tech expert shares the one message that actually convinces teens to reconsider their screentime

"How you spend this time will determine the quality of your life."

via Dino Ambrosi (used with permission)

Dino Ambrosi speaks at a school assembly.

In a 2023 TEDx Talk at Laguna Blanca School, Dino Ambrosi made a startling revelation that perfectly underlines the big question of the smartphone era: What is my time worth? Ambrosi is the founder of Project Reboot and an expert at guiding teens and young adults to develop more empowering relationships with technology.

Assuming the average person now lives to 90, after calculating the average time they spend sleeping, going to school, working, cooking, eating, doing chores, sleeping, and taking care of personal hygiene, today’s 18-year-olds have only 334 months of their adult lives to themselves.

"How you spend this time will determine the quality of your life,” Ambrosi says. However, given the tech habits of today’s young people, most of those months will be spent staring at screens, leaving them with just 32 months to leave their mark on the world. "Today, the average 18-year-old in the United States is on pace to spend 93% of their remaining free time looking at a screen,” Ambrosi says.


dino ambrosi, teens and technology, smartphone addiction An 18-year-olds remaining time, in months.via TEDx

The idea that an entire generation will spend most of their free time in front of screens is chilling. However, the message has a silver lining. Sharing this information with young people can immediately impact how they spend their time.

How to get teens to reduce their screentime

Ambrosi says his work with Project Reboot through on-campus initiatives, school assemblies, and parent workshops has taught him that teens are more concerned about time wasted on their phones than the damage it may do to their mental health. Knowing the topic that resonates can open the door for an effective dialogue about a topic that’s hard for many young people to discuss. When teens realize they are giving their entire lives away for free, they are more apt to reconsider their relationship with smartphones.

“I actually don't get through to a lot of teens, as well as when I help them realize the value of their time and then highlight the fact that that time is being stolen from them,” Ambrosi told Upworthy.

A Common Sense Media study shows that the average 13 to 18-year-old, as of 2021, spent an average of 8 hours and 39 minutes a day on entertainment screentime.

“It’s important to get them to view time as their most valuable resource that they can use to invest in themselves or enjoy life and tick the boxes on their bucket list. I really want them to see that that's something they should take control of and prioritize because we're all under the impression that social media is free, but it's actually not free. We just pay for it with our time.”

dino ambrosi, project reboot, teens smartphones, screentime, tech companies, quality of life Dino Ambrosi speaks at a school assembly.via Dino Ambrosi (used with permission)


Ambrosi believes that young people are less likely to hand their time to tech companies for free when they understand its value. “I find that kids really respond to that message because nobody wants to feel manipulated, right? And giving them that sense of being wronged, which I think they have been, by tech companies that are off operating on business models that are not aligned with their well-being, is important.”

His approach to getting teens to rethink their smartphone use is similar to that of the Truth Initiative in that it educates young people about the nefarious tactics big tobacco companies used to lure and addict young people. In a way, big tech companies are doing the same thing by luring young people to their products by connecting them to their friends and influencers while providing a product that rearranges their brain chemistry.

He also believes parents should be sympathetic and nonjudgmental when talking to young people about screentime because it’s a struggle that just about everyone faces and feels shame about. A little understanding will prevent them from shutting down the conversation altogether.

- YouTube www.youtube.com

How to reduce my screentime

Ambrosi has some suggestions to help people reduce their screentime.

The ClearSpace app

ClearSpace forces you to take a breathing delay before using a distracting app. It also asks you to set a time limit and allows you to set a number of visits to the site per day. If you eclipse the number of visits, it sends a text to a friend saying you exceeded your budget. This can help people be accountable for one another’s screentime goals.

Don’t sleep with your phone

Ambrosi says to charge your phone far away from your bedside stand when you sleep and use an alarm clock to wake up. If you do have an alarm clock on your phone, set up an automation so that as soon as you turn off the alarm, it opens up an app like Flora or Forest and starts an hour-long timer that incentivizes you to be off your phone for the first hour of the day.

“In my experience, if you can stay off screens for the last hour and the first hour of the day, the other 22 hours get a lot easier because you get the quality rest and sleep that you need to wake up fully charged, and now you're more capable of being intentional because you are at your best," Ambrosi told Upworty.

teens, smartphones, screentime, smartphones in bed, young man, mental health A teen boy looks at his phone in bed.via Canva/photos

Keep apps in one place

Ambrosi says to keep all of your social apps and logins on one device. “I try to designate a specific use for each device as much as possible,” he told Upworthy. “I try to keep all my social media time and all my entertainment on my phone as opposed to my computer because I want my computer to be a tool for work.”

Even though there are significant challenges ahead for young people as they try to navigate a screen-based world while keeping them at a healthy distance, Ambrosi is optimistic about the future.

“I'm really optimistic because I have seen in the last year, in particular, that the receptiveness of student audiences has increased by almost an order of magnitude. Kids are waking up to the fact that this is the problem. They want to have this conversation,” he told Upworthy. “Some clubs are starting to address this problem at several schools right now; from the talks I've given this semester alone, kids want to be involved in this conversation. They're creating phone-free spaces on college and high school campuses by their own accord. I just think we have a huge potential to leverage this moment to move things in the right direction.”

For more information on Ambrosi’s programs, visit ProjectReboot.School.

This article originally appeared last year.

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'God, what if I was 15?': Julia Roberts responds to being shamed in photo with niece Emma Roberts

It opened her eyes to the toxicity of social media.

via U.S. Department of State/Wikimedia Commons and Dominick D/Wikimedia Commons

Julia Roberts and Emma Roberts

Actress Julia Roberts was late to the game when it came to joining social media, so she was blown away when she finally saw first-hand how toxic it could be. She started an Instagram account in June of 2018 and, shortly after, was the target of trolls mocking her appearance in a post by her niece.

Roberts was upset about the negative comments people made about her looks and then was gutted when she considered social media's effect on young women. In a 2018 interview with Oprah Winfrey for Harper’s Bazaar, Julia recounted the story:

“Although something did happen recently on my niece Emma’s Instagram that I think taught me a lot about what it’s like being a young person in today’s society. One weekend morning Emma slept over, and we got up and were having tea and playing cards and having this beautiful morning, and then a couple of days later, she posted a picture of us,” Roberts recalled.

“And the number of people who felt absolutely required to talk about how terrible I looked in the picture—that I’m not aging well, that I look like a man, why would she even post a picture like this when I look that terrible!” she continued. “And I was amazed at how that made me feel. I’m a 50-year-old woman and I know who I am, and still my feelings got hurt. I was sad that people couldn’t see the point of it, the sweetness of it, the absolute shining joy of that photo. I thought, ‘What if I was 15?’”


body shaming, instagram, social media, body, dysmorphia A young woman looks uncomfortable in the mirror. Image via Canva.

Beauty influencer Samantha Marika combined the audio of Julia telling the story, added it to the candid photo of her and Emma, and posted it to Instagram, and it went viral. The post has since been deleted, but in February 2024, actress and author Ali Wentworth posted a similar video of the photo of Roberts with her niece along with other photos from throughout the actress' life. Her words to Oprah play over the video and Wentworth applauds Roberts for being "spot on about the corrosive nature of social media and its effect on younger generations" in the caption.

In short, Julia’s concerns about teenage mental health aren’t unfounded.

A 2022 report by Pew Research shows that online bullying is pervasive among teenagers and looks are a common target. “Nearly half of U.S. teens have been bullied or harassed online, with physical appearance being seen as a relatively common reason why,” the report said. “Older teen girls are especially likely to report being targeted by online abuse overall and because of their appearance.” The Cyberbullying Research Center confirms these findings, noting in 2023 that "adolescent girls are morel likely to have experienced cyberbullying in their lifetimes (59.2% vs. 49.5% for adolescent boys).

bullies, cyberbullying, teen girls, adolescent girls, social media Girls experience cyberbullying more than their peers. Image via Canva.

Even though online bullying is common, those who watched Wentworth's video were disturbed by what happened to Roberts and her niece.

“I thought they were going to say how much like twins they look like & just a sweet beautiful moment they let us in on, when they didn't have to,” one viewer wrote.

"The anonymous aspect of social media adds to the cruelty. This picture is lovely and your statement is so true," said another.

Even though Roberts was disturbed by the comments she saw on Instagram, she’s glad that it helped her grasp what’s happening to young people online.

“I was so happy that happened because I had this whole new glimpse into a way of living that I didn’t get at all,” she told Winfrey. “You have to go through things to understand them, and this was just a little paper cut of what can really go on with social media.”

This article originally appeared last year. It has been updated.

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