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coming out

Identity

My wife surprised her coworkers when she came out as trans. Then they surprised her.

She was ready for one reaction but was greeted with a beautiful response.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

Zoe comes out to her coworkers.


Society, pay attention. This is important.

My wife, Zoe, is transgender. She came out to us — the kids and me — last summer and then slowly spread her beautiful feminine wings with extended family, friends, and neighbors.

A little coming out here, a little coming out there — you know how it is.

It's been a slow, often challenging process of telling people something so personal and scary, but pretty much everyone has been amazing.

However, she dreaded coming out at the office.

She works at a large technology company, managing a team of software developers in a predominantly male office environment. She's known many of her co-workers and employees for 15 or so years. They have called her "he" and "him" and "Mr." for a very long time. How would they handle the change?

While we have laws in place in Ontario, Canada, to protect the rights of transgender employees, it does not shield them from awkwardness, quiet judgment, or loss of workplace friendships. Your workplace may not become outright hostile, but it can sometimes become a difficult place to go to every day because people only tolerate you rather than fully accept you.

But this transition needed to happen, and so Zoe carefully crafted a coming out email and sent it to everyone she works with.

The support was immediately apparent; she received about 75 incredibly kind responses from coworkers, both local and international.

She then took one week off, followed by a week where she worked solely from home. It was only last Monday when she finally went back to the office.

First day back at work! I asked if I could take a "first day of school" type picture with her lunchbox. She said no. Spoilsport.

Despite knowing how nice her colleagues are and having read so many positive responses to her email, she was understandably still nervous.

Hell, I was nervous. I made her promise to text me 80 billion times with updates and was more than prepared to go down there with my advocacy pants on if I needed to (I might be a tad overprotective).

And that's when her office pals decided to show the rest of us how to do it right.

She got in and found that a couple of them had decorated her cubicle to surprise her:

LGBTQ, coming out, work

Her cubicle decorated with butterflies.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

Butterflies! Streamers! Rainbows! OMG!

And made sure her new name was prominently displayed in a few locations:

empathy, employment, understanding

Zoe written on the board.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

They got her a beautiful lily with a "Welcome, Zoe!" card:

coworkers, mental health, community

Welcome lily and card

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

And this tearjerker quote was waiting for her on her desk:

Oscar Wilde, job, employment

A quote from Oscar Wilde.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

To top it all off, a 10 a.m. "meeting" she was scheduled to attend was actually a coming out party to welcome her back to work as her true self — complete with coffee and cupcakes and handshakes and hugs.

acceptance, friendship, relationships

Coming out party with cupcakes.

All photos by Amanda Jette, used with permission.

(I stole one, and it was delicious.)

NO, I'M NOT CRYING. YOU'RE CRYING.

I did go to my wife's office that day. But instead of having my advocacy pants on, I had my hugging arms ready and some mascara in my purse in case I cried it off while thanking everyone.

I wish we lived in a world where it was no big deal to come out.

Sadly, that is not the case for many LGBTQ people. We live in a world of bathroom bills and "religious freedom" laws that directly target the members of our community. We live in a world where my family gets threats for daring to speak out for trans rights. We live in a world where we can't travel to certain locations for fear of discrimination — or worse.

So when I see good stuff happening — especially when it takes place right on our doorstep — I'm going to share it far and wide. Let's normalize this stuff. Let's make celebrating diversity our everyday thing rather than hating or fearing it.

Chill out, haters. Take a load off with us.

It's a lot of energy to judge people, you know. It's way more fun to celebrate and support them for who they are.

Besides, we have cupcakes.


This article originally appeared on 04.08.16.

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lgbtq
Identity

Magic Johnson's 2017 appearance on 'The Ellen Show' is still a masterclass in parenting

His advice was spot-on.

Image pulled from YouTube video.

Magic shines on "The Ellen Show."

NBA legend and entrepreneur Magic Johnson has so much love for his son E.J., who came out in 2013.

In a 2017 appearance on "The Ellen Show", Johnson talked about the moment E.J. (a rising star in his own right) came out to to him and his wife, Cookie. They had what can only be described as the ideal reaction: They supported their son from the get-go.

"When my son came out, I was so happy for him and happy for us as parents," Johnson said. "And we love him. And E.J. is amazing."

Ellen asked what advice Johnson would give other parents who find themselves in the same situation. His advice was spot-on.

"I think it's all about you not trying to decide what your daughter or son should be, or what you want them to become," he answered. "It's all about loving them no matter who they are [or] what they decide to do."

Family acceptance and support is important to all kids, but it's vital for the health and well-being of LGBTQ youth.

"You gotta support your child," Johnson wants parents to know. "It's so many people who try to discriminate against them, so they need you to support them. 'Cause if you don't support 'em, who's gonna support 'em and love 'em?"

family, gender rights, community, social norms

Magic talks about his son E.J. on "The Ellen Show."

Image pulled from YouTube video.


There's enough bigotry and discrimination in the world. No child deserves to hear it at home.

The data doesn't lie: "LGBT young people whose parents and caregivers reject them or try to change them are at high risk for depression, substance abuse, suicide and HIV infection," said Caitlin Ryan, faculty member at San Francisco State University and director of the Family Acceptance Project. "LGBT young people whose parents support them and stand up for them show much higher levels of self-esteem and greater well-being, with lower rates of health and mental health problems."

If you're a parent or family member supporting someone who just came out, you don't have to go it alone.

Check out PFLAG for more information, including local meet-ups for parents and resources to build and foster safe communities. Groups like Parents for Transgender Equality, the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network (GLSEN), and Believe Out Loud are also great places to start.

Need more inspiration? See more of Magic Johnson's appearance on "Ellen."

This article originally appeared on 04.19.17


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parenting
Identity

Simple ways to support your trans friends when they come out.

If someone trusts you with news that they're trans, there are a few key do's and don'ts you should follow.

Photo by Alexander Grey on Unsplash

Some tools to help us stand beside people we love and support.

For many gay, lesbian, bisexual, or transgender people, one of the most personal (and sometimes scary) experiences they'll go through is the "coming out" process.

Coming out means telling others of your status as an LGBTQ person. As society is becoming more accepting of people's sexual orientation and gender identity, coming out is getting easier all the time. Even so, for many, it's still a carefully calculated process that involves planning who, how, and when to tell people in their lives.

In 2016, writer and director Lilly Wachowski — known as co-creator of "The Matrix" series of films, "Jupiter Ascending," and "Sense8" — came out publicly as transgender.

It's so great that Lilly came to that realization about herself and started living more authentically. In 2012, her sister Lana also came out as trans. What's not cool about this is the fact that Lilly was forced to out herself, in a letter she chose to share with The Windy City Times, after a reporter from The Daily Mail threatened to do it without her permission.

Lilly Wachowski, transgender, The Matrix, LGBTQ

Lilly Wachowski came out as transgender in 2016.

t.co

If someone trusts you with news that they're trans, there are a few key do's and don'ts you should follow — and telling a journalist definitely falls under "don't."

As a transgender person, one of the most common questions I get from strangers is: "My friend or family member recently told me that they're transgender. How can I support them?"

Below are five tips I give people who are thoughtful enough to ask.

1. Let them know they have your support.

If you're asking this question (or taking the time to look up an article on the subject), you're already on the right path. It's important to make sure your friend knows you're in their corner, as they're probably afraid of how others in their lives will react. A simple "If you need anything, I'm here for you" can go a long way.

2. Respect their identity, name, and pronouns.

Ask questions like "What are your pronouns?" and "How would you like me to refer to you in private and when we're around people who may not know you're transitioning?"

If somebody is just starting to come out to others, odds are that there are still some people who don't know and might still use old names and pronouns. Asking how you should react in those situations will help you avoid outing your friend to others who don't yet know.

3. Educate yourself — don't rely on your friend to educate you.

There are so many great resources on how to understand trans issues. While your friend may be happy to answer those initial personal questions about things like names and pronouns, they might become overwhelmed if you start treating them as a walking encyclopedia of all things trans.

I recommend PFLAG's amazing resource "Our Trans Loved Ones: Questions and Answers for Parents, Families, and Friends of People who are Transgender and Gender Expansive." The 102-page guide is a comprehensive piece of "Trans 101" literature that's bound to answer some of your questions (complete with some more thorough do's and don'ts).

4. Don't gossip about them or "out" them to others.

The only people you should be discussing your friend's gender with are people they've given you explicit permission to do so with. Going behind their back and outing them to someone they may not yet be ready to tell is not only a huge betrayal of their trust, but it could even put them in physical danger.

On top of that, when someone is hearing this news from a secondhand source (that is, you), some of the important details may get lost in translation, which get further garbled if this person tells someone else — it eventually turns into a game of telephone, and no one wants that.

A vigil for slain transgender woman Islan Nettles at Jackie Robinson Park in Harlem in 2013. Nettles was severely beaten after being approached on the street by a group of men and later died of her injuries.

5. Understand that this is not about you and your feelings.

It's OK to feel confused, and it's OK to not immediately "get it." Those feelings are completely valid, but demanding to know why your friend didn't tell you sooner (they were probably wrestling with this themselves for quite some time) or saying you feel betrayed will only hurt them during an extremely vulnerable time in their life.

Nothing you did "made" your friend trans, and it's probably less that they were hiding something from you and more that they were hiding this reality from themselves.

Whether someone is a Hollywood director or a friend from high school, we should all have the right to come out at our own pace and in our own way.

Maybe years from now the aspect that makes this seem like such juicy gossip will fade and trans people won't have to worry about being forcibly outed. Maybe years from now trans people won't need to fear that coming out will be met with job loss, homelessness, or physical harm. Until then, it's important that those of us who care for our trans friends and family members do what we can do show we're there for them.

This article originally appeared on 03.09.16. It has been lightly edited.

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Identity

What's the best response to 'Dad, I think I'm gay'? Here are 20 of the funniest and most heartfelt.

There are some perfectly deplyed dad jokes in here.

via Anna Svets/Pexels and Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels

A young woman comes out to her father.

In a previous Upworthy article, we shared how dad jokes aren’t just a way for fathers to embarrass their children. But a way to build them up and teach resilience is by showing that it’s ok to embarrass yourself.

When a dad tells a joke that gets more of a groan than a laugh, it demonstrates his ability to handle an uncomfortable situation. According to researchers, dad jokes appear in many cultures and are a way for fathers to teach their kids that it’s okay to put themselves out there without worrying about what other people think.

A recent viral thread on Reddit shows how some fathers have used dad jokes to show how they accept their child’s sexuality in a way that made a tense situation comfortable for everyone.

A Redditor with the username Expert_Recover3061 asked the online forum, “What’s the best response to ‘Dad, I think I'm gay’?” the question received nearly 24,000 responses. Many of the stories were first-hand accounts of people who were afraid to broach such a sensitive topic with their father and were surprised he responded with love and a side of humor.

The responses are a great way to show people the best way to support their LGBTQ children. Here are 20 of the best replies to the question: “Dad, I think I'm gay.”

1.

"Your mother owes me £10." — PotterWhoLock01

2.

"You still have to wear a condom." — Ginchy1971

3.

"It's okay, your mother likes guys too, maybe I am the weird one." — Drendari·

4.

"'I thought you were about to give me bad news! Don’t scare me like that!' My granny when my uncle came out in the ‘70s. She was decades ahead of her time." — LongjumpingCake1924

5.

"One of my friends from high school was gay, and when he came out to his family his dad literally didn’t look up from his newspaper and told him his sister didn’t need to tell him she was straight so why would he need to explain that he was gay? He’s known him his whole life and already knew that. It was cute because he was so worried." — 0Diamond0

​6.

"You still have to take out the garbage." — Most_Original_329

7.

"When I came out to my dad when I was 16, I thought he would disown me. He said: 'Son If anyone ever hurts you for that, I’ll f**king kill them.' In that moment, I realized that I had the best dad in the world." — Winterpegs

8.

"This story does not involve a dad, but it involves a very religious grandma. One of my friends was very nervous about telling his grandma that he was gay, and put it off for a long time. But when he turned 18, he decided that he had to get this done. When he told her she just looked at him calmly and answered, 'Of course you are. I have known that since you were 10.' At the age of 10, he didn't even know it himself yet." — Ashtar-the-Squid

9.

"I was getting ready to go to a sleepover with a girl I was totally crushing on and my mom was like 'You look like you’re getting ready for a date!' And I paused and was like 'Would it be okay if I was….Going on a date with a girl?' My mom just said, 'Of course, just remember to practice safe sex. You can get STDs from girls too!'" — Psychological-Run679

10.

"Lesbian here. When I came out to my dad, he said 'That’s okay honey, I don’t like guys either.'” — wafflemaker9093

11.

"My daughter was looking extremely nervous one night while I was cooking dinner. I could see her talking quietly with her mom but she continued to look uneasy. After a bit of time, she came into the kitchen and I asked her what was wrong. She didn't want to tell me at first but I could tell she was uneasy so I said she could always tell me anything. She finally said that she was pansexual. I just looked at her and said 'That just means twice as many people that can turn you down for dates now' and she busted out laughing as I went back to cooking to finish dinner. She was apparently really nervous about telling me for some reason and was glad I wasn't upset." — tahquitz84

12.

"When my daughter told me she was gay, I just told her I loved her, and that none of that would change my feelings. Then I began giving her the heads up when hot ladies would walk by." — PLoddingClot

13.

"My stepdad, who I consider my dad, was the man that raised me, and he's a big redneck steel worker. I came out at 18 and he sat me down and said 'Son, I've loved you like you were my own for the past 14 years. Why the hell would I stop now?''" — KeyboardRoller

14.

"Take a note from Olivia Coleman in Heartstopper: 'Thank you for telling me. I'm sorry if I ever made you feel like you couldn't tell me that.' Honestly, that would have been the perfect thing to hear." — Amastarism

15.

"My friend's daughter came out to her parents when they were all over at my house. Her dad looked her dead in the eye, took a deep breath, and in his big, booming voice said 'DUUUH!' We all got a good laugh but he just said, 'Sweetheart, I couldn’t care less who you love. All I care about is that they treat you with love and respect and that you’re happy. And maybe your gf will like working on cars with me.'” — ItsMRslash

16.

"Hi gay, I think I’m dad. Seriously though when my son came out I just said he was my son and it changed nothing between us other than I was happy he was discovering himself and growing up. Any man who would abandon or shun his own son for being gay is no man at all." — Open_Action_1796

17.

"Firstly, I love you. Now, did you steal one of my beers?" — February83

18.

"When I came out my dad had the best response ever: 'Wow! Now maybe I'll get a son-in-law that I really like!' and then he hugged me." — Gracie305

19.

"A customer of mine told his gay and trans kids 'I’d still love ya even if you were straight!'" — RoyStokes

20.

"A guy in a Walmart parking lot was on the phone and screamed, 'I don't care if you're gay, as long as you marry someone rich!' And angrily hung up the phone." — Shecallsmeherangel

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