Paul Provenza: My favorite piece of yours, and it's not poetry, it's comedy.
Jamie Kilstein: No, it's stand-up.
Paul Provenza: Do that one joke. Do that one joke about gay rights. Do you want to stand?
Jamie Kilstein: Ron, do you want me to stand or sit, or...
Ron White: You can sit right where you are so you can't get away if it sucks.
Jamie Kilstein: To every heterosexual, mentally-abusive, closet racist, fast food feeding, let-your-kid-run-around-a-mall-like-a-psychopath parent: Why do you have, like, nine fucking kids yet you say that gay folk can't adopt because it might screw the child up. And I know America thinks that every time a gay couple adopts a child, it forces otherwise straight and homophobic Pastor Ted Haggard to hire a gay male prostitute and engage in a week-long meth-induced fuck spree. I know! He didn't want to do it, you guys, but then a gay couple adopted and it forced him to take an injection of another male prostitute cock. I know. I get it. But I say just because your man bits fit into some girl bits doesn't mean you have to have kids.
Do you know how many straight parents shouldn't have children? Go to a movie theater or an IHOP on a Sunday. And don't tell us that two men or two women in the bedroom may cause a child to question his sexuality. Any kid basing his sex life on the sounds coming from his parents bedroom is already fucked beyond repair! If God designed marriage for a man and a woman, then statistics say that God is failing. That is below failing, just look at otherwise straight and homophobic Pastor Ted Haggard who's married with children but hired a gay male prostitute to shame-fist him into a meth coma. But you say that being gay is immoral? Really? More immoral than shame-fisting? Because I would rather have my kids being raised by the flaming queer couple down the street than have them spend another night at the church with Father Diddlyhands. Is that why you want adoption restricted, Church? You keeping all the young ones for yourself, church? If you really think that a child should only be raised by a married couple, then I have an idea: Let the gays marry, asshole!
These are people who will raise a child for a better reason than "the condom broke." You give me one valid argument besides, "But God made Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve." Really? Because by the looks of it, Adam and Eve fucked up big time and maybe Adam should have explored other options! So stop fucking telling us that the Bible says that being gay is unnatural because I've read the Bible. And there is a lot of unnatural shit that happens in that book! I would say that a dude dying then rising from the dead in a zombie-esque fashion is far less natural than me sucking a cock because at least cock-sucking you can prove.
Ron White: Wait a minute. I liked that. Try it standing up.There may be small errors in this transcript.