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The 13 signs that someone is 'dangerously good' at reading people

"You feel comfortable talking to them, and you find yourself sharing things with them that you don’t typically share."

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A woman enjoying a conversation while drinking wine.

Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people's words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.

People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?

Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.

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This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.

abusive dad, angy dad, man drinking coffee, man in a robe, man pointingAn angry man in his kitchen.via Canva/Photos

To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What's a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.

Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.

1. You immediately overshare

"You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share."

2. They're hard to read

"They themselves are typically hard to read."

"Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know."

3. They're neutral observers

"Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better."

"My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking."


woman, wine, party, conversation, social event, formal eventA woman having a good conversation.via Canva/Photos


4. They had unpredictable parents

"Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse."

"This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there's a good chance bad things happen to me. It's born out of necessity."

5. They know you before you open your mouth

"They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding."

6. They're accurate

"When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate... like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different."

7. They may sabotage themselves

"People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times."

"OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I've ever seen...and she's terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems."


man and woman, man in suit, serious conversation, talking with hands, blonde manA man and woman in deep conversation. via Canva/Photos

8. They understand receptivity

"Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others."

9. They ask the right questions

"When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.

You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?

Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?

I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?

NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them."


10. They don't show it

"One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic."

11. You don't know them, but they know you

"You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface."

12. They can make friends with anyone

"I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me 'if I want you to be my friend, you will.' I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone."

"That's kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type."

13. You're afraid to lie around them

"You feel like you’re talking to a raven and you’re scared to lie."

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The 3-step Harvard conversation trick that makes shy people more likable

This will ease social anxiety at your next party.

via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a Harvard study revealed a simple 3-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then 2 follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors write. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up 2 times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

via Nicole Michalou/Pexels

“Think to yourself, I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation, or I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions. It’s easy to do, and — even better — requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves. It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers write.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

conversation, introverts, harvardTwo people talking at a party.via Antoni Shkraba/Pexels

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The 3-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

party, conversastion tips, harvardSome folks having fun at a party.via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

How much should I talk in a conversation?

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask 2 follow-ups.


This article originally appeared in September.

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Feel free to turn down invitations, it hurts your friends a lot less than you think

New research is great news for people-pleasers.

via Tima Miroshnichenko/Pexels

New study shows it's ok to say no to an invite if you don't want to go.

There are many reasons why people feel uncomfortable turning down invites to social events. We crave connection, fear missing out on a good time and assume we’re hurting other people’s feelings by saying no. But sometimes, turning someone down is unavoidable, and saying yes to everything can lead to burnout.

There’s also the problem of attending things just because you feel obligated. Then, you wind up having a bad night when you could have stayed home and watched TV or read a book.

A recent study found that 77% of people confessed to accepting an invitation to an event they didn’t want to attend because they were nervous that they’d upset the person who invited them. The good news is that the same study found that people are a lot less bothered when we say no to them than we assume.

So now you can feel less guilty about avoiding social events you don’t want to attend whether it's a family function, work happy hour a birthday party for some kid that your child hardly knows.

A recent study published by the American Psychological Association experimented on over 2,00 participants to find out how people feel after being rejected.

Researchers discovered that when participants imagined refusing a friend's invitation, they often thought it would immediately harm their relationship. They believed their friend might feel upset, disappointed and hesitant to invite them again. Those who envisioned rejecting the invitation were more inclined to think their friend would dwell on the refusal rather than understanding the decision-making process behind it.

However, researchers found that wasn’t the case.

“Across our experiments, we consistently found that invitees overestimate the negative ramifications that arise in the eyes of inviters following an invitation decline,” Julian Givi, PhD, an assistant professor at West Virginia University, told the American Psychological Association. “People tend to exaggerate the degree to which the person who issued the invitation will focus on the act of the invitee declining the invitation as opposed to the thoughts that passed through their head before they declined.”

The researchers performed a similar study with couples and, once again, found that those who turned down the invite thought their partner would be more upset than they actually were.

​“While there have been times when I have felt a little upset with someone who declined an invitation, our research gives us quite a bit of good reason to predict people overestimate the negative ramifications for our relationships,” Givi said.

Givi also says people should feel okay about declining invitations when busy, to avoid psychological burnout.

“Burnout is a real thing, especially around the holidays when we are often invited to too many events,” he said. “Don't be afraid to turn down invitations here and there. But, keep in mind that spending time with others is how relationships develop, so don't decline every invitation.”

This study should be good news to all the people-pleasers out there who often go to social engagements because they don’t they don’t want to hurt other people’s feelings. It’s also great news for those who feel a tremendous sense of guilt every time they turn down an invite. 


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8 thoughtful Halloween traditions kids with anxiety or disabilities may love.

For young kids, Halloween should be fun-scary. Not scary-scary.

While your child might do just fine with elaborate costumes, frightening yard displays, and stuffing their face with as much sugary candy as possible, there are many, many others for whom Halloween poses unique challenges.

In the U.S., 1 in 13 children have a serious food allergy, for example, and 1 in 68 have an autism spectrum disorder. And about 1 in 20 school-aged children in the U.S. have a significant physical or mental disability. It all starts to add up, and many of these issues may not be outwardly visible.

If you're hosting a Halloween party, putting up some last-minute decorations, or even just gearing up for trick-or-treaters, here's a few super simple things you can do to make this Halloween more inclusive, accessible, welcoming, and just generally awesome for every kid to participate in:

1. Fruity candies are great for everyone, but especially for kids with food allergies.

Photo by Foodie Factor/Pexels.

Peanut allergies get all the glory, but kids can be allergic to nearly anything. Common food allergies include peanuts, eggs, dairy, and gluten. Some families of candy, however, are safer bets than others.

Fruity candies, like Sour Patch Kids, gummy bears, Skittles, and Starburst, are a great thing to pass out for this very reason, but you can also find special kinds of chocolate made from hypoallergenic ingredients too.

There's nothing wrong with handing out Snickers, Twix, and the usual candy suspects, but if you're looking to offer some other options or want to pick just one kind of candy that pretty much anyone can enjoy, fruity candies are usually a safe bet.

2. Candy may be traditional, but nonedible treats are a good trick-or-treat option too.

In the case of severe allergies, it might be easier for some families to just avoid candy and sweets altogether — a potentially major bummer on a holiday almost entirely based around candy.

But there's a simple solution! Pick up some stickers, crayons, or other small nonedible treats (you can usually find them cheap, in bulk in the party supplies aisle) and offer those as trick-or-treating options alongside or instead of candy.

If you do this, consider putting a teal pumpkin outside your door or near the sidewalk. This signals to trick-or-treaters that you have non-edible treats to offer — letting everyone knows not to skip your house.

Photo via Food Allergy Research & Education.

3. Having a party? Perhaps set aside a "quiet down room" to give kids a space to get away from the crowd.

A raucous Halloween party with movies and music blaring and kids running around can be overwhelming for anyone, especially young kids with anxiety or hypersensitivity issues.

Consider closing off a room in your house as a quiet and nonspooky zone where kids can just go to chill out. This might be a good place to have low-key crafts or just dimmed lights and a comfy place to sit.

For hyposensitive kids, on the other hand...

4. Offer a variety of hands-on Halloween games and activities that keep kids engaged.

Kids who are hyposensitive are understimulated by the world around them and may prefer tactile activities like sticking their hands in a bowl of peeled grapes to simulate eyeballs, for example.

Child psychologist Dawn Huebner recommends having some games available that aren't purely based on winning or losing too and activities where shy or anxious kids can help (i.e., by passing out supplies or keeping score) without fully participating if they aren't comfortable.

5. For kids who can't get up to your porch or front walkway, bring the candy to them.

If you have a porch or stoop with steps, it might be hard for some kids who use assistance devices (like wheelchairs or walkers) to come up and knock on the door. Consider sitting at the bottom close to the sidewalk or street and handing out candy during peak hours or leaving a bowl closer to the street if you can't be there in person.

You can even rent a ramp for the day, if you're so ... inclined.

6. Remember that costumes and dress-up aren't comfortable for everyone — try not to judge costumes at the door.

We've all seen the teenagers who come trick-or-treating and their "costume" is a paper bag over their heads, and we all know they're just in it for the free candy.

But try not to play costume police, especially with younger kids. After all, trick-or-treating shouldn't be a costume competition. Some kids with anxiety, sensory issues, or even just kids who are really shy might be more comfortable in something that looks, to you, like a half-hearted or lazy get-up. For them, it might be the only reason they were willing to leave the house.

A simple and heartfelt, "You look great!" will go a long way.

7. Have some dedicated "mask off" time.

This might be a little much. Photo by Thomas Roberts/Unsplash.

Super frightening or gory costumes can scare any kid, but Huebner says, "It can be hard to predict what's going to be frightening for a child," noting that often even silly or goofy masks can be very scary for certain kids.

Consider having some periods of mask off time to re-establish comfort.

"For kids who are more broadly afraid, being able to see 'This is a mask and it comes on and off and there's a person inside of it' can be reassuring," she says.

If you're really dedicated to a truly spooky halloween and don't want to take the mask off — see #3 "have a quiet room" above or consider putting a sign by your front walkway alerting parents that their kids might not enjoy trick-or-treating from you.

8. Other parents will definitely appreciate seeing a party agenda in advance.

There's really no way for you to prepare for every possible issue that might arise during a party, gathering, or haunted house, nor should you be expected to have a contingency plan for every single thing that might come up. No one knows kids better than their own parents though.

If you're worried that you might not have something on hand to make your party great for everyone, sending a party agenda in advance is a great way to give parents a chance to prepare their kids for what to expect.

"It works best if hosts are clear in invitations, so families can make decisions about whether they want to go," Huebner says. "Anxious kids, and really all kids, do really, really well with previewing. With being told in advance what's going to happen. It's still exciting, but it's less likely to be really terrifying in a way that isn't fun."

Halloween is a fun, spooky holiday, but it's more fun when everyone can participate.

Feeling a little bit spooked on All Hallows' Eve is great, but it shouldn't be traumatizing. Kids shouldn't be made to feel they're in real danger or that they're being left out of the fun. No one wants that.

Making your Halloween celebrations inclusive and welcoming to everyone doesn't mean doing away with any of your favorite Halloween traditions. All it takes is a little extra thought and some simple preparations to make sure everyone has as awesome time as you do.

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