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Formerly 'awkward' person shares the 5 tricks he learned to become 'engaging' in 30 days

"I decided to treat every convo like an experiment, collect data on what actually makes people light up."

via Canva/Photos

A man and woman having a good conversation.

Do you get nervous in social situations because you’re not quite sure what to say? Do you dread exchanging hellos and then having an uncomfortable silence follow? Are you impressed by people who walk through social situations with confidence, who never seem to be at a loss for words, and whose company everyone seems to enjoy?

The good news is that if you are someone who feels socially awkward, you can overcome your discomfort by learning some basic communication tips that'll drastically improve your conversations. All it takes is studying the habits social butterflies use to be engaging conversationalists.

conversation, party, drinks, social situation, attention, listening Some friends talking at a party.via Canva/Photos

A Reddit user named Turbulent-Photo, who was admittedly awkward, began using some new conversational techniques, and in only 30 days, they went from being “awkward” to engaging. They shared the new skills they learned in a post on the Social Skills subforum. “I used to panic when someone asked a simple question like 'how's your day?' I’d give a one-word answer, then dip out. Then I decided to treat every convo like an experiment, collect data on what actually makes ppl light up,” they wrote before sharing five conversation hacks that helped them become a better conversationalist.

Note: The conversation tips have been edited for grammar and clarity.

Five conversation hacks to help you go from awkward to engaging

1. Active listening: “Instead of planning my next line, I just focused on their words, body language, tone, and it worked, mirroring their posture or repeating a key phrase (‘you said u love hiking?’), making them feel heard, and they open up.”

This trick is backed by science. Research shows that if you ask someone a question and two follow-up questions, it dramatically increases how likable you are. “We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

conversation, party, drinks, social situation, attention, listening A man and a woman chatting at a party.via Canva/Photos

2. Asking open-ended questions: Ditch ‘Did u have a good weekend?’ Try 'What was the highlight of your weekend?’ Suddenly they share stories, not just yes/no crap, and you got real convo material to build on.”

3. Storytelling: “Once I shared a 10-second tale bout freezing at the coffee shop, then joking with the barista, and people actually laughed. Vulnerability + humor = instant connection feels real.”

4. Body language: “I used to cross arms, look at the floor, classic ‘go away’ vibes. Then I uncrossed my arms, leaned in, kept my chest open, and people mirrored me back. Conversations flow even before I talk.”

Research shows that when someone likes you, they mirror your body language and movements. For example, if you’re seated, and the person likes you, they will mirror your seated posture. If you change your posture and then they adapt, it could be a big clue that someone likes you.

5. Affirmations: “‘That's a great point’ or ‘I hadn't thought of it that way’ cost nothing but boosts rapport big time.”

The interesting part about the five rules the Redditor shared is that most of them don’t involve you being the center of attention or having to wow the room with your amazing stories and anecdotes. It’s just about being a good listener, standing with intentional body language, and asking the right questions. Then, when you do take a moment to speak up, you’ll have an attentive conversation partner hanging on every word. Because you made them feel so comfortable and heard, they're happy to extend you the same courtesy.

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Legendary 2000s pop punk band fights the ticket monopoly with throwback 'house party' tour

The "dirty little secret" is that young people don't remember when buying concert tickets didn't suck.

Canva Photos & By Arisara from U.S.A. - AARUploaded by Cptnono, CC BY 2.0,

The All-American Rejects are ditching stadiums and playing house parties again.

I don't know if it's just because the memories are hazy or because times really were simpler, but I remember an era where you could discover that your favorite artist was touring near you, go buy tickets, and attend the concert. It was that simple to have a great time. Tickets were never that cheap, but could be affordable if you were willing to sit in general admission, lawn, or nosebleed seats. And as long as you didn't wait until the last last last minute, you could usually get seats to most shows.

If you've seen a live concert any time in the last few years, you know that experience is a relic of the past. Instead, even for artists with mid-level popularity, you'll be prompted to join an online "Pre-sale" that starts at a specific time, get thrust into a "Waiting Room" with thousands of other people, and spend hours watching the page to discover that all the tickets have long since sold out. Your only choice, then, is to buy them on re-sale where, surprise surprise, they cost three to five times their face value...or more.

The average concert ticket has gone from $91.86 in 2019 to $135.92 in just a few years. In the 90s, the average ticket cost $25.81, or the equivalent of about $51 adjusting for inflation. That's a staggering increase. And while there were always scalpers, large-scale bots and software help scam resellers scoop up tickets at an absurd volume, making the experience miserable for everyone else. And then there are the fees and service charges, which often add on another 50% to the ticket price.

One of your favorite pop punks bands from the 2000s has had enough, so they're going old-school for the latest tour.

Remember the All-American Rejects? They were huge in the early 2000s with mega hits like "Swing, Swing," "Move Along," "Dirty Little Secret," and more.

You probably haven't heard too much about them for the last decade or so, but they've been plenty busy playing the hits and working on new material. In fact, pop punk has been experiencing something of a renaissance the last few years. Bands like Yellowcard are suddenly more popular than ever.

The All-American Rejects aren't about to let all this genre-momentum go to waste, but instead of trying to sell out the biggest venues possible, they're going back to their roots with a "house party tour."

@freshest.avacado

The All American Rejects at girlhouse in Nashville, TN. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU #allamericanrejects

With a simple online form, fans can request that the band come to their area, or to their party!

From there, all the shows are secret "pop up" concerts—where the location isn't announced in advance, only texted to fans who've signed up with little warning.

The results are pretty epic. Clips of the secret shows are popping up all over social media and they're overflowing with energy and passion and a shared love of live music. No processing fees necessary. As an old-head myself, it's also pretty awesome to see a younger generation getting introduced to the angst-ridden beauty of pop punk. In my opinion, kids today have way too many songs about love and sex and not nearly enough about not fitting in and feeling like a loser. That is a crucial feeling in a young person's development!

@allamericanrejects_clips

Can you imagine being THIS close to The All American Rejects at a pop-up show?! @All-American Rejects #aar #theallamericanrejects #punkmusic #popupconcert #livemusic #fyp

Rejects front man Tyson Ritter says the band wanted to push back against the modern shell-game of filling concert venues.

In an interview with Vulture, he explains that not-only is ticket scalping and the massive reseller market a big problem, but even big-name artists are filling arenas with less-than-legit sales:

"The first 25 percent of the arena gets sold from people buying $300 tickets, and they don’t even know that the local promoter is getting hundreds of free tickets to fill the rest of the venue. I can’t believe that’s not something people don’t put a class-action suit against, because it seems to be robbery. If I sold you a sandwich for $100 so I could give away my last sandwich to a guy on the street, then why did I pay $100 for that sandwich, man? Just give me a $5 sandwich and let’s all eat together."

He says the idea for a house party tour came from the band wanting to rediscover their love for the music as they hit middle-age, and wanting to go back to what captured their hearts in the beginning.

@christianrlocke

The energy was insane at @All-American Rejects house party #theallamericanrejects

"The spirit of where we started was we were four kids that weren’t cool and got to play at a high-school party. And that night [at our first pop up show], we felt cool. Kind of like when kids would pass a tip jar around for us to be able to pay for gas to get there and back. So after that night, we all put our heads together to see what would be possible."

It's not the first time artists have been fed up with the "ticket monopoly."

Pearl Jam famously demand that venues keep charges to under $20 for their 1994 tour. When venues turned them down, Pearl Jam made a complaint with the justice department. In the 2000s, The String Cheese Incident tried lots of creative methods to sell direct-to-fan tickets. But most artists who have rebelled against the monopoly have run into the stark fact that Ticketmaster and Live Nation have unprecedented control over what music venues can and can't do.

But you know what ticketing companies can't control? A backyard, a keg of beer, and a couple dozen rowdy young people. That's the spirit of early punk rock and pop punk. It only makes sense that one of the genre's iconic bands would be leading yet another charge against The Man.

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Humor

Comedian Josh Johnson perfectly describes what it's like to be broke in today's America

"My friend turns to me and says, 'Josh, you must not mind the rain.'"

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Josh Johnson.

Income inequality isn't exactly new. However, it seems more people are aware of it than ever. In fact, according to a Pew Research poll that surveyed 36 countries, a "median of 54% of adults across the nations surveyed say the gap between the rich and the poor is a very big problem in their country."

Money, hundred dollars, hundred dollar bills, wealth, richWealth Inequality is a rampant problem. Photo by Giorgio Trovato on Unsplash

The good news is people are learning to educate themselves—from financial planning to paying attention to where special interest money goes in terms of political leaders. But still, for many of us, it's hard to understand what it must be like to be wealthy when we've never had real wealth. Without having a lived-in experience, even the concept of money itself can be difficult to grasp.

Comedian Josh Johnson, who is also a correspondent and writer on The Daily Show, is an expert at taking complex notions and putting them into hilarious context through his long-form comedic storytelling. In a TikTok clip labeled "That Time I Almost Drowned," Josh begins by talking about the literal fabric of money. "We look at money as paper, right? At least when it's in its physical form, it's this paper thing. But it's more than paper. There's fabric that weaves into it. There's linen, there's cotton."

@joshjohnsoncomedy

I Almost Drowned At A Party

Josh likens the actual fabric of money to society. "It works the same way that society works. There's fabric that weaves all of us together." He adds, "But there are people who have not been able to participate in the opportunities of making money...so when you tell them a recession is coming, they're like, 'What? Okay. I was already broke.'"

He proceeds to illustrate with a story. "One time, I was at a party with my friends, and I fell in the pool." He makes sure to note that it wasn't a "pool party" and, therefore, deeply embarrassing. But more than that, "terrifying," because he reveals, "I can't swim. And when you don't swim, being surrounded by water out of nowhere is very concerning."

swim, pool, water, party, story, Summer Fall GIF by Mark RoberGiphy

He describes the sudden shock of the water. "I feel like I turned around, and water surrounded me." What he did next was not so much swim, but rather "drown," and he hilariously describes his friend fishing him out of the pool like a cat picking up its kitten. Wet and still in shock, Josh understandably wanted to leave immediately. But "the dude who saved me was my ride... and now has 'mack points' and begins to use them to hit on people."

When they finally try to leave, alongside a few other friends, his car won't start. "Luckily, he did live close enough to the party that we could walk. It was maybe a mile and some change. And as we start walking, it starts drizzling... and then really starts raining." After describing how his various friends responded to the rain (one hunched into "turtle" position and another put one hand over his head), Josh has an epiphany: "My friend turns to me and says, 'Josh, you must not mind the rain.' And I was like, I almost drowned 20 minutes ago. And THAT'S what it's like when you're broke. You're almost drowning all the time. So when people try to scare you with talks of a recession, you're like, 'Why would I... what?'” He puts a hand over his head. "You're doing this... I'm already WET!"

rain, drowning, drown, downpour, metaphorRaining Stick Figure GIF by State ChampsGiphy

Many in the comment section truly empathize, and there seems to be comfort in being "seen." One fan wrote, "This is incredible. You're the Kendrick Lamar of comedy." Another said, "This is such a good way to explain it."

One top commenter perfectly sums it up: "What is loss to a man who has nothing? What's a little rain to a drowning man?"

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This 3-step Harvard conversation trick makes shy people more likable

Making small talk easier? Yes, please.

via Pavel Danilyuk/Pexels

Two people having a conversation at a party.

Many people, especially those who are introverted and shy, are uncomfortable making small talk with someone new, whether they’re at a party, work event, or just standing in line at the grocery store. However, a 2017 Harvard study revealed a simple three-step trick to make you more likable and conversations more comfortable.

The researchers found that when approaching someone you have never met, asking a question and then two follow-up questions dramatically increases your likeability. The study was conducted by Harvard researchers and published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

“We identify a robust and consistent relationship between question-asking and liking,” the study's authors wrote. “People who ask more questions, particularly follow-up questions, are better liked by their conversation partners.”

party, gathering, small talk, connection, conversation, shy peopleTwo people chatting at a small gathering. Image via Canva

How do I make new people like me?

The study should be a big relief to shy people and introverts who are not interested in trying to impress people by going on and on about themselves.

According to the research, when you meet someone new at a party, the important thing is to approach them like it’s an interview, and you are the journalist. You just need one strong opening question and then you can follow up two times by asking them to clarify what they meant or expand on something they said.

“Think to yourself, 'I need to ask at least five questions in this conversation,' or 'I need to ask questions in this conversation, listen to the answers, and ask follow-up questions.' It’s easy to do, and—even better—requires almost no preparation,” Alison Wood Brooks, assistant professor and Hellman Faculty Fellow at Harvard Business School and a co-author of the study, said, according to Forbes.

People like those who ask follow-up questions not only because they enjoy talking about themselves, but because It also shows that their conversation partner is actively listening. They are paying attention, not looking over your shoulder at someone else. “Follow-up questions are an easy and effective way to keep the conversation going and show that the asker has paid attention to what their partner has said,” the researchers note.

The findings counter the strategy many use when meeting someone for the first time, whether on a blind date or at a networking event. For many, the first step is to try and impress the new person, but research shows that’s not the case.

shy, anxious, small talk, conversations, likeableA woman hides her face.Image via Canva

“The tendency to focus on the self when trying to impress others is misguided,” the study’s authors wrote, adding that “redirecting the topic of conversation to oneself, bragging, boasting or dominating the conversation, tend to decrease liking.”

It’s a pretty simple concept: people like talking about themselves and if you allow them, they’ll like you more. “Compared to those who do not ask many questions, people who do are better liked and learn more information from their conversation partners,” Brooks said. “This strategy does both. It’s an easy-to-deploy strategy anyone can use to not only be perceived as more emotionally intelligent but to actually be more emotionally intelligent as well.”

One of the studies cited by the authors focused on online dating and found that asking follow-up questions meant a greater chance of getting a second date. The researchers found that the top third of question-askers got the most second dates. When researchers looked at face-to-face speed daters, where they met 20 people at a time, they found that asking one more question on each date would help someone succeed in getting a “yes I want to see you again” on one more date.

The three-question rule has some caveats. You should make sure you're having a conversation, not an interrogation. “Asking a barrage of questions without disclosing information about yourself may come across as guarded, or worse, invasive,” Brooks says.

How much should I talk in a conversation?

conversation, group conversation, party, event, gathering, shy peopleA group of women look bored at a party.Image via Canva

While it’s important to ask questions when you meet someone new, you can’t let them do all the talking. Research shows that the perfect conversation ratio is 43:57. You do 43% of the talking and 57% of the listening. The goal is to make your conversation partner and new friend think, “Wow, that person really gets me” by the time the conversation ends.

The next time you find yourself in a social situation, you can feel a bit more relaxed knowing there is a scientifically proven way to ensure that people will find you likable and a good conversationalist. Remember the three-question rule: Open with a question and then ask two follow-ups.

Need even more Harvard-sourced tips for painless conversations? Listen to what the Harvard Business Review has to say:

- YouTubewww.youtube.com


This article originally appeared last year.

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