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A 3-word method can help you make relaxed small talk that doesn't feel like an interview

Injecting some personality can make things a lot more fun.

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A man and woman chatting over some wine.

A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.

One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.

The statement-plus technique

“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”

small talk, conversation, office party, people talking, wine Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos

Here are some examples:

Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:

“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”

Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:

“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”

Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:

“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”

These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.

- YouTube youtu.be

What is reciprocal self-disclosure?

“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."

Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.

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The 13 signs that someone is 'dangerously good' at reading people

"You feel comfortable talking to them, and you find yourself sharing things with them that you don’t typically share."

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A woman enjoying a conversation while drinking wine.

Some people are just naturally good at reading others. They pick up on subtle cues, body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions that go over other people’s heads. They are adept at seeing past other people's words and cuing into the energy or emotions behind them.

People who are great at reading others have a significant advantage in being creative, building relationships, and building teams. But where does it come from? Why does it seem like some people have an extra social muscle that others just don’t?

Some posit that people who are adept at reading others often come from backgrounds where they grew up with chaotic parents or family members. To preserve themselves, they become keen observers of subtle clues to protect themselves against abusive outbursts.

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This makes them excellent students of tone of voice, body language, and emotional states so that they can defend themselves.

abusive dad, angy dad, man drinking coffee, man in a robe, man pointing An angry man in his kitchen.via Canva/Photos

To those who aren’t brilliant at reading others, these people’s skills seem mysterious at best. So, a Reddit user posed a question to the AskReddit forum to see what other people have noticed about people who are great at reading others. “What's a sign that someone is dangerously good at reading people?” they asked. They received over 1,300 replies, and we compiled the best.

Here are 13 signs that someone is “dangerously good” at reading people.

1. You immediately overshare

"You feel comfortable talking to them and you find yourself sharing things with them you don’t typically share."

2. They're hard to read

"They themselves are typically hard to read."

"Or better yet people think they are reading you and know you but all they know is what you want them to think they know."

3. They're neutral observers

"Observe the person. It helps if you’re naturally empathetic. You can tell when they’re being sincere or when there’s motivation. You can hear it in their voice when they’re nervous, jealous, or uncomfortable. You can see it in their face. You can feel when their energy pauses, dips, or spikes. The key is to be neutral yourself. If you’re not invested in the outcome of the interaction at all, you can read others better."

"My mom is the one who tipped me off to this. She said it was the key to learning about our lives when we were preteens and teens. She said she was careful not to ever react in big ways to anything we said, especially if it was negative, because if she did we would be more likely to stop providing info. If she acted neutral, we’d keep talking."


woman, wine, party, conversation, social event, formal event A woman having a good conversation.via Canva/Photos


4. They had unpredictable parents

"Some people who grew up with unpredictable parents become hyper-observant of micro-expressions. When coupled with empathy and a good memory, they can ask good questions at the right time, or pick up on unspoken emotions (or intentions/danger). This can be a blessing and a curse."

"This is exactly how I got good at reading people. If I found myself unable to predict what my father was going to do next, there's a good chance bad things happen to me. It's born out of necessity."

5. They know you before you open your mouth

"They clock your mood or thoughts before you’ve even said anything. They would ask really specific questions. Not nosy, just oddly on point. Also, watch how fast they adjust. You’re all fired up, and they’re calm and grounding."

6. They're accurate

"When they say something about you that you’ve never told anyone, but it’s scarily accurate... like ?? How do you know that, that’s when you know they’re built different."

7. They may sabotage themselves

"People who are highly intuitive, very observant and understands people dynamics usually at the expense of knowing themselves well at times."

"OH MY GOD. This. This this this. This is exactly my wife who is by far the best people person I've ever seen...and she's terrible at understanding herself or solving her own problems."


man and woman, man in suit, serious conversation, talking with hands, blonde man A man and woman in deep conversation. via Canva/Photos

8. They understand receptivity

"Children and animals like and trust them. They are constantly aware of the receptivity levels of others."

9. They ask the right questions

"When they ask lots of questions to people, especially when they’re based off observations.

You usually don’t ___ and i see now you’re ___, is everything alright?

Since you’ve been dating your partner, I’ve noticed _____. What’s up?

I’ve noticed when you feel like ____ you usually do _____, and you’ve been doing ____ lots recently, how come?

NEVER in a way which sounds or is judgemental, is always evidence based, and as a result people are often willing to open up and elaborate more without fear of being judged. My friends do this and I try so hard to learn from them."


10. They don't show it

"One of the biggest signs that someone is exceptionally skilled at reading people is that they don’t show it. People who are truly skilled observers mask their awareness and let others underestimate them while they quietly collect insight. They downplay their intuition and pretend to guess poorly. Also, they ask or say things that are psychologically strategic."

11. You don't know them, but they know you

"You feel super close to them, very comfortable sharing anything with them and consider them a close friend. In retrospect, you realize you know next to nothing about them beyond the surface."

12. They can make friends with anyone

"I had a friend who was insanely good at reading people. He once told me 'if I want you to be my friend, you will.' I believed it too. He could be friends with anyone."

"That's kinda creepy ngl, smacks of the Machiavellian type more than the empathetic type."

13. You're afraid to lie around them

"You feel like you’re talking to a raven and you’re scared to lie."

This article originally appeared in May.
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Etiquette expert shares 5 small talk hacks to make the most awkward person feel confident

"Let's make small talk less dreadful."

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A couple talking on a date.

It’s important to be good at making small talk, it’s how we can make friends in the workplace, find romance on a first date, and maintain meaningful connections with those in our community. However, many people are put off by the prospect of chatting with a stranger because they either find it uncomfortable or simply don’t enjoy discussing trivial topics, such as the weather, sports, or their job.

However, if you’re good at making small talk, you can elevate it to a medium level of conversation, and then hopefully something much more profound. TikToker Mariah Grumet Humbert, (@OldSoulEtiquette) put out a video with five “rapid fire small talk hacks that actually work,” and they're an excellent way for anyone to level up their conversation game.

coworkers, small talk, conversation, coffee, jokes, communications tips Coworkers having a great conversation. via Canva/Photos

How to improve your small talk skills

“I feel like it’s time small talk gets a rebrand! What do you think? It doesn’t have to be that surface-level conversation that people dread, but it can actually be the start of a good connection or even a simple way to spread kindness,” Humbert wrote on Instagram.

Humbert is a certified etiquette trainer who works with individuals and organizations across the globe, offering private consulting, interactive workshops, webinars, and keynotes on topics such as social, dining, and business etiquette, first and lasting impressions, personal branding, the art of conversation and small talk, the power of your professional presence.

@oldsouletiquette

Small talk hacks that actually work! I know this to be true because I use them all every single day. Let’s make small talk less dreadful! ❤️ #etiquetteexpert #etiquettetips #smalltalk #tips #conversation #hacks

Five ‘rapid-fire’ small talk hacks that actually work

1. Frame your question

“[Frame it] so it prompts the other person to give you a longer-winded answer. For example, instead of saying ‘where did you grow up?’ Say ‘tell me about where you grew up.’”

2. Take note of your surroundings

“Use your host and surroundings to help you get started, as these are things you already have in common with this person.”

3. Have some back-pocket topics

“These are topics you are going to leave in your back pocket in case you need to use them. If there is an awkward silence in the conversation, or perhaps the conversation goes in a direction you don't really want it to go in.”

If you're looking for an easy way to remember some key topics, consider the FORD method: Family, Occupation, Recreation, Dreams. You can learn more about that here.

4. Give thoughtful responses

“Your answer should either end in a question for the other person or prompts the other person to ask you a follow-up question.”

5. Choose familiar subject matter

“Focus on bringing up topics that you can talk about endlessly. This will make the conversation flow a lot better.”


Humbert’s list of hacks can be helpful to those who feel uncomfortable making small talk with people because they don’t have a strategy. People may think that those who are adept at making friends at parties simply have the gift of gab or natural charisma. But what Humbert shows is that small talk is like any other skill in life. For many of us, it has to be learned and may not be something you pick up naturally. Now, with a few hacks under your belt, who knows what wonderful people you’ll meet at your next social gathering?

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Legendary 2000s pop punk band fights the ticket monopoly with throwback 'house party' tour

The "dirty little secret" is that young people don't remember when buying concert tickets didn't suck.

Canva Photos & By Arisara from U.S.A. - AARUploaded by Cptnono, CC BY 2.0,

The All-American Rejects are ditching stadiums and playing house parties again.

I don't know if it's just because the memories are hazy or because times really were simpler, but I remember an era where you could discover that your favorite artist was touring near you, go buy tickets, and attend the concert. It was that simple to have a great time. Tickets were never that cheap, but could be affordable if you were willing to sit in general admission, lawn, or nosebleed seats. And as long as you didn't wait until the last last last minute, you could usually get seats to most shows.

If you've seen a live concert any time in the last few years, you know that experience is a relic of the past. Instead, even for artists with mid-level popularity, you'll be prompted to join an online "Pre-sale" that starts at a specific time, get thrust into a "Waiting Room" with thousands of other people, and spend hours watching the page to discover that all the tickets have long since sold out. Your only choice, then, is to buy them on re-sale where, surprise surprise, they cost three to five times their face value...or more.

The average concert ticket has gone from $91.86 in 2019 to $135.92 in just a few years. In the 90s, the average ticket cost $25.81, or the equivalent of about $51 adjusting for inflation. That's a staggering increase. And while there were always scalpers, large-scale bots and software help scam resellers scoop up tickets at an absurd volume, making the experience miserable for everyone else. And then there are the fees and service charges, which often add on another 50% to the ticket price.

One of your favorite pop punks bands from the 2000s has had enough, so they're going old-school for the latest tour.

Remember the All-American Rejects? They were huge in the early 2000s with mega hits like "Swing, Swing," "Move Along," "Dirty Little Secret," and more.

You probably haven't heard too much about them for the last decade or so, but they've been plenty busy playing the hits and working on new material. In fact, pop punk has been experiencing something of a renaissance the last few years. Bands like Yellowcard are suddenly more popular than ever.

The All-American Rejects aren't about to let all this genre-momentum go to waste, but instead of trying to sell out the biggest venues possible, they're going back to their roots with a "house party tour."

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The All American Rejects at girlhouse in Nashville, TN. THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU #allamericanrejects

With a simple online form, fans can request that the band come to their area, or to their party!

From there, all the shows are secret "pop up" concerts—where the location isn't announced in advance, only texted to fans who've signed up with little warning.

The results are pretty epic. Clips of the secret shows are popping up all over social media and they're overflowing with energy and passion and a shared love of live music. No processing fees necessary. As an old-head myself, it's also pretty awesome to see a younger generation getting introduced to the angst-ridden beauty of pop punk. In my opinion, kids today have way too many songs about love and sex and not nearly enough about not fitting in and feeling like a loser. That is a crucial feeling in a young person's development!

@allamericanrejects_clips

Can you imagine being THIS close to The All American Rejects at a pop-up show?! @All-American Rejects #aar #theallamericanrejects #punkmusic #popupconcert #livemusic #fyp

Rejects front man Tyson Ritter says the band wanted to push back against the modern shell-game of filling concert venues.

In an interview with Vulture, he explains that not-only is ticket scalping and the massive reseller market a big problem, but even big-name artists are filling arenas with less-than-legit sales:

"The first 25 percent of the arena gets sold from people buying $300 tickets, and they don’t even know that the local promoter is getting hundreds of free tickets to fill the rest of the venue. I can’t believe that’s not something people don’t put a class-action suit against, because it seems to be robbery. If I sold you a sandwich for $100 so I could give away my last sandwich to a guy on the street, then why did I pay $100 for that sandwich, man? Just give me a $5 sandwich and let’s all eat together."

He says the idea for a house party tour came from the band wanting to rediscover their love for the music as they hit middle-age, and wanting to go back to what captured their hearts in the beginning.

@christianrlocke

The energy was insane at @All-American Rejects house party #theallamericanrejects

"The spirit of where we started was we were four kids that weren’t cool and got to play at a high-school party. And that night [at our first pop up show], we felt cool. Kind of like when kids would pass a tip jar around for us to be able to pay for gas to get there and back. So after that night, we all put our heads together to see what would be possible."

It's not the first time artists have been fed up with the "ticket monopoly."

Pearl Jam famously demand that venues keep charges to under $20 for their 1994 tour. When venues turned them down, Pearl Jam made a complaint with the justice department. In the 2000s, The String Cheese Incident tried lots of creative methods to sell direct-to-fan tickets. But most artists who have rebelled against the monopoly have run into the stark fact that Ticketmaster and Live Nation have unprecedented control over what music venues can and can't do.

But you know what ticketing companies can't control? A backyard, a keg of beer, and a couple dozen rowdy young people. That's the spirit of early punk rock and pop punk. It only makes sense that one of the genre's iconic bands would be leading yet another charge against The Man.

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