Stephen Colbert Calls Out CNN On Their Inability To Report Actual News

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Being a 24-hour news station is hard. You have to find ways to fill 24 hours of airtime without being redundant and without there being breaking news every single day.

Stephen Colbert decided to get to the bottom of CNN's latest story — the story of whether there was any story left about the tragedy of the lost Malaysia Airlines plane. He nails it.

Transcript:
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Steven Colbert: Hey everybody! Hold on one second I 'll be with you in one minute. I'm gonna check something out folks. Sorry, I'm just checking the latest updates from the CNN on the search Malaysian Airlines flight 370.

See their anticipating the release of a long awaited Malaysian government report. On the disappearance right now. Should be coming in any moment, let just check every possible source for that story. No. OK, until then I'm constantly refreshing my e-mail and I'm toggling my iPhone in and out of airplane mode. And of course I'm staying glued to the CNN.

CNN Anchor: Will, give us the latest.

Will: The latest is we keep checking our phones and refreshing our e-mail in-boxes to see when this report comes in. We're being told that this report is going to come to us via e-mail, sometime around this time. It’s gonna be via e-mail. We've been constantly checking our in-boxes. Literally we are clicking refresh. Several times a minute to see when this report comes in.

CNN Anchorwoman: We're waiting and anticipating this report as we've been reporting. Malaysian authorities report is expected any minute now.

CNN Anchor: Any minute now.

CNN Anchor: Any minute now.

CNN Anchor: Will Ripley is live there in Kuala Lumpur watching his e-mail, as we are here.

CNN Anchor: We have to wait on obviously to get the details, but there are some thing we can expect to see.

CNN Anchor: You want the real basics.

You want the who...

…the when...

…and the Where.

Steven: OK, OK, let me just make a note. Let me just make a note of that. OK, OK, OK. Ah, I wanna thank you for those words. OK that you said. All right You know, you know folks. You know folks, I gotta say that CNN's Richard Quest is the perfect newsman for this tragedy, because his accent makes any report Shakespearean. Specifically the tragedy of Macbeth because it’s a tail told by an idiot sound and fury signify nothing. Yet.

But let’s refresh our e-mails. And and...

…and nothing.

OK so let’s check in on another source, the magic eight-ball. And OK there is definitely something floating in there could be the debris. Let’s check and and and OK. Ask again later.

We'll Check in with the eight-ball later, in the meantime for a different perspective lets sacrifice tonight's news chicken. OK. All right, all right, and, then I will read it entrails. Hear me! Hear me! Oh pre-human primordial nether gods!

Oh hold on, hold on, the report just coming in. Hold on. What do we have here? OK. It's going to be a hot summer. There will be a blood rain, and oh my God the lambs will be still-born. Ah. Unfortunately, nothing here about the plane. Wait! That sound means CNN has finally received the Malaysian report yes, Jimmy lets go live.

CNN Anchor: This is the moment we've been waiting for the Malaysian authorities have released their first report on what happened.

Let’s go live right away to Kuala Lumpur Will Ripley is there with the news.What we know Will what do you see?

Will: Hey Chris this is the five page report I have in my hand right now I just printed it out and I have to say as I'm scanning through it. As we have been saying, there really is no big surprises here.

Steven: No. No big surprise there.

We should probably should leave this story now, but we can't because we're still waiting for one more report from our correspondent Mr. Goodow, who has promised he will have some actual news on flight 370-.

Boy: Mr Colbert.

Steven: Off we go again. Do you have a message from Mr. Goodow?

Boy: Yes, sir.

Steven: He won't be reporting this evening?

Boy: No, sir.

Steven: But he'll report tomorrow?

Boy: Yes, sir!

Steven: Without fail?

Boy: Yes, sir!

Steven: Christ have mercy on us. I can't take this anymore. Shall we go to another story? Yes. Let's Go.

There may be small errors in this transcript.

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