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A man and woman chatting over some wine.
A lot of people are uncomfortable making small talk, but it’s an essential skill that can make or break your love life, career, and social experiences. Many people believe that being good at chatting with others is something innate, but those who excel at it work at their craft and pick up small tips along the way to become better communicators.
One of the tricks that all great communicators know is that you will be more likable when you're more interested than interesting. Study after study shows that people love talking about themselves, and if you ask people more questions, they will like you a lot more than if you did all the talking. So, how do we do this without creating a one-sided conversation where your conversation partner learns nothing about you? The folks at the Science of People have shared the statement-plus question technique.
The statement-plus technique
“One of the smoothest ways to keep conversation flowing is to share a brief personal statement followed by a question,” the Science of People writes. “This technique accomplishes two things: it gives the other person information about you (making you seem more approachable and interesting) while also redirecting focus to them.”
Coworkers having a nice conversation.via Canva/Photos
Here are some examples:
Instead of asking “What do you do for work?” say:
“I’m a writer for Upworthy, and I enjoy seeing my work read by millions of people. What excites you about your job?”
Instead of asking, “Where do you live?” try:
“I live in Long Beach, California, and it’s really nice living by the ocean. What do you love the most about where you live?”
Instead of asking, “How do you know the person who threw the party?” say:
“I met Sarah at a church meeting seven years ago. Do you remember the first time you met her?”
These questions enable you to discuss yourself while maintaining the focus on the other person. They are also open-ended, so you don’t just get a one-word answer. You learn their job and what excites them about it. You know where they live, and they get to brag about what they like about the city. The technique also broadens the conversation because, according to the psychological phenomenon known as reciprocal self-disclosure, people are more likely to disclose things about themselves after you share something about yourself.
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What is reciprocal self-disclosure?
“The most likely result of your self-disclosure is that other people will do the same. In the field of communication, we refer to this as 'reciprocity.' When you share information about yourself, the most likely result is that people will start to disclose a similar type of information from their own lives," communication coach Alexander Lyon says. "In our presentations, we talk about this as a magic wand. Disclosure is the closest thing we have to a magic wand in terms of a concept in communication. When you disclose, other people almost automatically reciprocate."
Ultimately, people love to talk about themselves, and if you give them the opportunity, they will like you more for it. However, that doesn’t mean you can’t reveal some aspects of yourself at the same time while keeping the focus on them. The statement-plus question technique allows you to reveal some things about yourself while making the other person feel seen and comfortable telling you more about themselves. It’s sure to elevate your small talk to something more substantial in a relaxed way that doesn’t feel like an interview.
Harvard researcher Arthur C. Brooks studies what leads to human happiness.
We live in a society that prizes ambition, celebrating goal-setting, and hustle culture as praiseworthy vehicles on the road to success. We also live in a society that associates successfully getting whatever our hearts desire with happiness. The formula we internalize from an early age is that desire + ambition + goal-setting + doing what it takes = a successful, happy life.
But as Harvard University happiness researcher Arthur C. Brooks has found, in his studies as well as his own experience, that happiness doesn't follow that formula. "It took me too long to figure this one out," Brooks told podcast host Tim Ferris, explaining why he uses a "reverse bucket list" to live a happier life.
Many people make bucket lists of things they want in life. Giphy
Brooks shared that on his birthday, he would always make a list of his desires, ambitions, and things he wanted to accomplish—a bucket list. But when he was 50, he found his bucket list from when he was 40 and had an epiphany: "I looked at that list from when I was 40, and I'd checked everything off that list. And I was less happy at 50 than I was at 40."
As a social scientist, he recognized that he was doing something wrong and analyzed it.
"This is a neurophysiological problem and a psychological problem all rolled into one handy package," he said. "I was making the mistake of thinking that my satisfaction would come from having more. And the truth of the matter is that lasting and stable satisfaction, which doesn't wear off in a minute, comes when you understand that your satisfaction is your haves divided by your wants…You can increase your satisfaction temporarily and inefficiently by having more, or permanently and securely by wanting less."
Brooks concluded that he needed a "reverse bucket list" that would help him "consciously detach" from his worldly wants and desires by simply writing them down and crossing them off.
"I know that these things are going to occur to me as natural goals," Brooks said, citing human evolutionary psychology. "But I do not want to be owned by them. I want to manage them." He discussed moving those desires from the instinctual limbic system to the conscious pre-frontal cortex by examining each one and saying, "Maybe I get it, maybe I don't," but crossing them off as attachments. "And I'm free…it works," he said.
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"When I write them down, I acknowledge that I have the desire," he explained on X. "When I cross them out, I acknowledge that I will not be attached to this goal."
The idea that attachment itself causes unhappiness is a concept found in many spiritual traditions, but it is most closely associated with Buddhism. Mike Brooks, PhD, explains that humans need healthy attachments, such as an attachment to staying alive and attachments to loved ones, to avoid suffering. But many things to which we are attached are not necessarily healthy, either by degree (over-attachment) or by nature (being attached to things that are impermanent).
"We should strive for flexibility in our attachments because the objects of our attachment are inherently in flux," Brooks writes in Psychology Today. "In this way, we suffer unnecessarily when we don't accept their impermanent nature."
What Arthur C. Brooks suggests that we strive to detach ourselves from our wants and desires because the simplest way to solve the 'haves/wants = happiness' formula is to reduce the denominator. The reverse bucket list, in which you cross off desires before you fulfill them, can help free you from attachment and lead to a happier overall existence.
Could you be more effective with your water intake?
Here’s something we all know but rarely think about: 75% of the human body is made up of water. Essentially, we’re water balloons with legs, or whatever the heck Flubber was.
To maintain that internal reservoir, humans need to drink 15 cups of water (for men) and 11 cups of water (for women) daily. It doesn’t take a math whiz to realize that’s a lot of water. To put that into perspective, according to the Omni Calculator (a great online tool that determines a person’s total body water volume using a formula developed by Dr. P.E. Watson), beloved character actor Steve Buscemi is currently carrying around 83.74 pounds of water in his body, or approximately 10 gallons.
But what if you’ve been drinking water, that sweet elixir of life, all wrong? Or, at the very least, ineffectively? Just as every plant has its ideal growing conditions, according to doctors and medical professionals, the temperature of the water we drink matters a lot more than you might think.
Room-temperature, ice-cold and straight from the fridge, slightly warm for no reason at all: when it comes to drinking water, everyone has their own unique methods of getting the job done. But while we continue to chug our preferred water temperatures without question, we might be missing out on some serious health benefits—or even causing ourselves unnecessary discomfort.
Medical experts have discovered that water temperature, when used at the right time, can significantly improve your wellbeing, affecting everything from how we digest our food to how well we perform during workouts. All water hydrates, but the temperature at which you drink it can make all the difference.
Room-temperature water is your digestive system's best friend
A woman drinking room-temperature water. Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels
When to drink
Good morning! Many dieticians and wellness experts recommend drinking room-temperature water (about 68°F) first thing in the morning to gently activate your gastrointestinal tract (It also promotes regular bowel movements, FYI). This gentle approach is often referred to as “Japanese water therapy,” and encourages sipping 4-5 glasses (about ¾-cup each) upon waking then waiting 45 minutes before breakfast. It’s also great for everyday hydration, since room-temperature water is often easier to gulp.
Why it works
"In Chinese medicine we advocate drinking warm water because of its effect on the digestive system," Dr. Jill Blakeway, a licensed doctor of acupuncture and Chinese medicine, explains. “Drinking cold water can congeal the fats in food and because of that can make the digestive system sluggish."
Your body absorbs room-temperature water more easily, causing minimal disruption to the digestive system, making it the go-to option for sensitive stomachs.
Ice-cold water is perfect for workouts and hot days
A glass of water with ice. Photo Credit: Cottonbro Studio/Pexels
When to drink
This one is for the athletes and fitness gurus: Cold water (around 41°F from the fridge or 60°F from the tap) is your new best friend. Like a refreshing summer breeze, cold water has a natural way of cooling the body down during or after an exercise. It also gives your metabolism a tiny boost: according to research, your body expends about five calories per ounce of ice while warming the water to body temperature.
Why it works
Studies show that drinking cold water triggers a special reflex that helps you to stop sweating sooner, effectively lowering your core temperature and enhancing overall performance.
“It turns out that sweating stops before fluid can completely be incorporated into the body,” says gastroenterologist Dr. Brian Weiner. “There’s some kind of reflex that acknowledges liquid intake, and studies have shown that it kicks in more at the cold tap water level.”
Hot water soothes what ails you
A woman drinks hot water. Photo Credit: Andrea Piacquadio/Pexels
When to drink
Hot water (130-160°F) can be incredibly soothing when you’re under the weather. So, if you’re feeling congested or battling a sore throat, a nice mug of hot water might be just what the doctor ordered. A 2008 study found that hot drinks work like a natural remedy, providing quick, lasting relief from runny noses, coughing, sore throats, and fatigue.
Why it works
Like a warm summer rain, hot water creates steam that helps clear sinus congestion, while its pacifying warmth relaxes the gastrointestinal and digestive muscles. In fact, a small study showed that warm water worked wonders for patients recovering from surgery, improving their comfort and digestive health.
Warm or hot water can also literally melt away stress, as long as temperatures are kept comfortably warm: water above 160°F can scald your esophagus or damage your taste buds.
When to avoid certain water temperatures
This goes beyond personal preference.Photo Credit: Maurício Mascaro/Pexels
- Migraines. Do not drink cold water! Research from 2001 found that the refreshing drink can trigger—or even exacerbate—headaches in those who are already prone to them.
- Achalasia. If your esophagus is compromised, cold water can worsen symptoms. Try swapping in warm water instead, which can help soothe and relax the lower esophageal sphincter.
- Hot, sweaty days. Surprisingly, despite what old wives’ tales might say, warm water can actually make you feel less thirsty, which registered dietician Vanessa Rissetto warns "can be dangerous on days when your body is losing water through sweating to try to keep cool."
We all know drinking water is important, but just as a garden thrives with the right care at the right time, you can optimize and customize that all-essential water you drink throughout the day. Whether that’s out of a Stanley tumbler, Owala water bottle, or Yeti flask, is up to you.
This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.
Not all heroes wear capes. Some wear a bonnet and PJs.
While we often think of test day as purely a stressful day for students, teachers definitely feel the pressure too. Just take middle school teacher Sarah Ashley Winans’ word for it.
Winans recently went viral on TikTok after sharing a video of herself entering the school she works at in the middle of the night, decked out in her pajamas and a bonnet. No, this wasn’t a bizarre episode of sleepwalking—Winans woke up from her pre-test day slumber and realized she had forgotten to plug in her computer charging cart that would be vital for students to take the exam.
Luckily, the crisis was somewhat easily averted. In the clip we see her hop out of her car, unlock the building, walk down the hall and into her classroom, and in two seconds flat she comes out flashing an “all is well” peace sign to the security camera. Phew.
@misswinans_teach Test taking anxiety isn’t just for the kids. Mind you…this was at 10:15 p.m. 🫠🫠 #itsfineimfineeverythingsfine #viralvideo #teachersoftiktok #teachertok #middleschoolteacher #teacherlife #teacherhumor #middleschool #fyp #trending #sendhelp #whyamilikethis
“Test anxiety isn’t just for kids,” her caption read.
In an interview with Today, Winans shared how this test anxiety comes from a place of wanting all her students to feel at ease. "I don't really sleep the week of testing, because I want them to be OK, and I want them to feel confident, not to be nervous and worried. I know testing can really put a lot of pressure on people."
Sarah Ashley Winans. Courtesy of Sarah Ashley Winans
Down in the comments, people really felt for Winans’ plight.
"I just know you were stress texting your principal,” one person wrote. Another echoed, "Yall know she was (on the phone) with someone bc she was scared to death."
Indeed, Winans did call her administrator before making her adventure to the school (luckily only a five minute drive away), and that was actually how she got this hilarious footage. "She let me look at it, and then I said, 'I have to record it,'" Winans told the outlet
Viewers who were not feeling secondhand anxiety just chimed in with pure appreciation.
“This is so Janine coded,” one person wrote, referencing Quinta Brunson's character in Abbott Elementary.
Janine from Abbott Elementary. media.giphy.com
“Not all heroes wear capes, they’re in bonnets plugging in the chromebook cart at 10pm,” quipped another.
Still another said, “Just so you know, you’re an amazing teacher because WHO would go late at night when you’re already in your jammies? You’re awesome.”
Following the huge response to her video, Winans told Today, that she hopes it humanizes teachers a bit and reminds folks they aren’t perfect, but still do everything they can to provide for their students.
"This is just something we do. Teachers, you make mistakes, and you forget to do things and, I mean, you just do what you have to do to make sure your kids are successful. And I was just doing my job."
So, in addition to providing education, therapy, and mentorship, teachers also have to do a little recovery missions from time to time. That’s just reason #509 why they deserve more.
As a new school year is well underway, Winans seems to be doing just fine as she's posted videos of her classroom redesign project and an adorable fit check.
@misswinans_teach A little ootd to get the week started😂😂 #teachersoftiktok #viralvideo #teachertok #middleschoolteacher #ootd
She certainly looks well rested!
This article originally appeared in May. It has been updated.