A Humorous How-To Guide For Dads Who Want To Talk To Their Sons About Women

Humor is one of my very favorite things. Women's rights is a very important topic. The two together? Perfection.

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Son: Roar! Roar! Why are we fighting!? Roar!

Father: Son, son, can you put those down for a second? I'd like to talk to you. Son, I want to talk to you about how to treat women.

Son: Shouldn't mom be talking to me about this?

Father: Fathers need to do a better job about talking about these things with their sons and I'm going to try.

Son: Okay, Dad.

Father: And, I know you're only 7, but let's assume you're 29.

Son: Sounds good, father.

Father: If you ask a woman out and she says no, what do you do?

Son: Well, I go home and listen to Radiohead to the bends over and over again.

Father: You could do that, sure, and do you think that the woman owes you anything?

Son: The only thing owed to me is my allowance. Those dishes didn't wash themselves!

Father: I'm glad you answered that way, son. There's been a lot of talk about women's rights recently. There are some men who believe that women have too much power because they can choose whether or not to have sex. Therefore, they control procreation. These same men like to blame women for being raped, saying it's the clothes that they wear, or it's their fault for being mugged while they're walking home alone.

Son: But I don't get it! How are those things her fault? And, isn't it a woman's right to choose who she has sex with?

Father: It's a woman's God given right to choose whether or not she has sex and men need to be better about respecting that. We may not ever truly know what a woman goes through, but we should at least listen and try.

Son: Are these men upset they can't get a date? So, instead of looking in a mirror and being reflective upon themselves, they just do the easy thing and blame everyone else?

Father: Definitely, son. And between the struggle for women to be paid as equally as men along with the constant argument about whether a woman should have the right to choose whether or not she should do what she wants to with her body, safe to say that women are pretty frustrated these days.

Son: Wait, why would they not have complete control over their own bodies?

Father: Well son, some people and politicians think that they should pass laws telling women what she can and can't do with her body. Meanwhile, they shout about big government whenever you talk about messing with taxes.

Son: Isn't it a greater example of big business trying to dictate what goes on in someone's private bedroom?

Father: Well, you'd think so.

Son: That's pretty messed up, Dad.

Father: You know what's more messed up? The fact that we're having to talk about this. It's 2014 and women are still having to argue for equal rights because of narrow-minded misogynistic men.

Son: Dad, is it safe to say that women just aren't into dudes that anonymously complain on Internet forums all day, claim to be the best guys in the world, but don't really listen, and don't try to be good guys and just act like all around douche nozzles?

Father: Son, I think that would be the safest thing to say. Good talk. Honey! Our son's not a douche nozzle! Also, I just learned a new word! Douche nozzle! Ha, ha, ha!

I wanted to talk to you about Michael Sam. Do you know who that is?

Son: No.

Father: Well, he's a football player that was just drafted into the NFL and a lot of people are really upset . . .

There may be small errors in this transcript.

Heck Bender created this video, "How to Talk to Your Kids About #YesAllWomen." You can follow them on Facebook.

Jul 14, 2014

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