4 Things About Race That You Will Find Funny Instead Of Overwhelmingly Depressing

All aboard the Race in America Express! Next stop, New Perspective Town, USA (population: I hope everyone)! You’ll mostly laugh; you’ll occasionally go, "hmm"; and you’ll become a better earthling after each viewing. Because this is a full-on vacation package, you get four new perspectives for the price of one click (of the "Play" button).

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Man 1: Recent remarks from Donald Sterling has shed light on an ugly but prevalent topic in sports. Racism.

man 2: And that's why we're banding together to create the No Foul Coalition. An alliance who's only goal is to eradicate racism in professional sports and we need your help.

Native American: As a proud native american, I support this endeavor...

Man 3: Keep it going, pass the ball.

Native American: What?

Man 3: Pass the ball. As a proud Mexican american sports fan, I support this endeavor. The sports world has long ignored the pervasive sting of racism. It's time for a change.

Native American: Uh . . .

Man 3: As a proud Mexican american sports fan, I support this endeavor. The sports world has long ignored the pervasive sting of racism. It's time for a change.

Thanks to our efforts, Donald Sterling is now banded from the NBA, but we can't stop there. There's still the regime cognitos and Willy Coopers of the world.

Native American: Right and let's start by changing racist team names like the Washington Redskins, the Kansas City Chiefs, the Chicago Black Hawks ...

man 1: Thanks, player.

Native American: What? Seriously?

It wasn't that long ago that we as a nation had to fight, protest and march for our civil rights. A fight we must continue today.

Woman 1: We call upon all Americans to join No Foul and our quest to end racism in sports. Forever.

Native American: Just throw it, I have important things to say. Why doesn't anyone care? Come on.

Man 3: To find out more look us up at www . . .

Native American: What other race is a mascot? Huh? Why is it just us?

Man 4: No Foul Coa . . .

Native American: Come on, guys. I'm a part of this.


Woman 1: Because together....

Everyone: We will not be ignored.

Native American: Why did you guys even bring me down here?

The No Foul Coalition where every voice matters. Almost.

Native American: Yes, this is racist. Kansas City Chiefs. Atlanta Braves, yep.

Woman 1: This is pretty.

Woman 2: So unless you've been on vacation or are completely disconnected from the internet, you've heard the Team Z leaked phone call from the clippers owner Donald Sterling to his girlfriend about this picture she posed with Magic Johnson on Instagram.


Aamer Rahman: A lot of people don't like my comedy. A lot of white people don't like my comedy. A lot of white people say this to me. "Hey, Aamer." "Hey." "You get on stage. You making jokes about white people. You're saying white people this. White people that. What if I did something like that, huh? What if I got on stage and I said, 'Yeah, black people are like this. Muslims are like that.' You'd probably call me a racist, wouldn't you?" And I say, "Yeah. Yeah, I would. You should never do that. That's bad for your health." They're like, "Well, you do that, Aamer. You do that. You get on stage. You're making jokes about white people. Don't you think that's a kind of racism? Don't you think that's reverse racism?" I said, "No, I don't think that's reverse racism," not because I think reverse racism doesn't exist, right?

If you ask some black American people, they'll tell you flat out there's no such thing as reverse racism. I don't agree with that. I think there is such a thing as reverse racism, and I could be a reverse racist if I wanted to. All I would need would be a time machine, right? And what I'd do is I'd get in my time machine, I'd go back in time to before Europe colonized the world, right? And I'd convince the leaders of Africa, Asia and Middle East, Central and South America to invade and colonize Europe, right? Just occupy them, steal their land and resources, set up some kind of like, I don't know, trans-Asian slave trade where we exported white people to work on giant rice plantations in China. Just ruin Europe over the course of a couple of centuries so all their descendants would want to migrate out and live in the places where black and brown people come from.

Of course, in that time, I'd make sure I set up systems that privileged black and brown people at every conceivable socio-political and economic opportunity. The white people would never have any hope of real self-determination. Just every couple of decades, make up some fake war as an excuse to go and bomb them back to the stone age and say it's for their own good because their culture's inferior. And just for kicks, subject white people to colored people's standards of beauty and end up hating the color of their own skin, eyes, and hair. If after hundreds and hundreds and hundreds of years of that, I got on stage at a comedy show and said, "Hey, what's the deal with white people? Why can't they dance?" That would be reverse racism.

Melbourne, thank you. You've been great. Good night.


[Transcript Pending]


Hey, so where are you from again?
No, where are you really from?
Oh my God, like, how do you eat with a fork and knife? It's so hard. I could never do that.
Your English is great. Were you adopted?
So how come you only hang out with other white people?
You must be really bad at math.
Come on guys, don't you have trouble telling white people apart? Like, I can't tell you guys apart.
Hey, look at me, I'm white.
You know, you're so unlucky you're white because your people are just naturally fat.
Do you have a normal name too or just your white name?
Are your parents like super white?
Hey, do you watch "How I Met Your Mother?" I am so into white culture.
I love white accents. "Hey, I eat cheese."
You know, I've been really into western religions lately. Like, I love how they're so angry and uptight, you know? I decorated my whole house in crosses. Whose hungry?
You're Italian? I love pasta. Mm, a pizza pie. A pizza pie.
Your parents must have been super not strict. Did you just do whatever you wanted?
Oh my god, two forks! That would look totally cute in my hair!
I just love dating white guys because they're so large and overbearing.
Hey, you know I'm really into white girls. Just white girls. Hey, where are you going? Come on. Come on. I bet you're really opinionated. Probably a little dumb.
I have like kind of round eyes, so I'm practically white.

There may be small errors in this transcript.

Some of us folks at Upworthy put together this snazzy playlist so you can have that “set it and forget it” vibe right in the comfort of this webpage. The four videos in here feature the magical All Def Digital (individually written up on Upworthy here), Aamer Rahman (here on Upworthy), Hari Kondabolu (it’s right here on Upworthy), and the hilars BuzzFeed Yellow’s video (boom, it’s up on Upworthy here).

See what we did there? We saw what you liked, so we put all these great individual pieces together into one delightful layer cake of racism-defusing, laughter-inducing watchiness for you.

Jul 04, 2014

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