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Parenting coach shares 5 reasons why effective parents never yell at their kids

"Every time you yell, your kids don't listen."

via Canva/Photos

Mom and dad yelling at their kid.

There is a natural progression for most parents when their children refuse to listen, especially when it’s 8:30 am, and you’re getting ready to go to school. It goes like this: “Grace, please put on your shoes.” If that doesn’t work, we get a little more stern, “Put. On. Your. Shoes.” But when they don’t seem to listen the third time, many of us raise the pitch of our voice and scream, “PUT ON YOUR SHOES, NOW!” Then, we feel ashamed, like we lost control, but in the moment, we didn’t know what to do.

Unfortunately, according to Olivia Bergeron, LCSW, PMH-C, yelling at our kids is harmful to their mental health and development. It also isn’t an effective tactic to get children to listen. Once you begin the cycle of going from gentle reminders that aren’t heeded to screaming, you’ve set a new bassline, and kids will wait until you start yelling to know you mean business. This, in turn, creates a home where children are more likely to develop anxiety, depression, stress, and other emotional issues.

Is it ok to yell at my child?

Bergeron is a psychotherapist, parent coach, and founder of Mommy Groove Therapy & Parent Coaching to help New York City parents navigate the changes that come with having a child. Recently, she created a video on TikTok that provides five reasons why yelling at your children teaches them not to listen to you and to act out.

@parentingcoach

😳😳5 things that happen when you yell at your kids that teach them to listen less and act out more Trust me you NEED TO LISTEN if you yell! JOIN ME UPCOMING TRAINING ➡️ LINK ON HOMEPAGE #parenting #positivediscipline #parentingcoach #motherhood #parentingtips #momlife #parenthood #consciousparenting #parentingishard #parentingskills #positiveparenting

1. They stop listening to gentle reminders

“When you yell, the boundary you set is ‘Do not listen to me until I yell. I can ask 92 times I can give reminders, I could be gentle, I could be nice. But you don't need to listen until I yell.’ The boundary you have set is that when you yell, your kids need to motivate.”

2. You start a power struggle

“Every time you yell, you decrease your child's connection and power. This takes away their emotional needs on their road map which makes them act out more and listen less to try and gain back that connection and gain back that power.”



3. They don’t listen when you yell

“Every time you yell, your kids don't listen. They don't listen. They don't hear you. They will not listen to the yelling because they're just in trouble again. They're just being punished again, ‘What now? Who cares? I don’t care.’ They lose that sense of security and trust with you because they feel like you don't care.”

4. Increased push back

“Your kids will push back more and dig their heels in because you're taking away power, and you're overpowering them when they yell, and they want to feel in control, too. They do not want to feel overpowered.”

5. They’ll feel unloved

“Your kids are going to feel like they need to power back because they are feeling so small, and they are feeling like you don't love them, and they're always in trouble, and they can't do anything right. Because every time you yell, you cause blame, shame, and pain, and it teaches them that.”

The first step in changing a habit is realizing it no longer works for us. Bergeron’s advice is a good reminder to examine how our kids react when we ask them something, whether we do so in a quiet or loud voice. Once it’s clear that yelling is no longer effective, you can look for new ways to address your kids when you have a request. You may find that the gentle, easy way of doing it is more effective than the loud and harsh approach.



parenting and children
Pop Culture

Collector finds locks of hair in a book from the 1800s and then discovers who the people were

Why did people save hair in the 1800s?

via Wikimedia Commons.

A lock of hair, reputedly from King George III.

In modern times we memorialize our loved ones by saving old photographs, holding onto their jewelry, or keeping their ashes in an urn. But, according to Artsy, before we had photographs of people to remember them by, people often saved their hair.

It was impossible to save someone’s rotting flesh before modern preservation techniques were developed, plus it’s pretty disgusting. So hair was the only part of the body that one could keep. Human hair can retain its color and texture for years after someone has passed, so it's a durable material to turn into remembrance art.

“The keeping and saving of hair for future use in jewelry or other commemorative craft (such as wreaths) was common,” Karen Bachmann wrote, according to Artsy. The practice was common in Victorian England and it was brought across the pond to America’s frontier.

Hair art.

via Wikimedia Commons

“The Victorians were also famously sentimental,” Joanna Ebenstein, founder of New York’s Morbid Anatomy Library and Gift Shop told Artsy. “Hair art, which could be used to commemorate the living or dead beloved, perfectly merges the fashion for mourning and sentimentality."

TikTok user Christina Dyer, who runs The Dyer Ghoul House, which specializes in gothic content, went viral recently after a video she shared on the platform received more than 1.9 million views. The video shows her opening a book from the 1800s that she had purchased, only to find around eight folded pieces of paper with names and dates containing pieces of hair.

"I pretty much have a whole family!" Dyer wrote in a subsequent video.

@thedyerghoulhouse

Question is what do i do with them? 🫣 #victorianhair #victorianmourning

A lot of people thought the hair was taken for nefarious reasons. "Me thinking it’s trophies from a serial killer in the 1800s," ultraoldsoul commented.

However, multiple people remarked that it was a common practice for people to save their loved ones’ hair and turn it into a keepsake. "That was a common thing to do in that times, to preserve that person's memory, or they gifted a piece of their hair as a sign of affection," Jennifer Marie commented.

After the video went viral, Dyer shared another one showing what she planned to do with the hair. “I was drawn to a lock of the mother's hair, so of course I framed it," Dyer wrote. In the video, she shares a frame with "Mother 1862" written on it. "Now I need to decide what to do with the others," she adds.

@thedyerghoulhouse

Replying to @she_horror Update! 🕊 #victorianmourning #victorianhair

After finding the hair, Dyer did some research and discovered the names of three of the people whose hair was in the book.

"Here are three of the people whose hair I found inside the antique book," she wrote in a follow-up video. The good news was that they all lived long lives for the era. “Walter died aged 78, Constance 77, and Lawrence 57. If my sources are correct!” she wrote.

@thedyerghoulhouse

Replying to @elviratsquirrel Constance is a beauty. 🕊 #victorianmourning #victorianera #victorianhair

It’s tantalizing to wonder if the people whose hair she found have any idea where their last mortal remains turned up. However, they probably would have a really hard time understanding the internet and what it means to “go viral.”

The wonderful thing is that—although some may find it a bit morbid—Dyer is treating the hair with respect, just as the person who placed it in the book intended. Plus, it’s always wise to curry favor with the dead.

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Business

'Keep yourself on mute': Woman calls out man for 'degrading' her in a work meeting

via DirectedByBrini/TikTok

Sabrina Lassuegue was not going to allow a man to railroad her presentation.

Twenty-year-old Sabrina Lassegue started a production company two years ago and is already well versed in the obstacles she faces as a young woman in media. She spends a lot of her time working with mentors who teach her how to handle older people in the industry, especially men, who refuse to listen to her.

"I knew as a young woman I wasn't going to be taken seriously,” she said on TikTok. “So I practice all the time and I'm lucky to have wonderful mentors in the industry who have helped me find ways to respectfully get my point across and turn the table back around, to me, in a meeting.”

Lassegue was recently hired by a brand to make a commercial for a feminine product. While presenting her idea to the company the brand uses for marketing, a man was very disrespectful to her.

"He claimed I didn’t understand the audience and attempted to tell me what women wanted to hear,” she told BuzzFeed. “He had his own agenda and wanted a chance to pitch himself to create a commercial for the brand. He began to shut down every idea I had without hearing them out or would take everything I had said previously and repeat it back as he stumbled his way through my original phrases."

Lassegue repeatedly asked the man to stop interrupting her so another female teammate joined in and asked him to respect her wishes. After that, the man said, “The problem with you women is…” and Lassegue had enough.

To document the disrespect, she pulled out her phone and recorded herself telling the man off.

@directedbybrini

Visit TikTok to discover videos!

"No. No…please keep yourself on mute. No, I'm actually not done speaking, so while I respect your ability to talk on and on, my ears actually do have a limit,” Lassegue said. “I find it extremely disrespectful and degrading that you felt a need to not only interrupt my entire presentation but also repeat back to me what I had just offered to the table."

She posted the video on TikTok to show the world what young women have to deal with in media and the video has been played more than 12 million times. It has also received an incredible amount of positive feedback from women who’ve had to deal with the same thing.

"Ah yes, I've been in video production for over 20 years now. This happens daily! I have my own company now and work only with women," Melissa said.

"Men do this so much. They stop you in the middle of a sentence, and then proceed to explain what you were just explaining,” another TikTok user said.

"This is the most concise professional DESTRUCTION and I am in awe," Meredith wrote.

After the video went viral, the company and the man who was rude to her both apologized to Lassegue. The company is setting up another meeting so that Lassegue can present her ideas without disruption.

The disruptive man has been taken off the project.

This video is wonderful for two reasons. First, it presents a great example of how women can clearly and professionally tell a man to stop being disrespectful in meetings. Second, it’s an example for companies to learn how not to treat women in meetings.

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Culture

Man's festive cover of Radiohead's 'Creep' is great, but not what anyone expected

via Rhysics/TikTok

Rhysics Radiohead cover.

A member of the Sydney, Australia band Rhysics has pulled the ultimate "Mariah-roll" by singing Carey's 1994 Christmas megahit "All I Want for Christmas Is You" over Radiohead's 1994 self-loathing anthem, "Creep."

On Monday, musician Jordan Siwek posted a TikTok video of him playing an instrumental version of "Creep" on the piano and invited people to sing it with him on the app. "Creep! Duet with Me!" he wrote.

The member of the Rhysics responded by posting a video that began with the ultimate misdirection. He says that every guy in their 20s and 30s knows "all the words by heart" to the song and then instead of singing "Creep" belts out "All I Want for Christmas Is You."

@rhysics_

#duet with @pianojordan It's so nice when people remember about this song every 12 months or so :) #mariahcarey #alliwantforchristmas

The interesting thing about the mashup is that the music to "Creep" and "All I Want for Christmas Is You" is actually pretty similar. Both have similar chord progressions that move from G to versions of B to C and then, the catcher here is the switch to C minor.

Both songs do the C to C minor switch at the same time, "Christmas" in the first verse on the word "underneath" and "Creep" on the word "cry." Notice that both songs suddenly get melancholy when the chord flips from major to minor. It's a jarring change, one that The Beatles used more than a few times.

While the member of the Rhysics' vocal performance does a great job at bridging the gap between both songs, this isn't the first someone has made a "Creep" and "All I Want for Christmas Is You" mashup.

In 2019, William Maranci made a mashup of the two songs by splicing Thom Yorke's vocal over Carey's music.

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