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heterosexuality

Men's Health

A therapist is blowing minds by explaining how men can have sex with men and still be straight

"When straight men have sex with men, it's not a gay thing. It's a guy thing."

via Pexels and @drjoekort / TikTok

Gay sex and relationships therapist Dr. Joe Kort is causing a stir on TikTok where he explains why straight men who have sex with men can still be considered straight. If a man has sex with a man doesn't it ultimately make him gay or bisexual?

According to Kort, there can be a big chasm between our sexual and romantic orientations.

"Straight men can be attracted to the sex act, but not to the man. Straight men having sex with men doesn't cancel somebody's heterosexuality any more than a straight woman having sex with a woman cancels her [heterosexuality]," he says in the video.

@drjoekort #Straightmen can be with a man and still be straight #malesexuality #kinktiktok #sexualfluidity
♬ bee - Burbank

Kort says he isn't erasing bisexuality, but that it's an entirely different phenomenon from straight men who have sex with men. Bisexual men are attracted to both men and women romantically, but straight men who have sex with other men, are only into the sex, not the person.

"When straight men have sex with men, it's not a gay thing. It's a guy thing," he explains in a later video.

For the man who has sex with other men and considers himself straight, it's more about getting off than getting close.

The video has had a lot of negative comments, most saying that men who have sex with men are gay or bisexual, case-closed. "Can I eat steak and still be vegan?" one commenter asks.

Many also accused Kort of being mildly homophobic for giving straight men the option to have gay sex without having to confront the notion they may be gay or bisexual.

Kort's videos point out the seldom-discussed idea that sexual and romantic attraction are not the same thing. Then, by adding the twist that someone can be into sex with a certain gender without feeling any romantic pull, makes things even more confusing.

@drjoekort There's a #difference between your #attraction and your #fantasies #lesbians #women #straightmen #lgbt
♬ Up Beat (Married Life) - Kenyi

The type of men that Kort describes could be aroused by another man sexually, but wouldn't feel comfortable or have any interest in being emotionally intimate with them. In fact, the emotional intimacy with another man may make them uncomfortable. It's just sex for sex's sake and what's wrong with that?

This same type of man may enjoy fantasizing about gay sex or watching gay pornography while having little interest in actually performing the act in real life.

Kort further explained his thoughts in a subsequent video.

"When I'm talking about straight men who sleep with men, I'm talking about a difference between who you're attracted to and what fantasies you have in your head. You have a sexual orientation and an erotic orientation," he says.

"And the things that are embedded in your erotic orientation that turn you on, that bring you to the finish line, can include other genders. You can imagine yourself being another gender," he continues.

Kort does a great job at explaining the difference between romantic and sexual attraction and that, for some, it spans gender. It may also help some men who are only into guys sexually and are unsure why they have zero romantic interest in someone, feel a little less confused.

This article originally appeared on 3.2.21

From Your Site Articles

LGBTQ

Simply put, sexuality is complicated.

In 1948, famed American sexologist Alfred Kinsey and his colleagues published "Sexual Behavior in the Human Male."The book includedthe Heterosexual-Homosexual Rating Scale, more commonly known as the "Kinsey Scale." Based on their subjects' sexual histories, Kinsey's team made a scale from 0 to 6, with 0 being exclusively heterosexual, 6 exclusively homosexual, and 3 being equal parts of the two.

Demonstrators march for marriage equality in Mexico City. Photo by Yuri Cortez/AFP/Getty Images.

People have learned a lot about sexuality since then, and we've had a sexual revolution for good measure. There are plenty of identities, orientations, and lived experiences other than homosexuality and heterosexuality. All are unique and valid. But the Kinsey reports forever changed the way we look at sexuality, so the idea that it's is a straight line or continuum persists. This explains why it's relatively common to hear people, on the topic of sexuality, say, "Everyone is a little bisexual."

Usually, the speaker's intentions aren't malicious, but that doesn't mean their words are harmless.

Perpetuating this myth erases the countless people who identify as bisexual or pansexual, orientations in their own right. Bisexuality is not simply the midway point between homosexual and heterosexual. Bisexual people have unique experiences, concerns, and issues that deserve to be talked about, addressed, and researched. If "everyone is a little bisexual," those issues are easy to overlook and erase, and that's not the only reason it's problematic.

A scene from the Mexico City Pride Parade. The signs read "Mom, I'm pansexual" and "Mom, I'm bisexual." Photo by Alfredo Estrella/AFP/Getty Images.

The M. Slade comic below was originally published on Everyday Feminism. It perfectly explains why, "Everyone is a little bit bisexual," often does more harm than good.

Comic by M. Slade originally published on "Everyday Feminism."

This doesn't mean you can't be supportive. Here's what you can do instead.

Listen.

Like Slade said in the comic, "It's not your place to find a label for your friend." If your friend, colleague, or family member comes to you with complicated feelings, your first responsibility is to be a compassionate listener. Just be a good friend. Close your mouth and open your heart. If you insist on speaking, "I'm here for you, whatever you need," is a good place to start.

Photo by WOCinTech Chat/Flickr.

Do your homework.

Seek out LGBTQ writers, authors, and podcasters for first person essays, novels, articles, and interviews. These are simple but effective ways to learn more about someone else's lived experience and provide some insight into communities that aren't always represented on TV, in film, or even on the news.

Photo by WOCinTech Chat/Flickr.

Be an active ally.

Being an ally is good, but being an active one is better. It's not enough to fave a tweet or change your profile picture on Facebook. Do your part to signal boost voices that often get ignored, like trans women of color and LGBT people with disabilities. March, write your legislators, and volunteer or support organizations already doing the work. Don't just tell your friends and family how much you care, show them.

Demonstrators pushed for President Obama to stand up for LGBT rights at a 2009 protest. Photo by Brendan Smialowski/Getty Images.

Yes, sexuality is complicated. Being a decent person is easy.

Keep listening, keep learning, and never stop doing your part to encourage inclusivity.

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heterosexuality

A therapist is blowing minds by explaining how men can have sex with men and still be straight

"When straight men have sex with men, it's not a gay thing. It's a guy thing."

No, everyone isn't 'a little bisexual.' Here's why we need to stop saying that.

Simply put, sexuality is complicated.

Usually, the speaker's intentions aren't malicious, but that doesn't mean their words are harmless.

This doesn't mean you can't be supportive. Here's what you can do instead.

Yes, sexuality is complicated. Being a decent person is easy.

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