+
“A balm for the soul”
  review on Goodreads
GOOD PEOPLE Book
upworthy

gender nonconforming

Family

‘Against their beliefs’: Parents won't let daughter go to boy’s Taylor Swift birthday party

“Like what religion is out here saying, ‘Thou shalt not listen to Taylor Swift?’”

via Jolene Dolo (used with permission)

Popular TikTokker Jolene Dolo.

A TikTok video by the mother of a gender non-conforming son is a masterclass in refusing to be baited into a confrontation, no matter how tempting it may be. It all started when TikTokker Jolene Dolo’s 8-year-old son, Sam, sent out invitations to his Taylor Swift-themed birthday party.

Jolene told Upworthy that Sam doesn’t have a favorite Swift song, but his favorite album is “Lovers.”

“My 8-year-old Sam is having a Taylor Swift birthday party, and yesterday I received a text message from a parent of a child who was invited letting us know that their child will not be attending because it is against their beliefs,” Jolene began.

“I'm not exactly sure what belief system you have, like what religion is out here saying, ‘Thou shalt not listen to Taylor Swift?’” she continued.


Even though Taylor Swift is probably the closest thing to being America's Sweetheart, a quick search on the internet reveals she is a threat to some with extreme religious and political views.

Top 5 Taylor Swift conspiracy theories:

1. She’s secretly a queer woman in love with model Karlie Kloss.

2. She’s working to swing the election for Joe Biden.

3. She’s a Pentagon psychological operative manipulating the minds of Americans.

4. Her success as an unmarried businesswoman in her 30s is a bad example for girls and young women.

5. She performs witchcraft on stage.

Even if the parents aren’t conspiracy theorists, they may think that an 8-year-old boy having a Taylor Swift party is wrong because young boys shouldn’t be into “girly” things.

@jolenedolo

They are allowed to have their beliefs and i’m allowed to have feelsing about their beliefs. I didnt try to change their mind, i just wanted to talk about it on MY page. Tha ks for listening ❤️ #taylorswift #gendercreativeparenting #taylorswiftparty

After reading the cryptic text, Jolene and her husband could easily have let curiosity get the best of them and asked the parents why a Taylor Swift-themed birthday party was against their beliefs. But they were strong and didn’t take the bait.

"Me and my husband talked about it and we decided that their text message seemed a little confrontational because they could have just said 'No, thank you, we will not be attending.' It seemed like they probably wanted a response from us and we didn't want to give them what they wanted," Jolene said.

Further, the declined invitation was better for everyone involved. Who wants someone at a Taylor Swift party who doesn’t like her or what she may or may not stand for? “We do not want anybody coming to our party who is going to be feeling uncomfortable or making us feel uncomfortable so you know it's a good thing,” Jolene continued.

On a deeper level, the story touches on an important topic. Why is it okay for young girls to look up to men, but young men can’t look up to women? No one would bat an eye if a young girl had a Jonas Brothers-themed birthday party, but many people are shocked by a young boy loving Taylor Swift.

“Are little girls not allowed to listen to male artists, or is it just like certain male artists who give off like, masculine vibes? Because I've always found it kind of weird that we don't want boys liking women like that or looking up to women. What's the problem in boys liking women?” Jolene asked.

The TikTokker believes the double standard is rooted in misogyny. “Society tends to see women as weaker or less than men, so a boy looking up to a woman is essentially below him in their eyes,” Jolene told Upworthy. “That's why most people wouldn’t bat an eye at a girl who likes Spider-Man or had a Harry Styles-themed birthday. Meanwhile, boys are shamed for even participating in women-dominated hobbies and interests.”

The good news is that, in the end, the party went off without a hitch and the decorations were fabulous.

@jolenedolo

Taylor swift birthday party for my 8 year old son #taylorswift #taylorswiftparty #gendercreativeparenting

Taylor swift birthday party for my 8 year old son #taylorswift #taylorswiftparty #gendercreativeparenting

These colorful, bold portraits aren't just artwork — they're powerful declarations of courage and strength.

The Trans Life & Liberation Art Series is in direct response and opposition to the harassment, violence, and legislative oppression transgender people encounter each day.

Trans visual artists from around the country are paired with trans leaders and organizers active in the equality movement to create colorful, vibrant portraits.


Portrait by Luna Merbruja and Micah Bezant, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

The project highlights people within the margins of the already marginalized transgender community, including trans women of color, trans people with disabilities, and incarcerated trans people of color.

Each colorful portrait tells a story and serves as an empowering living tribute.

Sadly, the living piece is all too important.

Transgender people, particularly trans women and femmes of color, are victims of violence and murder at an alarming rate. In 2015, more than 21 trans people were murdered. And there have already been 16 murders in 2016.

A youth activist lights candles at a vigil. Photo by Dondi Tawatao/Getty Images.

"It's about documenting our own stories, and creating our own herstories," participant LaSaia Wade said in a promotional video about the project.

Since February 2016, a new portrait has been shared each week on social media.

Here are nine more of these beautiful pieces. See their portraits, read their names and stories, and honor the work of those on the front lines of the movement.

1. Longtime advocate and activist LaSaia Wade hopes to open her own cafe to provide jobs for transgender and gender-nonconforming people.

Portrait by LaSaia Wade and Micah Bazant, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

2. Educator and researcher Malcolm Shanks is a lead trainer at Race Forward and studies historical anti-oppression movements to inform their activism.

Portrait by Malcolm Shanks and Edxie Betts, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

3. Native trans and two-spirit elder Rickie Blue-Sky is a tireless advocate and educator despite being incarcerated for the past 33 years in a women's prison.

Portrait by Rickie Blue-Sky and Micah Bazant, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

4. Micky Bradford is a transfemme organizer and co-founder of Southern Fried Queer Pride.

Her portrait shows her voguing next to the police to protest North Carolina's hateful "bathroom bill."

Portrait by Micky Bradford and Micah Bazant, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

5. Isa Noyola is a trans Latina activist supporting LGBT immigrants.

"We have for many years waited for people to get it together and develop a language and consciousness around trans communities, and we no longer can wait. We no longer can wait for other people to get it together," Noyola told the Trans Life & Liberation Project.

Portrait by Isa Noyola and Micah Bazant, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

6. Janetta Johnson is an organizer and facilitator working to decolonize spaces and end violence against the transgender and gender-nonconfirming community.

Portrait by Janetta Johnson and Micah Bazant, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

7. Kiyan Williams is a performance artist and storyteller. They travel across the country using movement to explore history and identity.

Portrait by Kiyan (Kiki) Williams and Micah Bazant, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

8. HIV educator and minister Tanesh Watson Nutall splits her time between the San Francisco AIDS Foundation, the City of Refuge-United Church of Christ, and her five grandchildren.

Portrait by Tanesh Watson Nutall and Matice Moore used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

9. Ky Peterson defended himself during a vicious attack, and he's been in prison ever since.

When a stranger brutally attacked and sexually assaulted him in 2011, Ky Peterson fired a fatal shot at his attacker.

Though the rape kit showed signs of an attack and Georgia has a "stand your ground" law, Ky was advised to take a plea deal and is serving 20 years in a women's prison. Only in February 2016 did he begin receiving transition-related medical care.

The Trans Life & Liberation Project worked with Ky, his partner, and different social justice organizations to time the release of his portrait with a social media campaign and a petition for his release. Through #Justice4Ky, thousands of new people have heard about his case, and over 4,600 have signed the petition for his release and parole.

Portrait by Ky Peterson and Micah Bazant, used with permission from the Trans Life & Liberation Art Series.

As emotional, beautiful, and heart-wrenching as these stories are, they're just the beginning.

"We, especially as young trans people, often feel like we have to go through life alone," artist and participant Noah Jenkins said in the promotional video. "But projects like this, that uplift our voices and center our stories and our narratives, they remind us that we do have that strength, and we deserve to feel it."

That's why the team behind the project is crowdsourcing funds to keep the project going.

The money will be used to expand the project, as artists and participants are paid for their time and talent. Later this year, the group hopes to print a coloring book and a limited-edition full-color art book. They're also planning a gallery exhibition and panel discussion in Oakland, California, this winter.

Participant Juniper Cordova-Goff said it best: "This visual movement is revolutionary, empowering, and, yes, because of our people, beautiful."

More

What happened when this kid wore a dress to his grandma's funeral.

"I want to wear a dress. That's how Nana would want me," C.J. declared.

When my mother, Nana, died on Memorial Day, we immediately started planning her Celebration of Life.

Mostly, it felt better to be actively doing something as opposed to sitting immobilized unable to do anything. And those were our only two options.

As we began planning, my brother Michael, my husband Matt, and I explained the event's significance to my sons, C.J. and Chase. "What are we going to wear to the Celebration of Life?" C.J. asked immediately, because even when grieving, he's concerned about fashion.


"I'm wearing a tie," said 12-year-old Chase, who loves any excuse to wear a tie.

"I want to be a girl at Nana's Celebration of Life. I want to wear a dress. That's how Nana would want me," 8-year-old C.J. declared. He asked if we could go shopping. I promised him we would.

Baby C.J. and Nana. All photos provided by the author, used with permission.

"Will everyone at the Celebration of Life know that I'm gender nonconforming?" he asked.

"No." I waited for the usual self-editing and deep consideration about his gender expression around new people to begin.

As C.J. explains it, he's a boy who likes "girl things" and "girl clothes" and wants to be treated like a girl, all while preferring masculine pronouns and his male body. We say that he's gender variant or gender nonconforming, and he floats on the gender variation spectrum from super-macho-masculine on the left, all the way to super-girly-feminine on the right.

"I don't care," he said. "I'm wearing a dress."

"That sounds good," we said.

C.J. could have said he was going to dress up like a dragon or be a dandelion, and we would have said it sounded good.

The sudden death of a loved one puts things into perspective, and the Celebration of Life would be casual, loving, and accepting, just like Nana was.

Every day that week, C.J. pressured me to take him shopping for a new dress, and every day, I told him that we needed to wait until his uncle Michael got back in town. I was physically and emotionally spent and didn't feel well-equipped to help my son pick out a dress for his grandmother's funeral. I needed some back up, some support, and in this case, I knew my brother was the person I needed most.

When Uncle Michael arrived on Thursday, our first stop was Target.

C.J. led us to the "girls' section" and started purposefully working the aisles and holding out fabrics he fancied. Uncle Michael and I did the same.

The three of us called out to each other when a dress caught our eye and held it up for comments and opinions. Uncle Michael and I have similar tastes and found a few options that we thought were perfect. C.J. nixed them all.

C.J. finally decided on a cream linen dress with delicate eyelet detail, a dainty navy blue cardigan and a headband with blue and yellow flowers adorning it. He could not be swayed.

Over the next two days, C.J. kept reminding us that he was going to wear a dress at Nana's Celebration of Life.

We said we knew and thought it was perfect. If that's how he felt Nana would want him, then that's exactly what he should do.

He never again asked about the strangers who we would welcome into our home and what their reactions to a boy in a dress might be. He was unwavering in his decision and he didn't care what other people thought. He was committed to making the event about him and his Nana, and that made me proud. That's what memorializing a person and the relationship you had with them is all about.

"Pa, I'm going to be a girl at Nana's Celebration of Life," he said to my dad the night before the service. He looked his grandfather right in the eyes and stood firm. If anybody in our family was going to have a reaction, it would be Pa. I nervously held my breath.

"That is exactly how Nana would want you and that's what you should do. It's about you and Nana, and she loved you so much," Pa said as he wrapped C.J. in a hug.

The day of the Celebration of Life, C.J. made sure I steamed his dress, like I did mine, and flat ironed his hair, like I did mine.

He spritzed on some Chanel Coco perfume and applied his favorite lip gloss. After he put on his cream dress, navy cardigan, and flowered headband, I surprised him by presenting him with a strand of Nana's pearls to wear.

He greeted people at the door as they arrived at our house for the Celebration of Life. We introduced him to people from my parents' church and to their friends who had never met him before.

"This is our youngest son, C.J.," we'd say.

"It's nice to finally meet you," they'd say. “Your Nana told us so much about you."

That afternoon, my son was not one bit worried about what perfect strangers would think about him wearing a dress.

He listened to those strangers tell him that his Nana loved him very much and that she told everyone all about him. He was unabashed and unashamed. He honored Nana and their special relationship beautifully.

I imagined her looking down on him.

"That's my beautiful boy! You look so pretty! I love your dress!" she'd say, like she always did.