disciplined

Achieving good self-esteem and self-worth can be a lifelong journey and, sometimes, the most encouraging advice can come from chance meetings with strangers.

In a Reddit subforum of people sharing how they lead more disciplined lives, member Fuzzy-Sun-951 shared a life-changing conversation he had with a retired psychology professor who "showed me what's holding me back from discipline." They explained that the meeting occurred on a park bench as they were sitting and scrolling on their phones.

"An older guy sat down next to me. He must have felt my bad mood because after a while he asked me: 'Rough day?' I ended up telling him how I've been unhappy at work, how it feels like everyone else my age is doing better, and how I just feel stuck in this cycle of self-doubt," they wrote. "Turns out the guy was a retired psychology professor who'd spent decades studying success patterns. What he told me completely changed how I think about myself."

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The retired psychology professor shared evidence from a 20-year study that "showed kids with higher self-esteem end up earning more later, regardless of intelligence or background." They went on to share, "I wanted to oppose him, disclosing that I didn't grow up wit lucky circumstances that would allow me to develop self-esteem as a kid and teenager. But before I could mention that, he killed my self-pity with a single line haha: 'The beautiful thing about self-esteem is that it that it can be built at any age.'"

According to the retired psychology professor, this is due to the brain's "reticular activation system," which acts as a filter system about one's self-esteem. "It means that if deep down you believe success isn't for someone like you, your brain literally hides opportunities," they added.

For example: "You won't notice the networking chance, you won't see the business idea, you won't even apply for jobs you're qualified for because some part of you thinks 'that's not my place,'" they explained.

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The information completely changed the OP's perspective on why they always failed with discipline. They added, "'People with higher self-worth have higher dopamine levels naturally.' More energy, focus, motivation, and therefore more discipline. They sabotage themselves less because they actually believe they deserve good things."

As a final gesture of encouragement, the professor added that all it takes is tiny changes, and not to feel overwhelmed. The Op continued to share that "he told me that all I need is to start with tiny things that are easy to do daily, like putting sunscreen on or drinking water when you wake up. This seems to work because your brain is constantly looking for evidence about who you are. Right now it might be collecting evidence that you're lazy or unsuccessful. Start giving it different evidence to work with."

The advice resonated with others struggling with self-esteem and discipline in the comments. "'If deep down you believe success isn't for someone like you, your brain literally hides opportunities.' Wow. That slaps like nothing I’ve come across in a while," one wrote. Another added, "wow, I need to talk with strangers more often."

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Others also began sharing actions that have worked to improve their self-esteem. "One thing that I have been doing for years is making a list of '10 things I did good today'. I literally have a book filled with a page for every day filled with things that I was proud of. I have tried a lot of therapy read so many self-help books and… This is the only thing that has helped for me. It has literally forced me to look at the things I’m good at," one shared.

Another added, "Self esteem, like your professor said, is built by evidence that shows you are behaving in alignment with your beliefs about how You should behave. So the first step is seriously interrogating what exactly you believe about how you want to behave and who you want to be. Who is your higher self, your most actualized and fully expressed self. If you can get clear on that, all you have to do is start acting in alignment with your highest self, little by little. And again, as your buddy explained, the brain is constantly searching for evidence of who you are. When you see that who you are is evolving towards your highest self, confidence naturally seeps in and it is much easier to continue that process and get more aligned. I swear by this."

Another explained how lists also are helping them, sharing, "...every day in my journal, I have 4 short lists: 3 Things I am grateful for, 3 Goals for today, 3 Wins for today,1 thing I did today that scared me. It's such a small thing, takes maybe 5 minutes to do; a few minutes in the morning, and a few minutes at night, but it helps to rewire your brain to look for good things and the opportunities that come with them! Good luck out there. We're going to make it."