Never Before Have I Laughed So Hard At One Guy's Non-Attempt To Save The Planet

Megan Kelley

We all know the rainforest is being destroyed. Heck, the entire planet's in distress! But is there really anything we can do about it? Actually, yes.

Narrator: You are a good person. You spend time with your family. You work out at the gym.

Trainer: Come on, push! Push!

Narrator: You conserve water while showering. You like nice clothes. You give to charity. You recycle. You drive a Prius, but you use your bike when you can. You enjoy the occasional distraction at work and you always send a card on Mother's Day. Always.

But there's a part of you that tells yourself that you're not so good, that you could be doing more, that the world is falling apart at the seams and all you’ve been doing is yoga.

One day you see that the rainforest is being destroyed at staggering rate of 32 million acres a year. That's the equivalent of one football field every 78 seconds. You feel bad, angry, and guilty. You’ve been apathetic for too long. You want to do something about it. you must do something about it.

Well, this is what you're not going to do.

Man: I quit!

Narrator: You're not going to quit your job, leave your family, get on the next flight to Nicaragua, take a bus to the edge of the jungle, then hoof it across rivers, lakes, and streams on a quest to the very heart of the rainforest.

Man: Take me to the heart of the rainforest.

Computer Voice: You are getting closer. You are almost there. You have arrived.

Narrator: You're not going to ingratiate yourself with a local tribesman, go to great lengths to earn their respect and trust.

Man: No! No, no, no, no, no, no . . .

Narrator: It is around now you realized you're living out the cliché gringo fantasy of becoming an honorary native and leading the resistant forces. But screw it! if they could do it, so can you.

Man: I'm going to save you! This guy goes over here. I'm going to do this, I'm going to pull a zap thing that’s right through him right over here.

Narrator: You're not going to coordinate an occupy the rainforest movement, realize it's hopeless, summon the power of the gods, lead a revolution against the deforesters and their multinational employers in an apocalyptic, once and for all battle to save humanity only to awaken, two days later, in an El Salvadorian hospital with two toes mission on your left foot.

Man: I want to go home.

Narrator: Hobble out of Central America up through Mexico, cross the Sierra Madre when you break down. Your first cigarette in four years accidentally starts a wildfire, killing off the endangered species that once served as your occupational distraction.

Finally, you make it back home only to find you’ve been replaced at work by a guy named T.J. and that things at home are not what they used to be.

You're not going to do any of these things, but you can do is follow the frog. Buying Rainforest Alliance Certified products ensures the future of our rainforests so that you don’t have to do the things you shouldn’t do anyway. Just follow the frog.

There may be small errors in this transcript.

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