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Want out of a relationship rut? The Three hour night might be the perfect solution.
Almost every long term relationship suffers from a rut eventually. That goes especially for married partners who become parents and have the added responsibility of raising kids. Maintaining a connection is hard enough in this busy, fast-paced world. Top it off with making sure kids are awake, dressed, entertained, well fed, oh yeah, and alive…and you best believe all you have energy for at the end of the day is sitting on the couch barely making it through one episode of your favorite show on Netflix.
And yet, we know how important it is to maintain a connection with our spouses. Many of us just don’t know how to make that happen while juggling a million other things. According to one mom, a “three-hour night” could be just the thing to tick off multiple boxes on the to-do list while rekindling romance at the same time. Talk about the ultimate marriage hack.
A couple that has lost their spark.via Canva/Photos
The three-hour night was something that Rachel Higgins and her husband began incorporating into their lives at the beginning of 2024. And so far, “it's been so fun and such...a game changer for how our evenings go,” she says in a clip posted to TikTok.
Before using the three-hour night, the evening would look a bit like this: their daughter would go to bed, they would lounge on the couch, scroll through social media, then fall asleep. Sound familiar?
But with a three-hour night, Higgins and her husband divvy up the time before bed into three sections, each for a different focus.In the first hour, starting around 7 p.m., is what Higgins calls “productive time,” during which the couple sees to any household chores that might need to be done.
“So, start with like a quick cleanup of the kitchen or just like things that accumulated throughout the day, and then we try to do something that either ... has been being put off or cleaning the bathroom or like organizing the pantry or hall closet or something like, super random like sharpening the knives. Anything that's productive for the household,” she explains.
@rachelleehiggins if you’re stuck in a rut with your evenings try this! i saw someone do something similar to this a while ago but can’t remember who! #marriage #1sttimeparents #newyearsgoals
Next, the second hour is geared towards re-establishing a physical or emotional connection in their marriage. The phones go away, and they focus only on enjoying one another.
“So, that could be things like showering together or ‘having fun’ together, playing a game together, or just like anything that's gonna get you guys talking and connecting or like debriefing from the day or just like talking about what you're doing and like the plans for tomorrow or like how work's going or whatever. So, anything that's gonna connect and strengthen and build your marriage,” Higgins says.
Lastly, the final hour of the night is dedicated to anything Higgins and her husband individually want to do, any sort of personal recharge activity. Since this is a judgment-free time, Higgins states that “If you just want to lie on the couch and scroll your phone and watch TikToks or whatever, like watch YouTube videos,” it’s totally acceptable.
A happy couple in bed.via Canva/Photos
Higgins’ novel approach definitely interested viewers, who chimed in with their own questions. One major concern was how the heck this could be done every night. But even Higgins admits that she and her husband don’t succeed at having a three-hour night every night—they usually try for about 3-4 times a week. And honestly, even once a week could still probably be beneficial in building intimacy.
"Such a good idea. Good for us empty nesters too! The phone scrolling is outta control!"one commenter wrote. "This is really cool. The housework is equal. The emotional connection is equal and the self care is equal. No room for resentment," another added. "We don’t have kids yet but I love this and want to do it because the nights slip away so fast!!" a commenter added.
Others wondered how to have a three-hour night when things randomly popped up in their schedule, like when kids won’t magically go to sleep promptly at 7pm. Higgins shares that in these cases, they tend to just shorten each phase. The point being: these can and probably should be customizable, even fun, rather than yet another rigid chore.
Plus, a three-hour night (or whatever your version of a three-hour night may be) is a great way to remind yourself just how high a priority your relationship has in your life, no matter what else is going on at the time. Odds are you'll probably find you do have more time for it than you previously thought.
This article originally appeared last year.
What if middle-aged women are just discovering their superpowers?
The social media era has had its pitfalls, but some positives have come from it as well. One benefit of people publicly sharing their lives is that it's opened up conversations about things we didn't openly talk about before. If you have a physical or mental health issue, you can now easily find a community of people with shared experiences instead of feeling alone or isolated in your struggles.
Perimenopause has become a big topic of discussion online, and it's making so many middle-aged women feel less alone in the wild ride that it is. The years preceding menopause are rife with dozens of potential symptoms that suddenly come out of nowhere and stay for an undetermined amount of time. Not just hot flashes, which everyone knows about, but random things like itching all over, joint pain, brain fog, frozen shoulder, sleep disturbances, slowed metabolism, irritability, anxiety, and more. The hormonal shift is powerful and impacts everything.
Hot flashes? How about "power surges"?Photo credit: Canva
It's hard for women who are going through "the change" to explain it. But unexpectedly, there's a man who's given an incredibly empowering description of perimenopause in a video captioned "YOUR MIDLIFE WIFE IS WONDER-WOMAN" that's gone viral for just the right reasons.
"So your partner, she's going through her midlife 'reset,'" Michael Hunter (@uspiral.life) begins, speaking to partners of women in this stage. "The hot flash years, and you think she's being a little moody, snapping more than usual, forgetful, foggy, fried. Congratulations, because you're not witnessing her fall apart. You're witnessing her upgrade."
And every middle-aged woman's ears just perked up.
[instagram https://www.instagram.com/reel/DMoHliWuNwf/?igsh=aXo0dWcwdmc3OGVq) expand=1 site_id=19596302 embed_desktop_width=540 embed_desktop_height=989 embed_mobile_width=375 embed_mobile_height=782]"Welcome to the divine demolition phase of her existence," he continued. "'Cause everything that doesn't serve her? Her hormones are throwing that in the fire. Compliance? Burned. People pleasing? Torched. Tolerance for your nonsense? Ashes. She's not becoming unstable. She's becoming unavailable for the roles, the rules, and the rhythms that were never designed for her power."
PREACH, SIR. (I mean, please continue, by all means.)
"So check it," he goes on, "her estrogen is dropping, which means her capacity to sacrifice herself is silently plummeting, too. And the hormones that once kept her agreeable? They're packing their bags. She's no longer chemically encouraged to make you feel safe at her own expense. And you're calling that a problem? It's a wake-up call.
Perimenopause is a wake-up call. Giphy
"Her nervous system is recalibrating. Her brain is rewiring. And her body is asking better questions, like, 'Why am I carrying this marriage?' 'Why do I say yes when I mean hell no?' and 'Why is everyone around me so damn loud and needy?'"
Seriously, who is this guy?
"She's not being hormonal," he says, "She's being clairvoyant. She's finally seeing through the performance, the politics, and the pressure. She's deleting what no longer aligns, and she's upgrading to a new operating system: Truth 3.0 with zero buffer time for B.S.
"This is your opportunity to rise along with her, man. This is your opportunity to grow. So next time you catch her looking like might spontaneously combust, don't flinch. Witness her. Because if you can survive the fire, you might just get to meet the woman who she was always meant to be."
Menopausal woman discover their superpowers.Photo credit: Canva
Ordinarily, a man explaining perimenopause would have us all rolling our eyes and tossing around the word "mansplain," but Hunter received the social media equivalent of standing ovation in the comments from women who finally felt seen in his words:
"Omg who are you and where have you been all our lives?!? Thank you on behalf of all of us…can you come speak to my kids next??😂🔥🙌"
"Who are you? 😂 we like you (a lot) and nominate you our midlife spokesperson!!! ❤️🙌"
"The first time I have truly loved a man explaining something that happens to a woman. GO : Ladies send to your husbands and get those husbands to send it to all their friends. 🙌🙌"
"You just became the sexiest man ALIVE! Knowledge applied correctly….sexy!😍💯👏❤️"
"Your words made me tear up, so powerful thank you 🙌"
Standing ovation for Michael Hunter Giphy GIF by Film Independent Spirit Awards
"Thanks for making us feel normal instead of washed up goods. I find it hilarious learning that menopause is why I can no longer tolerate ANY amount of BS😂 it’s been like a light switch. I feel like I just woke up one day & decided I was done with so much crap that I’ve tolerated in the past…I appreciate the positive spin he puts on this! Blessings my fellow menopause-ers!!"
"That has to be the best and most kind description of menopause I've ever heard. Fantastic. 😍"
"You couldn’t have said it better. It’s nice to hear a man have this perspective."
Someone even nominated Hunter to be an honorary member of the We Do Not Care Club. (Explained here, if you don't know.)
In all seriousness, though, the way he describes what's happening at this stage of life is spot on and such a refreshingly different way of perceiving it than we glean from society. And the fact that it's coming from a man is a strange kind of relief—like we don't have to try to explain ourselves because someone outside of it gets it.
Rock on, Michael Hunter. Thanks for the morale boost and for the education of our loved ones.
You can follow @upspiral.life on Instagram for more.
A woman who is skeptical of her man.
If you are a psychologically healthy person, it’s easy to fall victim to a narcissist or manipulator because you’re not assuming that other people are playing games with you. You just go along to get along. But if you’re in a relationship with a manipulator, they could be playing a long game that slowly unfolds until the moment you realize that you are in an unhealthy relationship. Hopefully, that time comes sooner rather than later. Some people have relationships that last for decades before they realize they have been manipulated.
A popular TikTok user named @Mewmewsha, who refers to herself as "Older Sister," is going viral for a video where she makes it easy to understand the tactics that a manipulator or narcissist may use to control you. She presents it in an easy-to-comprehend anagram—CREEP—which outlines the stages of manipulation, and she also shares her methods for countering each stage. CREEP stands for charm, rage, envy, entitlement, and pity.
“Everyone who's ever manipulated you was following a playbook, and I'm gonna teach it to you so you can recognize when it's happening to you. Cause if you don't learn the game, you'll keep getting played,” she opens her video.
@mewmewsha Learn the game so you stop getting played - here’s how to outsmart manipulators and covert narcissists by learning their playbook
“They will act like your soulmate or best friend. They'll flatter you, mirror you, they'll use your language, they'll adopt your mannerisms, and you'll feel so seen and understood. And it is very intoxicating and very deliberate. They are building emotional leverage, they're collecting data. Charm is the bait. And once you're hooked, it only gets worse.”
Counter: “Slow down, because if it's genuine, that charm will last. But if it's fake, soon enough, when charm doesn't get them what they want, you will meet rage.”
“Rage can be loud, but it can also be quiet. It's not always explosive. It can be cold and cruel, stonewalling, contempt, a sudden withdrawal of love and attention. …It's designed to confuse you and guilt you and make you think you need to fix something because you wanna go back to the charming person that was just there a second ago.”
Counter: “You need to detach emotionally, give them nothing, absorb nothing. And the moment you can, you need to leave.”
“Narcissists hate it when you're happy, successful, and independent because it makes you harder to control. Envy will show its face in subtle sabotage. They'll be trying to undermine your achievements. They'll constantly be trying to humble you.”
Counter: Share less, move in silence. The more they know, the more they’ll sabotage you.
A narcissistic woman.via Canva/Photos
“Since they feel like they own you, they expect access to you, your time, and your energy always.”
Counter: Set boundaries.
“When all else fails, they'll act like the victim. They will use your empathy against you. They'll weaponize sadness. They'll cry. They'll act helpless and defenseless. They'll dredge up some old trauma. They will make themselves the victim so they can guilt you into compliance.”
Counter: “Be kind, not nice. Being nice puts you at risk. It makes you feel responsible and self-sacrificial. But when you are kind, it means you have compassion with boundaries.”
It’s worth noting that @mewmewsha isn’t a licensed therapist, so when it comes to mental health issues, it's best to consult a professional. However, her advice does mirror a lot of the standard wisdom surrounding narcissists and manipulators. An article reviewed by Yolanda Renteria, LPC, notes that narcissists have an abuse cycle that repeats itself: “It involves first idealizing a person, then devaluing them, repeating the cycle, and eventually discarding them when they are of no further use.”
We should also be careful not to assume that when someone we know starts acting enviously or entitled, it necessarily means they are a narcissist. It could just be part of normal behavior and emotions. We all have our bad days and personality quirks. So, the counters mentioned above are a great way to tackle everyday interactions with friends, family members, and coworkers when they take a turn for the negative. But when their behaviors start to fit the classic narcissistic and manipulative narrative, then it’s time to be concerned and to question their motivation.
Women peeing 'like a cowboy' could empty an additional half cup of urine
There's nothing more frustrating than having to go to the bathroom shortly after leaving it. For those that drink a lot of water, becoming more familiar with bathroom decor isn't uncommon. But even for those frequent potty flyers, there's a trick that might cut down your trips–peeing like a cowboy.
Don't worry, you don't have to get out your spurs and chaps to learn how to get every drop of urine out of your bladder. Because going pee is a bodily function that every human being is required to do, there are all kinds of thoughts on going properly. In some countries boys and men sit to pee while in others it's viewed as strange. In some cultures squatting over a hole in the tile floor is the standard way to pee while for others sitting on a toilet is the way to go.
Rustic outhouse adorned with festive lights in a snowy farm setting.Photo credit: Canva
No cultural way is wrong but everyone who sits to potty might want to take a few extra minutes in the bathroom. Most girls in America learn to use commode in a seated position, typically in a fashion that still allows them to look dainty. Knees close together, hand in their lap waiting for the stream to stop so they can promptly wipe and get off the pot. Turns out, this prim and proper way of using the bathroom may be the reason some women find themselves feeling like they have to go again less than an hour later.
Dr. Teresa Irwin president of the Caring Center for Women in Central Texas and a female pelvic medicine and reconstructive surgeon demonstrates this method in a video. She calls it "peeing like a cowboy" because it's essentially the opposite of how many American girls were taught to use the bathroom. Irwin says to spread your knees apart wide and rest your elbows on them like a cowboy, though you've likely seen this style of sitting in a baseball dugout as well.
Potty training time with a good book and a supportive friend.Photo credit: Canva
The idea is to wait for your perineum to relax more to allow for more urine to release. Irwin says a third of the body's urine remains trapped in your bladder if you pee sitting up. If there's no medical cause for frequent urination such as a UTI or other medical issue, staying on the toilet an extra 20-30 seconds may help. The process is called double voiding which is the act of emptying your bladder staying seated a few seconds longer and leaning forward to ensure your bladder is empty.
Medical News Today writes, "This technique is especially effective for people who feel like their bladder is not empty, or who return quickly to the restroom after voiding.
The steps to double voiding are as follows:
People may also benefit from rocking side to side as this can result in better bladder emptying. However, a person should not rock side to side if they cannot safely position themselves on the toilet."
Multitasking: Phone time during bathroom break.Photo credit: Canva
According to Cambridge University Hospitals, "If your bladder fails to empty and goes into retention, the bladder muscle can become overstretched and can be damaged. An overstretched bladder struggles to contract and empty the bladder effectively. When the bladder is not functioning properly, it may cause complications like urinary tract infection and kidney stones, or it could be connected to bowel dysfunction. Bowel and bladder health go together. It is very important to regulate bowel movement as it could also help to maintain bladder function."
If you're constantly peeing or experiencing urgency with only a small amount of urine being expelled from the bladder, checking in with your doctor to rule out medical conditions is best. But if everything checks out and you're told you're kidneys and bladder are all functioning properly, you may just need to start peeing like a cowboy to save you a trip to the loo.
A woman in front of the Roman Coliseum.
A woman’s hot take on why some places in Europe should not be considered First World has received some pretty harsh clapback from an American living abroad. The American thinks her opinion is short-sighted and that she’s guilty of viewing other countries through a very American lens.
It all began when a TikToker named @BulletProofBaily, a personal safety expert, posted a “hot take” on why, even though she loves Italy, “a lot of countries that are considered first world in Europe, especially Western Europe, should not be considered First-World countries.” She adds that when she recently visited the Italian countryside, it was hard to find “luxury” conveniences such as bathtubs, air conditioning, or dishwashers.
It’s worth noting that the term "First World" is an older characterization that described geopolitical alignment during the Cold War, and the modern characterizations include "Developed" (or high-income countries), "Developing" (middle-to-low income countries), and "Least Developed" countries that have the lowest level of socioeconomic development. Historically, Italy and America have both been seen as First World and Developed nations.
Baily’s video caught the attention of @WhereInTheWorldisNina, a TikToker who uses her platform to teach Americans how to live and work abroad.
@whereintheworldisnina No country is perfect and each one has its strengths and flaws. But having some simple “American luxuries” is not what defines a “first world country” aka developed country (the more appropriate term). Stitch with @Bailey #usa #Europe #livingabroad #eurotrip
“Okay, so First World to you means having AC and a dishwasher, that's a new one. You can buy these things for your house if you'd like. They are available in Italy, just a lot of people maybe don't choose to implement them in their house, she said. “Also, we use stats regarding the quality of life to kind of judge whether or not a place is first world or not, just what appliances and luxuries do you have in your home.”
Bailey also criticized the Italian countryside for having hospitals that were more than 20 minutes away. Nina responded by noting that the same thing exists in America, where there are medical deserts. A recent report found that 81% of U.S. counties, home to over 120 million Americans, are healthcare deserts that lack the infrastructure and services to ensure timely access to medicine and care.
In another very American-centric criticism, Bailey noted that she wouldn’t be able to drive her massive Ford F-150 truck through the streets of Italy because it would be too big. “What I got into my big American F-150 when we got back from the airport, and I'm like this before wouldn't even fit on the street,” Bailey said in her post. But Nina disagrees with the critique, noting that the streets of Italy were made for humans, not cars. “Imagine wanting a big F-150 gas guzzler over walkable cities, public transportation, being less car dependent,” Nina said.
The Coliseum in Rome, Italy.via Canva/Photos
Just about everyone in the comments took Nina's side in the debate. "Didn’t she CHOOSE her Airbnb? There are pictures and amenities (luxuries) listed," one commenter asked. "You get two options: a) an undeveloped country without AC and dishwashers, free healthcare, free university and more b) AC AND DISHWASHERS, involuntary target practice at school, huge medical debt, huge student loans," another added.
“Oh, you love a place, but you definitely misunderstand it,” Nina concludes her post. “It checks every box of a highly developed nation, you know, First World life expectancy, health care, infrastructure, education. Calling it not first world because your Airbnb didn't have a bathtub is crazy talk.”
